Chapter 6

It was a beautiful morning and after they'd had some kind of breakfast that mostly consisted of candy bars and coffee they packed their camping stuff in the backpacks and went on their way to explore the mountains. Hutch felt good and in his element and refused to think back to the nightmare that had shaken him more than he would let the brunet know. He could still see Starsky lying in a pool of blood and he had a hard time pushing the image away to the back of his mind. Focusing on the beautiful nature around him made him feel better and now he was enjoying being outdoors.

Starsky however was not feeling very happy. He still had a nagging feeling in the back of his mind and he didn't know what to do about it. He saw the beauty around him but couldn't enjoy it and secretly he hoped he would find an excuse to cut this hiking trip short. Being a city boy through and through, he couldn't understand the fun of walking; but the tall blond walking in front of him seemed to enjoy it for the two of them and so Starsky just followed his friend for the sake of their friendship.

"Hey Starsk!" he heard Hutch say "look at this view. It's awesome!"

When he stood next to Hutch he felt his knees buckle with fear. They were standing at the brink of a cliff and looking down upon a very deep valley. Starsky stepped back and turned his back to the breathtaking view. He staggered backwards trying to get away from the terrifying depth until he could lean against a tree and slowly he let himself slide till he was sitting on the ground.

Hutch didn't notice his friend's distress at first, he was completely enraptured by the beauty in front of him but suddenly he had a warning feeling and when he looked around he saw Starsky, pale and sweating, leaning against a tree.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, hurrying to reach the pale brunet "Are you sick, in pain? Come on buddy, talk to me."

But Starsky just looked at him, shook his head and took a deep breath. Worried Hutch sat down beside him "Can you tell me what's wrong Starsk?" he asked softly.

"Heights" Starsky whispered, a bit ashamed for his fear "I hate heights."

Relieved that his friend wasn't sick Hutch smiled at him. " You're not the only one buddy. But why didn't you say anything about that before we started this trip?"

Starsky shrugged. "Dunno, maybe because it's childish."

"Hey, it's not childish. It's very common you know, fear of heights, a lot of people I know are afraid of heights."

"Yeah, well, that may be, but I think it's childish." Starsky said, getting back on his feet again. "Just don't show me any more awesome views Hutch, please! I don't wanna pass out and fall down into that beautiful view."

"That bad huh?"

"Yep, that bad. You're about the only one who knows Hutch" Starsky confessed, "Can I trust you to keep it to yourself?"

"Of course Starsk, I won't say a word but how did you ever keep that from everybody? I mean, you were in the army and no one noticed?" The blond didn't understand how anybody could keep such a thing a secret.

"Well, some people did but they won't tell."

"Why?"

" 'Cause they're dead."

Hutch opened his mouth to say something but closed it again because he didn't know what to say. Starsky had said it without any emotion and Hutch was taken aback by the words and the way they were said.

Starsky didn't look at him, he seemed to be thinking of something else, miles away and his face showed grief and pain. Hutch laid his hand on his friend's shoulder and startled Starsky with his touch.

The dark blue eyes locked with the light blue ones and Hutch felt as if he was drawn into the mind of the man standing opposite him. Starsky closed his eyes for a moment and the feeling of connection disappeared but Hutch knew there was something extraordinary between them.

Starsky felt the same thing and although it was a bit disturbing, it wasn't scaring him now like it did before. He closed his eyes and the connection disappeared, leaving him a bit shaky and oddly enough with a feeling of loneliness.

"You think you're ready to go Starsk?" Hutch looked at the still pale face and wondered if his friend would have the courage to go on. But Starsky nodded "Sure, piece of cake this mountain. As long as you don't show me any more scary things I'll be all right."

"That's a deal buddy." Hutch smiled and looked around to see what path would be the best and wouldn't lead to deep valleys. "If we take this path I don't think we'll be in any trouble." he said, pointing in a direction opposite from where they'd come from, "It looks all flat and easy going."

Starsky looked skeptical "Are you sure Hutch? It looks pretty rough to me."

"But it's all flat" Hutch tried to convince the other "and a few rocks won't kill us."

"Well…" Starsky hesitated "if you say so Mr. Nature Lover, I'll give it a try."

"Okay, let's do it then." Hutch waited till Starsky was ready to go and side by side they left the place with the beautiful view.

Totally at ease with his surroundings Hutch felt himself relax and he walked like the experienced man he really was. Starsky had walked a lot in the past but not for the same reason as the blond. He had never liked walking and during his time in Vietnam he had learned to hate it. Back then they'd walked for hours and hours in the horrible, humid heat, surrounded by the enemy they couldn't see or hear. Even now, walking with his friend, he couldn't get rid of the feeling of looming danger. Suddenly he stopped and turned around. "I'm going home" he said and started walking back. Hutch stared at the broad, retreating back and yelled "what are you doing Starsk? Wait buddy, let's talk about this." He hurried after the brunet who didn't stop or look back but just kept going and when Hutch reached him and grabbed his arm he didn't react to that either.

For a moment Hutch didn't know what to do but then he tightened his grip and said "Look at me Starsky. Look at me!"

Almost as if waking up from a dream Starsky looked at him and repeated "I'm going home."

"Why? What's wrong Starsk? What happened?"

Finally Starsky stood still and looking around he whispered "I need to go home Hutch; I can't stay here, too many memories."

"Have you been here before?"

"No, not here but somehow it brings back memories I don't want to have and it feels like there's danger around every corner." He shivered. "I can't stay, I'm sorry."

"I'm going with you; I won't let you go back alone."

Starsky shook his head "You can stay; don't wanna spoil your week Hutch. Just go and enjoy yourself. See you on Monday." With those words he walked away from the astonished blond.

Hutch stared after his retreating friend and felt his panic rise. 'It's a nightmare.' he thought 'It's a freakin' nightmare.' For a moment he couldn't move but suddenly he found himself running and yelling Starsky's name "Starsky wait. Wait for me Starsk." But Starsky didn't hear him or pretended not to hear him because he just walked on, almost running as if the devil were on his heels.

Hutch moved his long legs faster until he reached his fleeing friend and grabbed his arm almost desperately. Starsky tried to free himself from the strong grip but Hutch didn't let go, he just held on. Panting and not able to say a word, he looked at the man he called his friend and shook his head "You're not going alone," he finally managed to say. "If you're going, I'm going." He took a few deep breaths to calm down his heartbeat and tugging at Starsky's arm he continued "Let's sit down Starsk."

Starsky looked at him as if he'd never seen him before, the haunting images still in his mind, but the soft voice of the persistent blond finally pushed away the overwhelming memories that had taken his sanity for long, long minutes. "Hutch," it sounded as if he saw him for the first time in days, "Hutch, what happened?"

Hutch sat down, still holding the dazed man's arm and urged him to sit down. Starsky complied and without another word he sat down next to his friend. They sat together in silence for several minutes; both men trying to understand what had happened and Hutch especially trying to find the right words to say.

"Starsk" he started carefully "do you know what happened? Did something like this ever happen before?"

He could 'feel' Starsky shaking his head but the brunet didn't say a word, he was still trying to work out for himself what he wanted the other man to know. 'What can I tell him?' he wondered. 'He's gonna think I'm mad and maybe I am! It sure would explain a lot.' He snorted at that thought and Hutch looked at him, alarmed by the sounds he heard but he relaxed a little when he saw the dark blue eyes looking his way.

"Sometimes it helps to talk you know." He tried again but Starsky just shrugged and looked away, making it clear he didn't want to say anything about what bothered him. Sighing Hutch stared at the tree on the other side of the path and was surprised when he heard his friend hesitatingly say "It has nothing to do with you Hutch, believe me, it's just……you know……I can't talk about it." The last words were whispered and Hutch felt a sudden lump in his throat. It sounded so desperate, so scared and so lonely that Hutch had to suppress the urge to embrace the man beside him. "It's okay Starsk," he said softly. "If you're not ready to talk we'll wait till you are. As long as you remember that when you're ready I'll be here, right next to you and together we'll be beat what ever is haunting you."

"Thanks….partner."

That word surprised Hutch and when he looked questioningly at his friend Starsky smiled a little. "I don't know why I said that but I think it sounds right. Dunno why, but it does."

Hutch smiled back. "Yeah… it sounds right and we will be partners some day, won't we?"

Starsky sighed "Yeah" and a bit embarrassed he added "I don't know why I ran away from you………….or actually …I do know why, but I can't explain it." He made an irritated gesture with his hands "It's hard you know, to live with things you once did, even when you never wanted to do them." He stared at the same tree Hutch had stared at earlier "There are many things I regret Hutch but there isn't a damn thing I can do about it anymore," he shook his head, "not a damn thing."

Hutch said nothing; he didn't know what to say 'How can I ever help you buddy. I've never been in situations like you have and I really have no idea what they made you do, but it must have been hell!'

To Hutch's surprise Starsky asked "Have you ever been forced to do something you knew was wrong?"

"No….well…..maybe, but it's not something like you've been through."

"You don't know what I've been through Hutch, so maybe it is something just as bad."

"I don't think so buddy." Hutch couldn't stop the grin on his face, "unless you think that being forced going to med school is almost as bad as war."

"Hm….no." Starsky flashed a smile at Hutch, "no, I don't think that's the same but it must have been pretty bad for you though."

"Yeah, it was at the time but I told you about my father and there was no way for me to go against his wishes……..back then." He waited and stared at his hands, "It was the same with Nancy, you know. She was a nice girl, beautiful, sexy but demanding. And my father adored her and insisted I'd marry her and I, young and stupid as I was, thought it was a good idea. Can you believe that? I let my father dictate my life and hardly rebelled against it. I think he trained me well."

"He could have been one of the drill sergeants in boot camp." Starsky chuckled; finally feeling more at ease.

"Hey, I think even a drill sergeant could have learned a lot from my father about training." Hutch grinned, relieved that the crisis seemed to be over. He looked around and suggested "What do you think Starsk, shall we set up camp here? Or do you wanna look for a better place?"

"Nah, its okay with me," the New Yorker agreed. "I'm too tired to walk another mile."

"Well, you can sit there and take it easy while I pitch the tent." Hutch suggested "And when I'm done I'll fix us something to eat."

"That shouldn't be too difficult," Starsky quipped, "since we only have soup and beans."

"Maybe I can find us some berries or mushrooms." Hutch answered working on the tent "Beans and mushrooms are delicious."

"No mushrooms buddy, I don't wanna be poisoned."

"Hey, I know which mushrooms are edible! Don't worry about that Starsk; you're perfectly safe with what I'll serve you."

"Really," the brunet muttered. "How do I know you won't pick the wrong ones by accident?"

"Because I know which one you can eat. Trust me, I won't poison you."

Hutch had the tent pitched in no time and quickly he put their things inside and spread out a sleeping bag.

"You want to lie down for a while Starsk, while I make us something to eat?"

Starsky looked at him with suspicion. "Can I trust ya with the food?" he asked "You're sure ya won't be in any trouble while I'm here taking a nap?"

Hutch heard the concern in the other's voice and he felt a warmth he hadn't felt in a long, long time. 'Maybe never,' he thought. 'When was the last time somebody really cared how I was doing?" His father had never cared, Nancy had never cared, maybe his mother had cared but she had never said or showed anything that looked like caring. And here was Starsky, upset, shaken, traumatized but caring. For him! Overwhelmed by his feelings Hutch couldn't say a word but he nodded and smiled a shaky smile.

Starsky was too tired to notice Hutch's emotions; that morning's events had drained him from all energy and with a sigh he stretched out on the sleeping bag. Within seconds he was asleep and Hutch, looking at the now relaxed face wondered for the umpteenth time what the hell had happened to the man.

TBC