Come What May
Kurt sat in silence, glancing up at the therapist. Her name was Dr. Livingston. She was a pretty blonde woman a little older than Kurt, which surprised him.
He'd been sitting on this couch for about ten minutes now, hands folded, silent. "I'm not sure what to do, here," he admitted. She smiled a little.
"It's okay," she said. "Was there anything you wanted to talk about?"
"Not really. Honestly, I'd just like to forget about this whole thing."
Her pleasant smile stayed. "Can I give you some advice about how to do that?" She asked gently. He nodded. "Talk about it." He winced. "I know, I know how it sounds, but trust me, it helps."
"I haven't even told Blaine everything that happened. I've hardly told him anything about it, actually…Let alone a stranger."
"I know, but it might be better to tell someone you don't really know. You haven't told Blaine because you don't want to hurt him, right?" He nodded.
"I don't think you want to know either," he muttered.
"I want to help you, Kurt," she said. "And I really think that you should talk about this to someone."
"What do you want me to say?" He asked, exasperated.
"Just start at the beginning."
The dam that had been holding all of Kurt's memories, thoughts and somehow more tears broke.
He told this woman everything that had been done to him, everything Roland had said, everything he felt, everything he thought and every ounce of guilt that he had.
"…and none of this is fair to Blaine!" He sobbed. "It's not fair! That, that bastard came in and ruined my life, our lives and that's not Blaine's fault! I can't kiss my own husband, he has to ask to touch me and the idea of us making love again terrifies me! And-and…God, it's NOT FAIR!"
She waited a moment before moving. She let his sobs die down, letting him calm himself down. She leaned forward, offering him a tissue. He took it as she patted his shoulder. "Do you feel better?" She asked gently.
He did. He felt like a weight had been taken from his usually lead-lined stomach. He took a deep breath, letting his tears run dry. By comparison, he felt great. "Yes," he said, looking at her. "Yes, I feel much better."
She smiled a little. "See?" He sat back, taking a deep breath to better compose himself. "Now, Kurt, this next step is up to you. You are in control of how this effects you. You get to put this out of your mind and never think about it again. But first, you have to understand that you're only a victim if you feel like one. If you tell yourself that you're not gonna let this keep you from Blaine." He nodded, sniffing.
"I can do that," he whispered. He stood, taking his coat. "Thank you, Dr. Livingston. And, um, feel free to tell Blaine any of that. I don't mind." She nodded.
"I'll keep that in mind."
"I just don't know what to do," Blaine admitted. "I don't know how to help him."
"Blaine, Kurt is…Kurt's not as fragile as you think he is. He may not seem like it sometimes, but he can."
"He's so strong," he said quietly, closing his eyes. "He so much stronger than I am…"
"Exactly. Which is why he needs nothing more than your face every day. Blaine, you're miserable. You're exhausted. You look like you're going to fall over any second now."
"I'm in the middle of a show," he offered.
"Yes, and you're using whatever energy you have left to make sure Kurt's okay. That Kurt is sleeping well, that Kurt is comfortable, that Kurt isn't scared and that's wonderful. But Kurt is gonna be just fine. He has everything he needs to get better, including you. And what you need to do is start worrying about what you need."
Blaine's head was bowed, hands folded. She put her hand on his knee. "I know how much you want to help him. I know how much you love him, Blaine. It's amazing how loving and caring and passionate about him you are. You will put those you love first no matter what, you always come last. But Blaine, the people who love you, especially Kurt, will be there to help you too. I know it's hard, but you have to try, okay?"
"What do you want me to do?" He asked quietly.
"I want you to stop bottling the emotions you have about this situation. You're keeping them in for Kurt. You feel he's been through enough and you have to be strong for him. Kurt did need that at one point, but now he needs to know that it's still okay to be scared. He needs to know that you're scared too, that you still need to cry about it the same way he does. He needs to know he's not alone."
Blaine closed his eyes. "You think I need to cry?"
"I do," she nodded. "I think you need to, and I think Kurt needs to see it."
"What?" He blanched. "No! No, I can't do that to him. That'll hurt him more than-"
"Blaine, Kurt feels alienated in his feelings. He needs to know that it's still okay to cry about it, that he's not alone in wanting to. And you…you just need to know someone supports you just as much as you support them."
He stared at his hands, breathing slowly. "He told you everything he did, didn't he?" He said softly.
"Yes."
"Can you tell me anything?" He whispered.
"Kurt gave me permission to tell you everything you want to know," she said. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
She told him only what he asked about, only in detail when he pressed further. Blaine swallowed hard, blinking rapidly, when she stopped.
He could practically hear Kurt crying, feel him trembling, naked and cold, sweating and so, so scared.
"That's why he…" He couldn't finish the sentence.
About two weeks ago, Blaine came up behind Kurt in the bathroom, playfully covering his eyes.
"NO!" Kurt had screamed, jerking away from him and into the wall. He's trembled against it, facing away from him. "Don't do that," he squeaked. "Please, Blaine, don't do that again."
He understood now.
"I'll do my best to take your advice, Dr. Livingston," he agreed, standing. "But I really need to see my husband right now."
She smiled. "Thank you for your time. I'll see you next week."
Kurt looked up when Blaine stepped out, getting up. He wrapped his arms around him, kissing him.
"I love you," he said. Kurt squeezed back.
"I love you too." He took a breath, swallowing. "He can't touch me. He can't touch us, or what we have." Blaine's eyes misted at his words. He kissed him again.
"Let's go home."
Stark naked, tied spread-eagle to the desk, blindfolded and trembling.
"Please!" An unsteady whimper escaped his throat. "Please, no, don't do this, please. T-take it off!" Hands on the inside of his legs. Another soft whimper.
So humiliated, unable to move from this compromising position. "Bl-Blaine." A violent backhand to his already pinked cheeks. The blindfold was being soaked with tears, and it was only getting wetter as the seconds passed.
"I told you not to say that name!" The monster holding him here growled. He turned away, crying. "You feel more like this, don't you?" He whispered, horrible mouth directly beside his ear, hand touching his most private areas.
"No! Blaine!" Another awful crack across his cheek.
"Fine. You want it that way? I'll make it that way."
"Wait! No!" Touching, pinching, probing. Screaming, crying, shaking. And then the monster penetrated him. "BLAINE!"
He writhed and squirmed but gained nothing, sobbing.
"Say my name," he growled. "Say it!"
"No! I want Blaine! I want BLAINE!" The monster grabbed Kurt's briefs off the floor, stuffing them in his mouth to keep him quiet. No matter how many times he screamed for his Blaine, no one came.
When Roland was finished he cut the rope free, leaving Kurt to untie himself. Kurt yanked the underwear out of his mouth, sitting up and covering himself. Roland grabbed his shoulders from behind, hissing in his ear. "Blaine can't save you. Stop saying his fucking name. Your job is to let me fuck you without any resistance. You say it again and I'll beat you until you can't move anymore."
"I love my husband," he said harshly. "If you don't like it, then you can go fuck yourself."
He did beat him. He beat him so severely he couldn't move. Not for a long time. He spent over an hour covering the bruises that could be seen.
"Blaine! Blaine, wake up!" Kurt said, shaking his shoulder and holding his cheek. "Wake up, honey!"
"Kurt, no…" He cried. "No, please. Leave him alone!"
"BLAINE!"
He sat up into Kurt's arms, leaning against him, sobbing. "It's okay, it's okay, Blaine. I've got you, shh…"
"I wasn't there for you," he sniffled. "I wasn't there and I…I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry I wasn't there when he did those things to you. God he…he tied you to that desk, and the blindfold, I- Oh, god, Kurt, I'm so sorry!"
"Shh, shh…" He soothed, tears in his own eyes. Blaine was sobbing, hard, for the first time in months, and the first time ever in front of Kurt. "Shh, it's okay, baby. It's alright."
"God, how did I not see it? How didn't I see what he was doing to you?"
"Blaine, you can't do this to yourself. It's not your fault, okay?" They held each other's faces. Blaine kissed him, running his fingers through his hair. "Shh…"
"Kurt, I-"
"Shh, hey, hey, listen to me," he said softly. "Just let it out, baby. Let it out."
Blaine cried, hard, for a long time. He stayed in Kurt's arms, against his chest, and it didn't take long for him to cry with him.
They fell asleep around dawn, holding each other tight, hoping tomorrow might just be a little better.