Date written: 15/05/10 – 12/06/10

Posted on FanFiction: 13/06/10

A/N: I'm a lazy researcher, so there may be mistakes I've made in the general psychological profile of children around the age of five. You've got to admit, children are social creatures but rarely are there ones who do not go a day without thinking about themselves and their own welfare. Call it childish narcissism, if you will; I sure do.

Canon Kushina's history threw me in for a loop. It would've been nice to use her background for some level of canon-truth in this fanfic, but my muse planned too far ahead and deemed that changing my version of Kushina's history would be a grievous error. Don't like it? Tell that to the a hundred other fanfic authors who wrote their own history of the Bloody Habanero before you complain to me, buster.

- CHAPTER 2 -

The Daily Grind Inside Naruto's Mind

Naruto Uzumaki was any normal five-year-old kid with the thirst for attention. He wasn't completely normal, though. Despite having one of the fiercest tailed beasts that was known to represent human hatred and malice sealed inside him (he was unaware of this fact), there was something else about him that differentiated him from normalcy. He functioned normally and made a few acquaintances even with his weak constitution and slightly introverted personality and had enough life in him to live through at least his young adult years, but something universal had happened to him inside that operating room when he was close to succumbing to death after the fatal number Mizuki had done to him. In a nutshell, he was saved from death because of a fluke.

His blond counterpart, now resting peacefully inside the kid's inner mindscape along with the bored talking sheep, had come to him moments after his heart stopped beating. Neither knew anything about this (but the older Naruto would most likely piece together a close-to-the-truth theory on what the Rikudou Sennin's 'suicide' jutsu actually does to the user) but their worlds were not the only ones in existence. A macroverse exists beyond what their minds can comprehend, places in the void which bridges these infinite number of worlds to create a giant web of intertwined universes. Each and every one tells of a story that can be different and the same without being contradictory; it is the way of the macroverse, and so it is willed. What the blond Naruto failed to realize when he studied and mastered the suicide jutsu was that the Rikudou Sennin never used it. It never occurred to him that maybe it was coined a 'suicide' jutsu because the user would die in their universe, in some sense of the word, but happen to wake up in an all new different one. If the Rikudou Sennin had done this, he might've transported his whole body to a new universe, but since it was Naruto, who housed only the Kyuubi rather than the Juubi, the process was incomplete. The consequence of such a half-assed action, regardless if he had no idea what it would do, led Naruto to a more troublesome predicament: his body didn't come with him. And since his soul needed a body to anchor him into the new universe he traversed into, the first place it looked for was Naruto's counterpart. And the rest was history, you could say.

The redheaded Naruto had no idea that the dream he had before waking up in the hospital was his first ever trip into his mindscape. There were a few times where he dreamed of the Kyuubi and its enchanting voice directing him towards those huge gates with the paper pasted in the middle, although never reaching that close before. But they were soon forgotten once he had come out of the fog of sleep, along with the other nightmares his subconscious deemed too terrifying to be remembered—like a world with no ramen!

In the meantime, he was enjoying a bowl of the only meal he'd want to finish, broth included, if he could. It was like his stomach didn't want to digest more than what Naruto needed to barely survive without dying of starvation. He didn't get enough nutrients these past years to fill up his frame, and he was around three or four inches shorter than the rest of his age-mates. His maternal grandmother—God bless her soul—would've cried out, "Oh my, grandson! You're so thin. Nothing but skin and bones," if she had seen him now.

And today was turning out to be the oddest day of his life. He had just gotten through half of his own bowl of tonkatsu ramen (which is quite a heavy order, according to Teuchi-ooji-san) and he was craving for more. The savory taste of the deep-fried pork mixing together with the noodle and broth was so much like heaven that Naruto almost believed that he was already there. His mother eyed him in the same watchful manner whenever they ate out in Ichiraku, but there was something in her gaze that seemed, to him, more intense than just watching over the amount he ate.

"What's wrong, Mom?" he asked, after eating the last bit of tonkatsu in his order.

"Heh?" Her gray eyes lost their intensity and reverted to how he always saw them. She cleared her throat. "No, nothing at all. I'm just . . . amazed how much you're eating today."

Naruto shrugged. "I'm just really hungry."

"But never like this before."

He made a noncommittal reply and wolfed down the broth and noodles. With the bowl empty and his stomach full (partially, anyway, but he was too shy to ask for another serving), he breathed in deeply, clasped his hands together, and thanked for the meal.

After paying, the mother and son went on their way home. They were just passing by the shopping district when Naruto spotted someone familiar staring at a shop's window. The man looked to be thinking deeply, not minding the woman, who was tapping her foot while staring at the sky, standing next to him. Curious, Naruto tugged his mother's hand.

"Yes, Naruto-chan?"

"Can we go to that shop?" he asked, pointing at said shop.

His mother took one look at where he pointed and immediately blanched. "Wh—why do you want to go there?"

"I think I saw Kakashi-nii-chan there."

From blanching to menacing, though it was not directed to the boy holding her hand, Kushina looked back at the small shop noticeable only by the large slogan sign attached to its roof: Erotica Café. "I see . . ."

"Hmm? Is Nii-chan in trouble again?"

Kushina considered it, but shook her head in the end. "He's an adult now, Naruto-chan, therefore he's free to make his own decisions."

". . . Will I be like that when I grow up?"

"Gah!" She knelt down, grabbed both of his shoulders, and tamed him with a hardened stare. "You will not grow up like Kakashi. Am I clear, Naruto?"

"Ye-ye-ye-yes, Mom," he said. "You're scaring me."

"Sorry about that." She stood back up. "But it's for your own good. With male role models like Kakashi and Jiraiya-sama, I have a right to be worried about your upbringing."

"Huh?"

"Just . . . promise me you won't grow up like either of them."

"I don't really get it, but okay, Mom, I promise." He smiled at her, to which she smiled back. They then continued their trek back home. And as they passed the shop, Naruto took a glimpse at the woman beside Kakashi. She was small, barely reaching Kakashi's ear level, and her black hair seemed to glisten in the sun like an onyx jewel. The afternoon crowd didn't give Naruto a good view of the two except for their heads, which he could tell right away which was Kakashi. Just follow the silver, gravity-defying hair. Naruto wanted to go and at least greet Kakashi today, but his mother didn't seem to like going near the shop Kakashi was checking out. With unanswered questions inside a five-year-old boy's head, a boy who had the most curious mind in his age group, he turned to his mother for the asking part.

"Something only adults are allowed to know," was her crisp answer, clearly uncomfortable of being asked such a question. Naruto, although young and inexperienced about a lot of things, understood when his mother didn't want to elaborate over a certain topic. It was like a subtle signal she often projected unconsciously whenever conversations turned to what he dubbed 'The Adult Stuff.' As such, he didn't press for any more, even when he was still wondering why Kakashi was in front of that shop. He'd just ask the jounin later, away from Mom's hearing.

But what Naruto did not expect was for his mother to come to Kakashi first before he could ask him anything. The woman might've retired from active duty as a ninja, but she was still known as the most badass kunoichi in Konoha. Sadly, the nature of what Kushina did to Kakashi behind closed doors shall forever remain a great, big mystery. One thing was for sure, though: when Naruto finally got the chance to ask the white-haired ninja about that without having his mother's acute ears listening in, his response was, "Something only adults are allowed to know."

Naruto groaned.

"Mutton?"

"No."

"Lamb?"

"No."

"Lamb chops?"

"No."

"Mighty Meaty Mutton?"

"No."

"We'll make it 3M for short, then."

"Still no."

"Uhm . . . Sheepie?"

"For the last goddam time, no! And you've suggested that name nineteen times already."

"Really?"

"Really."

Naruto smiled. "Glad you agree. Your new name is 'Really.'"

"What? No! I didn't mean it that way."

"Now that that's out of the way—"

"I'm still not satisfied with my new name!"

Naruto sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "We've been at this for eight hours now—"

"Ten minutes, actually."

"—and I know that you're eager to have your own sense of identity—"

"I want to name myself, for a change."

"—but rushing this time-consuming task will only lead to a name you will not respect, along with the people—"

"What people? We're in a freakin' mindscape!"

"—who should be treated with respect," he finished.

The sheep snorted; an odd sound, coming from its mouth. "Wait. You're referring to yourself about the people and respect thing?"

He nodded.

The sheep laughed. At least Naruto thought so. His laugh sounded too much like, "Baahaabaahaabaahaabaahaa!"

"I'm happy you find this amusing," Naruto said with a roll of his eyes. "Really."

The newly christened Really—whose previous official names happened to be Sheepie, Ramstein, Dewey, and Lambi—stopped his absurd laughter. ". . . I think I like Ramstein better."

"Really?"

"You know my new name is going to get confusing. I mean, how do I know you're calling me instead of just asking someone 'Really'?"

"Huh. Never thought of that. But you gotta admit, it has this double meaning cut down for it. 'Hello, I'm Really, a sheep.'"

Really stared at him. "Dude. You so suck at pun jokes."

Naruto chuckled and puffed out his chest. "I'm glad you think so."

"Is that something to be proud of at all?"

"Anyway, let's move on to more pressing matters."

Really sighed. "Okay. But we will get back to my name."

"How's the kid doing while I was asleep?"

"Better than when you're awake."

"I hope you mean were awake. I don't like the implication in that sentence."

"Yeah, yeah. He got released from the hospital and everything. What are you planning on doing?"

"When he goes to sleep, I'll go and have a talk with him. You know, settle the predicament I've gotten myself into."

"And what about me?"

"You . . ." He paused, pondering what to say. "You just stand in a corner and act natural."

"Oh. By eating grass or your carpet?" the sheep asked sarcastically. It seemed to be doing a better job at jokes because Naruto ended up laughing out loud.

You see, Naruto, after waking from his nap, had decided to redecorate his whole apartment since he was sure there was no way back for him to his old world. Better to make the most out of the situation, and he had adapted to it in hours when even the most adaptable person would rather first grasp the fact that he died and was now living inside the mindscape of a five-year-old, red-haired version of himself—which would take days—before thinking about interior designing. Naruto was already considered a man that was off his rockers when he believed that Bahalana, the Ramen God, actually exists, going so far as to proclaim himself as the first blond prophet. He didn't start any kind of new religion, though, further believing that Bahalana could do that himself; all what Naruto had to offer was his faith and a wide consumption of the heavenly (but unhealthy) noodles. Interestingly enough, he was able to convince Ayame and Teuchi about it, and they were then christened as the second and third disciples of Bahalana. The others . . . just steered clear of them whenever Naruto started his five minute sermons in-between servings of ramen bowls.

But his religion was beyond the point. What really irked Really was whatever that was left of Naruto's sanity was not enough to make him rethink the oddities he had added to the apartment. It was quite annoying. Not only because he reimagined the white walls to become a lighter orange, the cupboards in the kitchen be filled with nothing but instant ramen cups, and created two adjacent rooms where one led to a small library and the other was nothing more than a secret room ("A lair—I mean, base of operations—can't be complete without a secret room," was Naruto's explanation), but because he covered the whole apartment floor in a green-colored carpet that had a distinct illusion of looking so much like grass. Just the mere sight of it made Really hungry, and Really once tried to eat it and ended up with a case of indigestion. Really made a mess. But with a simple banishment thought from Naruto, the trash was disposed of. Including Really's dignity, though it was already gone before the trash banishment.

"That was the first time I've ever seen a sheep barf out grass," Naruto said after controlling the urge to laugh a few minutes more. "And shit it at the same time." Stating the obvious out loud was probably a bad idea, because Naruto lost control and continued the tirade of humor-filled HAHAs while Really just stood there, forced to wait for Naruto to regain control.

"Aaaah, I haven't laughed that hard in a long while."

"Are you done yet?" Really didn't understand the humor; vomiting and shitting at the same time should be regarded as something disgusting, right?

"Am now," he replied, grinning as if there were still some laughter left in him. He moved towards the other side of the room, where his bed, now sporting the softest mattress he had ever imagined, was. He leapt, landed on the side of the mattress, and bounced a few times. The softness was almost unreal, as if he were floating on air. "How I love the limitless possibilities in mindscapes."

"While you're in that top-of-the-world train of thought, how about making a few ewes for companionship?"

"Don't want to get distracted. Many things to do, many things to do."

"Crud," Really murmured. It was hoping for some in-heat mating; it hadn't tasted a fine specimen of female sheep since it was conjured inside this mindscape. And the sole ewe inthe fifty-nine sheep the human had conjured hours ago was long gone.

"What things are you talking about anyway?" Really asked.

Naruto shrugged. "Nothing specific, for the moment, except for one. It'd be undoubtedly boring if I don't get involved in my counterpart's life and help him to survive. That last attempt on his life was a very close call; I don't want that to happen again."

"What do you have in mind?"

"The purpose of the older generation is to pass down their knowledge to the next one," Naruto said sagely, although in truth he heard that from the Sandaime in one of the many speeches he had been forced to listen to back during his Academy and early genin days. That one quote stood out among the others because Naruto found it to be the most ironic thing he had ever heard; he believed that he was exempted from that saying, which often disheartened him. But in this case, he wasn't about to do to others what bad things others had done to him. It wasn't in Naruto's nature.

"All of your knowledge?" Really asked, which seemed to have a slight inclusion of wariness, as if it believed that the blond would do more harm than good to the boy's development.

Naruto, not backing down, glared defiantly at the sheep. "Yeah. What of it?"

"And do you have a specific training schedule in mind?" It was almost afraid to ask that.

He tried to retort, but he closed his mouth with an audible click made by his clashing teeth. The truth of the matter was that he hadn't thought about the training regimen yet. He would need to ponder over this quickly.

"Guess not," the sheep murmured, turning away from him. It seemed to have found something else to bide its time because Really started staring out the window. "The kid's asleep. And dreaming."

"You sure?"

The sheep didn't reply, just gestured its head towards the window. Naruto got off the bed, went where Really was, and validated Really's claim with his own eyes. He had stared out this window a few times back in his old world, and he already had a distinct picture of what he expected to see despite knowing his current situation. This was a con in his attempt to create a place of solitude for him to think; sometimes he began to brush off the harsh grip of reality and see what he only wanted to see. This time, however, the subconscious phenomenon did not disillusion the image beyond the window.

What Naruto was looking at was the dream his counterpart was currently dreaming. It pictured the Ninja Academy and chibi-Naruto was sitting inside a classroom, a redhead blending in with the distorted faces of generic classmates, and listening to the teacher as he discussed the ways on how to be a cool ninja. Ah, typical childhood dreams. Naruto often had these back before and during his Academy days, back when he was naïve enough to believe the villagers' tales of honor and glory of becoming a ninja. He didn't regret becoming one, but did regret that he came to this career out of blind assumptions. There was no honor in stabbing a person in the back because it was the easiest method of assassination; there was no honor in lying, cheating, and stealing to fulfill the objectives given to you; and there was no honor in gloating over a kill you had done. It made you look like a merciless killer, no feeling of remorse or respect to the dead as you glorified your own accomplishments. Regardless if it was an enemy ninja you had killed, who's to say that the two rivaling villages would stay enemies forever? What was once your greatest enemy might, in the future, become your most valuable ally. What value would your precious kill be, then? The only honor and glory Naruto had come across in his gritty job was being patriotic to his village and country, protecting it from invaders and conspirers who wish to see its demise.

This Naruto was still wet behind the ears, ignorant of what dirty road lay ahead once he received his hitai-ate. Ninjas don't learn ninjutsu to beat opponents while looking cool in the process; they learn ninjutsu to eradicate their opponents, when conventional means become too difficult or too time-consuming. Looking cool is just coincidental. Kids, mostly boys, have this unconscious gratification of violence, not because they are violent in nature, but because they take the initiative to reach the top of the social standings. By being part of the top, you're already considered cool. It's a part of human nature, and Naruto had to wrestle around, try to survive at the bottom during his childhood. Dominion is a powerful tool when handled wisely, but for kids in chibi-Naruto's age group, dominion over others does not come from wise words or political maneuvering (aka, slithering through the ranks), but by sheer force. Violence is not the key; it's the plan of action and general opinion of the population. In this case, what traits the kids believe to be cool. The concept of death, the concept of actually killing another human being, does not cross their minds. They look at the light, but never the dark. Eventually they will, but not at this age.

Standing behind that window, looking out at the child he must've once been like before reality finally settled into his hardened soul, he couldn't help but envy his counterpart. The kid could play ignorant for a few more years while Naruto had to keep the hard truth of life next to his heart, lest it got out of control and became the seed of wanton madness. God knew how many ninja who couldn't take the pressure of the shinobi way, how they were like deep-sea fish trying to rise towards the surface, to get away from the choking feeling of everything squeezing them with every last sweat and tear left in their battered bodies, only to reach a certain point and explode due to their bodies unaccustomed to the depressurization. A ninja lives a tough life; it'll forever be a part of you even when you turn away from duty.

"Will you be talking to him?" Really asked.

Naruto considered it a bit, but ultimately shook his head. "It's too soon, I guess. I still need to plan this out."

Ignorant to the guests inside his mindscape, chibi-Naruto dreamed on.

Hiruzen Sarutobi closed the folder with a heavy sigh. Reading the report on Naruto's near death experience seemed to have aged him at least five years. He was sixty-one years old and felt twenty years older than that. Five years ago, he had been preparing for a long-term vacation from the hectic duties his position had done to him over the last year of his tenure before he passed on the torch to Minato Namikaze. It didn't come to fruition for another three years, but Hiruzen often indulged in delayed gratification, so he didn't mind the wait. It would've been much more fun if his wife could accompany him, but, pondering over it in hindsight, maybe it was better that she was no longer amongst the living because Hiruzen was certain she would have razed a good portion of Konoha when he cancelled the appointment. With the Kyuubi's attack, the sacrifice of his successor, and Hiruzen's subsequent reinstatement of the title he had retired from three years previous, Konoha had gone into disarray that a planned vacation became as important as a dirty box in the attic. His village needed his guidance once more when the bright fire of the famed Yondaime had been put out long before his time. It pained Hiruzen's heart to bury the younger generation when it should be the other way around.

He did what he could to reclaim order into the chaos brought on by the Kyuubi's attack, which left behind scorched buildings, ruined businesses, and over a hundred homeless people, five dozen of which were now orphans. Still, Konoha, even with all its fame in the history books as a very successful country brimmed with nobles and riches, could not accommodate all its resources to helping these now-homeless people out. Apart from supplying a roof over their heads in the unused evacuation shelters and a rationed amount of food, they had to start fending for themselves to acquire other things. The evacuation shelters were not a part of charity, but mostly considered temporary homes until the homeless people set their priorities straight and get back into the game. It was a little heartless, but Hiruzen had to think of the village as a whole, and with tensions still arising between Konoha, Kiri, and Iwa, he had to build (or rather rebuild) a sturdy defense. The Kyuubi did more than just destroy homes; it nearly eradicated Konoha's ninja forces. Despite his heart screaming to help each and every one of his people—even pitching in his own money to help with their supplies of basic necessities—his hands were tied. The lives of the majority of the village far outweigh the lives of but a few homeless villagers.

Maybe this incident had been the start of the village's hatred. To realize that all that you had—your home, your career, your loved ones, your life—was clawed away from you in one horrible night, it would be a miracle not to exact hate onto the very thing that had cause this tragedy, even if it was by proxy. Hiruzen held faith in the village that they would see Naruto Uzumaki as who he was: a hero, one that was born from another hero's sacrifice. But somewhere deep inside him, he knew that it was only wishful thinking. The reception when he told the masses of the Kyuubi's fate and Naruto's heritage was mixed, which he actually expected, so it didn't come as much of a shock; he was a realist, not an optimist. He dreaded to think if the villagers rallied altogether and brought out all their hate, shouting for the innocent boy's death. None of that happened, thank God, but animosity was probably the next best thing these haters could do other than death threats. It was wise to make that new law where nobody was to tell any younger generation about the true story of the Kyuubi attack. Not even the other hidden villages knew the full extent, only that the Yondaime died and the Kyuubi disappeared. No mention of Minato having an heir.

It would've been a very hard life for Naruto if Kushina hadn't survived his birth. Tsunade had disclosed to him that she had been close, but the world-renowned medic-nin was there to pull her through. Kushina was a headstrong woman and did not take charity whenever it came knocking on her door. He had offered to help her financially when she was barely making enough money to stay above water, but she would have none of it. Hiruzen surmised that she must've grown that way and believed charity to be a form of people showing pity. Though she was headstrong, she did not turn away help when she really needed it.

There were times when Kushina had no choice but to leave Naruto for a few days (her maternity leave days were already used up, the bills were piling up, and the emergency money she and Minato placed in the bank was now depleted, so she had no choice but to accept an A-rank mission), and she entrusted her son's care to probably the most ill-prepared individual for a babysitting job: Kakashi Hatake. A man of fifteen at the time, he had his fair share of D-rank missions where a genin team had to babysit, but this would be the first time Kakashi had to take care of an eight-month old baby on his own. Minato's reports were accurate, all right: the boys let Rin do all the work in those particular missions.

Kakashi had not been thrilled with the job, but he had understood Kushina's tough position and wished for a female comrade to help with the babysitting. While Kushina had begun becoming distrustful to some ninjas, mostly because of paranoia with a slight mix of overprotectiveness, she had agreed to Kakashi's choice. It wasn't Rin, but that female chuunin had the full D-rank experience (meaning she did every variety of D-ranks during her genin days). And for some reason, Hiruzen believed that Kushina also saw the budding puppy love between the two. Their age gap was only one year and they were both teens, still naïve to 'adult' recreation, so maybe this was Kushina's way of pushing Kakashi to get laid. "Good God, he needs it!" she might've shouted, if Hiruzen had asked her this. Or maybe not. He began confusing her personality with the bolder character of that hotheaded tsundere character in one of Jiraiya's Icha Icha short story collections. They seemed so much alike that Hiruzen didn't put it past Jiraiya to model that character with Kushina's old self.

Well, putting these meager thoughts aside, Hiruzen gazed his tired eyes at Tsunade's report again. There were no suggestions of any kind about Naruto needing a mind-healer. While mind-healers often dealt with severe cases of psychological trauma (rape, excess torture sessions, shellshock, horrible battle flashbacks), Naruto might need more than just that. This was the first time an assassination attempt on the boy had almost succeeded. The culprit had to be found and brought to justice, and the easiest way to do so would be to find a memory where that bastard's face was visible. Hiruzen wrote in his memo, "Inoichi – Naruto, Kushina's consent".

A sigh left his mouth. Many things to do, many things to do.

. . . and he still had a whole pile of paperwork needed to be done by the end of the day. Sometimes he wished he let Jiraiya or Tsunade take the mantle rather than him. He had retired from all this pencil pushing for a reason!

Chapter Afterword:

This is a new world, so there are bound to be a lot of differences. So here's a little question: Who's the chuunin who accompanied Kakashi at Erotica Café and babysat Naruto with him? Those who get it right will receive one tidbit fact (which is quite important, since it concerns a constant phenomenon in the Narutoverse) about this world that Naruto will subsequently find out in future chapters and make him feel like he's liable for a chance to take over the world. It's a wonder I haven't read an AU fic where the author implemented this; the amount of mischief would increase tenfold!

All hail Bahalana! The epitome word of devil-may-care Filipinos . . . and the God of Blond Ramen Lovers from the Naruto world. Hahaha!