"Harry Potter and the Casino Royale"

By Loki Palmer

Author's Note: I want to give a big thank you to everyone who reviewed – your reviews were, in fact, the first I ever received as an author and I was so happy for them! I am glad you like this story and I hope to keep everyone entertained as we go along. Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and Casino Royale belongs to Ian Fleming and Columbia Pictures.

If I wrote Harry Potter, Harry would end up with Hermione, the genius who saved his life countless times, not with Ginny Weasley, the red-headed fangirl who looks like his mom! Check out the appearances of Lily Potter (née Evans) in the Harry Potter movies, especially the younger portrayals in the Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows: Part II, then try to tell me with a straight face that there is NO similarity in appearance between her and Ginny Weasley. Seriously, Sigmund Freud would have a field day dissecting the weird Oedipus complex there. And Hermione Granger, smartest witch of Harry's generation, with Ronald Bilius Weasley, the Troll-Brained Comedy Relief? Come on!

Okay, enough of my ranting. On with the story!

Chapter 2

Ginny Weasley looked up from her desk to see Harry standing before her. "Hey, Harry," she said. "Have you been up to your usual death, destruction, and mayhem again?"

Harry smiled. "Ginny, how could you possibly think so lowly of me?"

"Harry, we both know your record speaks for itself. As much of a nightmare it is for the Ministry to clean up your messes, I bet it's an even worse nightmare for any woman who tries to keep up with you."

"Oh, come on, Ginny! How could any woman keep up with me? You'd think I would be too much for any woman to handle, right?"

"You certainly are too much for me," she said. After the Battle of Hogwarts, the two of them had a brief period of dating, only to find out that they were better as just friends, so the break-up was amicable on both sides. "There's only one I can think of who can handle you – Hermione Granger."

Before Harry could reply to this, a sharp Scottish voice barked over the intercom, "Miss Weasley! If Potter is here, send him in now!"

"Right away, M! She sounds mad, Harry … what did you do this time?"

"Apparently, I've been up to my usual death, destruction, and mayhem, Ginny," said Harry as he entered M's office. "Have a nice day."

~[James Bond riff]~

"Ah, Potter, you're finally here. Have a seat." As soon as Harry sat down, M started on Harry like a dog on a chew toy. "What do you have to say for yourself? You blew up an embassy trying to get your hands on a lead, killing said lead – WHAT, IN MERLIN'S NAME, WERE YOU THINKING? WE WANTED HIM ALIVE FOR QUESTIONING! WE DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KILL HIM!"

"At least, it's one less bomb-making Muggle around."

"Yes, but we wanted to know the people BEHIND HIM!" M yelled, slamming her fist on the table. "You never seem to think of the big picture, do you?" Harry hung his head in apology, and M's face softened just a slight fraction. "That being said, however, you managed to uncover a plot to blow up an airplane prototype out in Miami, and put a stop to it, which is to be commended. Also, we managed to find a person of interest in all this – he was betting that the airplane company's stock would plunge, assuming his plot succeeded. The man's name is LeChiffre, although you may know him by a different name."

M passed a manila folder to Harry, who opened it and skimmed the contents. "I don't believe it!" he said. "Lucius Malfoy? He's working with Muggle terrorists now?"

"Quite so, Potter, and since he's lost so much on his foiled airplane bomb plot, he's set up a high-stakes poker game at Casino Royale. He stands to gain as much as 40 million Galleons in the game. Considering that you're our best player, we'll be sending you in to make sure he does not win, and if you succeed, he'll have nowhere else to go."

"Well, it sounds like I have my mission, and once again, the fate of the world lies on my shoulders," said Harry, as he thought at the same time, "Oy ... Where's a martini when I need one?"

"Yes, indeed, it is. Stop by Q branch on your way out, Potter. Finnegan has a present for you."

~[James Bond riff]~

"Harry, long time no see! How have you been doing?" asked Seamus Q. Finnegan.

"I'm doing great, Q. M said that you have a present for me."

"Oh, aye, that I do, and I have to tell you, Harry, she be a beauty of a present."

" 'She'? Whatever could you possibly mean, Q?"

"I mean your new car, of course," said Seamus, uncovering it. "She's an Aston Martin, with all kinds of gadgets: rocket launchers, guns, a button for Onstar service in case a disaster happens – trust me, you will need it."

"Oh, ha, ha, you're a regular comedian, Q." Harry did pass his driver's test, but for one reason or another, the bills resulting from his record of destruction within a vehicle were such a headache for the Ministry that it was unwilling to insure his cars anymore. If his Uncle Vernon saw the aforementioned destruction, he would have a coronary on the spot.

Q continued his description. "It also has beverage holders, a medkit, many more gadgets, and a special feature just for you."

"Really? Q, you shouldn't have! What is it?"

Q tossed him the keys. "Go on, turn on the ignition."

Harry did so, and was shocked to hear a sultry female voice say, "Oh, Harry, you really know how to turn a girl on!"

Harry looked at Q. "How did – how did you get Hermione to do the voice for this?"

"Oh, Harry, it was easy. I told her it was to help improve public safety."

"Q, we know there is no such thing as safety where I'm concerned, even when you're involved."

Q laughed, "You know what's really funny, Harry? She said the exact same thing to me!"

Harry joined in the laughter. When the both of them calmed down, he asked, "Is there anything else you have for me before I leave?"

"Oh, yes, M did ask me to inject a chip in you." Q did so, as Harry deadpanned, "Ow."

"O, stop whining, Harry. This way, we'll be able to keep an eye on you and your location. As far as your new car is concerned, we'll take care of transporting it out to Montenegro for you to meet you as you get off the train."

"Thank you, Q." Harry patted the car, saying to it, "I'll see you later, Hermione."

The car said back, "That you will, Harry, that you will."

As Q watched Harry leave, he said to himself with an inward groan, "Something tells me that in spite of all my efforts, I won't be seeing this car again ..."