"Claire, are you absolutely sure you're all right?" Aubrey asked me for the twelfth time since she'd returned from her home for break a week early. It ended up her mom had wanted her back but not quite that much. I'd been a lot quieter than usual, practically mute, and she apparently noticed.

She was looking at me with concern from her bed as I sat on the floor leaning against a Halo-playing Colin. He didn't mind as much now. He'd been much nicer since he'd found me at Emily's. I'd asked—once we returned and I was in a non-sobbing state of mind—how he'd found it. Apparently the waitress who said I looked like Emily directed him when he stopped by for some food on his way to get me back. I kept strongly telling myself I was glad she did. He still played video games but he didn't ignore me as much, for which I was grateful. It made my heart feel better about running away from Quil.

There I was being all worried about him running away from me and I was the one that left without a good-bye…

"Yeah, I'm fine. You still want help with your organic chemistry report?" I asked, blatantly changing the subject. She'd notice and she knew exactly what I was doing but I didn't care.

Blue eyes narrowing, she shook her head. "No, it's fine. I still have a whole week to do it. We all still have a week to do whatever…" She wanted me to go back. I'd told her everything about my stay, excepting the werewolf and imprint thing. I figured that they didn't want me to tell anyone about that. I cared about the guys all enough that I wasn't going to do that to them, even if they now scared me to death.

Aubrey was convinced that I had made a mistake, which I didn't understand. She was the one who had set me up with Colin. He was her friend. Why was she trying to get me to go back to Quil?

I made sure the silence from my lack of answer was loud and clear. She was wrong. She had to be. I was not going back. I was with Colin and I was happy. He'd even taken me out to dinner the night before and we came back and had a Disney movie marathon. He didn't ignore me for video games and aliens on Halo weren't more important. I was loved and needed again, right! End of story…

"So, how long is Aubrey going to be gone again?" Colin asked as he saved his game and put up the controller. I shrugged as he joined me on my bed two nights after Aubrey had accused me of needing to go back. She had left the day before, disappearing on a mysterious errand she was too mad at me to explain.

"She said she'd be back tomorrow, I guess." I was in the middle of drawing something on a spare piece of paper so I didn't notice that he was effectually pulling his shirt off before lying down next to me. "Why? Do you need to call her or something—what the hell?" He'd snaked his arms around me and was then trying to lay me back on my bed from the sitting position I'd had.

Smiling at me, he said, "You know, she's not here so we've got plenty of alone time…"

"And this right here is supposed to make me excited about that or something?" Generally, he didn't just spring undressing himself around me. If it was summer and stifling hot I could understand but why was he shirtless and now straddling me?

He chose not to answer and instead very forcibly, I guess 'passionately,' pressed his lips against mine. That pretty much turned my thought process off. It had been awhile since we had had alone time and after all my heart confusion it was so, so nice to be able to just kiss somebody. No worries and no thoughts and no guilt. I just wrapped my fingers in his hair and fell into his kiss.

At least for that initial split second…

Some part of me was longing for and missing that butterfly-filled excitement that Quil had caused when he tried to kiss me. It missed not being able to breathe. It wanted that contentment that came from knowing that Quil loved me.

Claire, stop being ridiculous! Colin loves you, too!

I let myself hide from myself in making out. Colin was far from a bad kisser, at least I thought. I had no one to compare to. It didn't feel bad, that was for sure. I ignored the fact he was still on top of me.

I ignored him until I felt my shirt being unbuttoned. My eyes shot open with surprise and I pushed Colin up. "What are you doing?"

He laughed this dismissive little laugh that was supposed to be sultry, "Calm down, Claire. Don't you like it when I kiss you?" Wriggling my jeans down even more, he smirked up at me as he attempted to make out with my hipbone and still pull the pants down.

"NO! Get off me!" I snatched my jeans back up and scrambled away from him. I looked at him with horror. What the fuck did he think he was doing? We hadn't even talked about this yet!

He became suddenly very angry. "God dammit, Claire! What am I supposed to do? You're mad at me so I apologize. You don't like what I do so I change. Can't I get something out of this deal? A guy needs something every now and then, Claire! Don't you know anything?"

I had to braid my hair just to keep from slapping him. "No, no apparently I don't! I was mad because you were being a dick and you weren't good to me! If changing was such an imposition why didn't you just break up with me and let it be without the effort?"

His long bangs flew up as he yelled, "Because I thought you might be ok, that's why!"

"Then why was Call of Duty always more important than me! And I've never had a boyfriend before! I'm a virgin for God's sake! We haven't even been dating for a full two months and you want to just jump me? You just don't do that!" I pushed him all the way off my bed this time.

"Well, you also don't completely write off all physical contact with the person you're dating just because you've never done it before. You have to learn somehow, Claire!"

Obviously, he'd never heard of Google. They will teach you anything.

Now suddenly fighting tears, I asked, "Colin, do you love me? Honestly, are you in love with me?"

He stared at me like it was the stupidest question I could have ever asked him. "What kind of a question is that? We've been dating less than two months! How could I love you?"

I was biting my lip so hard trying not to cry that it began bleeding. "Exactly, you don't love me. You want to make love to me without actually loving me. There's something wrong with that, Colin. And…and I don't love you. I'll never love you. I'm sorry but you need to leave—now."

Twenty minutes later, Colin was long gone and I was sobbing into my pillow filling Aubrey's voicemail with what an idiot I'd been. What struck me was that I wasn't crying because Colin and I had broken up. I was sobbing my broken heart out because I'd lost Quil.

Now that I was faced with the prospect of being all alone I realized that I didn't give a damn if he was some weird supernatural werewolf thing who had liked me when I was little. I couldn't believe that it had been in a creepy way. I loved him. I was crazily in love with him! But not because I didn't want to be alone. I missed him so much. I wanted to be hugging him while sobbing my eyes out. It was what felt right.

I had fucked up my only chance.

I'd walked away and there was no going back now. I'd eaten my cake and now couldn't have it and all it was giving me was emotional indigestion.

line

Sleep wasn't easy and wasn't fun. I kept chasing after my chocolaty Quil wolf and he kept running from me. I couldn't catch him and he never looked back to even glance at me…

New thoughts about the guys being werewolves were now eating at me. I'd been terrified of them but apparently they hadn't been scary enough to kill me when I was little. And why would I have good dreams about wolves that scared me? If they were bad why would I still dream about Quil? I still didn't understand how they were what they were but I realized that they couldn't be evil. That just didn't make sense. And I had gone and called them monsters…and mental patients.

Four forty-three was what the clock glared at me. I waited a bit and four forty-four came a lifetime after. I'd completely given up on even attempting sleeping. Now I just stared at those neon green numbers and repeatedly and incessantly told myself what a dumbass I was. Finally sighing, I pushed myself up and turned the light on.

Grabbing my Advanced Ecology Principles book, I settled down to do some unassigned end of the unit questions. I was caught up in all my classes but I loved this course. I'd been working ahead for a while. It felt good to read the questions and hunt for answers that I actually knew and wouldn't cause blubbering and heartache.

By a cruel decision of that bitch fate, the second chapter I came to focused on effects of carnivore groups. The principle example was wolf packs. I saw the first picture of a gray wolf standing serenely with a forested background and I broke down all over again.

"God dammit!" I screamed, hurling the perfectly good textbook across the room. At that point, I was so mad at myself that I wanted to make myself suffer. I deserved everything for how horrible I'd been. I deserved every unhappiness. Every tear was mine all mine.

I got up and went to the TV. I grabbed Tarzan out off the shelf we used for DVDs. I popped it in, hoping it would make me realize even more profoundly what a dumbass I was. I was halfway through blubbering pathetically along with the words of You'll Be in My Heart when I remembered. Everything that had ceased to exist about myself and my early childhood came whooshing back in a dazzlingly painful clarity.

I remembered making Quil watch this movie over and over. I remembered singing it so loud he had to cover his ears. I remembered wrestling with him on a couch. I remembered him tucking me in for naptime. I remembered ganging up on him with Embry and Jake. I remembered finding my rock at the beach. I remembered smashing a muffin in his face at breakfast one morning. Well, that explained my love of muffins. I remembered him taking my hand before we crossed the street. I remembered making him dress up like a princess with me at my birthday party. I remembered smearing the glittery make-up all over his face.

I remembered him being the perfect big brother. Nothing more. No creepiness.

I also remembered my mom telling me we were moving away so I wouldn't be around him. I understood now why she was so frightened of Washington. Quil was why she hadn't wanted me to go to college here. She thought that I needed to be protected from him…like he was going to hurt me or something.

And after fifteen years I had given my mom her wish. I would never get to be with Quil. Except now it hurt so much more because he wasn't a brother anymore. He was the man I was hopelessly in love with. He was perfect and I'd blown it.

I was so stupid. After all the kindness they had all showed me why hadn't I at least stuck around to hear them explain? And Quil…Quil would never do anything to hurt me! And I had just declared them all freaks and ran. What was wrong with me?

With still more tears pouring from my eyes, I eventually fell asleep watching my favorite movie and thinking about my favorite person.

"What…these….Claire's? No…freshmen don't…advanced classes…" I heard a vaguely familiar male voice laced with confusion from my half-conscious state. Someone had turned the light on…or was that the Sun? It didn't matter. Whatever it was it was bright and should be turned off. I buried my head deeper into my still wet pillow.

As I was pulled unwillingly from sleep, I understood the answering woman's voice more easily. "Didn't…tell you? She's got the credits of a junior. She only has two more years unless she wants her masters'. She's got the highest IQ I've ever seen. I tricked her into taking one of those tests because I'm a psych major. She scored a 152. That's like Einstein level."

"She skipped that part."

Who I now recognized as Aubrey laughed, "That's not surprising. For some reason she thinks she's some kind of freak…Colin didn't help with that. She's lonely a lot. She tried to deny it but her family situation hurt her more than she let herself know."

Tension flicked on like a switch. But not just tension, it was anger. Another man's voice broke in, "Come on, Aubrey, let's go. Quil can take it from here."

I could hear the smile in her voice, "Ok, Embry. Here, I'll show you the cafeteria." She sounded genuinely happy, as did Embry once I thought about it.

But then what Embry said registered… Quil was here. I was going to have to face Quil again. I couldn't decide if that was utterly amazing or terribly terrifying. I held onto the guise of sleep for a bit longer before looking around to see Quil sitting on the end of my bed.

He'd known I was awake. I could tell. Sniffing back tears that had welled up again, I said simply, "Hi…"

"Hey, Claire bear." I couldn't tell what was going on inside his head. His expression was a blank page and I was getting nothing from it.

The profound silence that was threatening to engulf us continued on, growing in strength. Biting back my fear, I looked up and said "I'm sorry" at the exact time he did.

Our eyes caught for the first time and a smile swept across his face. That tiny little smile made my heart soar. It made all my fears and doubts vanish. Quil had smiled ere go, everything was all right.

I opened my mouth to contest that he had nothing to apologize for but he beat me to it. "Claire, you shouldn't feel sorry. Claire…there was no reason why you should have found everything out like that and it was the last thing I wanted. It killed me to see you hurt. I know it's weird and crazy and impossible but I love you and I would never want to hurt you. I promise you."

Sighing, he let his head drop into his hands and he plowed on, "Maybe if you'd been around it would've been different but this was no way to tell you. And I knew you had a boyfriend. I shouldn't have pushed this on you. It was selfish of me. I just… I just love you so much, Claire bear. And, I promise when you first came back, I didn't love you that way. It was just like back then. It was brotherly but then, you were…well, awesome and it changed to me being in love with you…"

Scoffing at him, I interjected, "Quil, there was no reason why I couldn't have just stayed put and listened to you explain it to me. Not that Emily isn't a good source or anything, but it's you that I love and I should have heard it from your mouth before running off without even giving you guys a good-bye!"

He started, growing hope in his eyes, when I said love. But he then frowned, ready to defend me against myself again, when I shook my head, scooting closer to him on my bed. "Quil, I've trusted you my whole life. I should have actually acted on that trust for once in my life."

"Whole life? But it's been fifteen years, five months, twenty-one days since you moved away. How—?" He blushed at my raised eyebrow at that last comment. I just laughed before taking one of his hands in mine, so I could look at it and not him for my next confession.

"You never left me, Quil. Not really. You know how I said I used to dream about wolves and everything….Well, there was this certain dark brown wolf that never stopped coming into my dreams. You were always there on my birthdays and Christmas, when I was sad or upset. You were always there for me."

He stared at me so intently that I became self-conscious. There was too much intensity after such a confession.

Finally, he broke the silence since it seemed I didn't have the guile to. "Claire, you do understand—know that…back then I didn't…it wasn't like that kind of love, right?"

"Of course! I-I know that's why I freaked out at first but," I laughed at myself self-deprecatingly, "I kinda watched Tarzan and had a few memories of my early years come back to me. I'm so sorry I dressed you up like a princess!"

He laughed his genuinely happy Quil laugh that made my heart take flight. Wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me in for a hug, he sighed, "I love you, Claire. So much. And not because I have to or anything. I love you because you're you and you're perfect."

I leaned into his embrace, his words being exactly what I'd been aching to hear my entire life. I looked up at him and met his gaze with mine full of happiness I knew. "Quil…I love you, too."

His smile never once faded as he ran one of his impossibly warm hands down my cheek. Without any hesitation or even a care if someone walked in on us this time, he leaned down and gently pressed his lips to mine. I was only too happy and love-struck to kiss him passionately back.

Being loved by Quil every day and getting to kiss him and be held by him whenever the fancy struck one of us became the sun in my sky and the gravity of my world. I wasn't going to ever let him go. I pure and simple loved him too much.