Seven Ghosts
Part Two
Chapter Twelve
Last Ghost
{[Orihara Izaya]}
The IV is in, the dye is circulating my system and I'm already feeling light-headed from the Valium that Shinra's pushed to ease my anxiety. I didn't even ask for it, he just knew that this was my last go at a life at all and it was naturally stressing. I'm not sure how comfortable I should have felt not being in a hospital, but a clean room in Shinra's apartment, although I'm sure it was far better than being in a hospital with my fate in a stranger's hands. Shizuo isn't allowed to smoke like he normally is and he waits anxiously on the couch, having a one-sided conversation aloud with Celty.
I'm convinced that Shinra should have given him the valium.
"Can I talk to him … before … you know..." I ask Shinra quietly, sitting on the cot covered in sterile sheets.
"Sure, I haven't done a scrub down yet, but once its completely sterile here, that's it."
"Okay."
"Hey."
"Yeah?"
"You're really brave for going through with this. He knows that too. This won't be your last conversation with him, alright?"
I nod, trying to take the words to heart but there is still a fear in my gut of not ever waking up again. I drag the IV stand with me out to the doorway and gesture him over, not wanting to go too far feeling so woozy. I've never been under general anesthesia before, so naturally, I'm nervous about that on top of everything else.
Shizuo leans in close, touching my face. "Are you sure?" he asks. "There's still time to back out."
"I've come this far," I tell him, trying to put on a casual face. He can see right through it, I know, but I try anyway. If I show how scared shitless I am, he might get even more irritable and anxious. "This can't take me down."
He smiles a little. "Izaya, I wanted to tell you – "
"Don't say them. Not those words, not now," I order firmly. "This isn't our last time. And the first shouldn't be out of desperation. It cheapens them."
Shizuo nods. "Okay. Then I'll just say … good luck." He must see my fear, because he leans down and kisses me, not even caring about Celty or Shinra seeing. If I were going to die today, I don't care either. I hold onto his lips as long as I can, wondering if I'll ever be able to feel them again anywhere on my body. My beast, my protozoan, my reason, my closure. The balm for any hurt. I swallow that balm as deeply as I can, and it takes Celty waving her hand about as if she were clearing her throat to drag me away from that delicious warmth. He tastes so good … flesh and sweat and nicotine … it almost hurts to pull away.
Celty presents her phone. Cute.
I'm the one who feels warm in the face as Shizuo rolls his eyes. "Cut us a break, alright? Who cares if it was predictable to everyone but me?"
We share a nervous laugh.
Best of luck to you Orihara. I believe in you, you creepy bastard.
"Gee thanks. Your words will pull me through to the end, Celty-chan."
Mine won't. But his will.
She thought he'd said it. But that's okay. He didn't need to say them out loud. I look him in the eye one last time and squeeze his hand with an encouraging smile. He kind of half returns it, but there is no mistaking the terror behind his intense amber eyes. "Um … happy twenty-fifth if you don't wake up before then," he tells me with a weak chuckle.
"How did you know my birthday?" I ask.
"Shinra told me. Sleep well."
"I'll just have dirty dreams of you, Shizu-chan," I tell him, then pinch his butt with a wink, then turn to face Shinra. He has me take my rings and a few body piercings out and hands them to Celty's shadow, which takes them to Shizuo. I'm in pretty much la-la land by the time he puts the mask over my face and asks me to count backwards from 100.
"One-hundred..." I say. The lights were suddenly very, very bright. "Ninety-nine..." When am I supposed to pass out? "Ninety-eight..." Funny, I don't feel very … "Ninety … sev...en..." Speaking was suddenly very hard, as if every muscle in my body was extremely heavy.
"Be strong," I hear Shinra say in my ear before I'm standing in a totally different place. The smell of gasoline, tires and inflatables are the first thing I sense, as olfactory input is the strongest in the wonderful human body. Dim, hot, muggy … tangible heat … and the sound of parts scraping and dropping against concrete. An early spring heat wave in a middle-school summer.
"I'm teeelling."
I peeked out from under the car and sneered. "No one is going to believe a three-year-old, Mairu."
"I'm teeeeeeeeelling!" Mairu skipped off, but I wasn't worried. She made shit up all the time. I wiped the grease from my hands unsuccessfully and rose, looking at my blackened arms as if they were covered in blood.
Because they were, when you get right down to it.
"Happy birthday, Iza-nii!"
"Happy birthday, IzaIza!"
"Mooooom, they're repeating each other again!" I complained. Mairu and Kururi were too young to understand why daddy had to be in the hospital for the past few days. Too naïve to really understand my hatred for the man. Beating on mom, breaking her will every day. Beating on me because I would instigate to draw his attention away from her or my sisters. Spending every dime I ever earned mowing lawns or weeding gardens for neighbors on booze. I didn't care that he was gone. I hoped he never came back.
"Happy birthday, Izaya," mom says quietly, strained and tearful.
I looked her in the eyes and she didn't have to say anything at all to me. I knew he was dead. And I had killed him. This should have been the best birthday ever.
But it was the worst.
Because I felt nothing. I just looked away from her, knowing that she knew I knew. It would kill her if she found out I did it. So I said nothing. She never even really broke the news, just told the twins that daddy wouldn't be coming back and took my intelligence for granted.
Bitch.
"So hers is the one heart you couldn't break, huh?"
"What are you doing here, Shizu-chan?" I sigh, turning around. "This is my nightmare. Don't tell me you're here to rescue me from this too..."
"I'm just confused as to how you can hate someone so much and still love them enough to rely on their forgiveness..." Shizuo says in a not-so-Shizuo thoughtful manner.
"Irony. Funny. Because you hate me and love me at the same time too, right? Visa-versa perhaps? I can see this shit from a mile away. My subconscious can't even outsmart me, how lame is that?"
"You're aching for someone to outsmart you. They couldn't. He couldn't. No one could. No one can, not even me."
"Ah, but you rely on a more intuitive guidance. Like a dog, you smell me out and know everything about me without understanding or processing a single presented fact. You just know. It scares the shit out of me you know. It's like I've been outsmarted by a gorilla or something. I hate you and love you for being able to do that. If words were your strong suit, you'd have figured me out long ago. You can't be in the same class of human as all of them. You're special. Stupid, but special." My shoulders slump. "Why isn't this fun anymore?"
"Because," he tells me, embracing me and running his lips against mine. "This life has ended. And another has begun."
Before I could accuse him of being pathetically cliché, he kisses my forehead and squeezes my hand, which is very heavy and weak. I try to squeeze back but every muscle in my hand is a wet, limp noodle like when you first wake up but a thousand times worse. I'm afraid he can't even feel it, but Shizuo pauses.
"Did you just squeeze my hand?"
I try to talk but there is this god awful pain in my throat. I want to breath deeply but … ugh. A tube is crammed down there. Sooo glad I can feel a plethora of narcotics coursing through me. So I try to nod my head but find it impossible to move. Can I at least wiggle my toe at him? Yes, but will he notice?
"Shinra... I think he's coming around."
"Let me see."
Shinra is leaning over me, shining a light down my face. I squint and try to voice disapproval, but its just so hard when everything about me is made of lead. I want to swear at him: Get that shit light out of my face so I can punch you, you bastard. This hurts!
"Good eye, Shizuo. Izaya, you had us worried, but the worst is over. Now that you're awake we can work on getting you back to snuff. It'll be slow, and it won't be pretty, but you've come this far. Don't talk, I'll get the tube out ASAP, but it'll still be hard to speak for a bit."
I want to ask what day it is, so I look about and settle my eyes on a calender. It's May.
Shizuo follows my gaze and chuckles. "Happy birthday, Izaya. Welcome back."