Sian stirred and attempted to open her eyes. The room was bright, so she concluded correctly that is was a beautiful morning outside. Her forehead crinkled as she brought the back of her hand to her brow, and rolling slightly onto her back she rubbed at her eyes. She stretched her legs and pushed her hands into the headboard over her, trying to get rid of that drowsy sleepy feeling that she always felt nowadays, and not just in the mornings. Her early nights weren't helping either, she just always felt knackered. She heard a sleepy groan come from the back of her throat and she forced her eyes open, the contents of Sophie's room quickly pushing their way into her brain.
Sian sighed and slowly flicked her eyes around the room. Their room. Or Sophie's room, as it was starting to feel like again. More and more so these days she was feeling like an outsider, like this wasn't her room, her house, like she wasn't a part of this family. Like Sophie hadn't pouted and caused a fuss when she had announced she was moving back in with her mom, and like Sophie's face hadn't lit up like ten Christmas tree's when she had told her in that hospital room that she would move back in. For her. Only for her, if that was what she wanted. And she had wanted it. Then.
Not that Sian could much tell now.
Sian moved her head to the side and the rest of her body followed, and she stared vacantly at the empty space beside her. Sophie was up. Sophie was always up, nowadays. Sian rested the side of her head on her hands and she brought her knees up to her chest and she sighed despondently. She wasn't sure when things had changed, couldn't pinpoint it exactly, but all the same they had. Sophie used to snake her arms around her waist every morning, would feather light kisses down her neck to wake her up. Sometimes she would run her fingers up underneath her pyjama top and gently tease her, before moving them beneath her pyjama bottoms to wake her up in the best way ever. But she had stopped that, and Sian missed it. A lot. The slight smile that played on her lips at the memory disappeared and she reached a hand out and ran it across the mattress where Soph would always usually be lying, and the bed felt cold.
She must've been up for ages.
Sian bit on her lip momentarily and told herself to stop feeling, whatever it was she was feeling. Couples went through patches like this, didn't they? Maybe she should just ask Sophie about it and be done with it, and her mind lingered over that for a few seconds as she pondered it. She panicked a little as she saw the conversation in her head. What if Sophie said something was wrong? What would happen then? Sian swallowed abruptly and quickly sat up in bed. She saw everything around her suddenly slip away from her, this was her life now. Sophie was her life. What the hell would she do?
She couldn't let it happen.
Sian jumped from the bed and grabbed Sophie's bathrobe, the white one with the different coloured stars on it and she caught herself in the mirror as she turned around. She tilted her head a little, Sian had always loved the way Sophie looked in that robe, and she remembered back to an occasion when Sophie had straddled her on the sofa in it, because Sophie knew exactly the effect she had on her, naked under that robe.
Sian again caught herself smiling at the memory, before she realised just how long ago it was and how long it had been since Sophie had looked at her like that. She couldn't even remember. Sian put her hands in Sophie's pockets and stared at herself, and suddenly she felt tired. Her chest even felt a little bit empty and she wondered how she was going to sort all this out. If she could even bring it up to Sophie. She felt her heart quicken its pace at the mere thought of it.
Sophie loved her still, didn't she?
Course she did. Sian was sure of it. She walked to the bedroom door and opened it, and headed downstairs.
Sophie was pottering about the kitchen putting dishes away and generally tidying up since everyone else had been up, had breakfast and left for work. She was trying not to bang the cupboard doors too loudly, as she didn't want to wake Sian up before she left for work too. She had looked well tired lately, and was getting a fair few early nights, so Soph reckoned she needed the rest. Plus she didn't want to get Sian anymore mad with her than she already was. That whole thing with the £20k was still hovering right over her and she knew Sian disapproved of her actions. Soph stopped for a minute as she put her mums mug back in the cupboard and closed the door. It was a pretty stupid thing to do, taking the money, but she had been determined what she was doing was a good thing, so she had gone right ahead and done it. Regardless of the consequences. And it turned out the consequences were pretty bad. And Sian seemed to have that exasperated 'how could you have been so stupid' look on her face every time she looked at her, just recently. Whether she meant to or not. Sophie knew she had been stupid, but she didn't need her girlfriend to remind her of that every second, did she? Her dad reminded her often enough. He couldn't even look at her at the moment, and it seemed Sian was echoing everyone's disappointment in her too.
Sophie shook her head, she didn't need to think about it. She didn't like thinking about it, it just reminded her of the mess she had made, of everything. She just hoped everything would blow over and things could get back to normal. She had no idea when that would be, she just prayed that the day would come. The sooner the better.
Sophie spun around and saw that Sian was leaning against the sofa, looking at her with her arms crossed tightly over her chest. Sophie noticed how she was wearing her bathrobe and her first thought was how hot she looked, but then she noticed something in those blue eyes. It made Sophie pause and there was an awkward silence between them. Normally Sian looked pissed off with her or as if she was about to have a go or something, but right then she looked different. Like she was upset, her eyes glistened and Sophie took half a step towards her before she stopped herself. Somehow Sophie didn't know how to act or how to be or even what to say. She didn't know how to deal with what was happening between them, it was as if Sian didn't want all that cuteness and cuddles anymore and suddenly there was just, this. Sophie stepped back to the units and broke eye contact.
"You're up early", Sian said, her voice soft. The emotion was evident though, loud and clear.
Sophie swallowed and her eyes searched the kitchen. "Yeah well I thought I'd make dad breakfast" she started, putting on a fake smile and trying to seem relaxed, "try and win some points, ya know?"
Sian didn't smile back. "Oh right, did it work?"
Sophie raised her eyebrows and went over to the sink, "not really".
Sian was left looking at Sophie's back and she wondered what the hell she was supposed to say. Sophie never started important conversations, and would generally try to avoid that sort of thing altogether. Sian considered whether Sophie would stick around for a conversation about them.. Or whether she would run from that, too. She still didn't know if she could bring it up.
"How come you got dressed?" Sian asked, considering how she thought they would have a day in together today. Maybe a lazy day, cuddling on the sofa and getting Chinese takeout. They hadn't done that in ages.
There was a pause, and Sophie half turned her head to look at the floor between them. "What?" she asked.
The tension in Sian's chest was getting worse and worse by the second, like Sophie could see she was upset yet she was choosing to ignore it. Sian felt like she couldn't keep any air in her chest as it insisted on escaping shakily from her, every time she took in a breath. She kept her arms glued to her chest and tried not to speak with the annoyance she felt. "I asked, why you got dressed". And for a second she felt pathetic, like how her question was probably the most unimportant she could've asked right then, and she had asked it twice.
Sophie sighed, loudly. "I've got work at ten".
"Work?" It was out before Sian could stop it, and this time the annoyance was evident in her tone. "I thought you had the day off?"
Sophie felt how much she wasn't helping things and how that was probably the worst thing she could've said just then. But then, nothing Sophie did at the moment got her in Sian's good books. At least that was how it felt. She put her right hand on the edge of the unit and gripped it and she knew this conversation wasn't going to end well. "I did, but Dev asked me last night and it's not like I could say no-"
"-Why couldn't you say no?" She was pissed off now. And she didn't care if she showed it.
Sophie thought that was a stupid thing for Sian to say. "I owe my dad twenty grand Sian! It's not like I can go turning down shifts is it!" She spun where she stood just about sick of her girlfriend questioning and judging her all the time, but her temper soon came to an abrupt halt when her eyes met those sky blues, again. Sian looked more than upset, like in that moment she was lost, totally and utterly lost and waiting for Sophie to find her. Something jabbed at Sophie's heart and she was lost for words, everything she was about to lash out at her with dropped from her and she just stood there, pretty much adrift herself. She ached, right then, as she knew she was the one doing the upsetting, but Sian had upset her too. Plenty. She didn't know what to say, how to say what she was feeling and she almost felt like she didn't have the inclination. Like it was too hard, and would just take way too long. Plus she was going to be late for work. "I know you think this is all my fault, like I got myself into this mess so I deserve it..." she trailed off, her eyes falling again to the floor.
"Soph I've never said that-"
"-But I know you think it, like you was right and I was wrong".
Sian was getting infuriated, how could Sophie even think that? She had never told her that, even if it was the truth. "You don't know what I think!"
"I used to..." Sophie scoffed, under her breath. She was certain she used to know everything that went through her girlfriends head. Not anymore, though.
"What?" Sian furrowed her brow. That pain in her chest getting replaced by frustration. She hadn't intended to start an argument. Why did it always seem to get to that, these days?
Sophie pushed herself away from the unit. "Nothing, I'm going to be late for work". And she strode past her girlfriend without even looking at her.
Sian's heart dropped and she was sure she heard it thud against her chest. She couldn't let her go. Not like this. This is not how she wanted them to be. She heard Sophie grab the porch door handle with force and open it slightly. "When did it get so hard, Soph?"
Sophie had her hand on the door handle and she stopped, half of her wanting to carry on out the door and the other half wanting to stay, sort it out and kiss the life out of her girlfriend. Her beautiful girlfriend. Her cute, smart, sweet, adorable girlfriend. Sophie's eyes focused on her hand as she watched it push the door closed. She turned and looked at Sian.
Sometimes, or rather most of the time, Sian could be firey. Like in the past when they had had arguments, for instance when Sophie had stolen that money and it had all boiled down to them both standing outside of her front door. James had walked away and gone back to Deirdre's birthday party and Sophie had realised, perhaps for the first time that the money had really gone. Like proper gone, and Sian had been trailing around after her all day, watching as Sophie tried to piece together what had happened and was seemingly getting more and more annoyed with every twist the story took. Sian had been furious with her that day, or disapproving or whatever, and she seemed as if all she wanted to do was give Sophie a proper piece of her mind but then, and quite all of a sudden it was as if her brick wall had crumbled and she enveloped Sophie in a massive hug and let her weep at her own naive idiocrasy. And then afterwards, when Sophie couldn't face up to her parents Sian had taken over and explained what had happened, and even tried to defend her or at least defend her intentions, even though she hadn't agreed with them in the slightest. That's how Sian could be, like the best girlfriend ever.
Right then Sophie was certain Sian was going to rip into her, shout at her, demand to have it out but instead there was no anger, no frustration, no disappointment or anything like that. Right then Sian looked distraught, like she would fall to pieces. The tears were building up in her eyes and she just stood there, waiting for Sophie to answer.
"It's not hard" Sophie whispered as she looked away, not even believing it herself.
Sian tried to sniff back what she feeling, she tried to hold it all in but it really wasn't working. She looked at Soph who just looked awkward, like she wanted to be anywhere but there, and it pretty much broke Sian's heart. "You still love me though, don't you?"
Sophie brought her head up and looked straight into Sian's eyes. That plea was awful and Soph immediately felt wretched, through and through. How could she even think that she didn't? Things weren't like that were they? Sophie started tingling all over and she took a step towards Sian. "Of course I do", her tone was low and her eyes started filling up, too. She bit on her bottom lip. "Babe, of course I love you".
Sophie's eyes were the most sincere Sian had seen them in a long time, but it didn't stop the niggling feeling that they were falling apart. Sian wanted to believe her, but she needed to feel it, and she didn't know how Sophie was going to make that happen.
Sophie came closer and linked her fingers with Sian's, her chest was feeling heavy and all of a sudden the prospect of them being broken was unacceptable to her, she needed to fix it. She couldn't have her girl feeling this way, she had to get them back. She wasn't sure how she would, but she knew she would do everything she could to sort it. "You believe me, don't you? Sian I love you more than anything".
"Then why are we like this?" Her breath was hitched and her voice still strained. She felt helpless, but at least Soph wasn't running from her.
Sophie stepped closer still so that their bodies were touching. She looked as deeply into Sian's eyes as she could and she pushed their foreheads together. "I don't know" she answered, the lump in her throat making her words feel choked. It was the truth, she really didn't know when things had become so bad between them, but she was going to change it. Sian just meant too much to her. "But it'll be different" she whispered, as she pushed her lips to Sian's forehead, "I promise".
Sian was looking down as she felt Sophie's lips against her skin, she saw how their bodies were touching and for the first time in a while she felt the warmth radiate from her serving to warm her up. She wanted to feel more. She felt Sophie pull away from her a little.
"Do you love me?"
Sian looked into her eyes and she saw as Sophie seemed to search her, tried to look into her for an answer. Sian reached up and cupped her cheek, as Sophie's fingers pushed into the bathrobes material all the way through to her skin. It felt like Soph was holding onto her, and it felt good. "I love every part of you, it just feels like you're pulling away from me-"
"-I'm not, I promise you I'm not". Sophie wrapped her arms around her and just couldn't take the words anymore. She pushed her lips to Sian's and kissed her hungrily, as if she had to prove everything there in that moment.
Sian let her, she let Sophie dominate the kiss as she held onto her shoulders trying to get as much out of the contact as possible. She loved the feel of Sophie's body against hers and it was as if she was making up for lost time. Her chest filled with warmth and it quickly spread throughout her, ridding herself of the emptiness she had been feeling. She felt Sophie clawing at her waist and just knew she wanted her back just as much. She wished more than anything that Soph didn't have work, she wished they could go to bed and stay there, making up over and over. She wondered if Sophie felt the same.
Sophie felt her heart beat wildly in her chest, Sian was stirring up emotions she hadn't experienced for a while and she suddenly remembered how good they were, and how much she craved it. Craved her. Her body flooded with desire and her mind was clouded with what Sian had said to her. Had they really become so distant? And if so what had been the cause? Such thoughts however were rapidly retreating from her as her emotions were taking over, she was getting lost in the sensations of Sian's tongue in her mouth and her fingers, those slender fingers running up her neck and into her hair and then down her back, over and over again. It was making her shiver. She wished she hadn't agreed to that shift last night. She wished she hadn't of felt awkward at the prospect of a day spent entirely with her girlfriend, jumping at the opportunity of a shift as soon as Dev had asked. She wished they had had this conversation yesterday, or the day before, so today they would be making up in bed. But she had to go to work, she couldn't let Dev down at such short notice, she was already certain she was going to be late.
Sophie reluctantly pulled away from the kiss and brought her hands up to cup either side of Sian's face. "I have to go" she said breathlessly, her eyes closed and her heart fluttering with what had been conjured up inside of her.
Sian didn't say anything, she just slowly opened her eyes and pulled her lips into a slight smile, her hands running over Sophie's shoulders and down to her forearms. "Okay" she whispered, finally.
Sophie's eyes were open and she licked her lips. "I'll get away early, Amber will cover for me".
Sian raised an eyebrow, "She will?"
Sophie took a step back, "Yeah, she's a mate like that".
"Oh". Sian watched as Sophie approached the door, her brow furrowed. "Why couldn't Amber do the whole shift?"
Sophie just shrugged as she opened the door, "I dunno, maybe she's doing something".
"Oh". Sian's eyes wandered off as she thought about it. She wasn't really too sure what to think. She just didn't want Sophie to go.
"Babe I'll be back, soon as I can, okay?" Sophie stood there looking at her and wanted her to believe that she was doing what she could to make this better.
Sian smiled weakly, her left arm across her chest and her right hand gripping at her neck. "Okay", she echoed.
Sophie smiled at her, and walked out the door.
Outside Sophie took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. Her heart was thudding like crazy in her chest and her mind was buzzing. Her hands came up to the sides of her head and she rubbed her temples. What was she doing? How long had Sian felt like she hadn't loved her? When had she stopped telling her? She had no idea. She knew she loved her, but she knew things had changed, like they were snapping at each other more often than they weren't and the whole money thing had proper got Sian mad at her. Sophie knew she shouldn't have taken it, but she did it for the right reasons and she would always think that. For some reason Sian didn't seem to understand that and Sophie guessed for a while that was a massive wedge between them. Maybe it still was.
She sighed heavily and put her hands on her hips, poking her tongue out as she thought about things. Could this be fixed? She looked across the street and remembered she was probably late for work. She was going to have to ring Amber if she wasn't already in the shop and get her to cover for her. Maybe she would have some advice for what was happening, Sophie certainly needed a friend right then. She pulled her phone from her pocket and saw that it was five past ten. She was late.