Chapter 5

Hutch woke up with a jolt when he felt cold water on his face. He opened his eyes and looked at Starsky's laughing and dripping wet face. "You awake now?" the brunet grinned and shook his wet curls again.

"What happened to you?"Hutch asked wiping the water from his eyes.

"Been swimming." Starsky grabbed a towel and started drying his hair.

"You've been swimming, where?"

"In the ocean! Where do you think I've been?"

Hutch groaned "You chased the fish away. Now I can't get us dinner."

Starsky snorted "There were only baby fish, remember? Nothing for you to catch in there but tiny baby fish. And I don't eat babies you know, only grown, mature fish. And talking about food, I'm hungry."

"He's hungry," Hutch muttered. "You chased our dinner away Starsk. Now you can think of something for us to eat."

"No problem. I've got all kinds of food, like soup and beans and..."

"Soup and beans are not exactly my favorites for dinner you know, but I think it'll have to do for today. But tomorrow I'm gonna take care of the food and you'll better eat what I serve you."

He disappeared into the tent and Starsky heard him rummaging through the contents of the bag. When he came out of the tent he held two cans in his hands and looked at them with disgust. "Geez Starsk, it's really awful. Chicken soup and beans. Beans and chicken soup. Oh... and candy. I don't know, maybe I should try and catch something anyhow."

"Hey! I like chicken soup you know. My mom always made me chicken soup when I was sick and it……"

"You're not sick now, are you; so why the chicken soup?"

Starsky shrugged "It was cheap and I like it. Besides, it's real Jewish staple food and I ain't going anywhere without chicken soup."

Sighing Hutch started preparing dinner while his friend changed his wet cut-offs for his jeans. Looking for his shirt he asked "Aren't you going to swim?"

"Maybe later, first we eat."

"Okay, what ever you want."

That remark made Hutch laugh and spill some of the hot soup over his hand.

With a curse he dropped the pan and yelled "Shit! That hurts."

Starsky was with him in a second, looked at the burn and pulled Hutch with him towards the lake.

"What are you doing?" the blond asked, the burned hand against his mouth.

"A burn needs to be cooled. At least twenty minutes, so put that hand in the water."

"It's just a small burn Starsk. No need to panic."

"I'm not panicking. I just want you to cool that burn."

"It hardly is a burn Starsky. It was only a few drops that hit me. Look, it's hardly visible just a bit red, that's all."

"Okay, so it's not so bad but it's still a burn."

"If it makes you feel better I'll cool it for a few minutes but twenty minutes is ridiculous for a few red spots."

Starsky shrugged "It's your hand. Do what you like." He looked Hutch in the face and admitted "Okay, maybe I overreacted a little but I've seen ….." he shrugged again. "Never mind, it's not important."

Hutch crouched near the lake and put his hand in the cold water. He had to admit that it felt nice and the stinging feeling eased off. He sat there for a few minutes and when he didn't feel any pain anymore he went back to their camp. Starsky had finished heating the beans and handed him a full plate without saying a word.

"Everything all right Starsk?" Hutch had the feeling something was wrong but Starsky nodded "I'm fine."

"Thanks for helping me with the burn buddy."

Starsky nodded but said nothing. Hutch began to feel uncomfortable and again he asked "Are you all right Starsk? You're not angry are you? It just was a small burn." He showed Starsky his hand but the brunet didn't look. The dark blue eyes were hidden by the dark, long lashes but Hutch could sense the dark mood his friend was in. Still wondering what was wrong he started to talk, without thinking and not knowing why he said what he said. "You said you have seen…what? Was it in 'Nam? Or somewhere else? Have you seen burns that were real bad? Talk to me Starsk. Please? I need to understand."

All he got for an answer was a shrug and almost desperately he went on "I think that your time in Vietnam must have been horrible. Maybe you should talk about it ……"

"I…don't…..want…to …talk…about…it!" Starsky yelled vehemently "I thought I made that clear to you, didn't I? So, shut up about it!"

'Wow' Hutch thought and said "Yeah you did Starsk and I'm sorry I brought the subject up but I'm worried about you, I want to help you."

"You can't help me Hutch." Starsky had calmed down and looked Hutch in the eyes "It's something I have to learn to live with I guess."

Shocked by the pain and defeat he read in the other's eyes Hutch swallowed the lump in his throat. He felt guilty for not being drafted but glad at the same time that he never had have to face the grueling cruelty of that war.

"I'm sorry" he whispered but Starsky shook his head "For what?" he asked.

"For being safe all the time you were there and for all the horrors you have seen and I didn't because my…."

"Will you stop it Hutch. Don't tell me you feel guilty for not having been in 'Nam."

"Well, I guess I do" Hutch admitted and to his surprise Starsky started to laugh. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" the brunet hiccupped, wiping the tears from his eyes. "You always feel guilty about something you should be glad about?" He tried to stop laughing. "You don't have a guilt complex do you? Or whatever you call it."

"Of course not."Hutch answered self consciously, but at the same time admitting to himself that maybe there was some truth in Starsky's words. He remembered from his childhood the guilt he'd felt when his mother or father was angry at him or when they were fighting over something he didn't understand. Somehow he always had thought it was his fault and even when he'd married Nancy and things went wrong he thought it was his fault for some reason.

"Good" he heard Starsky say "'Cause I don't wanna be friends with some guilt- ridden guy. It's not healthy to feel guilty about things that aren't your fault you know."

Hutch shook his head "No, it isn't," and made a mental note to do something about the guilt thing.

"We didn't do much walking today did we?" Starsky said "And we won't be starting now huh?"

"No, let's call this a rest day and get up early tomorrow" Hutch agreed. "If we start in time we could walk several miles."

Starsky groaned just thinking about walking for miles but decided to go along with it without grumbling.

"How's your hand?" he asked.

"It's fine buddy, I hardly feel it anymore."

"That's good, no problems then?"

"Nope," Hutch smiled "but you'll do the cooking tomorrow if I don't catch us something to eat."

"That's a deal" the brunet agreed and finished his plate "I'm tired, I think I'll turn in early."

"Me too." Hutch felt his eyes grow heavy the moment he said it. "Tomorrow is a whole new day."

"With new surprises," Starsky added.

Starsky slept undisturbed by dreams or bad memories but Hutch wasn't so lucky. At first he couldn't sleep at all, waiting and listening for any sign that the brunet would have a nightmare or couldn't sleep. He lay in the tent with his eyes wide open and wondered not for the first time why he felt like he did towards the New Yorker. 'It's strange' he thought 'I hardly know him but somehow he's so familiar to me, so….' He couldn't find the word to describe the feeling he had when he thought about the sleeping man next to him. He smiled in the dark 'Like I've always known him.' He turned to his left side and closed his eyes but sleep didn't come. He thought about getting up but decided against it, afraid he'd wake up his friend and with another sigh he turned on his back again. 'I wish I could help him forget the war' Again he wondered why he felt like had to protect Starsky from something. He snorted softly 'He's a big boy Kenny; he can take care of himself. He survived a war, that's more than you ever did. You don't need to protect him, so forget about it.' He listened again for some sign of disturbance from the sleeping man but Starsky made no other sound than a soft snoring and Hutch began to feel quite stupid. 'Sleep Hutchinson. You'll be a mess in the morning and how are you gonna explain that to him huh?' He tried to relax and after a while he let himself drift off to sleep to be haunted by wild, violent dreams that had Starsky in them.

Starsky woke up in the middle of the night and listened intently to find out what had awoken him from a sound sleep. At first he heard nothing but the usual forest sounds but then there was another sound that didn't belong to the night and it took him a few seconds to recognize it as crying. In an instant he was wide awake and turned to the apparently sleeping blond. "Hey Hutch." He whispered but when the crying sounds didn't stop he shook the bare shoulder and said in a loud voice "Hutch! Wake up buddy, you're having a nightmare."

Slowly Hutch woke up but when he opened his eyes he still saw the haunting pictures from his dream and with a soft cry he disappeared in the sleeping bag.

"Come on Hutch, it's only a dream." Starsky shook the man in the sleeping bag "come out of there, there's nothing here to be afraid of."

Carefully a blond head appeared again and Starsky turned on the torch to show the disorientated man he was safe in the tent.

"Must have been a bad one huh?"Starsky asked with empathy, knowing how awful nightmares could be.

Sitting up Hutch nodded "You have no idea" he said but Starsky smiled sadly. "Oh yes, I have." He looked at Hutch and tried "you wanna tell me about it? I'm an expert in nightmares, you know."

"I don't know," Hutch hesitated, trying to remember what exactly he'd been dreaming, "I don't think I remember everything."

"That's all right, tell me what you know."

They sat together, shoulder to shoulder in the small tent and Hutch started to tell about his dream. "I don't know where I was but you were there too and it was bad." He shivered and Starsky slung his arm around the quivering shoulders. Grateful for the gesture and the support Hutch went on "I think it was war and there was a lot of shooting and suddenly I saw you lying, bleeding and not moving," he hung his head to hide the tears he felt in his eyes and stuttered, "you were lying next to a red car and I knew you were dead." Starsky pulled him into his arms and whispered "but I'm not dead, I'm right here, alive and kicking. Come on Hutch, it was just a dream, not a premonition."

Still feeling the sadness he had felt in his dream Hutch nodded "but it felt so real!"

"I know."The brunet sighed "I have them all the time and every time I'm back in that hellhole."

Hutch looked at him and saw the shadow that crossed the handsome face "I'm sorry Starsk, so sorry you had to go through all of that."

Composing himself Starsky suddenly grinned "Look at us! Two brand new cops blubbering over some bad dream. What would our captains think if they saw us here, in the middle of nowhere, acting like some nervous virgins?"

Hutch chuckled "Virgins Starsk? You a virgin?"

"Hey, I never said I am a virgin! I said like a virgin!"

"Oh okay then." Hutch yawned and Starsky asked "You think you can go back to sleep now?"

"Yeah, I think so. I'm tired enough and I guess the dream won't come back."

"No, it won't. Now be a good boy and close your eyes." When the other did just that Starsky poked him in the ribs "Not on my shoulder, Blondie! Use your pillow."

"Sorry" Hutch mumbled and lay down on his pillow. "'Night Starsk."

"'Night Hutch, pleasant dreams."

A contented sigh was the answer to that and Starsky smiled. 'Wouldn't it be great if I could get rid of my nightmares that easily?' He thought 'If they just weren't real memories it would be much easier.'

He closed his eyes in an attempt to sleep but now his nightmares showed up even while he was wide awake. The mutilated bodies of his comrades, the constant shootings and even the smell of burning flesh came back to him and he bit his lip to keep the screams inside. 'Hell, when will this ever stop?' He thought, 'I've been back now for two years, isn't that enough time to leave it behind me? Or do I have to deal with this for the rest of my life?' Cursing he turned to his right side and finally he fell asleep again without haunting nightmares.

Hutch woke up at half past five, feeling rested and ready for another day in the wild. He turned his head to see if Starsky was awake yet but all he could see was sleeping bag filled with a human form. Starsky's head had disappeared completely in the sleeping bag and he seemed to be sound asleep.

Hutch smiled and his thoughts went back to earlier that night when he had been awoken from a nightmare by the brunet. He felt the fear and sense of loss creep back into his mind and shivered again but resolutely he pushed the scary images away and got up to dress and make coffee. Before he left the tent he looked back at sleeping man and whispered "Thanks buddy, for being there for me last night."

"You can thank me with a huge breakfast." Was the surprising answer and he laughed, when he saw the sleep tousled- hair appear followed by a very sleepy face.

"Did I wake you?" he asked, feeling guilty about waking the brunet so early.

"Nah, I was awake already," Starsky lied ,"so don't get yourself all worked up and don't feel guilty."

A strange feeling of connection filled the blond's being and he wondered what it meant. At the same time Starsky sat up and asked "What was that?"

Understanding what he meant Hutch shrugged "I don't know Starsk, but I feel it too."

"Yuck! It feels like someone is looking right through me and reading my mind!"

Hutch nodded in understanding "I read about these things but never felt it before. You think that you and I…..."

"No! No way!" Starsky almost yelled, "nobody is going to crawl inside my head and read my mind."

"Relax buddy, relax. Maybe we just need some strong coffee to chase the night away."

"It better be just that," Starsky mumbled, "I hate that mumbo jumbo. "

Smiling Hutch went outside and started a fire still feeling oddly happy and connected with a soul mate he only met six months ago.

TBC