Chapter 4:

"So…Midgar?" Cloud said tentatively, a full day later. He had pushed to leave the cave sooner but Zack had insisted that he needed time to heal and regain his strength-Cloud could have told him that a day one way or the other would not make much difference, but he was not exactly eager to strike out into the unknown future. He suspected that Zack felt similarly. The difference was of course that Zack was brave enough to overcome that fear, while he, Cloud, had he been alone, could not be sure that he would be.

Zack inspected him narrowly. "Are you sure you're strong enough to walk far?" he asked. Cloud nodded firmly. "Yes." He had spent a year as weak and as vulnerable as possible: now it was time to show Zack that he was not completely useless, that he too could stand up to the world. Quite honestly he seriously doubted his ability to do so, but it was something to fight for, at least.

"Well-okay, then, but we'll take it slow, all right?"

Together they moved out of the refuge of their cave into the sunlight, Zack keeping a watchful eye on his younger friend, far from convinced that he was strong enough for a journey like this. Cloud looked very white, supernaturally-blue eyes almost glowing in his gaunt face, and he seemed shaky, clearly caused some pain by the injuries still unhealed all over his body, but he was upright and walking, and even that seemed miraculous to Zack right now. Cloud caught him watching and made an effort to smile.

"I'm okay, Zack."

"Yeah…sure…" He decided to change the subject. "I think we should head North as long as we can today and we should reach Midgar in a week or so. Maybe we can hitch a lift or something along the way."

"We're that close?" Cloud said in surprise. Zack shrugged.

"We came a long way this past year."

Cloud ducked his head in embarrassment. He had been trying hard not to dwell on those months of such complete dependency.

…..

The weather had turned cold and a chill wind blew as they struck out across the plains. Zack kept the pace fairly slow, seeing that Cloud still suffered some pain and weariness from his injuries, but not quite slow enough for his friend to notice and object. He remembered from their days in the lab how driven he could be-how obstinate almost to the point of being masochistic. They marched in silence for a long time, easy with each other as if they had never done anything else. Cloud had always been quiet, Zack remembered, and he himself was wrapped up in thoughts and fears of the future; during their years of torture they had come to know each other so well that they almost did not have to speak to communicate.

Towards midday, however, Cloud became aware of a new difficulty. It began as a throbbing headache, which he managed to ignore for the most part, but as they went on the pain intensified until he could scarcely see. When he blinked the world took on a bizarrely green hue, the sky reflecting wrong-coloured light, the earth glimmering as if studded with glass and jewels. His hands grew sweaty and he saw them trembling when he looked down. He fought to ignore such sensations, to quell his fear at them by convincing himself that they were just side-effects of his injuries and weakness-it worked for a while, but it could not forever.

At last Zack turned to him, to ask if he wanted to stop and rest for a while, and was immediately shocked by his friend's condition. Cloud had been a little pale and wan that morning, but now he looked fevered, panicky, head bowed as if against a strong wind, clutching the stolen cloak about him as if in desperate need of protection, his face glistening with sweat and white as a sheet. He stopped dead.

"Hey, Spiky, you doing okay?"

Cloud looked up in faint, almost delirious desperation. "Yeah. I'm fine. Why d'you stop?" His eyes were glowing brighter than ever; it unnerved Zack. It was like looking into a blue hell, or vortex.

"I think we should rest a while," he said uneasily. "You look…"

"Huh? No. I'm fine. Just fine. We should carry on. I'm not tired…" The words tumbled out too fast, too garbled, almost slurred. Cloud seemed to be swaying on his feet and, alarmed, Zack stepped forward to steady him. Confused and feeling the strength draining out of him with every passing second, Cloud sidestepped him and flung out an arm to ward him off: there was a burst of green and a jet of emerald light like a laser beam zipped past Zack to blaze into the ground beside him. Cloud yelled in shock and stumbled back, only to see the green light flare brighter-Zack sprang forwards, cannoning into him and pushing him down onto the ground.

"Cloud! Take it easy!" he cried. Cloud's panicked eyes stared back at him-he sucked in a deep, shuddering breath. The light dimmed, then faded-he sagged back, breathing hard, shivering. Zack scrambled backwards to sit beside him, arms wrapped loosely around his knees.

"What's going on, Cloud?" he asked, quietly and seriously. Cloud could only shake his head in terror and bewilderment.

"I don't know," he whispered. "I don't know."

…..

They did not find much shelter that night, having to make do with a small copse of bushes where they set out their few possessions behind in rough semblance of a camp. Cloud was still traumatised and panicky after his sudden loss of control and the explosions of green light-it had happened twice now, and he was beginning to be really afraid of whatever was going on with him, with his body and mind, and why. He and Zack shared the last of the small amount of food they had stolen from the criminals Cloud had killed, and agreed that Zack would keep watch first. Cloud, exhausted, rolled himself in his cloak for warmth and closed his eyes to try and sleep: his body buzzed with the tensions of the day, however, and he found that sleep would not come.

"Hey, Zack," he said after a while. "Who was that girl you talked about, in the lab, and other times? When we get back to Midgar we can go find her."

A pause. "I hope so," Zack's voice echoed back.

"What was her name again?"

Zack, sitting hugging his knees, smiled with the instinct of joy even her mention aroused in him. "Aerith," he said softly. "Yeah, I hope we can find her."

Cloud waited, but his friend said no more. He could feel Zack smiling, though, feel his contentment, temporary though it might be, and it made the world seem okay. That was the thing people remembered about Zack-his smile, and his attitude that the world was a good place, that there was always hope. Cloud had missed it, these past few days.

"And what about you, Spiky?" Zack said suddenly, the old cockiness back in his tone. "There no-one you're dreaming of?"

Cloud was glad he was still lying down facing away from Zack, for he knew he must have flushed red. He made a non-committal mumble.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that?" Zack said, the sound of suppressed laughter plain in his tone. Cloud tried not to think about Tifa, that girl he and Zack had met during that so-long ago mission to Nibelheim, the girl he had been injured trying to protect and who had half-carried him to safety afterwards. But he had thought about her since, dreamed about her…back in his childhood, she had been the one he watched, the one he had always wanted to talk to, to be friends with, later, to prove himself for. Always her.

But it seemed so bizarre to think about any kind of future for the two of them now. She probably didn't even remember he existed.

Fortunately, Zack seemed to have decided to let it go, maybe pre-occupied with thinking about Aerith. Cloud, relieved, found that those few words when they had pretended that everything was going to be all right, had relaxed something deep inside him, and suddenly it was easy to drop off into darkness, his last thought an image of Tifa, smiling as if she liked the idea that he might be coming back to her. He was asleep within moments: Zack sat leaning against a tree stump, head tipped back and staring up into the stars.

Maybe it would be possible to see Aerith again, in Midgar or later. Her memory filled him like the scent of flowers, intoxicating, unbelievably beautiful. He smiled. But quickly the fears of the present overcame him once more.

He was out of his depth here, far out of his depth. Something was happening to Cloud, something unexplainable, and he was too afraid and too confused to confront it directly. But if he was honest with himself, he had been out of his depth for a long time. It was not usual to have attained such a high position in SOLDIER at as young an age as he had, though not unheard-of, and for a very long time now he had been fighting enemies he could no longer fully hate, people like Angeal…things had not been simple for a long time now. And after Nibelheim, and everything that had happened to himself and Cloud in the lab, and then later, that endless desperate escape, and dying…he felt that he did not know himself any more. He wanted everything to be simple again: to know what was going on, and what he had to do and who he had to fight, and what was right and what was wrong. He had been happy in his life, before. Now he just no longer understood anything.

His gaze fell on the small, curled figure beside him, Cloud's face set in a frown, perhaps in defiance of his nightmares, his spiky blond hair falling into his eyes. This person, this brother, this comrade in arms, he was worth fighting for, worth dying for-had Zack not already proved that? He could be sure of that, if nothing else: the future was full of uncertainty and fear, but Cloud was still here and that meant that he had done something right.

He expected nightmares. Cloud had gone through absolute hell-trauma and nightmares were only to be expected. He was concerned, but not unduly panicked, when he noticed his friend scrunching up his face, head tossing from side to side in fear as the dreams took hold. He sighed-it was definitely going to take time for either of them to get over this-and moved across their little camp to try and wake Cloud.

"No…no…please…" his friend was mumbling. "Don't…I can't…can't…"

"Hey, Cloud," Zack called softly. "Cloud, it's okay…" He laid a reassuring hand on Cloud's shoulder, and Cloud jerked away as violently as if he had been electrically shocked, a strangled cry breaking from his throat. "No-"

"Spike, it's me! Wake up!"

Cloud lashed out, his whole body arching up off the ground, and Zack began to feel really scared. This was no ordinary nightmare. He gripped his younger friend by the shoulders, trying to pin him down, and Cloud yelled in panic, struggling desperately. Zack cursed, knowing that this was not going to be doing the former infantryman's injuries any good, but there was little he could do about that. Cloud's whole body was stiffened and trembling, convulsing against Zack, and then suddenly his eyes snapped open and he flung his body backwards with a gasp of panic. Zack held up his hands in instinctive defence.

"Cloud, take it easy…"

Cloud scrambled backwards, eyes fixed in utter terror on Zack's face-utter bewilderment. With an icy chill that struck right through his marrow, Zack realised that Cloud did not recognise him. He leaned forwards, holding out one hand, as if to try and pacify a frightened animal, trying hard to conceal the panic that throbbed within. Cloud continued backing away, his breath coming fast and shallow, too shallow.

"Cloud," Zack said, voice a little unsteady. "Cloud Strife, come on. You know who I am."

Cloud shook his head desperately, eyes flashing about the camp as if searching for a way out of the trap he suddenly found himself trapped in. His back struck a rock and he stopped, flinging out his arms to defend himself.

"Yes, yes you do," Zack said intently. "Cloud, it's me, Zack. You're my best friend. You know me. I know you do. Come on."

Cloud's whole body seemed to convulse then, and he made a kind of desperate gasping sound as if struggling for breath, and then suddenly he was on his feet. Zack shot upright as well, terrified that Cloud would just bolt into the wilds, and sprang forwards. Cloud stumbled backwards, then suddenly lashed out with a yell of anger, hitting Zack across the face. Zack did not fall but he flinched away, astonished that Cloud could have done such a thing. Nor was his friend finished. He swung again for Zack's face, fist clenched, but Zack managed to block him and twist his arm, sending him crashing to the ground and dropping across him to pin him down. Cloud struggled desperately, strangled gasps issuing from between clenched teeth, his eyes wild and unseeing, completely maddened, the inflamed irises glowing a brighter blue than ever. Zack held him fast, stronger and heavier than Cloud, but inside he was a broken mess of shock, like shattered glass. This was beyond anything he had imagined-Cloud seemed to have just gone insane and attacked him, and Zack was unable to believe that things could have gone this badly wrong.

"Cloud!" he shouted suddenly. "Cloud, dammit, just snap out of it, okay? It's me!"

Cloud's body shuddered violently and then quite abruptly stilled. His eyes closed and he fell limp beneath Zack, as if he had suddenly passed out. Zack sat back, uncertain.

"Cloud?"

Cloud's eyes cracked open and he sucked in a long, shivering breath. "Zack?" he whispered, and gingerly pushed himself up into a sitting position. "Zack-what just-"

Zack noticed that his nose was bleeding. Despite his weakened state, Cloud could clearly pack one hell of a punch-that was probably quite a good sign. He put his hand to it, wiping away the worst of the blood. Cloud saw the motion and his ashen face took on a look of mingled panic and horror.

"Oh hell-did I do that?"

"Um-"

Cloud dropped his head into his hands-suddenly he could feel the frail shell of courage that was all that had carried him through the last few days cracking, and the wild fear of what lay within himself rushing out to overwhelm him. "Zack," he whispered. "Zack, there's something…something wrong with me…"

"Hey, hey, it's okay…" Zack barely knew what he was saying, only that the world around them was wild and dark and completely alien, and in face of Cloud's despair all he could think to offer was useless comfort.

"No," Cloud returned angrily. "No, it's not okay. I'm serious, Zack. You have to know…"

Zack sighed. So maybe they should have talked about this sooner. "I know," he said softly. "This green light thing. You don't know where it comes from?"

Cloud shook his head violently, blond spikes of hair falling into his face as he did so. "I thought I was going crazy, imagining it or something…" He closed his eyes momentarily. "Think I'm going crazy anyway."

"No," Zack disagreed firmly. "Spike, you went through hell. We both did. It's normal to be a little…"

"What?" Cloud interrupted almost savagely. "Traumatised? Is that what you were going to say? But this isn't trauma, Zack. This is something else. This green light, it's not normal, it's something…else. And attacking you-" His voice caught and took on a panicked, pleading tone. "Zack, I am so sorry, I swear I had no idea what…I didn't…I'm sorry-"

"It's fine," Zack interrupted. "Seriously, Spike. I know you didn't know what you were doing." He tried to smile. "Good to see you haven't forgotten everything they taught you in SOLDIER, anyway."

"But why didn't I know what I was doing?" Cloud demanded desperately. "And what if it happens again? What if you can't stop me next time?"

"Oh, I don't think I'll have a problem stopping you," Zack muttered. "You're half my size."

Cloud glared. "I am not. And that's not what I meant."

"I know."

"And this green light-where does it come from?"

Zack hesitated, then ploughed ahead, voicing thoughts he had barely even admitted to himself. "You know-whatever this is-I think it saved my life."

Cloud's expression of barely-restrained panic morphed into one of surprise, then confusion. "What?"

Zack shrugged. "I don't know. But remember-on the cliff-when I was dying-"

Cloud nodded stiffly, face set to conceal the pain of the memory. It still haunted his dreams, despite how Zack sat alive and well before him now.

"Well, when I woke up, there was this green…stuff…around the scars. I was fine. Completely healed, you know? But it was like mako, like it'd healed me-like you had healed me."

Cloud just stared. "That's crazy," he said at last. "That's completely crazy."

"Is it, though?" Zack pressed. "Hojo really messed you around. There was so much mako in your system sometimes I thought it was gonna kill you. Maybe it changed something. Maybe Hojo did something to you he never intended. Gave you abilities or something. Maybe the mako-"

"No," Cloud cried suddenly. "No no no-" He surged to his feet, fists clenched, trembling, and whirled round to hide his face. "No, stop it, for God's sake stop it!" he pleaded, his voice halfway between a yell and a sob. "Please," he finished in a whisper, and his head dropped. Zack, startled, rose swiftly and went over to his friend, laying a hand on Cloud's tense, shaking shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I shouldn't have…I know it's painful…remembering…"

"I can't think about it," came Cloud's broken whisper. "I just can't…thinking I'll never be free of it…if he did that to me…I don't wanna think about it…"

"I know. I'm sorry. I know…"

Finally Cloud turned back to him, his breathing a little harsh but his face dry and set. "I'm sorry," he said. "I just…" He stopped, clearly making a superhuman effort to control himself. "So you think this is something to do with the mako they used on me?"

Zack just shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe."

Cloud nodded wordlessly and dropped back to the ground as if exhausted, pillowing his head on folded arms braced on his knees. Zack followed suit, then said impulsively: "We can find some kind of specialist, in Midgar, I bet. Somebody who knows about this stuff."

Cloud looked up, his eyes wide and bright as a child's. "You think so?"

"It's the capital," Zack said, as if that solved everything. "There's bound to be someone. First we just have to get there, and then we can find help for you. I swear we will."

"I hope so," Cloud said softly, his gaze passing Zack completely and fixing on the distant starry sky, the emptiness of space and darkness surrounding them. Zack sighed. "You're gonna be okay, Spike. I promise." But this time Cloud did not answer.

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