Disclaimer – I do not own Twilight. All recognizable plot and characters belong to the talented Stephanie Meyer.
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The next three weeks flew by as I studied and spent time with all three Whitlock's. Charlotte was great. I loved hanging out with her. Peter really was a laugh and often reminded me of Emmett in his sense of humor. Jasper looked much better, more at ease, in the clothes he had chosen. He was still quiet though. I wondered how long he would keep the golden eyes of the Cullen's. How long until the real man who was my mate flickered back to life. I wondered if he was even still in there.
"Jasper?"
"Yes, Bella? We leave for Volterra next week."
"Yes. James has the flight booked for Thursday. You are happy to be going back there."
"Yes, very."
"So why do you feel anxious?"
"Am I anxious?"
"Partly confused, partly nervous, partly curious, yes I would say you feel anxiety. Is it about the coming change?"
"No. James and Vicky have been preparing me for years, so have the others. I'm ready for it."
"Are you?" He tilted his head and observed me. "You're giving much up."
"Not so much as you might think." I shrugged, not wanting to go into it.
He let the topic drop, "So if not the change what is it that bothers you?"
"I'm not bothered. I was just," I paused thinking of the right word before choosing one of his, "curious."
"About?"
"You."
"I thought Victoria told you all about me."
Guess he was still a little bitter about me knowing his history, I wondered why, "I know legends, stories she was brought up in this life on. As I said before, the legends are often separate from the truth. Though I don't know why it bothers you so much that I know something about you, who you were before you became the Pixie's bitch." I snapped at him before reining myself in, this was not how I had wanted this conversation to go. Over the last few weeks I had spent little to no time with him and never really spoken to him, when he was around he was either quiet or with James. I spoke again before he left and I was left without an answer, though I supposed I might just as well ask Char, "Regardless, your past is not what I was referring to. Never mind. It's not important anyways." I would just talk to Char, not like it really mattered either way. I mean, Peter could have been wrong; things would be much easier if we were really meant to be mates.
"Bella, please, ask your question." He sighed.
I rolled my eyes and turned around to walk up to my room, "Just tell Char I'm upstairs when she and Peter get back from hunting. On second thought, I'll tell her myself, why don't you go catch Bambi, your eyes are dark and I don't need a baby sitter."
At the top of the stairs I turned back to see him still standing in the same spot, his eyes had gone darker, "Just go Jasper. It's not like either of us wants you here." With that, I turned back around and went into my room. I knew I was being a bitch to him, but its like I couldn't help it. The more he just stood there and took it the angrier I was at him.
Char came in a little over an hour later. "What happened with you and the Major? He's in a right foul mood."
"How would I know? He doesn't speak to me."
"Bella? Something happened. He's only like this when we leave here and it's not usually this bad. What did you say to him?"
"Nothing. I told him to go hunt. The Cullen's left, I can be on my own for a couple hours."
She sighed, I knew she wanted to say more but she didn't, "When he calmed down a little he said you were waiting for me?"
"Just wondered when you were heading home since we leave for Volterra on Thursday. I also thought since my last exam is in the morning you and Vicky and I might head out and celebrate after it. Spend the day together."
"We were going to come to Volterra with you. The Major needs us still, at least until you are changed and things are settled between you."
"Why? It's obvious Peter was wrong. We are not mates. The three of you can go back to your lives. Not that I am not grateful for your friendship. I truly do care about you and Pete both and I'm really glad we met and you stayed." Even as I spoke, I felt a little relieved that I would not have to say goodbye to them. I liked knowing where Jasper was. I might not have talked to him, but I always knew where in the house he was and found myself settling near to him. It was just that his gift was soothing; at least that's what I told myself.
"No, it's not obvious!" She snapped at me. Char had never gotten angry with me before, "Why are you being like this? You are so open minded and caring and welcoming to everyone but him! Your heart is open to all of us but closed to him! He is your mate and yet you make him suffer more. He is the last one to deserve more pain but you don't care. You just lash out at him every chance you get. It's no wonder he doesn't talk, every time he opens his mouth you turn what he says against him."
"I do not!" I snapped back, though I knew I did a little, "And even if I were moody with him, its not like he so much as flinches, I wonder if he is even capable of feeling anything! Maybe he just feels everyone else's emotions because he can feel nothing of his own, just a fucking robot, an Alice doll!"
"And Maria's weapon before that right! A murderer and monster!"
"Don't you dare speak of the Major like that!" I screamed at her, shaking in rage, "He's a fucking hero and he saved your sparkly ass!"
"One who would have snapped your neck and drained you dry in an instant!"
"Yeah, maybe so," I snorted and rolled my eyes at her, "but at least he wasn't anyone's doormat to stand and take what ever is thrown at him. He stood up for himself and for you! He had honor in a place where there was nothing but carnage! He was a fucking warrior, a God and you should kiss the ground he walks on for freeing you from what life would have been without him there to keep you safe! You think life there was hard for you, imagine what it was like before his influence moderated life in the coven. Or even after he left when it was only his memory that kept some of them in line, some, not all! There are worse things than death and you would have prayed for oblivion without him to protect you!"
"He killed people, by the thousands, men, women, children, vampires, none escaped his wrath, the carnage from his rage littered battlefields that were miles wide. Do you think his victims thought him more than a monster? A devil born out of hell!"
"If he were a devil he'd have sent you to hell you ungrateful bitch!"
"So better he just ripped Alice apart and burned the pieces? Maybe took out all the Cullen's with her? Emmett and Rose?"
"Better than letting himself become what he has! Vampires, the Volturi, even the twins, they hear his name and tremble. To see him like this! Pathetic and silent, fighting his very nature, better the Pixie had killed him! Better Maria had! At least he'd have gone down with a fight, as the warrior he is!"
"So you want us to leave? To pack up and let him drown! Alone and miserable for eternity because he wanted a connection with someone, anyone, just because that manipulative bitch was the one to find him! To make him keep going for the last few decades until you got here!"
"I want him to fucking fight for something! Anything! I want to know that my mate is still in there! That he hasn't already drowned!" I wasn't sure when the tears had started but I was really crying now and my voice was hoarse from yelling at her. "He should have fought her! He should have fought to live! He should have fought! He was a fucking warrior and he just lay down and rolled over! She's gone and he's still just a fucking rag doll, no fight left in him, no life, my mate is worse than dead! Why should I understand and be caring and welcoming! He's buried my mate alive inside himself and there is nothing left of him! That shell is not my mate! My mate was a goddamn warrior! And he's dead! Alice fucking Cullen killed him and he just let her!"
"Bella…"
"NO! Don't fucking tell me not to be so hard on him! I get it his life, sucked, but you know what? I DON'T GIVE A DAMN BECAUSE HE KILLED MY MATE!" I couldn't speak, could barely even breathe through the sobs wracking my body now.
I felt cool arms wrap around me and heard Vicky murmuring soft words to me, "Shh, it's alright. He's still in there little one. I know this has all been hard on you but it will be ok. I promise. The Major is still alive. Your mate is alive and he will be strong again. Just be patient a little bit longer."
"Why?" I hugged my sister, "Why even change to be alone forever, or to live with the shadow of my mate. It hurts to see him, Vick, it hurts and it makes me so angry I can't breathe. I don't know if I can do this, live forever like this."
"It will get better, Bella. And you will never be alone. Too many people love you. Think about James, my mate would break if anything were to happen to you. Think of the man he was before you. You have made our lives, made us, so much better. And think of Demetri, Emmett and Rose who love you as their sister. The Volturri kings who see you as a niece and daughter, who have made so many changes because of the strength of your love and purity of your soul. Especially Caius, the world would be bathed in blood from his wrath if ever you were harmed. Or Alec and Jane. I think next to James and Caius they would take it the hardest. Never has anyone seen them connect with another as they do to each other but they have with you. The bonds that you make are the strongest Marcus has ever encountered. Your soul is so pure and full of love. We cannot be without you my sister. Please, just be strong a little longer. I know the Major will be strong again; he will not let you suffer. After the change life will be different, things will get better. Please sister, don't give up faith, don't let the Pixie destroy your beautiful spirit."
I could hear the sadness in her voice and knew her eyes would be coated in venom. We sat on the floor like that for a long while, until I could cry no more. When I spoke, my voice came out a gravelly whisper from screaming and crying so long, "I would never leave you Vicky, I'd never hurt any of you like that."
"I know, sister. Just don't forget ok. Don't forget how much we all love you. How much we all need you. The Major too, if anyone can reach him it's you. Just be patient, a little while longer. He's in there; I've seen him there, pushing to come out, he's still alive, just buried deep and locked in a cage."
"I need him Vick. Not that pansy he's become but my true mate. Everyday it grows, that need for him and everyday it hurts more to see what he has become and know I am alone. I wish he'd never come here, that the Cullen's had just stayed away. I could have lived fine without him, maybe for centuries, but at least for decades. Now that he is here and so very far from me, so unreachable, it is more than an ache to be loved, missing what is unknown, now it is painful just to breathe. He's drowning and I'm suffocating and we both just need him to fight, but he wont" I was crying softly again, "He wont fight for me Vic and I am not strong enough to keep fighting us both when all either of us wants is to give up and let the pain consume us." She just held me and rocked me until I cried myself to sleep.
In the morning, the cabin was empty but for Vic and me, she fed me breakfast and drove me to my last exam, luckily, hers had finished already. Neither of us spoke much. I was still tired and enough had been said the night before.
I went into my exam and despite the tiredness and distraction of my mind, I was able to focus and do well on my exam. It was not my easiest but neither was it the hardest. When I left, I was pleased with how it had gone, though overall, I was still miserable and wished nothing more than to crawl back into my bed and sleep.
"Shall we shop for a while?" Vicky asked me, pulling me out of my daydreaming as I walked sightlessly past her, towards where we had parked earlier. "It might be our last chance in New York for a few years."
"Right. Ok. Let's go then."
"Are you hungry? We can pick up lunch after we meet Char."
"Why?"
"You didn't eat much this morning Bella. You need to eat properly and besides, soon you won't be eating so you should have as many of your favorites in advance."
I smiled at that but clarified my sentence with the smile dropping from both our faces, "Yes, lunch would be good, though I am not very hungry. What I meant was why is Char meeting us?"
"You invited her yesterday." She shrugged, "Shall we go to the deli if you are not to hungry? Or would you like to stop at that little all day breakfast place we discovered a few months ago?"
"The deli. And I invited her before she turned into an ungrateful bitch who called my mate a monster."
"At least you are acknowledging that he is your mate." Her voice floated to me as we walked away from the campus.
I spun to face her angrily, "That meek spineless guppy is not my mate, just the shell of what was once a great warrior left over after letting himself be neutered by Alice. My mate is the fucking God who saved your sorry ass from the fire pit and who you let fade away and die. So just take your useless fucking Yoda replica mate and fuck off you ungrateful bitch." I hissed at her.
I saw anger flash into her eyes, and fought the urge to step back, she had been angry the night before but never had I seen her as the deadly predator she was until that moment, her black eyes focused solely on me. "Be careful what you say about my mate Isabella. I like it as little as you do. Jasper is my maker, my brother, my commander, my coven leader and so much more, my loyalty is to him and for that alone I would do nothing to harm you, because I and my mate both like you we have tried our best to become your friend despite how you cause the Major pain. We have tried to be understanding and make you see that he is your mate. There is nothing my mate and I would not do for him. I am sorry I said the things I did, it was the only way to make you see and accept that he is your mate and to help you understand how he sees himself."
"If you and your mate wanted to help you should have kept him from falling prey to the Pixie, you should have killed her before she neutered him. If he were at all useful he'd have known she would bury him alive, he should have known I was his mate before the Seer and Mind Reader started their manipulative games. The two of you owed him everything and did nothing to help him! Better you had left him to die!" I hissed at her, still to quiet for the people near to hear, but we were drawing some attention now standing, glaring so angrily at each other on the sidewalk.
I could see sadness edge in with the anger, "If there was some way to help him after we got him away from there we would have. He was lost. He locked that part of himself in a cage. The Pixie seemed to help him for a while. We were desperate. Anything to make sure he lived. And then it was to late. He'd have killed us if we attempted to go after her."
"You owed him that much."
"Maybe." She sighed. "But we cannot change the past Bella. Please. We have become friends these last weeks, and I have very few of those. I do not want to lose that. I especially do not want bad blood between us dividing my mate and I from the Major. I have only said what I have to try to push you. I am grateful to him everyday and loyal to him above all others. Maybe you're right and Peter and I ought to have tried to do more but you were not there, we did not know what to do. And you are here now, please, try to understand why we are so desperate for you to accept him, to love him."
I sighed as well, fresh tears biting my eyes, "You don't know me Char, don't know anything about my life. This is not easy for me, I don't know how to reach him, it hurts to see him like this and I don't know what to do, I'm just not strong enough to keep fighting him when he will not fight for himself."
"Please don't give up on him. Just try to understand Bella, all those things I said, they are what he thinks of himself. Everything you have said about him he thinks to. He has never felt worthy, never felt good about who he is or who he has been, he is lost and all he feels is pain and self-loathing. It is not how I think of him, I love my brother, have always loved him. I'll go, let you and Victoria spend the day together but Peter and I cannot give up on you. You can hate us but giving up on you is giving up on Jasper and we can't do that so we'll push him and you, both, until we find a way to help make it right."
"I don't hate you Char and I don't want you to leave. We're still friends." I sighed and hugged her, "I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me. This last month everything has changed and it's been so hard. I'm trying though, please forgive me."
"Let's just spend the afternoon together, three girl friends, without a care. All of this will be there when we get home, just for the afternoon lets forget it all." Vicky finally spoke.
I nodded and pulled away from Char to smile at her, "I think that is a good plan. Let's get some clothes for Italy. I need something fabulous but comfortable to die in."
We all laughed and began walking down the street.
"First, lunch. You didn't eat much this morning." Vicky, ever the mother hen reminded me. I swear she's going to need to find something else to coddle once I'm made a vampire or she'll suffer some kind of empty nest syndrome and try feeding James. It's amazing how she can be such a scary badass vamp and a loving slightly overprotective mother hen of a big sister and a strong, confident, sexy mate to James all in one.
"Hey Vicky?"
"Yes Bella?" Vicky responded looking through a shop window at a cute pair of patent leather red peep toed heals.
"How do you do it?"
"Do what? Do you think those are cuter than the red ones we saw last month at Saks?"
"No the Saks ones are better, those are to, I don't know, typical. I like that the inside of the Saks ones had no side leaving your arch visible, they're more distinct, plus I think the heal was higher and James loves it when you wear really high heals. I can't wait to be able to walk in them, my balance might be better but not four or five inch heals better."
"Yes, you're right, lets keep walking. You were asking?"
"Right, well, I was just wondering how you balanced yourself."
"In heals?"
"No, in your mind. I mean you have so many different sides, my sister and protector, James' mate, scary badass vamp from Maria's army, you don't lock away any part of yourself the way Jasper has."
She made a small thinking noise, "I suppose I just haven't had to. Life for me was hard but I was lucky, I had the memory of the Major to get through the dark days, and the General was very kind to me, I was lucky to have been gifted to him and not one of the more sadistic of Maria's upper guard. Also, I had James after leaving her. Life became less of a war-crazed blood bath but I was still utilizing the badass vampire skills with him, after the battle things changed but it was not immediate. I was not fighting my nature, I accepted what I was as part of who I am and have continued to change and adjust over time; growing from Maria's creation to your sister with many steps in between. Even becoming James' mate, it was a gradual change; we evolved together, the greatest change to our lives and attitudes having been only in the last five years that we have been with you. You've changed us Bella, just like you changed the Kings and the witch twins. Your soul reaches out and touches ours healing some of our scars and teaching us to open up and love. Jasper didn't have that. He went from a man to the blood baths of Maria's armies and became a ruthless killer. Over time his soul, his honor and valor shone through the darkness. When he left there, he tried to become the man and leave the vampire behind as he had left the man behind while faced with all that death. What he failed to recognize was that while the man had been buried in him, he had still been there, in his honor, his mercy all the things that made him legend he does not see. All he sees is the death, the blood and bodies of the thousands and all he smells is the sickly sweet of burning newborns. So he locked away the vampire and the Seer took advantage of this broken God. Now he is her creation, the broken being he became fighting against the animal inside of him instead of balancing man and vampire. For James and I the balance was towards the Vampire until we met you, now it is towards humanity. Jasper refuses to balance vampire and humanity, losing all of himself in the process. Both man and vampire still exist in him, though right now the fear of what he was is blocking out the good of what he was so the broken shell remains. Until he accepts all of himself he cannot be the man you need him to be. I wish I could save you that pain but he must fix the broken pieces himself before you can heal him as you have helped to heal the rest of us."
"What if he never does?"
"I'm sorry." Char finally spoke, having really heard all Victoria said, and seeing the truth in it.
"For what?"
"I wanted you to heal him. I thought if you would just accept him and stop pushing him away… Victoria is right. The Major refuses to let all of the pieces of himself fit together, without accepting all of himself… Victoria is right… I saw only how he was hurting, how you hurt him, not how he was hurting you. I just, don't know how to help him."
"I'm sorry. We were not going to talk about this. Let's just get me a sandwich at the market on the next corner and then we can go look at those red heals Vicky wants, maybe we can find me a pair for when I wake up all graceful and unbreakable."
"Yes. We should look at getting you those Louboutin's you love."
"Which ones?" Char asked, a note of sadness still tingeing her voice.
"Classic black pumps with the softer pointed toe like the Elise four-inch heals," Vicky recited from her vast vampire memory, "size seven and a half."
"I also really like those blood red strappy suede ones we saw a while back at BCBG."
"The Kruz Oxblood Suede with four and a half inch heals. Perfect choices." Vicky beamed. Let's also get you that knee length black dress, oh and the charcoal strapless, we should also get you a red one."
"You seem like more of a jeans and tee girl to me." Char mused as I bought my sandwich.
"Usually I am unless there is something going on in the castle which is often and the Kings like me to be more formal, generally they like girls in dresses and don't like jeans, they can all be very old fashioned sometimes. I don't mind really. It's nice wearing such pretty clothes sometimes, just not when it comes to school or the cabin. I'm not big on fashion. Neither is Vicky really, we just find what we like and wear that. Sometimes it's expensive but more often then not its midrange. I love Aritzia and Abercrombie for most of my clothes, Jacob is great too."
We spent the afternoon shopping and let ourselves forget all our problems entirely. No classes, exams or mates to worry about. It was heaven. We stopped for pizza for me, we made it look like it had been shared and chatted for a while before heading back home. The boys were still out so I went up to bed. It was unusual not to see James at least once and I wondered what he had been doing since the morning before, since he always told me before he left over night to do work for the Volturri or hunt but was to tired to think to much about it.
The next day I woke up to find only Peter, Char and Jazz in the cabin. "Morning." I smiled at Char.
"Morning. Sleep well? I turned on the coffee maker like Vicky showed me when I heard you get up." Char said coming into the kitchen with me.
"Yeah, I slept good thanks. Where are Vicky and James? I haven't seen my brother in two days."
"Is that unusual?"
"When he's not out working for the Volturri, yes and he always says goodbye and calls or texts everyday, usually more than once."
"He went hunting with Victoria." Peter said. I wondered at the cold tone he used with me, maybe Char told him about the useless Yoda comment I made. He was usually so friendly with me, not that I saw him much, he was usually off with Jasper. Who was sitting with his head between his hands, I rolled my eyes at him, not that he could see as he was staring so hard at the floor, and turned back to my coffee.
"Breakfast?" Char asked, softly.
"No, thanks."
"Victoria said to feed you, she and James wont be back today." Peter said, his tone still cold.
"I can feed myself, I don't need a baby sitter so if you don't want to be here then fuck off." I snapped at him. I was not a morning person and his tone was getting to me.
"Thought you reserved the bitchiness for the Major."
"He's not the Major, or haven't you noticed the difference with your head stuck up your ass over the decades since the Pixie showed up?"
"Watch it little girl. I am the thing of your nightmares."
"You have no idea what's in my nightmares Captain." I sneered the title.
"You don't know enough to have real ones to fear." He mocked.
"Get out." I turned to look at him coldly.
"I know you'd like that but I don't really give a damn what you want. We're here as long as the Major is and in case you haven't noticed the bitch act isn't pushing him out the door."
"You have no idea what I want you arrogant prick." I snapped at him. "This is my house so fuck off and get out!"
"Make me!"
I threw my mostly empty coffee mug at his head, he caught it easily, "Vampire sweetheart, the Major might let you push him around but you'll have to do better then that."
"Fine, stay." I shrugged and went back upstairs. I took my keys and leather jacket and went out the back ignoring Char, I climbed on my bike and kick started the motor, I pulled on my helmet and shifted gears, Peter had come out the side door.
"Running away now?" he taunted.
"You won't leave so I will. My brother will track me in less than a day."
"Bella, please."
"Char, you know as well as I do, there is nothing I can do. My mate would have gone back and killed Maria, he would never have been a plaything to the Pixie Seer Bitch and he sure as shit wouldn't sit there and mope while we both suffer. With him as my mate, I should never have felt fear from another because there is none who do not fear him. The Major will either curl up and die or stay lost in that fucking broken shell, either way I can't stay here and watch it." I snapped the visor down and took the break off my bike.
It didn't take James a day to find me. Char called Vicky as soon as I left and a couple hours later, they were with me our bags already in the back. I left my bike, calling to have it towed and got in the SUV with Vicky and James. It was just the three of us again, as it had been for the last several years but nothing was the same now. With each mile that passed, I felt my heart break a little more. I cried every night, soundless tears for my mate and myself, two souls far to broken. James changed our flight so after two days of driving we flew into London. From London we flew to Italy. We spent the night in a hotel and the next day I pulled on my strappy white wedges and a pretty knee-length summer dress and we drove to Volterra. I had barely eaten, I felt more broken than I ever had been before but I felt relieved as we passed the gates into Volterra, I was home.
We went straight to the throne room; I followed closely behind James, Victoria's arm wrapped securely around my waist. I bowed with them when we reached the thrones. I wasn't sure if the collective gasp was do to the paleness of my skin and the dark sunken in look of my eyes or my less than enthusiastic greeting of my family. I didn't look up to see. I just stood, head bowed, leaning into my sister.
"Kitten?" I felt Caius pull me into his arms and I hugged him tightly, unaware of the few silent tears that escaped until his cold fingers wiped them away.
"What happened?" I heard Aro demand, his voice had lost it's overly polite friendly tone, replaced with one most often heard from the brother who was hugging me and murmuring soft words to me in the long dead dialect of his youth.
"She left her mate." James told him, I knew his eyes had not left me though. They rarely had since I climbed into the SUV and we began to put miles between my mate and I.
Another gasp amongst the crowd, "Everyone out." Marcus' normally bored tones were replaced with the same hard command that Aro was using.
I shifted and looked to the left of the dais where the thrones sat, "Alec? Jane?" Instantly they were at my sides, Caius let go of me and I was safely wrapped in the arms of the twins, one supporting me on either side. I felt the odd current that connected us when we first walked hand in hand back in the woods in New York after we had acknowledged each other as true family. I hugged them tighter, needing their silent support the most.
"Tell us." I heard Caius demand.
"I don't know." James sighed, "I've never heard of true mates who fight the bonds."
"He is lost, perhaps to broken to heal. They both suffer and it makes each of them suffer more to see the other hurting. Unless he reconciles all parts of himself, he cannot heal and she cannot reach him. She couldn't breathe; it was more painful to her to see him like that, then to walk away from the bond." Victoria told them.
"It is still there, as strong as it was when I last checked." Marcus informed us all.
"Yes, and she suffers, I wonder if it is worse or better now but she left him, it was her choice as he is her mate so we support it." Victoria told him sadly.
"We should change her. Then she would at least not suffer physically. This can't be good for her." I had not realized Demetri stayed until he spoke.
"She looks like she's lost weight, her skin is so pale and her eyes, how long has it been?" Chelsea to had remained with us.
"Four days." James answered her.
"It looks more like weeks since she ate or slept. Though it has been so long, I suppose I could be mistaken. Are they so fragile? Demetri is right, we should change her now."
"No." Caius sounded sad though his voice held a note of finality.
"Why not!" Alec demanded in a tone I had never heard from him.
"She'd likely not survive it." James sounded so tired.
I wanted to speak but I was so tired and they sounded far away, instead I just hugged Jane tighter.
"What can we do?" Jane's voice trembled, while I had never heard the anger and force in Alec before, neither had I heard this scared, childlike fear in Jane.
"Try to get her to sleep and to eat. She needs strength. Remind her we love her and need her. So she has the will to live." Victoria told them, her voice as tired sounding as James' had been. My family was suffering; I was causing them pain. I decided right then I would get better. I would eat even if the thought of food turned my stomach and I would try to sleep, to find peace enough to rest.
"I'll make something for her." Demetri broke the silence that had descended, "Her favorite pasta and capresi salad or steak, some protein might help."
"I think we should start light, when she's caught a cold she has soup and after she's been sick, she eats light foods that she calls bland, toast usually and sometimes scrambled eggs."
"Soup takes a bit to make but I can start one for tomorrow and we can give her eggs tonight." Demetri sounded almost relieved to have something to do.
"I'll go get soup from a restaurant and she can have eggs and toast for breakfast." Chelsea added.
"Should we find him and bring him here? If she is worse now maybe we should just let her be angry later. Even if she hurts seeing him maybe it will help?"
"The bond has not changed, I don't understand. It's not weaker at all. Shouldn't it weaken? Bonds break or weaken all the time. Of course, not with true mates but then I can't recall ever even hearing of mates leaving each other, not unless one had died and then the bond changes."
"Let's get her settled in her room until she can eat, maybe she'll sleep." Caius suggested, breaking through his brothers musings, which had become to fast and low for me to really hear.
"Someone should stay with her, in case she needs anything. I'll not be long getting her dinner. I'll leave right now."
"I'll come and get fresh ingredients for a proper soup for tomorrow and to cook for her when she starts to get her strength back. Fresh bread, she loves fresh bread."
I needed to think, to find calm within myself. I knew I could not find that lying alone in my bed. The nights had been the longest, laying alone in the dark, at least the days were filled with the passing scenery as James drove. I felt, empty, not happy or sad or angry, just empty. I had once accused Jasper of feeling nothing but what others felt; now it was like I had left all emotion behind with him from the moment I got on my bike.
"Our place." My own voice sounded far away, sort of detached. I wondered if I had even really spoken aloud until I felt myself being shifted away from Jane. Alec bent and lifted me into his arms, Jane's hand resting against my ankle.
"No, she stays with me." James protested as they began to walk out of the room with me.
"Let them go James, they can help her." Aro spoke gently but his voice held a note of command.
"No. Please. I swore I would keep her safe." I hated how broken he sounded; hated that I was the reason he was in pain.
"I'm safe J. I just need peace. I need to be alone. I'm ok." But we all knew that was a lie, "I'll be ok." I corrected, "I just need a little time. Let me rest. I'm safe here. I just need to be alone now, for a little while. Please."
"Ok pet." I felt his cold hand run over my cheek and his lips on my forehead. "You rest. I'm here if you need me. Vicky too. We love you so much."
"Love you too. Both of you."
"Eat ok. Please just try." Victoria added pleading more than demanding, as was her usual tone.
"I promise." I wanted to smile to reassure her but I couldn't. I just lay my head into the crook of Alec's neck. I felt an answering squeeze in Jane's delicate hand on my ankle.
A moment later and I was in the garden, settled on the grass by the pond, between the twins.
"Why does it hurt so much? It never hurt like this when I left him the first time. I barely even know him. We have hardly even had a conversation." My eyes never left the still pond as I spoke my voice low as though not to disturb the peaceful quiet of the garden.
"You did not hurt before because you did not accept or even recognize him as your mate, nor him you. Now your soul recognizes his and cries out to him. You have seen into his soul and left a piece of yours with him."
Jane continued her brothers thought, "Knowledge of each other will come with time. True mates souls are bound together, the love is instinctual and instantaneous, even if you do not recognize it, it is there."
"True mates aren't the only form of soul mates there are. Jane and I are twins, we share a large piece of each others soul but we also share a part of us with you as you share a piece of you with us, and James and Caius and all those you love with such fierce and unending loyalty. Because we share that bond, we suffer when you suffer as you feel pain when we hurt."
"You cried for our past and we would cry for your present if we were capable."
"It hurts to breathe." I told them, "It hurts that the rest are suffering with me. Today, I hate that they love me."
"We do not like to be apart, there is an ache in our chest, a part of our soul that is missing. We do not choose to be apart, do not choose to separate by an ocean and it is rare Aro has sent us apart from each other, and never so far. You have chosen to separate the part of your soul that resides with your mate. It is why it hurts to breathe." Alec told me, gentle and wise as always, running his fingers through my hair in comfort. "All who love you feel bad to see you hurt, feel helpless to make it better. There is no one for us to hunt, torture or kill. You healed the parts of us that were broken but we do not know how to heal you."
"I could not heal him." I bit back tears. "I didn't even try." And there it was, the truth behind this darkness tearing through my soul. I had bitched at him, I had ignored him, I had pushed him away at every chance; Peter was right, all I had done was try to chase him away.
"Did you try to heal us? Did you set out to change James and Victoria or the Kings?" Jane asked me, her hand rubbing soothing circles in my back.
"James and Vicky saved me. They changed over time because I was a human and part of their lives and because they had promised to protect me. We came to be a family over time. It's not the same. With you, yes, I tried to be your friend."
"You tried to be nice to us not to heal us sister. It is not the same."
"He's my mate. He's broken and I just pushed him away, bitching at him and calling him weak." I reasoned with them.
"You voiced your pain and frustration. There is nothing wrong with that Sister. I would have done more than voice my pain. I would have made him feel it. I would make him feel your pain if he were here." Her voice had turned dark.
"He is the one who suffers Jane, what I feel is nothing next to it."
"What you feel is never nothing sister." Alec's hand went from my hair to around my shoulder, squeezing me in a sideways hug in the same moment that Jane's arm tightened around my waist to hug be from her side.
"I just left him. I left him to suffer alone."
"The other two, the Captain and his mate, are they not there with him?"
"It's not the same."
"No, its not."
We sat in silence for a while longer, the only clue to time passing the subtle darkening of the garden as the afternoon sun crept from its highest point towards the west creating ever deepening shadows. Eventually I drifted from this meditative state into sleep. When I woke, I was on my bed and dawns earliest light was beginning to touch the sky. Caius sat unmoving in the corner.
I sat up to look at him in the predawn gray as he spoke, "In living years I am perhaps only a year or two older or perhaps even younger than you, yet I have existed many centuries. Never in all that time have I wanted more than my wife, my brothers and our rule. Then you came and became like a daughter, I had never thought to want. There is little out of my power to give you. Wealth and power are yours. Any who hurt you would suffer before their existences ended in the fires of hell. There is nothing that I can think of I would not do for you and so it is the first time in all my existence I have felt powerless. All of my power and wealth is useless to help you. I can only sit here and watch you suffer."
"You promised me two trips to your tower. Let's watch the sun rise with Athenodora." I slid off the bed and instantly I was lifted into his arms, the wind rushed past us and in only a minute, I was set onto the cold stone floor of the top of his tower. The pink had barely become visible in the distance as I settled against the wall. I felt Athenodora beside me before she ran her hand over the top of my head and kissed my hair. The three of us watched the sun rise in silence, the two of them, arms around each other, standing still as statues and myself sitting, leaning against the stone of the tower.
The sky turned pink and orange as it rose up over the horizon. It was a new day and somehow it brought with it new hope. I turned and saw them standing, arms around each other, sparkling in the early light and smiled. I could see the relief in their eyes and the venom pooling in Athenodora's. I jumped up and went to hug them both.
"I love you." I whispered to them before pulling away and leaving the tower. My feet were cold against the stones. Luckily, I didn't have to go to far before Demetri found me.
"Figured you'd be up there when you weren't in your room. How about some breakfast?"
"An omelet?" I asked smiling at him.
He looked surprised for half a second before smiling back at me and swinging me into a hug. "An omelet it is. I also made you fresh bread and Chelsea found some homemade preserves that Gianna assured her were the best. I also made a nice soup for later and started a Bolognese for when you feel better with that fresh homemade pasta from that little shop that you love in town. I got fresh garlic, tomatoes and mushrooms that I can put in your omelet."
"Sounds great." I told him as we walked to the kitchen together.
I ate less than half the omelet, though Demetri still seemed pleased I had eaten at all. He was chatting as usual but he kept looking over at me like he was afraid I would fall apart on him at any second, I smiled at him in reassurance when he did. The pain was still there in my chest but I refused to let them suffer by seeing me as I had been the last five days.
Chelsea came in while I was eating and hugged me, watching me with the same worry as her mate. I tried to get her mind away from it by asking her about her upcoming wedding which worked, though Demetri was still sending me worried glances.
When I finished, I walked with her towards my room. "We'd like to have it in the winter after you've had some time to adjust but it can wait until next Spring as well, or you know, the date is not really important, if you were to put off the change a few months, or the year."
"I'm not putting off the change. At the end of the summer I'll be turned as planned."
She seemed to hesitate, "Whatever you want Bella. It is entirely your choice. Now I am off to get some lunch for everyone. You came a few days earlier than we expected and we normally eat the day before you arrive so Aro wants everyone well fed. Hurry to your room and remember not to leave the quarters of the main guard unless it's to the throne room or with one of us. We don't want any scares with visiting vamps or poorly controlled underlings. Also try not to free my snack if you pick from today's selection or I might accidentally ruin your favorite meal while my mate isn't looking." We both laughed and I hurried towards the hall of the guard quarters, knowing she would wait until I was down the hall and up the stairs around the corner before leaving.
I slipped into my room and showered, pulling on my silver ballet flats and a white cotton summer dress. I checked the time as I left my room, it was still only eight in the morning; luckily, vampires didn't sleep so I wouldn't be waking anyone. I went to see James and Vicky first. Their sighs of relief at my obvious improvement were audible. I could still see the worry in James' eyes and I knew he saw through the mask of my easy smile. Demetri had worried I would fall apart again, I had seen it in his eyes, James knew I wouldn't because he knew nothing but my will to continue through the pain had changed, I was still broken, still hurting. Nothing but my mate would heal me and he was a broken shell slowly dying by his own self-destruction.