16.5: Elf
Okay, I really wasn't expecting Louise to offer THAT, and I certainly wasn't expecting for her to get that far. After the fifth time we almost got that far only for nothing to happen, I resigned myself to the fact that I will never get any, ever. I guess I was wrong. Doing my best to avoid talking about what had happened, I kept some distance from Louise. The whole situation was a little awkward to talk about. I began having some sword fighting spars with Guiche and the rest of the knights of the water spirit to take my mind off of it.
I noticed that Tiffania wasn't doing a good job of socializing. Everyone seemed to really like her, but she was just too nervous to be friendly back. I noticed that there was this one group of girls who really seemed to hate her for some reason. I tried talking with Louise to see if we should do something, but she thought it would be better if we let them be. I called her and idiot and stormed out.
Okay, maybe you're the idiot for yelling at her. All that accomplished was hurting Louise's feeling. Congratulations, you made an underaged girl cry... again. And after all that happened last night. Does it just no occur to you that maybe she's just jealous that you're thinking about Tiffania? My inner monologue just loves mocking me when I make bad choices. Wait, you're not just upsetting her on purpose for the make up sex, are you? 'Seriously? You think I would do something like that?' ... Yes. 'Why don't you have an off switch?'
Nothing really happens until a few days later. I noticed that a rather large crowd of people was gathered in the courtyard. Already? That was quick. I had tossed my time stream cheat sheet into the nearest trash can a while back since I never really used it, so I couldn't confirm. I pushed my way through the crowd to see what the commotion was about. In the middle was a large pot of boiling water, a hatless Tiffania, and the ring leader of those girls who were bullying her.
"What the hell's going on here?" Not much point in formalities when someone's about to get boiled alive, right?
The ring leader looks at me. "Isn't it obvious? We're having an inquisition! We're testing whether this elf really believes in Brimir, like she says she does."
"And the boiling water is for?"
"If she truly believes in Brimir, the water will feel just right, if she doesn't then she gets boiled alive. Simple, right?" I can't remember her name, but I remember how much I hated her.
"And who exactly are you to do this?" I'm being completely honest. All I remember about her is that she did this inquisition. She never really did anything after that.
She glared at me. "You really don't know?"
I pound my fist into my palm. "I remember! You're that spoiled brat from the Guldenhorf family! Beatrice, right?"
Her glare gets even worse after that. "And who are you to talk to me that way!"
"Me? I'm Saito Chevalier de Hiraga, The one who held back the army of 70,000 during the war with Albion, commanding officer of the Ondine Knights of the Water Spirit, and Familiar of Louise Vallière. I also formed a contract with the water spirit herself after I retrieved her ancient artifact, the Ring of Andvarri. I beat an elf that was keeping the princess of Gallia hostage in a fight, though Louise helped me with that one." I can't help but grin as I say this. I forgot just how good it can feel to brag every once in a while. Beatrice's face didn't help either. It grew paler with each accomplishment I mentioned, as did most of the crowds.
"W-what? V-Vallière's f-f-familiar? What?"
"By the way, regarding that pot, did you actually test it to make sure believers could survive, or did you just heat the pot up with the intent of killing Tiffania?"
"I-I..." Than her face regains that arrogance from earlier. "So, you're willing to stop an inquisition? We can have you burned at the stake for treason you know?"
I chuckle to myself. "Do you have permission from a bishop?"
Her face paled. "I-it's at my family's house."
It's my turn to glare at her. "Really? I think you're lying. Besides, you also need an approval form from the church of Romalia. It looks to me you just took the founder's name and are using it to torture a girl you don't like." I silently thank Louise for mentioning all this last time. I had committed it to memory just in case I needed it down the road. Looks like it paid off.
At that, the crowd broke into jeers and protest and Beatrice broke down. She fell to her knees and began crying her eyes out. Tiffania approached her.
"Well, Tiffania? I think you have a right to do whatever you want to her." I tell her. The crowd falls silent.
Tiffania holds out her hand to Beatrice.
"Let's be friends, alright?" Beatrice looks at Tiffania, and nods, tears still in her eyes.
"Just to let everyone know, Tiffania's not full elf, her father was human," I tell the crowd.
Apparently that's more than enough reason for the entire student body to charge Tifa and start trying to be her friend. I try to calm everyone down, and then I get caught up in the bull rush and get trampled.
*Scene Break*
I woke up in the medical clinic, my head hurts, my arm's in a sling, and I can't feel the left side of my face.
"Oh yeah, the stampede after the inquisition was stopped." Last time I wound up here, it was because of a huge fight that broke out between the students and Beatrice's bodyguards. At least those injuries held some dignity. This was just embarrassing. I heard footsteps coming towards my little area and the curtain opened, showing Tiffania.
"Why hello there Tiffania, how are you doing? Because I got stepped on by about 50 people." I really shouldn't be this angry, it wasn't her fault, but I was still sour about the whole thing.
Her response is to hang her head. "I'm sorry, I didn't know they would all be so eager to talk to me."
"It's fine, I don't blame you. If anything its my fault for not getting out of there."
"S-sorry, but I have a request for you."
"And what's that?" If it was what I thought it was then...
"C-could you feel these," she points to her chest, "and tell me if they're real?"
CRAP.
"W-what!"
She blushes. "It's just that... Everyone asks me if they're real or not, even the headmaster. I... I just thought that you would know."
Think of an excuse quick! We can't let this happen again! My inner monologue seems desperate to get me out of this. "Um... well, d-don't you think it would be better to ask a girl?" Nice, real nice. Shut up inner monologue.
"I guess so."
"Yeah! I don't know anything about that, go ask Louise or Kirche or someone." Anyone, as long as it's not me! Luckily at that moment, Louise and Siesta decide to drop by.
"Louise! Tiffania here wants someone to feel her chest to see if their's anything unnatural about it. I managed to convince her to ask someone who's not me to do it so please, start groping this elf's chest!" Then I blink. That was not a sentence I thought I would ever say. Everyone else seems surprised by this too, and I don't blame them.
Louise turns to Tiffania. "Is that true? You were asking him to grab your b-b-b-breasts?" She's visibly flustered, I'm not sure if it's because of what I just finished saying or something else entirely.
Tiffania nods, clearly embarrassed, "Y-yes. Everyone keeps asking me if they're real or not so I wanted someone to let me know if they were unusual."
I decide I want nothing to do with this conversation so I get up, undo my bandages and cast, and walk away.
"I'll let you three figure things out. This is a conversation I'd be very happy if you kept me out of."
*Scene Break*
I was really glad I was able to dodge the bullet that time. I have no idea what this Louise, who I can only assume has a lot of built up anger, would do if she caught me groping Tifa, what with all that's happened up to this point. I shudder at the thought, and try to stop thinking about it. The whole situation became another one where those involved vowed to never speak about, so hopefully It'll be forgotten pretty quickly.
In the interest of doing just that, I began taking midnight strolls again. One time I went into the Alviss dining hall and rescued a poor Alviss that was stuck underneath a vase that had fallen. She thanked me and went to join her friends.
I also began training with the knights even more. Some alarms went off in my head about this, but I don't know what they could be for. I remember when they dragged me into a cave and told me they have something to cheer me up.
"Cheer me up?" I really don't see why I need to be cheered up.
"Well, you've been really silent, and you've been doing almost nothing but training. We thought that maybe something was upsetting you, so we have something to cheer you up," Explains Reynal.
Guiche, Malicorne, Reynal, and that other guy who's name escapes me, lead me through a dark tunnel, whose destination I know all too well, to the point of amnesia being forced upon me by Louise after it so I remembered only that it happened, not what I saw.
Eventually we reached the end of the tunnel and the four of them used their magic to poke a hole in the wall. They motioned that I should be the first to check it out and I oblige. On the other side is what most men would consider paradise, the women's baths. Almost the entire female student body is there right now, wearing only towels. Luckily Louise and Tiffania aren't there yet, or I would have had a much harder time pulling myself away from the wall.
"You decided to peak on the girl's bath?" I try my best to suppress me anger at how indecent this is. Sure I enjoyed the view last time, and I still do, but experience has taught me that these kinds of things only lead to pain.
They all nod. "Isn't it great!"
"Of course, but I wouldn't want to enjoy it all to myself, someone else go." I move away from the wall and I see them all try to go for it at once. I lean against a wall, close my eyes and try to decide on a course of action.
"Hey, look there!"
"Where?"
"Next to Louise, isn't that Tiffania?"
At the mention of Louise my eyes shoot open. Aw, how sweet. The man doesn't want his lover seen by anyone else. You have my sincerest congratulations for that.
Seconds before I start my attempts on the lives of the knights, I decide on a better choice of action. I punch them all in the face hard enough to knock them unconscious.
"What the hell were you thinking?" I yell loud enough for anyone on the other side to hear me. I intend to drag them out and leave them to the vultures, or blood thirsty girls as the case may be. I grab them by their collars and begin to drag them outside, but halfway through the tunnel I feel a strong wind and all five of us get swept out. The four of them land on the ground outside the hole, but I go flying towards the Alviss dining hall.
"What just happened?"
"Close your eyes," comes a familiar voice. I oblige.
"Let me guess, you recognized it was me who yelled at the peepers and cast that wind spell, didn't you Tabitha?"
"Yes."
"Damn, your fast. I didn't think anyone would be able to get dressed, get into the dining hall and cast such a powerful spell so quickly."
"I didn't." What? But then...
"Oh... That's why my eyes are closed."
"Yes." Yeah, Tabitha skipped the getting dressed part. I was alone in dining hall with a very naked Tabitha. Well, that's just great.
"Well, thank you for helping me." Then she pushes me against a wall and put a finger to my lips.
"I'm telling you, they ran past here!" Comes one of the female students.
"Ugh, I can't believe Guiche would be so perverted!" Says Montmorency.
Luckily I'm so scared of being discovered that my mind doesn't register that Tabitha is naked and pushing me up against a wall. Otherwise, I would have passed out from nasal blood loss for about the sixth time. Eventually the two voices leave and we're alone once again.
"Well thank you Tabitha, that was close." Then I hear what I assume is one of the Alviss accidentally knock over a pot, and Tabitha tenses.
"Ghost," and then she faints. I'm alone with an underaged, naked, unconscious girl, and people are wanted for peeping on the girls bath. This image isn't bound to get me killed at all! You just can't help but get the lolis naked, can you? 'You know what?' What? 'Shut up.'
Being careful not to look, I take off my parka and put it over Tabitha. I head out for the center of the dining hall. I lie down and just look at the moon through the skylight, wondering what I should do next. Eventually I hear footsteps.
"Saito?"
"Hello Louise, How'd you know I'd be here?" I say while sitting up to look at her. Luckily for me, she's decided to get fully dressed instead of just throwing on a bathrobe.
"I saw the moon through your eyes." Hmm... Apparently she could see through my eyes. I'd have to figure out the specifics behind it later.
"I take it this isn't just a friendly visit?"
She nods. "You were there when they were peeping, weren't you?" Great job Louise! Right to the point!
I sigh. "Yep. Would you like an explanation as to why?" She nods. "Apparently I've been too serious, so the other knights felt as though they should do something to cheer me up. I didn't remember that what that something was peeping on the girl's bath. You from the past made sure that I remember nothing from the event," I say while rubbing my head.
She nods, then blushes. "H-how much did you see?" Weird, she's asking me if I saw her taking a bath? All things considered I don't see much of a problem with it, but it's best I don't anger her.
"I didn't see anything. I don't know what the other saw, but once they mentioned that you were there, I decided it would be best to ruin their day."
She sighs in what I assume is relief. I decide to bring up that Tabitha is right behind us wearing only my jacket, but Tabitha beats me too it. She sits up, and my jacket falls off her. Louise gives me a death glare. You're so screwed man. 'Thanks for the encouragement.'
"Saito," I chill goes down my spine when I hear Louise's death voice, "since you are so good with explanations, I will give you a chance to explain why Tabitha is naked and wearing your jacket."
I'm almost too scared to speak, but I have to or I'll be dead within seconds. "W-Well, Tabitha heard me yell at the knights, and she used her tornado to pull them out of the hole, and me into the dining hall. She didn't have time to get dressed, and she passed out when she thought she heard a ghost, so I put my jacket on her." I close my eyes and prepare to be utterly killed.
"All right, then lets get her some clothes." I sigh in relief. I get to add yet another day to my "Days gone by without Louise making an attempt on my life" streak.
*Scene Break*
I never realized how much my ability to stop people cold with logic helped me. After the bath incident, Louise didn't punish me, considering I didn't see anything and was pulled into it unknowingly. The rest of the guys weren't as lucky. They were going to be expelled, but I was able to convince the school to instead put them on weeding duty for about three years, give or take.
I was simply sitting around in Louise's room, waiting for something to happen when Siesta showed up.
"Saito, where's Louise?"
"She went to town to get some supplies. She actually should have been back by now." I don't know what supplies she needs, or for what, but that's what she told me, and she insisted that I stay here.
"Oh! Well, then do you want a drink?"
What's she planning? "Sure. Why not."
She walks out, and I decide to follow her, to be on the safe side. She goes to the kitchen and grabs too bottles. She pours wine into both of them, and then she pulls out a small bottle from her pocket.
"And may I ask what you were doing with that bottle?"
She yelps and drops the bottle, which rolls away. I don't bother going after it, it can't be anything too deadly, right? Then I remembered what it was, but I still let it roll. No one's going to be stupid enough to drink from an unmarked bottle, right? Never underestimate human stupidity.
"Saito! I-I was um... I can't think of anything." She hangs her head in shame. Not everyone shares my uncanny ability to pull a lie out of thin air and have it sound believable.
"Than what were you doing?"
"Love potion." She says sheepishly.
I blink. "You do realize those are illegal, right?"
She nods.
"And you do know that Louise won that bet, right?"
She gasps. "You did hear us!"
"Actually no, I heard about it from Louise afterwards." I almost smile when I realize that this actually is the complete truth, even if I did leave out that it was the Louise from my time, but still, points for me.
"At any rate, don't worry about it. I'm sure absolutely no negative side effects will occur from this one event. After all, who would be stupid enough to drink from an unmarked bottle, and it's not like the effects of the potion spread whenever someone who drank it kisses someone!"
As if some divine force screws with my memory at will, I had forgotten that the situation I just said is exactly what happens. Its proven when Monrmorency, Louise (Who came back just in time from her errands), Kirche, Tabitha, and every girl from the charming fairy inn burst through the door chasing Tiffania. Sometimes I should really just shut my mouth and not say anything.
"Well, I guess I'm a complete idiot who should never open his mouth."
Siesta and I just stare at the scene in front of us. None of them seem to notice we're there, which I am extremely thankful for. The whole group continues making out with each other for the next several minutes. Before it can get worse, the potion's effects appear to wear off. Everyone stops and just looks around until they remember what happened.
"I'm scared to ask, but did what I think happen, just happen?" Asks Louise.
I decide to let them know that we're here. "If what you think happened was all of you getting drunk on love potion and making out with each other, than yes. That's what happened."
Louise blushes when she sees me. "S-Saito! S-Siesta! H-how long were you standing there?"
"We've been here since before the incident began. In fact, Siesta here is what caused it. The love potion fell out of her pocket and rolled away. I ignored it because I didn't know what it was. I assume one of you found it, fell under its effects, then spread it to everyone else."
"Siesta! Why did you have a love potion!" Why is Louise the only one saying anything?
"I gave it to her to use on Saito. I didn't think this would happen," says Jessica.
"Well, that clears everything up. Besides, it looks like everyone had fun. And why did I say that?" I soon as I finish that sentence, I'm immediately jumped by everyone present, who all begin beating the crap out of me. Let me repeat once more. YOU ARE AN IDIOT! I thought being from the future was supposed to help you AVOID these situations! My inner monologue is a real dick sometimes. This whole situation is the one time I want to black out, but it never happens. I get to experience every second of a group of angry women beating the living crap out of me.
After a while, they either tire out, decide they've had their fill, or worry that they went to far when they see the small lump of flesh that used to be me. They all leave except for Louise and Siesta. I just lie there pathetically.
"S-sorry. We might have gotten carried away." At least Louise has the decency to apologize.
"Its fine. I deserved it. I'm going go back to the room and sleep it off. One last thing before I do."
"Yes?"
"Stay away from the wine. Please." I get up and limp off towards Louise's room.
*Louise POV*
"What did he mean by that?" Saito usually has a reason for his actions, but why would he want me to stay away from the wine?
"Louise?"
"Yes, Siesta?" I'm not really upset, I'm more disappointed that she didn't honor the deal, and that she resorted to such under-handed tactics.
"I'm sorry. If I had just upheld my end of the bargain this wouldn't have happened."
"Its fine. Come on, have a drink and forget about it." I decide Saito was just messing with me. What harm could come from one glass of wine? Siesta pours the wine into two glasses, and we toast, and drink the wine.
"Louise, weren't these glasses of wine mixed up in the scuffle?" Then her expressions changes from scared, to half asleep.
Oh. This is what he meant. I should listen to him next time.
"Siesta, have you always been this cute? Your maid outfit is sickeningly adorable."
"Louise, you're soooo cute! I could just eat you up!"
To keep a long, embarrassing story short, not long after that, me and Siesta were naked on the floor, licking cream off each other. Next time I will listen to Saito, no matter how stupid the warning sounds.