Disclaimer: I don't own anything

The True Nature of Art

As Naruto pondered the great mysteries of the universe, a shout interrupted his peaceful journey to the newspaper club.

"YO UZUMAKI!" a tall boy with strawberry blond hair stormed right up to Naruto getting right in his face. "I've heard all the rumors about you and I think their a bunch of crap! There's no way urchin headed trash like you could have possible done..."

He was cut off as Naruto suddenly poked him in the forehead with his index and middle fingers.

"Huh?" muttered the tall boy before Naruto suddenly flicked him in the same spot, sending him flying across the hall head first into a trash can.

"Yep, Baa-chan definitely cooler than Itachi..." he mumbled before opening the door to the newspaper club and stepping inside where he was immediately mobbed by Moka, Yukari, and Kurumu.

"Everyone gather round I've got some important news." declared Gin with a serious tone from his podium at the front of the room.

"What's up sempai?" asked Kurumu.

"I've got some information on the missing girls problem." stated Gin.

"Missing girls?" questioned the rest of the club.

"Exactly! Several female students have vanished one after another without a trace. Seven in just one month! It's not unusual for people to go missing here, but these number don't add up." Gin then passed around a sheet containing information on the missing girls.

Naruto didn't let the last part of his statement slip by, "Wait a minute, why isn't it unusual for people to go missing? I know this is a school for monsters, but wouldn't the teachers do something about?"

"Those people aren't exactly missing, the teachers know where they are. They are being 'punished', but that's not our biggest concern right now. The girls who have disappeared aren't trouble makers. This is the basic info on the girls who have vanished. We're going to find out all the facts on this incident!" roared Gin as he slammed his fist into the podium.

'Looks like I choose well for the head of my information network.' thought Naruto as he looked over the file.

"As you can see from the photos the girls taken are all pretty hot! If someone is holding them hostage I want to save them somehow." Gin moved over and stared out the window with a pensive look. "If they see me in a good light, this could lead to excellent opportunities for my research!" he declared with a perverted grin.

'Perhaps, I went too far with him.' thought Naruto with a sweat drop.

"A couple of the girls have friends in my homeroom class, should we start with them?" asked Kurumu.

"As good a place as any." replied Moka. As she, Yukari, and Kurumu went to leave she noticed Naruto staying behind, "You coming with us?"

Naruto shook his head, "No, I have a couple more questions for sempai. Go on ahead."

"Okay, we'll see you later!" replied Moka as the trio of girls excited.

"So who is it that's licensed to kidnap people around here?" asked Naruto.

Gin froze momentarily as a frown formed on his face before he replied, "Trust me you don't want to know. The minute you go dicking around in their affairs only bad things can happen."

Naruto dismissed his concern entirely, "I can handle myself."

Gin snorted, "I'm sure you can, but these bastards won't just come after you. They'll go after your little girlfriends as well."

"That would make them even bigger fools, but fine I'll drop this...for now" replied Naruto, thinking the last part to himself. "So, who is it?"

"Who is what?" responded Gin, slightly confused.

"Come on, the only reason you'd come to us is if you couldn't save the day yourself. You've already started eliminating people from the suspect list. Who's the main suspect?" asked Naruto.

Gin let out a sigh before responding, "It's the art teacher, Hitomi Ishigami. I can't dig any deeper because she avoids men like the plague."

Naruto immediately realized why he got them involved, "So you were hoping when the girls starting snooping around, she'd take the bait."

Gin shrugged in response, "Pretty much, no way she could resist keeping her paws off those two."

Naruto was mildly impressed, "Good plan, but I've got a better one."

"What's wrong with mine?" asked a slightly miffed Gin.

"Nothing, but with mine you'll get to do some research." replied Naruto.

Gin was now all ears, "I'm listening..."

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Later that day Gin and Naruto found themselves in the hallway outside the girls changing room.

"Well, where's the research you promised? I can't exactly see into the girls changing room from this side." complained Gin as he tapped his foot impatiently in the middle of the hallway.

'Of course not you idiot! We're here because the girls changing room is rather conveniently located across from the art classroom.' thought Naruto as he waited for the arrival of their third party. He then sensed someone coming around the corner, 'Showtime!'

"Gin sempai?" Gin turned around to unload his irritation on Naruto only to come face to face with four Naruto's in their sexy jutsu forms.

"Where have you been all my life foxy-sama!" cried out Gin as the site of Naruto's mini harem was too much for him and he shot back with a nosebleed that launched him into the changing room. With a poof of smoke the mini harem vanished and Naruto chuckled at the screams of pain now echoing throughout the hallway.

"Oh my! That was truly remarkable!" a feminine voice called out.

'Bingo!' thought Naruto as he turned to face a woman with braided hair covered by a bandanna and paint stained clothing. "Huh?"

"That technique of yours is truly a magnificent piece of art! Such beauty is astounding!" she exclaimed.

"Thank you?" he responded with a clueless tone.

"Yes no doubt, you've put in much research to create such a flawless visage of beauty! You must let me capture it!" she pleaded.

"Capture it?" he asked looking for clarification.

"Yes, I would like you to model for me. I must immortalize your art and add it to my collection!" she stated as she hooked an arm around his and dragged him into her classroom, not intending to take no for answer.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

The next day after class Naruto and Moka had almost reached the dorms before he remembered his little arrangement with Ishigami-sensei from the previous day.

"Later Moka, I'll see you tomorrow." said Naruto as he turned to head back towards the school.

"Wait! Where are you going? We're almost back at the dorms." asked Moka.

"Sorry, I've got somewhere I need to be. I'm doing a favor for someone." he replied.

"A favor?" she responded, wanting him to elaborate.

"Yeah, the art teacher asked me if I could model for her for a picture she's painting. I'll be doing it everyday after school this week." he explained.

She let out a sigh in disappointment, "Oh..."

"Don't worry, I'll still be working hard on the investigation for the club. It is my job after all." he responded trying to cheer her up.

The light bulb suddenly went of in her head, "Oh yeah! That's what why you stayed behind to ask Gin-sempai more questions!"

"Yeah, well I better get going." he said as he turned away.

"Wait, Naruto?" Moka called out.

"Yeah?" he responded turning around.

"Could you let me suck your blood? This will be goodbye for a while after today...I'll be lonely." she asked with a shy pout.

He simply couldn't resist her cute face, "Yeah, go ahead."

Suddenly she moved in close to him, her face right in front of his, "Oh, Naruto..."

"Moka..." murmured Naruto, tantalized by her face being so close to his.

"Thanks for the treat!" she exclaimed before clamping down on his neck.

'Damn it! I fall for it every time!' Naruto thought in exasperation.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Ishigami definitely confirmed Gin's preconceived notions about her. The woman was the lesbian version of Jiraiya. The minute he entered her classroom he was ordered to parade around in the clothed version of the sexy no jutsu at minimum. Somehow the female students in her classes didn't pick up in this vibe from her, as they flocked to the woman as if she were the pied piper of teenage girls. After spending a few days with the woman he still had no leads on what was happening to the missing girls. He figured she was taking them somewhere, but the woman spent nearly all her time with her beloved art. While his investigation was going nowhere, at the newspaper club Kurumu was becoming frustrated with him spending all his time with Ishigami. Moka and Yukari dismissed her concerns without much thought.

"I tell you that woman is up to something! She's after Naruto-kun!" bellowed Kurumu as she slammed her fists on the desk she was working at.

"But she's a teacher, she wouldn't go after student." stated Moka.

"Then why is Naruto the only boy she associates with outside of class? All her other favorite students are girls!" countered Kurumu.

Yukari waved of her concerns, "Naruto-sempai can handle himself from the feminine charm of some baa-chan."

"That woman can't be trusted! She might try to put him under some spell!" yelled Kurumu.

"You would know about that..." replied Yukari off-offhandedly.

"Fine! Who needs you guys anyway! I'll handle that bitch myself!" roared Kurumu as she stormed off.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"Excuse me! I need to talk to Naruto-kun!" exclaimed Kurumu as she slammed the door to the art classroom open. She looked around to find the classroom completely empty. "What! No one's even here! I guess I'll just take a seat and wait for him then."

She moved to take a seat near the back of the room, when she heard a sobbing sound coming from behind her. She turned around, but all she found was a locker.

'Is it coming from in here?' she thought while approaching. As she stepped in front of the locker the crying sound was even louder and she opened it to come face to face with a statue that seemed to be leaking tears.

"AHH!" she shrieked stunned. "What the heck is a statue doing crying! And why something like this in a locker...and that girl looks familiar..."

Kurumu nearly screamed again when someone grabbed her from behind. "What are you doing to my art?" a venomous voice questioned.

Kurumu turned to face the furious face of the woman she'd been seeking out, "Ishigami-sensei? I'm sorry I barged in looking..."

"Hm..." suddenly her entire countenance changed to a much more pleasant one. "You are Kurumu from class five?"

'Is she bipolar? Before she looked like she wanted to kill me!' thought a puzzled Kurumu as she nodded.

"So you came to pick up Naruto-san? I'm sorry but he's too busy modeling to spend time with you." stated Ishigami.

"Why can't he.." Kurumu began to question why Naruto couldn't leave only to be cut off by Ishigami.

"Why you ask.." started Ishigami only to be cut off by the arrival of Naruto.

"I'm back sensei. Oh hey Kurumu! Why are you here?" asked Naruto.

Naruto marched in only wearing a wife beater t-shirt, which threw the blue haired girl for a loop as she drooled at the sight. "Well you see..."

"Oh I get it. I know haven't been around so much, but I'm almost done working on Ishigami-sensei's special project." stated Naruto.

"Oh!" Kurumu suddenly snapped out it remembering why she was there.

"Don't worry, I'll be around more soon!" promised Naruto.

"Wai-" began Kurumu only to be cut off again by Ishigami.

"Okay! Bye-bye!" exclaimed Ishigami as she shoved the girl out the room and closed the door.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"Odd...There appears to be a bad aura around Naruto-kun. Maybe the cow was right..." mumbled Yukari as she stared into the cloudy crystal ball on her desk.

"Right about what? What are you doing?" asked Moka.

"Divination! My fortune telling prowess is unparalleled! Perhaps I could take this even further, if that no talent hack Aunt Cleo can get a such recognition I should be world renown hit in no time! In mere months I could have world dependent upon my fortune telling...Naruto are you pondering what I'm pondering..." she rambled.

"Naruto-kun isn't here." deadpanned Moka.

"Curse that Art-shrew! No one takes my henchman!" yelled Yukari.

"So now you're worried." deadpanned Kurumu as she walked back into the newspaper club.

"Hey! Another girl has gone missing! She hasn't been seen since yesterday.. hey!" yelled Gin as he rushed in, but Kurumu snatched the photo from him.

'This girl! She's the one I saw in the Art classroom locker...' Kurumu flung the photo back to Gin. "I just saw that girl, only she was a statue hidden in the art classroom."

'Oh hell no bitch!' was the collective thought of Kurumu, Moka, and Yukari as they stormed off to the art classroom.

"I should have told them that by the time they get there it will probably be over, but I'd like to retain my manhood..." commented Gin as he idly flipped through the last issue of the newspaper.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

After Kurumu left the room, Ishigami started acting strange. Naruto decided to call her on it, to see if she would reveal her operation.

"What's going on here..." began Naruto only to be cut of by Ishigami.

"You little girlfriend saw a bit to much, so I'm going to have to cut our time short. So why don't you do your little transformation, and I'll make sure the turning is as painless as possible." ordered the art teacher.

Naruto let out a sigh, "I was hoping you'd reveal the location of the students you've been kidnapping before it came to this..."

"Too bad! It will be an honor for you to join the ranks of my eternal art collection. I shall immortalize your greatest beauty forever. Maybe you need a little incentive..." one of her snake-head braids clamped around his wrists but Naruto instantly vanished in a puff of smoke. Suddenly three desks in the back of the room went up in a poof of smoke to reveal Naruto and a pair of clones.

"I've had it with you! You go on and on about immortalizing images and eternal beauty, I say fuck that! I've only ever respected one artist and you know what he told me?" he pulled an explosive tag out of his pocket and slammed it on the desk in front of him before kicking it to the back of the room.

"ART IS A BANG!" he yelled as the tag went off destroying glass case containing several pieces of art as well as putting a hole in the wall.

"UN!" grunted one clone.

"Yeah Boss! Show her the power of your pop-art!" exclaimed the other.

"Pop-art is dead! My art is super-flat!" bellowed Naruto.

"My art..." mumbled a trembling Ishigami as she looked up suddenly and roared in a fit of rage, "MY ART!"

"Maybe that wasn't such a good idea!" nervously commented a clone. The braided hairs of Ishigami transformed into a wriggling mass of snakes, as she revealed herself to be a Medusa. She leveled the blond with a glare before the snakes attacked.

"I fucking hate snakes!" yelled Naruto as he back flipped to dodge being bitten. 'This place is small and makes it hard to maneuver, she's got the advantage!'

"You will pay for wrecking MY ART!" screeched Ishigami as the snakes became even more vicious. One coiled around a desk and slammed it into the real Naruto sending him flying into a wall which suddenly caved in revealing a secret room.

"What the hell is this?" as Naruto looked at the statues around the room, he noticed they all had tears pouring form their eyes. "This is what you've done...I can't decid if it's better or worse from what I initially suspected."

"Yes! Can't you see it now! All of my precious art! It's the Medusa power of transformation into stone. Any living being bitten by one of my snake hairs will turn into stone! Soon you shall be joining my collection!" screamed Ishigami as she sent her snakes at Naruto again.

'Fuck that shit!' thought Naruto as he substituted himself with a chair that brought him back into the main classroom. As Ishigami and her snakes rounded in on him, his remaining clone sent a kunai skidding across the floor to his feet.

"I told you, there is only one true thing about art..." Naruto kicked the the kunai up in the air with one leg and then drop kicked with the other. The knife flew and stabbed into the ceiling right above her head. The snake woman heard a fizzing sound and looked up in horror. "ART IS BANG!" The explosive tag on the edge of the kunai went off, bringing the ceiling down on top of the woman.

"UN!" grunted the last clone as he pumped his fist before dispelling. The original turned towards the door to see Kurumu, Yukari, and Moka standing there with stunned looks on their faces.

"I guess I got a little carried away..." he mumbled while scratching his hair with a sheepish grin.

X-X-X-X-X-X

Naruto slammed open the door of the headmaster's office to find said man in some sort of meeting with the creepy bus drive and two guys he didn't recognize. The first had pale blond hair and sported a black and white striped bucket hat with an odd umbrella in his hand and some wooden sandals. The other was a tall, muscular, lightly tan-skinned man. His hair was corn-rolled and he sported a large handlebar mustache with a pair of rectangular-shaped glasses.

"Ah, Naruto! Is there something I can do for you?" greeted the Headmaster.

"Just one question." answered Naruto.

"Hmm?" was the headmaster's reply.

"Do you bother doing background checks on faculty?" Naruto snapped his fingers and a clone dragged the unconscious Ishigami into the room. "After I knocked this crazy bitch out, the students she turned to stone went back to normal.

"Ah, I see...Well done Naruto! Looks like you've ferreted out another who wished to do harm to the students of our fine academy!" exclaimed the headmaster.

Naruto stomped his foot in irritation, "First: I'm not a ferret! Second: What's with the creepy old dude convention? Third: What ever your are scheming, I want no part of it."

"Oh he's good. Little brother made an excellent find indeed." giggled the man in the bucket hat.

"Little brother?" questioned a confused Naruto.

"Naruto meek Kisuke Urahara, head of Spirit World Research and Development, owner of Urahara Shoten and also the elder brother of Koenma." informed the Headmaster.

The other unknown man coughed.

"And that is Tessai, he makes sure Urahara doesn't blow himself up." continued the headmaster.

"Hey!" yelled an indignant Urahara.

Naruto stared at them with a deadpan expression, "Cool hat."

"No way!" grumbled the bus driver as he slipped Urahara a twenty.

"Now, this weekend Urahara wanted to borrow you for a little side job." stated the Headmaster.

"No." stated Naruto flat out.

"But if you could.."

"Niet."

"I'm sure we-"

"Nine."

"Come on-"

"What Orochimaru says to a naked hot chick."

"I'll give you a really cool new ability." stated Urahara.

"Deal." agreed Naruto.

"You've got to be kidding me!" exclaimed the bus driver as he slipped Urahara another twenty.

"I'll do the job on two more conditions. One I get a hat just like that except in black and orange," demanded Naruto as he pointed at Kisuke's hat.

"Done!" agreed Kisuke with a grin as the bus driver cursed and slipped him another twenty.

"And the second..." inquired the headmaster.

"You will tell me what the hell happened to Dave Chapelle! I was recently introduced into the wonderful world of Chapelle Show via DVD and it is by far the funniest thing in the history of everything!" bellowed Naruto. "Then I saw the lost episodes..." Naruto and everyone else in the room visibly shivered. "Spirit World ain't doing their jobs if they allow such a travesty to occur..."

A look of panic briefly passed between Kisuke and the Headmaster that didn't go unnoticed by Naruto.

"So you do know..." suddenly the blond loomed over them with a demonic edge to his voice. "Now are you going to tell me? Or is Naruto Uzumaki gonna have to choke a bitch?"

A/N: Ahh! Urahara! Don't anticipate any more Bleach in this story besides Urahara. No Zanpaktou or anything like that will show up. Naruto's needs a mentor/trainer of some sorts, since Yusuke gets Genkai. Picking a Hokage from Spirit World was too boring, so bam! It's Urahara! That guy is awesome! Naruto being some unknown ninja/demon hybrid, Urahara fits as a guy to help him develop his powers. I'm going to skip over some of the boring crap in the manga where the group took on random weakling monsters. After getting acquainted with Urahara and company, Kuyou and his thugs will come calling followed by the Saint Beasts. So expect plenty of good action for the next 4-5 chapters. Now please review, or is Naruto going to have to choke some more bitches...