Chapter 8

Hutch said nothing for a while, shocked by Starsky's last words. 'What have you done? Or better, what happened to you?' He refused to believe the brunet would have done something real bad without being forced to do it.

Starsky watched his friend intently, regretting his last words but he had said them before he knew it and couldn't take them back anymore. 'What is it with you Hutch? I keep saying things I don't want to, but somehow you make me say it. How do you do that?'

Carefully, afraid of using the wrong words, the blond started. "I can't believe you did something ….." but Starsky interrupted him roughly "Ya better believe it Hutch; I did and that's all I'm ever gonna say about it!"

"But Starsk..."

Starsky jumped to his feet almost shouting "No! I won't talk about it Hutch. I won't."

To Hutch's surprise he didn't run away like earlier that day but stood there panting and with clenched fists.

'Stay calm, Kenny, stay calm now. Don't scare him away with your prying.'

"Easy Starsk, take it easy. I won't ask anymore, I promise. Please sit down now, huh?"

With obvious reluctance the brunet sat down again, never facing his friend and not saying another word. His lips were a thin white line and his blue eyes almost turned black while he obviously fought an inner battle.

Hutch watched him from the corner of his eye, relieved that Starsky had done what he'd asked but afraid to say something that would break the fragile grip his friend had on his emotions. The grief and regret were so evident on Starsky's face that Hutch had to close his eyes. He knew he should say something and searching for the right words that wouldn't cause the curly-haired man to run away he started "I'm sorry Starsk; I shouldn't have dragged you with me on this trip."

Coming back from a very dark place in his mind Starsky looked at him, his face a big question mark "What do you mean? You didn't drag me, I came with you 'cause I wanted to"

"Maybe, but if I hadn't asked you to come you wouldn't feel so miserable now."

"I can feel miserable anywhere Hutch, but it's better to feel like this with a friend then being alone and throwing my plates against the wall."

"Much cheaper too." Hutch smiled sadly and was rewarded with a thin smile from Starsky.

"That's for sure Blondie and you know, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I spoiled this week for ya and threw a load of shit your way that ya never asked for"

"Hey, that's what friends are for buddy" Hutch protested "To catch the shit and get rid of it"

"Maybe it's better not to be friends Hutch; I mean, I'm so messed up sometimes and I don't want to drag you into my fucking past"

"Too late Starsk! There's no devil in hell or anywhere that can call off this friendship." 'Where did that come from?' Hutch wondered and the look on Starsky's face told him that he was thinking the same thing. But he couldn't stop himself from going on "Friendship is in the heart and not in the mind so no more talking about calling off anything 'cause you're my friend, no matter what you say or do."

"Geez Hutch, I didn't know you'd get angry. I'm sorry buddy, are ya alright now?"

Hutch nodded, still confused by his outburst "Yeah, I'm fine as long as you stop talking nonsense. Whoa, I don't know why I said what I said but I can tell you this Starsk: it felt damn good." He shook his head "I meant what I said buddy, you're my friend and nothing will stop me from calling you that so you'd better get used to it."

"It won't be hard to get used to that," Starsky confessed. "You know, when I first met you there was something familiar about you. No, no let me finish," he said when Hutch tried to interrupt him, "I thought I knew what it was but I was wrong ya know, it wasn't my CO, that bastard, it was as if I'd known ya long before we met." He shrugged, "I know it sounds weird but that's how it felt."

"No, it doesn't sound weird." Hutch hurried to reassure Starsky. "I felt something like that too." He grinned "If you were a woman I'd say that I'd been waiting for you all my life."

Starsky scowled at him. "Don't ya dare Hutchinson! I'm not like that and if you are you'd better tell me now if ya get my drift."

"Only joking Starsk. Only joking." Hutch laughed, happy that they'd cleared the air and that Starsky's mood had improved considerably.

"Good." Starsky now smiled, "as long as ya don't get the wrong ideas, we'll be fine together."

Hutch lay down on his back, his hands under his head and stared at the clear blue sky. "Aaahh Starsk, we're gonna change the world won't we?" Hutch had had visions of making a difference in people's lives from the moment he had decided to become a cop and now, now he'd met Starsky, he could almost see them working together and making the lives of the less fortunate in the world easier.

Starsky snorted. "Sure, we'll make the entire world a better place and maybe we can stop all the wars when we're at it. Stop dreaming Hutch; it won't be a walk in the park you know."

"I know that." Hutch answered, not willing to let his bubble burst yet "but we can do a lot of good, don't you think?"

"Maybe" Starsky agreed "but the main thing will be to get the bad guys from the street and believe me, they won't go without a fight."

Hutch sighed "No, they won't but wouldn't it be nice to clean up Bay City together and really make a difference?"

Starsky lay down next to Hutch, his hands under his head like his friend and chuckled, glad for the diversion. "You're a real dreamer aren't ya Hutch? Just my luck to find a friend who's dreaming about world peace, and cleaning crime off the streets."

"Well" Hutch said "I could have worse dreams."

"Yeah, you certainly could." Starsky agreed "You could have nightmares about the war or about your father's murder."

As if bitten by a snake Hutch sat right up and whispered, "your father was murdered?"

Still lying on his back Starsky looked at him and said in a steady voice. "He was gunned down when I was thirteen. I saw it happen; it was a drive by shooting. They never caught the killers."

Hutch stared at him trying to digest what the brunet just told him and horrified by the thought of a thirteen year old boy watching his father being murdered he choked out "Jesus, Starsk!"

"It's a long time ago Hutch, I dealt with it."

"How?" Hutch was still stunned by his friend's latest revelation.

Starsky sat up and shrugged "I don't know, I just did" He looked at Hutch and asked "Are you going to catch some fish you think?"

"Huh?"

"Fish. Are you going to catch us some fish?" Starsky said as if explaining to a child.

"You want me to go fishing?" Hutch couldn't believe his ears.

"Yeah I want you to get me a fish. You said you would, so….. Are you going to now?"

"Starsky! You can't expect me to act as if nothing happened after what you just told me." Hutch stared at the brunet in total disbelief.

"Why not? It happened a long time ago and I dealt with it." He sighed. "I shouldn't have told ya, you're way too sensitive."

"I'm not sensitive. Well… maybe I am but this would have shocked anyone, not just me."

"I guess you're not gonna catch me a fish? Okay, I'll do it myself then. See ya in a minute." And to Hutch's astonishment the brunet stood up, took the fishing gear and left.

"Hey Starsk!" he yelled at the retreating figure "Wait for me."

Starsky looked back and stopped walking "Okay, but hurry up will ya? Those beans and mushrooms need company."

"Alright, alright hold your horses." The blond said, panting from the short but fast run. "There's a creek just behind those trees." He pointed at a row of pine trees on a hillock, "maybe we'll eat trout tonight."

"Great. Let's go then; we can't keep our trout waiting, can we?"

Hutch looked at his watch "We haven't much time buddy, it's getting dark soon. I hope we will catch something before it's too late."

"The more reason to hurry then. Come on, let's go!" Starsky was already on his way towards the trees Hutch had pointed out.

When they reached the trees Starsky was struck by the view and held his breath before he said "Wow Hutch, I think I do like nature when it's like this; it's awesome."

Hutch chuckled "Not too high for you Starsk?"

"Nah, I think this is just high enough for me. Now where's my trout?"

"Follow me" Hutch walked in front and Starsky followed, still carrying the fishing gear.

A few minutes later they were standing at the bank of the creek and Hutch, already busy with the fishing rod, asked "You ever do much fishing, Starsk?"

"Nah" Starsky shook his head "I did when I was a kid though with my dad, but after he died I never touched a fishing pole again."

Hutch nodded, understanding his friend completely. "You wanna try it again now?" he asked, handing Starsky the fishing rod.

The brunet stared at the item as if he'd never seen it before "Nah, I don't think so Hutch but thanks anyway. You're a much better fisherman than I am," he chuckled; "you showed that yesterday, remember?"

"Oh yeah, the baby fish." The blond grinned "Too bad we didn't eat them, I think they'd have made good dinner for us."

Starsky sat down on a big rock and started chewing on a grass stalk he'd picked. "Do you have brothers or sisters?" he asked, surprising Hutch once again with the change of topic.

"Huh, yes I have a sister. She's two years younger than I am and she's married to a doctor. You can imagine that she made her daddy really happy with that." The last words were said with sarcasm and Starsky understood the reason why.

"Are you an uncle already?"

"Sshh Starsk, I think I got our dinner. Look." Hutch whispered his eyes glued to the float that disappeared under water "It feels like a big one."

"Good." Starsky whispered back staring at the water that still was hiding his dinner. "I'm hungry."

With an experienced movement Hutch pulled up a medium sized trout. "Gotcha!" he cheered. "Our dinner Starsk!" He unhooked the struggling fish and showed it to the brunet. "You think it will be enough for the two of us?"

With a disgusted look on his face Starsky stared at the fish "I don't think I'm hungry anymore Hutch" he said "Throw the poor thing back into the water will you?"

"Hey, you wanted fish for dinner! I caught a fish and now you want me to throw it back?"

"Yeah, I'm not hungry anymore. Maybe there was something wrong with the mushrooms. I just lost my appetite."

Hutch stared at him with his mouth open "But….."

"Throw it back Hutch. Now!" Starsky was adamant. "I'm not gonna eat that fish so you'd better throw it back where it belongs before it dies."

Confused Hutch returned the trout to the water where it swam away quickly. With regret he saw his catch disappear and when he turned to Starsky he saw a smile on the brunet's face. "You're happy now?" he snapped "What do you wanna eat now, huh?"

Still smiling Starsky shrugged "There's still candy" he said "I can eat some of the candy bars and if you make your fantastic coffee, we won't starve tonight"

"Why did you do that?" Hutch didn't understand it "Why did you want me to let the fish go?"

"Well…I suddenly…."

"Don't say it Starsk. Don't say you lost your appetite buddy, 'cause I don't believe you and there was nothing wrong with the mushrooms either so tell me why you changed your mind."

Starsky looked at his hands "When my pop and I went fishing we always let the fish go and when I saw that poor fish trying to get free I just didn't want to eat it anymore. It's just an innocent fish, ya know, he hadn't done anything wrong so why would we kill him?"

"Because we wanted to eat fish." Hutch said as if explaining to a child, "and when you want to eat fish you have to kill it first."

Starsky stood up. "I'm going back to the tent," he said and turned to leave the creek.

"Wait a second Starsk, I have to get my gear and then I'll come with you"

Starsky nodded and waited till Hutch had gathered his fishing gear and together they returned to their camp where Hutch started to make coffee and Starsky disappeared in the tent to search for some candy bars.

The day came to an end when they sat together in front of the tent, drinking coffee and eating candy in silence. Starsky had just munched down his third chocolate bar when the blond asked "You want me to believe that you never killed a fish?"

Starsky looked at him, surprised by the question, and swallowed down his last bite "No, I don't want you to believe that."

"Then why…?"

"I'll tell you why! When I saw that fish fighting for his life I felt sorry for him. He hadn't done anything wrong; he was just stupid enough to get caught by you. And you know what? I was so glad I could feel sorry for a fish that I could have kissed him. But he would never have survived that so I wanted to thank him by releasing him." A bit embarrassed by his outburst he looked at Hutch who stared at him and wondered, not for the first time, how much more there was to discover about this man and how often he would be surprised by the man he called his friend.

"Sorry, I didn't wanna say all that but ya know Hutch, when you've been in a war, no matter what you did or didn't do, you sometimes lose the ability to feel sorry for anyone or anything! I hated that but couldn't help it and now, with the fish, I could feel sorry for him and that made me feel more human than I've felt in a long time. That's why." He turned his head away and stared in the dark that surrounded them. Something inside his soul stirred and suddenly he felt happier than he had in a long, long time. Softly he said "You make me feel human again buddy. Don't ask me why or how, but that's what I feel and …"

"It's okay Starsk; you don't have to explain anything to me. I don't know what you've been through but I know that it must have been hell and worse and if saving a little fish's life makes you feel more human, I'm willing to save an entire ocean of fish anytime!" He slung his arm around the other man's shoulder in a gesture of support and friendship and grateful Starsky leaned his head on the broad shoulder.

"Thanks Hutch, but that won't be necessary," he chuckled, relieved with the support and understanding the blond offered him. "Maybe I'll ask you tomorrow to catch another fish, as long as it is not that one."

Hutch snorted "How do you think I'll recognize him huh? It was just a trout like there are hundreds of trout and I could see nothing special about him."

Relaxing in the embrace Starsky mumbled "We should have named him; that would have made it easier to recognize him."

"What do you think is a good name for a trout?"

"Hmm….Henry . That's a good one." The brunet closed his eyes. "You think I could teach a fish to learn his name? Or can't they hear a thing 'cause they live under water?"

"I don't know Starsk, but I can look it up when we're home if you want. But now I think you should go to sleep and not on my shoulder. Come on; get in the tent before I have to carry you. I don't think I can manage that buddy."

"Okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going."

"Good boy!" Hutch smiled and stood up to help his sleepy friend to his feet. He watched how he disappeared into the tent and prayed that the night would be peaceful and without nightmares.

TBC