If I'd been thinking the night before, it probably would have run through my mind that the next morning would be awkward. I should have gotten mad at myself and told myself about Colin. I was dating Colin and I was not supposed to be sleeping—albeit only sleeping—with anybody else. Wow, when did I become such a whore?

I should have realized how awkward it was going to be…I should have but didn't need to.

I woke up before Quil. Startled by the fact I couldn't move, I thrashed around a bit then immediately regretted it when he began to stir. My surroundings whooshed back to me and I didn't want him to wake up. It felt too perfect…

His hands clenched a few times and his head buried itself in my stomach again. He mumbled my name before blinking awake and looking up at me. He looked more than a little shocked to see me there when he questioned, "Claire?"

I just tried to smile, "Hi Quil."

A grin spread over his face and he hugged me tighter before putting his head back down. "Hi." Nothing could be awkward when it involved Quil, seriously!

Emily was the one who walked in then, handing us both plates with toast and eggs on them. "Quil, you're gonna want to get up. Sam went out running with the others already. He mentioned that you shouldn't be too late."

That elicited a loud groan from Quil. "Emily, I don't wanna go!"

"I know, honey, but you should anyway." Hugging me tight one last time, he pushed himself up, downed the food in two bites then ran toward the door. He sent me a grin as he disappeared through the screen door.

Emily sat down next to me, crossing her legs and asking nonchalantly, "Have fun watching the movie last night?"

At her curious gaze, I laughed and stuck my tongue out at her, "Oh shut up!"

She laughed along with me before getting serious, "So…do you like Quil then? I thought you already had a boyfriend…"

Sighing, I set down my food before I really had a chance to eat it. "Yeah, I've got Colin…but…but I like Quil! It's weird I feel like I've known him forever and he's so nice and he makes me laugh so much. It's just so easy being around him. And he's starting to make me think that Colin isn't such a good idea and then I have these random thoughts that I should be with Quil instead! It's so hard because…being with Colin is nice but it's a challenge. I have to work to fit with him but with Quil…Being with Quil is like breathing."

We sat there talking of my dilemma for the remainder of the already half-gone morning. She didn't actually tell me what to do, not that I really brought up the idea that I had a decision, but she was a great listener. I just felt the need to get everything out. By the time we got up and I put on some clothes for the day, I felt better. The confusion was worse but those warring feelings had settled to grumpy old housecats instead of savage lions. I wasn't sure how I was ever going to manage without Emily when I had to go back to school.

I needed everybody here so much already.

"He likes you, just so you know. I realize you probably don't see it but…he really does," she reassured me before standing up to get her things.

I went with Emily to pick up Abby and Harry from preschool. We drove over to see Billy after that. He and Emily began planning some sort of gathering. I caught the words "bonfire", "food", "Friday", "legends", and "truth" while entertaining Abby and Harry outside, without letting them get muddy. That was not a simple task, let me tell you.

And while they didn't get dirty, I couldn't say the same for myself. While grabbing Abby and swinging her away from a puddle, Harry made sure I lost my balance and fell right in. My scream drew Emily and Billy to the screen door and uproarious giggles from the two perpetrators who got me into that mess.

Mock glaring at them, I pushed myself up and crossed my arms, "All right, that's it you two! I am walking home!" Their laughter immediately halted, though I heard Emily's in the background. Hiding my own smile as I turned, I grabbed my purse then I walked up the driveway and onto the road. I didn't know where I was going but I was on a reservation—it wouldn't be that hard to become un-lost.

It was beautiful out there, really. I couldn't get over how it didn't matter where I went in La Push, I found something gorgeous to look at. Even Emily's house was stocked with pretty people to look at. Ok, it was official. I really was becoming a whore. Ignoring the mist that was perpetually falling around here and my newfound whorishness, I kept walking. I found that store Sue had mentioned and the high school.

Out of nowhere, I decided that I was going to wander around until I found Quil's house. He hadn't really told me a whole lot about it. I knew that it was across the rez from Sam and Emily's, it was right next to his parents' and that it was blue. Now, bearing in mind my aforementioned navigational skills, one can guess how well my search went.

It took a few hours, but I did find it. And I found that I liked it. It wasn't huge but it wasn't tiny either. It was…cozy? I couldn't explain why but I liked it. His parents' house was blue too, but I knew it was his by the car parts littering the inside of the open garage. Smiling to myself, I went up his driveway and looked around. The door was open. The small radio shoved into the cleanest, least oily spot on the workbench was also on, playing rock music.

A song I liked came on, so I reached over and turned it up a bit before looking at the car, motorcycle and numerous four-wheelers. The motorcycle confused me for a minute. Quil hadn't said anything about owning a bike. Perhaps it wasn't his. He had mentioned that his garage had become his, Embry's and Jake's makeshift shop.

I knew nothing about four-wheelers. Nobody in Maryland had them. They were illegal to drive in cities anyway, so I didn't look at them. I didn't really understand the point. Just get a car. Around here it rained too much for four-wheelers. But the cars, the cars I knew.

Of the two or three cars in various states of repair, one of them seemed to be the latest to be getting cared for. The poor red Mazda had its innards strewn about the floor. Setting my purse down, I rolled the sleeves of my now muddy hoodie up and began rummaging through parts. There was a brand new part box on a bench containing a crank shaft. It was for a Mazda. About then, I noticed the to-do note on the mini-fridge. Underneath the word 'Mazda' it proclaimed the vehicle needed the new crank shaft installed, tire rotation, sparkplugs 2 and 6 replaced, and new transmission fluid.

I could do that.

I still haven't the faintest idea why, but my hands took over after that. It had been awhile since I'd fixed a car but I'd always loved doing it. After finding a greasy sweatshirt that was undoubtedly one of theirs, I pulled it on and got to work. I was absently singing along to the radio when I heard a car pull up in the driveway next door. I continued installing the sparkplugs.

It wasn't until an older man walked in calling, "Quil! Quil?" that I was startled enough to stand up too fast and hit my head on the block. I don't recommend doing that.

Letting out a silent scream of pain, I raised a greasy hand to my forehead and turned. "Umm, he's not here..."

The man looked at me with a confused curiosity. He looked like a smaller, graying Quil except his eyes were wrong. The face was right, wrinkled but right, but the eyes weren't the same. I guess Quil had his mom's eyes. "Who are you?"

Realizing my mistake, I was in his son's garage without permission and without knowing anyone but Emily and the guys, I stuck out my free hand, "Claire Allen, I'm Emily Uley's cousin."

Comprehension swept over his face, "Oh, ok. Billy was just talking about you. If you don't mind me asking, what're you doing here at my son's?"

Fighting embarrassment, I explained tentatively, "Umm, hiding from Abby and Harry actually. Quil had told me about his place and I figured he wouldn't mind, so…"

Quil's dad's gaze made me feel like I was being weighed or something. He wasn't judging me I didn't think but he was…considering me. I wondered what for. Finally, he nodded, "Oh, I'm certain he won't care, Claire. When he comes home would you mind sending him next door? I've go a couple of things to talk to him about."

"Sure," I answered with a smile. Whatever test he had given me, I seemed to have passed, which made me oddly happy. What did I care if Quil's dad approved of me? I hadn't even met Colin's parents yet, nor did he seem in a hurry to introduce us.

"Thank you." With that he turned and left. He and Sam were similar. Kind but no nonsense and when there was nothing left to say they were quiet. I was finding quite a few people around here like that… It must be the mind-reader thing.

A while later, just as I was beginning to search for a jack, did a hand grab my shoulder. I screamed, shooting bolt upright, my head coming in painful contact with something that gave a nasty crunch. I spun around and saw Quil there, holding a now bleeding nose. I felt the color drain from my face, and yet I smiled because he was there. "Oh my god! Quil did I hurt you? I'm so sorry!"

He just laughed, despite red blood dripping through his fingers. "Jeez Claire, I fall asleep on you once and this is what I get."

Rolling my eyes at him, I tried to pry his fingers away, "Oh shut up, you know I didn't do it on purpose. Did I break it?" There was a lot of blood and I swore I heard a crunch. He just shook his head, though, and when he lowered his hand his nose was fine. The bleeding had even stopped after about thirty seconds.

Ok, that was weird.

Sensing my bewilderment I guess, he grabbed my hand and helped me out of the maze of parts I had gotten myself stuck in. "So, what're you doing?"

"Fixing the Mazda. Where's you guys' jack?" Laughing that cute, amazing laugh that made me all tingly, he pointed to a spot maybe six feet from the car. Pursing my lips and putting my hands on my hips I nodded, "Oh. That sneaky little bastard. I've been looking for like ten minutes."

Quil just rolled his eyes and didn't comment. His smug grin made it so he didn't really have to. He just walked over and hauled it out. "What're you doing next?"

"Transmission fluid. I hate that stuff it smells so bad." He just smiled at me as I got down and crawled headfirst under the chassis. "Oh yeah, your dad wanted to talk to you. He said to send you over when you got back."

I could hear his frown. "You met my dad?"

"Yeah, he was looking for you and found me. Why?" I pulled myself out again, looking up at him from my back. He sounded odd and I was suddenly worried.

At my apparent anxiety, he seemed to shake himself, "Oh, oh no reason. Just…just…I'm gonna go over and see what he wants." He practically sprinted from the garage to get away from me.

I got the sudden urge to cry. What had I done? Maybe it was kind of creepy that I showed up at his house? What if I had freaked him out? Why was Quil suddenly running away from me?

Colin did it a lot and it always felt like a stab in my chest. I was always doing things wrong. I wasn't good enough at his games. I was running around in the pouring rain. I was tripping over things. I watched too many Disney movies. I was too emo. My hair didn't look nice enough. My drawings were too horrible. I didn't kiss right. I wouldn't let him touch what he wanted. I wouldn't go with him to Oregon. I wouldn't stay in a hotel room with him so we could have sex.

All my faults were always followed first by yelling and then running. He would just get up and leave…as soon as he got to a place acceptable for saving his game.

My heart was beginning to have such clearly different definitions of Colin and Quil that any overlap hurt. It didn't matter that Colin was my boyfriend and Quil wasn't. I liked what I had in Quil. And what I had in Quil was at the very least a friend that didn't run from me…until now.

I stared forlornly out the door for awhile longer, wondering what I had done and fighting tears, before shaking my sense back into my head and getting back to work. The ratchet in my hand and transmission above me calmed my mind and banished the emo thoughts. I was having too emotional of a week. It was bound to bubble over sometimes.

It was a long time before Quil returned. I had finished everything and was rubbing my hands with oil-removing soap when he sauntered back into the garage. His weirdness from earlier had vanished. Brown eyes sparkling, he snuck up behind me and playfully tickled my sides. Laughing, I tossed my oily rag back in his face as a defensive maneuver.

"Don't you remember anything, Quil? Be nice to the midget!"

He gave me his most innocent, pouting face, "But this is nice." I rolled my eyes at his wide grin. Grabbing my hand, he led me from the building. "Come on, I wanna show you my place."

His house wasn't huge but just like the outside had seemed, it proved cozy. Nothing was too big or too small and nothing was too bachelorish either. Blue was a recurring theme, which I liked. Everything seemed to have a place, and a couple of foot radius in which it was also acceptable. It was so Quil…so perfect.

He was showing me his bedroom when his stomach suddenly growled. I laughed and pushed him good-naturedly, "Damn Quil, don't you even remember to feed yourself? Come on. What do you have for food in this place?" I snatched his hand and dragged him into the kitchen.

Like any man, he responded with intelligence and clarity. "Uh, the normal kind."

Rolling my eyes, I opened his fridge, "Well, what kind of normal food do you want to eat, because I'm going to cook you some."

"You don't have to do that."

"I know. If I did then you'd be paying me and I'd be working at some horrible restaurant. The fact that I'm doing this for free hints that I don't have to do it. What would you like?"

He smiled, "Whatever you want to make."

"Well, I want to make whatever you want to eat so pick something."

"I'm not picky. Just make something at random," his face was smug as he bickered with me.

"I'm not going to make something random because you might not like random," I fired back, eyebrow raised.

"Oh, Claire Bear, you're not winning this one. You're picking whether you like it or not."

I stood there, facing him in the middle of his kitchen, paralyzed. He'd just called me Claire Bear. He'd called me Claire Bear before. I knew he had. Not while I was here the past few days though. I just somehow knew. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was right. Quil was the one that I'd been waiting for to call me that. He was the one that made Colin's version sound wrong. It was Quil!

I had no idea why this was such a big deal to me but I still couldn't move. I was trying to wrap my head and my heart around this. It was Quil. I was Quil's Claire Bear.

"Claire, are you ok? Claire, what's wrong?" As a hundred emotions washed over my face, Quil had stepped closer, concern becoming prevalent. "Claire…?"

Suddenly unable to do anything but smile, I launched myself forward. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I buried my face in his chest. I began crying. Don't ask me why. It was like knowing that made something snap into place. I know it sounds stupid to start crying about only finding out who began a nickname but it cemented something. It cemented Quil. Quil was a part of my life now and I didn't ever want to leave him and the rest of my family again.

How could a single name—term of endearment even—mean so much to me? I guess it just went to show how pathetic my social existence had been up until then. I was just aching for someone to love me and my heart remembered a connection between the name Claire Bear and someone who would love me. Maybe not romantic love but…

Then why had it felt wrong when Colin called me that? I was dating him. That meant that he should be the one loving me. What was wrong with all this?

Quil was stuck standing there holding a crying woman, clearly confused and freaked out. He asked hesitantly, "Claire, why are you crying?"

Finally pulling away, I looked up at him as I tried to wipe my eyes, "Don't worry about it. I'm just being stupid." I smiled, "So now just stop arguing and tell me what you want to eat."

Curiosity and the urge to push me further as to why I was crying and leaving well enough alone warred with Quil's usually tranquil features. The latter won, "Spaghetti?"

"Spaghetti's a great choice. Do you like mushrooms?"

He shook his head, words still tainted with confusion, "No, not really. They made me sick once and I haven't eaten them since."

After I had finished cooking, and Quil made sure everything tasted acceptable, we ate what was left in his living room. We sat on the floor, using his coffee table to set our food on.

We talked like we had at the beach the day before. It was just this interminable small talk that would venture into deeper things and find no awkwardness awaiting it. I explained to him the situation with my mom and for the first time ever didn't become angry enough to begin braiding. I didn't have to defend myself or justify why I did what I did or why I felt like I felt. I was just talking to Quil: no pressure.

"Yeah, so I ended up going to prom by myself. Tyson, from calculus club, decided that he needed to get some more extra credit that was due the Monday after. He did stop by to give me my flower at least. But he got the wrong color. My dress was green and he bought an orange flower." I laughed at the familiar story of my senior prom but Quil's face was confused again.

"Why would he choose calculus over you?" I felt my face flush. It was a nice feeling of embarrassed though. "But," he continued, "wasn't there anyone else to take you?"

Turning away from him, hiding my reddening face, I busied myself with fidgeting with my shoes lying right beside me. I had long ago removed them and my socks. "No, all my other guy friends had dates already and nobody else was going to take me." I elucidated sarcastically, "As hard as it is to fathom I wasn't exactly popular in high school."

Quil shrugged, "Oh, I wasn't either. Though I did almost get my ass kicked by a senior for hitting on his girlfriend."

"Ooh, Quil was a ladies' man, huh?" I smiled but it made this part of my chest pinch. I didn't want to think about Quil having other girlfriends. Wait, no. I wasn't his girlfriend. I didn't want to think about him having…ummm…fine, any other girlfriends.

I was being horribly selfish but I couldn't help what I felt. I wouldn't let myself like Quil like that and yet I didn't want anyone else to have him either. If that isn't one of the cruelest, most narcissistic things a person can feel then my mom wasn't evil.

He laughed with me but he sent this expressive, heavy gaze at me when he answered, "For a bit but…there was this one event that kind of made that stop. I haven't dated anybody in a long, long time."

My relief made my shame feel that much heavier. Before I could tell it not to, my mouth said, "That's too bad."

There was a loud, not quite awkward silence that hung in the air for a few moments. I wouldn't look up from my clean plate but I knew he was staring at me. Those gorgeous brown black eyes were directed straight at me. I just knew it.

"So, what happened with the prom?" Quil broke the silence, saving me from venturing out of my convalescent silence. "And what do you mean that nobody else would go with you?"

It was surprisingly comforting to resort back to my petty, pathetic high school stories. I shrugged, looking back in his direction again, "I went by myself. It wasn't horrible. I only fell down twice in my heels so I was proud of myself." I tried to give him a fake smile, one of those you put on to make people think you didn't mind something when it really actually hurt like hell. He didn't buy it. That I was under the impression that my Colin pacification smile would work on Quil just shows how stupid I was.

"What about nobody going with you?" He was pushing this question and the initial comfort I had in my past memories faded fast. The funny stories, what ones there were, weren't bad to tell. I liked making Quil laugh. His laugh made me smile. Quil's happiness made me happy. It was a fairly simple direct relationship. One goes up so does the other. But why was he making me go into the not so funny stuff?

"Because outside of calc club and physics club and every other nerd club I was in, no guy knew that my name wasn't Squaw. Everybody always just called me Squaw. Only a few people called me Claire."

I saw the anger filling up his eyes. "It wasn't mean or anything," I cut in to calm him down, the lie unintentionally apparent in my voice, "I didn't mind that much." He wasn't saying anything and the silence was too tense for me. I just blathered on, "Colin's called me it a few times, too. It's not a big deal." It didn't work.

I was a bit worried. Quil was shaking now. No, it was like he was vibrating. I couldn't understand how it was possible but the only way I could describe him was that his form, the lines defining him, were flickering. His eyes had closed and there was a look of extreme concentration on his face.

Hesitantly, I reached forward and touched his arm. My voice held unintended fear, "Quil. Quil, are you ok?"

His hand almost immediately covered mine, squeezing my fingers. The action seemed to ground him. He was his old self as soon as he opened his eyes again. He felt guilty at my fear. His smile made me feel better, but it didn't stay long. The smile faded but his face somehow softened, too.

Ever so slowly, he slid my hand down his arm and then laced our fingers together. Our skin was almost the identical shade. My nail polish was the only difference in anything but size. His hands were rougher, slightly calloused whereas I had artist's hands, smooth except where my pencils rested. They seemed like two pieces of a puzzle. And now that they were put together, everything was right again.

I looked at our hands intertwined, too content to acknowledge they shouldn't be. When I shifted my eyes upward again, Quil was staring where I had been. Time ceased to exist in those moments. I honestly couldn't say if we sat like that for a few seconds or a few hours. It didn't really matter.

When he looked back up at me, my breath caught and my heart sped up. His eyes were deeper and intense and more focused on me than I had ever seen before. It felt like he was staring right into me. Then suddenly, he grinned. "Claire Bear, I'd never call you Squaw. You're way too beautiful and amazing and I love you too much."

I don't know if it was his words or how he suddenly leaned forward heading straight for my lips that made my heart soar. A smile formed out of nowhere on my mouth. The seconds dragged by in slow motion as he got closer and closer. A war was breaking out in my head.

Half of me was screaming, "Claire, you whore, you're dating Colin." The louder half shot back, "Fuck off! I want him to kiss me!"

I could feel his breath on my lips when he paused for a second, looking up to catch my eyes. I think I smiled again. His own smile widened and he began to close those last few centimeters…

Then the front door burst open, followed by five tall, shirtless Quileute guys. Exactly who I wanted to see at that moment! We flew away from each other, me smacking my knee on the table in my scramble to get up. What I had just done came fully crashing down upon me.

Oh, my God! Claire, you're such a slut!

After I exclaimed, "Shit!" when I hit my knee, there was complete silence. I mean pin-drop and fly cough kind of silence. If anything, I think everyone could hear my heart pumping all the blood into my cheeks as I blushed furiously. Quil looked caught between ecstasy that hadn't worn off and brand new mortification and livid annoyance.

Predictably, I began braiding. My fingers had flown down my hair from scalp to tips when Jacob, after scanning from one of us to the other, said with a failing straight face and what I assumed was supposed to be a casual, conversational voice, "H-hey Claire. What's up? I heard you fell in the mud today."

The laughter was beginning. I could sense it. I didn't find it funny. I felt so horrible that their chuckles made me want to throw up. In a flurry of motion, I snatched up my purse, shoes and socks and sprinted for the door. I didn't even bother to answer. Tears were pouring down my cheeks before I hit the porch.

I was sobbing when my feet touched down on the muddy road.

How could I have just almost done that? I had never been that kind of girl. I didn't cheat on people. I was such a whore. That wasn't me. I hated cheaters…with a passion! I was becoming what I hated. When did everything get so damn confusing?

As I ran, I grasped for my phone. After powering it on, I found the screen displaying a message saying I had three missed calls and twenty-four unread messages. Hitting the speed dial for voice mail, I began listening to Colin's first message.

"Hey Claire Bear… Oh, yeah, sorry. I forgot you don't like it when I call you that. Sorry. Uhh, I got bumped out of Halo 2 today, but I guess that's not really important. I-I miss you baby. I know I was mean to you before and I shouldn't have yelled. We were both upset. I shouldn't have called you a bitch, no matter what you said. I was…was…I was wrong. I-I admit it. It's my fault. It wasn't right of me to scream at you like that. And-and I should have respected your decision to stay in Seattle. If you don't feel comfortable staying in the same room with me, I shouldn't have pushed it. I don't think there's anything I've actually done right in the last couple of days. It's taken me a little bit to figure it out, I know but I've fixed it. I know what I did. I won't do it again, I promise. Just, just please stop ignoring my calls and my messages, honey. I want my cutie Claire back. …I need you so, so much, Claire. Well, I-I guess bye. Please, please text me or something."

All the others were like that, in varying degrees of sorrow and begging. What little self-esteem I had at that point plunged down into the mud puddles I was running through. I burst through Emily's front door, still sobbing hysterically, my sides heaving. I dropped my purse and shoes and collapsed straight onto the floor.

Immediately rising, Emily ran over to me from where she had been cuddling with Sam on the couch. Their painfully obvious and irreversible love for each other just made me ache more. She wrapped her arms around me and asked what was wrong. I couldn't answer. I just held onto her for dear life and cried.

I was dating Colin. He was sweet and he needed me. I was with him. Him, not Quil, him! But…but Quil was so amazing and perfect and effortless and cute and just so…right in every single way. He fit me. And…and he loved me? I couldn't decide if that made me ecstatic or slightly scared.

Why did everything have to be so damn hard?