Book 2

Chapter 16

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Pixie dust

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Oh, did Gilderoy like an entrance.

He was standing at the top of the stairs; he looked around the class and walked down smiling all the way. Xander hid his smirk. "This should be interesting," he said under his breath.

At least in this class he could fake it without being under suspicion; Lockhart would think that everything he was doing was to get into the limelight; oh, if only he knew the truth! The man walked down the steps, his cape billowing dramatically behind him, stopped at a desk, smiled yet again and picked up one of Neville's books.

"Me," he said, pointing at it and winking. "Gilderoy Lockhart: Order of Merlin, Third Class; Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award - but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"

Xander put his hand up.

"Harry, you have a question?"

"How do you defeat a vampire?"

"What?"

"Simple question," Xander said quietly. "How do you defeat a vampire?"

"I…"

"Did you use a stake, sword, garlic, or perhaps a silver bullet?" Gilderoy stuttered, but Xander continued. "It says in Voyages with Vampires that you lived with them for about a year?"

"Correct."

"Vampires, especially Master vampires don't generally tend to accept observers, some sort of Napoleonic megalomania." Hermione's eyes went wide. "Or did you use a simple Lumos spell?"

"Lumos? How could a light spell stop a vampire?"

Students started talking now, chatting among themselves.

"A Lumos spell is a spell that creates light," Xander said. Hermione couldn't help but notice the feral smile on his lips. "And what don't vampires like?"

"Well, anyway," said Lockhart in a quick attempt to change the subject. He gave Xander an odd look before addressing the whole class. "We should get on with some work: a quiz to see how much information you've taken in; don't worry it's nothing too bad." He flashed a smile as he regained his confidence in more familiar territory.

Xander reluctantly looked down at the piece of parchment which had just appeared on the desk in front of him, although he knew roughly what the questions were going to be.

1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart 's favourite colour?

2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?

3. What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?

He tried to stifle a giggle at seeing the amount of self-focused questions this man had concocted for the class. He got his quill out and started scribbling down answers. Ron's eyebrows shot up in amusement when he saw some of the things Xander was writing.

Finally, after half an hour of this, Xander was finished; he took his time so as not to look too knowledgeable, and besides, he was having great fun writing down crap.

When the whole class had finished the quiz, Professor Lockhart collected them all in for marking.

"Tut, tut - hardly any of you remembered that my favourite colour is lilac. I say so in Year with the Yeti. And a few of you need to read Wanderings with Werewolves more carefully - I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples - though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogdens Old Firewhisky! And no, Mr Potter, it's not buttered toast."

Seamus choked back a laugh; Xander shot him a grin.

"It appears that Ms. Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions – good girl! In fact" - he flipped her paper over - "full marks! Where is Miss Hermione Granger?"

Hermione held her hand up and was blushing furiously. "Excellent!" beamed Lockhart. "Quite excellent! Take ten points for Gryffindor! And so - to business." He bent down behind his desk and lifted a large, covered cage onto it. "Now - be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizard kind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm."

"Oi," Xander said with a tired sigh, looking over at Ron. "Do you know how to perform a Stunning Spell?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because in about three seconds we're going to need it."

Ron looked curious but nodded anyway. The cage rattled furiously. "I must ask you not to scream," said Lockhart in a low voice. "It might provoke them."

Seamus burst out in laughter as the Professor removed the cover from the cage. Lockhart gave a very patronising smile. "Yes?"

"Well, they're not - they're not very - dangerous, are they?"

"Don't be so sure!" said Lockhart with a wave of the finger. "Devilish, tricky little blighters they can be!"

He started shaking the cage; Xander slipped his wand out and placed it on his lap. Ron did the same. Hermione caught the movement and with questioning eyes also followed suit.

He opened the cage and the nasty little things burst out of it, turning the relatively ordered classroom into complete chaos within a few seconds. Hermione then understood why Xander had wanted his wand to hand. In one swift movement, Xander shoved Ron out of the way and pushed him in such a way that without realising it he snapped Ron's wand.

With a sudden burst of energy, Xander let rip with a Stunning Spell. Everything around them was completely silent: Neville hung in mid-air, suspended by three Pixies, while other Pixies of all shapes and sizes floated about harmlessly. Xander and Hermione helped Neville down and got him straightened up.

"Harry…"

Xander turned around to see a stunned-looking Ron holding a very broken wand. The redheaded boy looked close to tears. "You broke my wand."

Xander walked over, took it and looked it over.

"Shit."

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Gilderoy had spent the better part of the day cleaning up the mess inside the room; he wasn't happy. He was going to have to have a word with the child about undermining his hard work; he was trying to teach, for Merlin's sake.

Still, if he could get on Harry Potter's good side, and maybe get in a few photos, he could salvage the situation that was turning sour rather rapidly.

Gilderoy sighed, turned around and nearly fainted with shock.

There, sitting on one of the tables with his legs on a chair, was the scruffy-haired child himself, and he was wearing a rather serious look.

"That was quite a lesson," he said plainly. Gilderoy smiled, not really sure whether or not he should take it as a compliment. "One of these days you're going to get someone killed."

"Oh." It wasn't a compliment. "Harry, what can I do for you?"

"Let me get straight to the point," Xander said with a large grimace. "I know you're a fake."

Gilderoy's wand hand twitched.

Xander rolled his eyes and sighed. "Do you really think I'd come here unprepared?" He eyed the blue-eyed man with cold, green eyes. "Do you really think you can take me?"

Gilderoy tried; he went for his wand but the boy was faster, his wand whipping out in a slick movement. "Accio Gilderoy's wand!"

The wand slipped out of his fingers and landed squarely in Xander's left hand. Gilderoy slumped back into his seat. "What do you want?"

"To make a deal."

Gilderoy looked up hopefully. "I'm all ears."

Xander smiled. "Ron's wand broke in your class; you will pay for a new one, the best money can buy."

Gilderoy felt faint.

"Then you will send a personalised photo to his mother, Molly Weasley." Gilderoy nodded; that task wouldn't be too difficult. "And then you will join my army."

"Army?"

Xander nodded and started explaining exactly what he wanted.