12: Depression

"Dear Louise, since you're reading this, you're alive and well, and I'm most likely dead. I mixed in the sleeping potion Siesta gave me with your wine so I could get you to safety, while I took on the army of 70,000. No matter what happens, or what anyone says, do NOT cast summon servant. It won't prove anything. I'd like to say more, but now is not the time. In about a month, head to Saxe-Gotha and track down an orphanage run by a blond haired woman. She will be able to explain in more detail. Goodbye Louise, I love you."

I reread the note to myself. It was written in Saito's language, so I was the only one who could. It had been close to two week since Saito stalled the army at Saxe-Gotha. Since then, I had rarely left my room. Unless it was to get food, take a bath or anything like that, I never left my bed, much less my room. I couldn't stop thinking of how Saito went and got himself killed to protect me. Why? Why didn't he just go and live his life? I already knew the answer.

I kept trying to convince myself that he was still alive, that he had some kind of escape plan. Maybe he stole a ship, maybe he ran off in the middle of the battle, maybe he pretended to be dead so he could sneak off. Saito just wasn't the kind of person to do something like this without some kind of escape plan.

I just wasn't ready to believe them. I met with as many generals as I could, and begged them to turn around. No matter who I talked too, every one of them agreed that no single person would have dared gone up against the army. One person said that even if he went there, he would already be dead. I kicked him in the shin and ran off.

Someone knocked on my door.

"Louise?" it was Montmoreny and Guiche. I didn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment.

"Louise, you haven't left this room in days. People are starting to worry." Montmorency says.

"I've left."

"To get food and go to the bathroom. You need to get out more. Yes, Saito was a good man, but he's probably gone now." Says Guiche.

"No. He's not gone." I refuse to believe it. "And I can prove it. I get up and grab my wand.

"Summon servant?"

I nod my head. In my desperate attempt to prove he's alive, I forgot that his note said not to cast summon servant. Or maybe I just didn't care. I needed to know if he was alive.

"Louise, you might want to prepare yourself. If the gate opens..." Montmorency's voice trails off. I know what she's talking about, and it worries me. If the gate opens, then Saito's really...

I raise my wand and begin the incantation. Montmorency covers her eyes and turns away. Guiche looks terrified as well. I finish and bring down my wand.

The gate opens.

I stare at the gate. I can't move, and my brain shuts down while I just stare. I hear a voice shout, "Shut the gate!" I react, and the gate is shut. I fall to my knees and I feel tears coming from my eyes.

I hear Guiche say something but I can't make it out. I hear footsteps and then my door shuts. I lay down on my side and continue crying.

*Elsewhere*

Saito was dreaming. In his dream, he and Louise made it to Japan, and Louise became a famous pop idol, then he was woken by a bright light. He looked around, but saw nothing like that light.

He shook his head. "Louise, I told you not to cast that spell, didn't I?"

He gets up, grabs Derflinger, and goes back to training his sword skills, worried about what Louise will do next.

*Back at the academy*

It had been about another week since the gate opened, and I never left my room. I just lied in my bed and slept as much as possible. I slept because I could only ever see Saito in my dreams. When I couldn't sleep, I drank. Eventually I would pass out and enter the dreamworld again. A part of my brain knew that he was gone, and I'd never see him again. The rest of my brain simply refused to listen to reason.

All of my dreams involved Saito in some way, and he was always much more gentle then he was in real life. That's how I knew they were dreams, but I didn't care. He was there with me. God, I thought to myself, I sound like such a sap.

The dream I was currently happening was probably one of my best. Saito and I were sitting on top the artillery tower, the tallest tower at the academy. We were just sitting and looking at the stars.

"It's a beautiful night, isn't it Louise?"

I nodded, "Yes, it is a nice night out." When I recall the dreams, I always wince at how stupid I sound. Throughout the course of my dreams during those weeks, I had hit every romance cliché ever. I blame the alcohol.

Saito turned to me, "Not as beautiful as you, My Louise."

I blushed, "I-idiot! What's with that all of a sudden?"

Saito moves closer and pulls me into a hug. I don't even bother trying to hide how happy that makes me.

"I love you, Louise."

"I-I love you too." I really need to learn how to dream with better dialogue. That's the best my mind can come up with? I feel a breeze and realize I'm wearing the cat costume again. I instinctively try to cover myself, but Saito stops me.

"Its fine, isn't it? After all, you did wear those for me, didn't you?" He says while undoing the top of the costume.

I should be embarrassed, I should be kicking, screaming, yelling, but I don't. I let him continue. When he succeeds in taking it off, I blush and try to cover myself. Then he kisses me and I lose my strength, and I wrap my arms around him. Then I wake up.

I look around my room for Saito, but of course he's not there. I feel an odd mix of embarrassment and disappointment.

"Now I just feel cheated." I mutter to myself, embarrassment of the dream begins to take over the disappointment. "Maybe, I should go for a walk, clear my mind and think about things." I don't even know who I'm talking too, but it calms me to at least speak. I have a feeling that someone's listening, though I don't know who.

Before I know it, without even bothering to dress properly, I walk out my door, I don't even have a destination in mind, I just keep walking.

*Scene Break*

Without even realizing what I'm doing, I find myself at the top of the artillery tower.

"This is where my last dream was." When I'm depressed, talking to myself and stating the obvious tends to calm me down for some reason.

I look up at the sky and feel my legs getting weak, so I sit down.

"Louise! No! You can't!" I turn and see Siesta behind me.

"Can't? Can't do what?" I'm confused beyond measure. What business could I possibly have at the top of the tallest tower... oh.

"Siesta, I'm not committing suicide."

Siesta gives a confused look. "Than why are you here?"

I shrug, "I just wanted to come up here to calm myself down a little." I tell her. I leave out the part about the dream, no point in giving her that kind of information.

Siesta looks immensely relieved. "Thank goodness. I saw you coming up here. I heard about the summon servant spell and I thought that... well, you know."

I look back at the sky and smile to myself. "I'm not going to kill myself over that. Besides, why would I kill myself over him when I know he's still alive?" I don't know why, but his note gave me the feeling that he wasn't telling me something important, just like everything he says. I know he's hiding something and, dead or alive, I'm dragging it out of him.

"That's right! I refuse to believe he's dead! Not unless I see it with my own eyes!" Siesta says happily.

I'm relieved. I'm not the only person who believes in Saito. I turn to Siesta again, "Want to go find him?"

Siesta looks shocked, but I continue, "He was last seen around Saxe-Gotha, So I say we head there and question everyone we see until we find him!" I stand up for added effect, and Siesta jumps up and down with joy.

"Yes! I'd love to!" Then everything goes downhill.

Siesta lands on her dress and manages to trip. I try to catch her, but she plows into me, sending both of us over the edge into open air. Well, if Saito really is dead, I guess I'm going to find out in a few moments. I close my eyes and tears start to... fall, I guess. The impact comes sooner than expected, and is a lot softer than I expected. I open my eyes and see Guiche and Montmorency standing over me and Siesta, a mixture of confusion and worry on their face.

"What were you doing falling through the air?" I can tell by her voice Montmorency has already assumed the worse.

"My statue! You landed on my statue of Saito!" Guiche says. I get up, dust myself off, and look around where I landed. Sure enough, a lump of dirt that looks a lot like Saito's head is around where we landed.

"Montmorency, I was at the top of the tower because I wanted to look at the skyline. Siesta came up too, thinking the worse. She tripped and sent both of us over the edge on accident," I tell her before turning to Guiche, "Guiche, Your statute of Saito just saved out lives, so no hard feelings. Besides there's no point in a memorial if someone's not dead, right?" Saito's calm way of addressing people and stopping them stone cold with logic was starting to rub off on me.

Guiche and Montmorency both gasp. "B-but the summon servant-" Montmorency begins.

"I don't care, He's alive, I know it. Tomorrow, me and Siesta are going to Albion to find him dead or alive."

Montmorency looks shocked at my suggestion, but Guiche nods his head. "Indeed, I would very much like it if he wasn't dead. He was a very skilled swordsman, and I wouldn't hesitate to call him a friend," Guiche looks me straight in the eye with a seriousness unlike him, "Go. Find Saito and bring him here. I'm sure everyone will be happy to see him."

"H-how can you all be sure he's alive?" Montmorency still doesn't believe us, and I don't blame her.

"It's called trust. I trust him because he's my familiar, and Guiche trusts him as a friend. Because of this trust, we both know he's not dead." I tell her coldly.

"Hey! What about me?" Siesta asks, angry that I left her out.

I shrug, another trait Saito seems dead set on passing on to me, "To be honest, I don't know the relationship between you two that well, so I don't really know."

Montmorency still looks like she thinks we're crazy, but then I can almost see something in her mind click. "Your probably right. If all three of you agree that he isn't dead, than there's no way he can be dead." She focuses her gaze on Siesta and me, "I can tell no matter what anyone says or shows you, you won't back down from this. Go, find Saito."

I smile, "Thank you." I turn to Siesta, "Pack you bags, tomorrow we head for Albion to find Saito."

I silently swear to myself that no matter what happens I will find Saito. I will search the entire planet if I need too until I find him. And when I do, I'm going to hit him so hard that he'll never do anything to worry me like this ever again.

Saito sighed to himself in relief. "About time she got going. I thought she had forgotten."

"Partner, how do you know she's coming?" Derflinger asked.

"I can see through her left eye and she's packing for what looks like a long trip. Just a little longer until she arrives. I better start thinking about how I'm going to explain this to her. It would suck to reunite with her than get killed because I couldn't come up with a good reason for not heading back as soon as I was better."

"Best get to it partner. I doubt you'd want to die because of that girl a third time."