"Harry Potter and the Casino Royale"

By Loki Palmer

Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. Casino Royale is the property of Ian Fleming and Columbia Pictures.

Chapter 7

Finally, Harry and Hermione had some time to themselves to just relax over a candlelit dinner. For drinks, Harry ordered two of his special drinks (3 measures of Tanqueray gin, one measure of Stolichnaya vodka, half a measure of Lillet Blanc, shake until cold, and add a thin slice of lemon peel) – one for each of them. Hermione, sipping it, said to him, "Wow, Harry, this is a good drink – what do you call it?"

With a heart-melting grin on his face, Harry said, "I've just come up with the name – it's a Hermione."

"You're kidding me!" said Hermione laughing. "Now, why would you call it that?"

"I call it that because it's beautiful, Hermione, just like you are."

Hermione blushed. "Thank you, Harry. You're sure it doesn't bother you, all this death, destruction, and mayhem?"

"It doesn't bother me in the least, Hermione. As you know very well, death, destruction, and mayhem follow me wherever I go. What kind of a 00 agent would I be if I let it bother me?"

"You wouldn't be a very good 00 agent, I agree," said Hermione with a chuckle.

"Are you sure you can handle a guy who lives on death, destruction, and mayhem, Hermione?"

"Yes, darling, I'm sure. I've been around you for at least seven years of death, destruction, and mayhem at Hogwarts. Harry Potter – you have treacle tart for dinner and Death Eaters for breakfast."

"Hmm … I want to ask the waiter if you're on the menu, so I can eat the treacle tart AND you."

"I'm afraid I'm not on the menu, darling, but you certainly can't eat me here, that's for sure. We'd have to move to the hotel room for that, right?"

"On the contrary, I can at least make a start here and see where it goes, Hermione," said Harry, leaning in for a kiss. Before their lips could make contact, though, her cell phone rang. They both thought, "BLASTED BLOODY CELL PHONES!"

Hermione looked at her cell phone. It had a text message on it. After reading it, she said, "It's Ron. He wants to see me about something. The Magical CIA is moving in on LeChiffre. Have a good night, Harry … I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"Good night, Hermione." A few seconds after she left, he thought, "Just a minute … Ron Weasley … HERMIONE, WAIT!" and ran out after her. Unfortunately, as he came outside, he saw a couple men grab her and shove her into a car, screaming.

Harry pressed a call button on his car keys, and his car came. "Harry, what's up?"

"It's Hermione … she's been kidnapped!"

"Harry, buckle your safety belt and put all trays and seats into the upright positions. Let's go!"

The tires squealed as Harry screamed, "HEIGH HO, SILVER! AWAY!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAW!" screamed the car in a most unladylike fashion.

~["The William Tell Overture" by Gioacchino Rossini]~

A couple minutes later, they found Hermione, bound and gagged, on the road. Unfortunately, they were going too fast, and the car, swerving to avoid Hermione, ended up spinning over several times, landing upside down in a grassy field.

Fortunately, Harry was still alive, as LeChiffre and a few of his men came to drag him out of his ruined car. One of the men reached in with a wrench and plucked out his locator chip, and gave it to LeChiffre, who crushed it, saying, "I'm afraid that your friend Ronald Bilius Weasley … is now MY friend Ronald Bilius Weasley."

Harry blacked out …

~[James Bond riff]~

… When he came to, Harry found himself strapped to a simple chair with nothing on.

"Quidditch has really been very good for your body, Mr. Potter," mused LeChiffre. "It's a shame, because when I'm done with you, you may hardly have any body left."

"So, LeChiffre, what do you want?"

"It's very simple, Potter. You and your Mudblood girlfriend managed to get some money from me, and I want it back. Now, Miss Granger will probably give me the account number, if she hasn't already. What I need from you is the password. You give me the password, and I'll let her live. Give it to me soon enough, she may even leave in one piece."

"And what if I don't give you the password?"

LeChiffre swung up a knotted rope to hit Harry on his rear, eliciting a scream. "I'll torture the password out of you one way or another."

"I'm surprised you aren't threatening the Cruciatus on me."

"Oh, you were expecting the Cruciatus? That was a standard of my old master, but the problem was that if a person is exposed to it for too long, they can go insane, rather like – Longbottom's parents. With Muggle methods like this knotted rope, I can keep the torture going for a merry amount of time. You have to appreciate the irony of me, a Muggle-hating Pureblood, using their methods, right, Potter?"

"Yep – but you still aren't getting the password." LeChiffre struck him again. "Hey, Lucy – I've got an itch down there … can you scratch it?"

LeChiffre smirked. "Sure." He struck Harry again, who screamed, "NOT THERE! TO THE RIGHT! TO THE RIGHT!" LeChiffre adjusted the rope and struck again.

This last strike brought out a scream – not of torture, but of laughter. "Now the whole world's going to know that the gay Lucy 'LeChiffre' Malfoy spent his last moments scratching my balls!"

LeChiffre's eyes widened. "What do you mean, my last moments?"

"No matter how long this goes, I'm not telling you the password, LeChiffre. Your clients are going to hunt you down and tear you apart like a hippogriff on a piece of meat, and the Ministry will be after you as well if you end up killing me."

"You're wrong about that, Potter. You see, the Wizarding World still needs me and the money I can offer them. They need the information I can offer them. They …"

The door burst open to reveal a stranger pointing his wand at LeChiffre. "So, what happened to the money?" he said in a strong Russian accent.

"I'll get the money, don't worry about it."

"Money not so important to our organization as knowing who we should trust, Malfoy. Avada Kedavra." LeChiffre fell down dead, and Harry, not feeling so well himself, blacked out again.

Over a period of time, Harry kept fading in and out of consciousness. He knew he was in a hospital, but he kept on seeing shapes of what looked to him to be Hermione … with Ron … "No, not Ron, not Ron, anybody but Ron …" he would moan from time to time.

~[James Bond riff]~

"Do you have any idea who it was?" asked Ron. He was relaxing with Harry at an Italian villa.

"Not the slightest clue, Ron. One of his associates, maybe, but I don't know."

"That's odd. Any other information you know that could help?"

Harry's eyes looked at Ron as the temperature seemed to drop. "Help me, Ron, or help you?" Before Ron could even reply, three Aurors Stunned him. "Thanks a lot, boys … take him away."

~[James Bond riff]~

Later that day, Harry woke up to see Hermione propping herself up on his legs and looking at him in wonder. "You're so amazing when you wake up," she said. "Every time, you look at me like you haven't seen me in years. It almost makes me feel … reborn."

"If you'd just been reborn," said Harry with a smirk, "you wouldn't have anything on, would you?"

She looked on him with a smile, and, leaning closer, she said, "You have me there … in fact," she said, leaning still closer and starting to whisper, she continued, "you can have me anywhere."

"Really?" Harry's heart was beating faster.

Hermione nodded. "Anywhere, anytime."

"Even … right here, right now?" They finally kissed, as a bright light shone from the two of them. The kiss would have lasted longer, had it not been for …

"Guten Morgen, mein Herr Potter!" (Good morning, Milord Potter!) called a goblin voice. The sound sent Harry and Hermione tumbling out of their kiss and onto the grass out of the beach chair they were using. The sight set Goblin Burgengold into laughter.

Harry, who knew quite a bit of German, spoke back, "Guten Morgen, Meistergoblin Burgengold. Sein Gold fließe und seien Sie reich. Warum sind Sie hier?" (Good morning, Master goblin Burgengold. May your gold flow and may you be rich. Why are you here?)

"Sein Ärger erschreke Seine Feinde, mein Herr Potter, und ich beglückwunsche seine Frau auch, aber das ist nicht warum ich bin hier …" (May your anger terrify your enemies, Milord Potter, and also I congratulate your wife, but that is not why I'm here …)

"Wirklich?" (Really?) Harry could hardly believe his ears. Goblin Burgengold smiled and replied, "Ja, wirklich!" (Yes, really!)

Harry let out a whoop of joy, and Hermione said, "I understand that there is some good news here, Harry?"

"Hermione … apparently, that kiss we just had married us in magic!"

Hermione's eyes widened … had she heard right? A few seconds later, the news finally got through to her brain and she let out a squeal of happiness, while Goblin Burgengold looked at the happy couple with a smile on his face. "Since I see that Frau Potter does not speak German, I vill revert to my English, if that is allright vith you, Milord?"

"That's fine, Meistergoblin Burgengold. What else is there?"

"I have come all the vay out here to deliver the money that you von in the poker game. I von't be keeping you very long, so, Frau Potter, if you shall enter the account number … sehr gut … now, mein Herr Potter, you can enter the passvord."

"Hermione can do that," said Harry, smiling.

"I can? I would if I knew what it was."

"Hermione, dear, you know what it is … do you want me to spell it out for you?" Hermione nodded. "Very well, dear … H … E … R … M … Y … I … O … N … E."

Hermione looked dumbstruck for a second, then smiled as she said, "Harry, my name doesn't have a Y in it."

"I know, dear, but it was to make it just a bit harder for anyone to just guess the password."

"Vell, congratulations again to the both of you. The funds have been transferred to the account you named. Sorry for the interruption, and auf wiedersehn."

"Auf wiedersehn, Meistergoblin Burgengold," they said. As he left, Hermione turned to Harry. "So, Harry, now that we have the 122 million Galleons you've won, what do we want to do – especially now that we're married?"

"I'd like to retire from the Ministry, see the world …"

"You love working for the Ministry, darling. Why do you want to leave?"

"Yes, dear, but every mission I've done for them, I end up losing more of myself. I want to leave with what little of myself I have left, do you understand me? I want to share the rest of my life with you, if I can, but one of us is going to get an honest job, and I think that'll have to be you. I have no idea what counts as being an honest job."

"Harry, you aren't going to hide away from me again, are you? Are you going to put your armor back on again?"

"Hermione … you've broken my armor. I have none left. Whatever is left of me … all that I am … Hermione, I'll be yours, now and forever."

They both started to engage in a snogging session, which soon developed into more as, laughing, they stumbled their way together into the bedroom …