EPISODE 5 - Sirius and Peter
Hey, Pete! What the hell do you think you're doing, trying to send notes to Snivellus? Unless it's a howler, cut it out! What, don't tell me you're mates with him now, are you? Or are you secretly seeing each other? You're forced to sit with him one HOM class and now you're all chummy? Explain yourself!
It's nothing, Padfoot! I…uh, that is, I just wanted to get some Potions notes from him, you know. Since, um, Remus missed the last lesson because of the moon. All of our notes are rubbish and if Remus doesn't get the notes, how would we, right? But the tosser isn't giving in. I was just trying to get those notes. For Remus. Because he's such a keener. But you know how Sniv is, a right grease ball…
Right, well why didn't you say so in the first place? Geez, you got me thinking that you were trying to CHAT with the twat. That would have been some story, eh Wormy? Mates with Snivellus! HA!
Ha, mates with Snivellus, right. I'm sure it would cheer up old Prongs, eh? Ever since Evans has come around, he's turned into a right female, don't you think, Padfoot?
Right, you are, Watson, old chap. I don't like this feminization of the males these days. It's against the grain of nature, I'm telling you. Pansies, the lot of them. Where has the male backbone gone, I ask you?
Haha. Didn't he send a bunch of roses to her at breakfast the other day? And a bunch of chocolates? I think he's lost it. Completely fallen for her. I always thought James was the manliest of us. I mean, he just looks so good on that broomstick, flying around, hair blowing—
MANLIEST? You think JAMES is the MANLIEST? Come ON, Peter!
Well, not anymore, I don't! Just look at him now! All depressed now that Evans is off in the Hospital Wing. Sorry, Sirius. I didn't think you'd care all that much. Will it make you feel better if I told you YOU were the manliest?
Hmph. I don't care. Not really. Maybe. But probably not. Just a little. Tiny, tiny amount.
Well, even though Prongs has the Evans thing, you have that stuffed cat thing, don't you? I mean, that's pretty non-manly, if I do say so myself. It's basically estrogen packaged into a doll, isn't it? I don't even think most girls do that. So I guess it's babies packed into a doll then.
W-w-what? Stuffed cat thing? Who told you about that? Was it Remus? I'll kill him, that damned wolf! Sworn to secrecy, my arse! I could just—
Moony didn't tell me, mate! Calm down! Prongs showed him to me once, when you were in the Hospital Wing from one of Jenny Hastings' Bat-Bogey hexes. Back in third year. It's not really a secret though, is it, mate? I mean, you all but snog the thing before you go to bed. XOXO and everything.
What in Merlin's socks are you talking about, Pettigrew? I don't SNOG Shnookums, he's afraid of the dark and—I mean, uh, oh SHUT YER TRAP, WORMTAIL OR I'LL GIVE YOU A RIGHT BEATING, I WILL!
HAHAHA Sorry, Pads. I just—HAHA—he's afraid of the dark, is he? Lightning storms as well? I guess dogs really DO love cats—OW! What'd you do that for, Padfoot?
I TOLD you to shut your face, Wormtail. Oh, and there was a fly on your head. Huge nasty ones that suck your blood. I was just saving you from major blood loss and itchy scalp.
Always looking out for me even when I make fun of you. Such a good mate. Thanks, Pads.
Anytime, Wormy.
So, want to play Hangman, BFF?
Psh. Yeah right. Last time I played with Moony, I lost two knuts. And what in the bloody hell is a BFF? Big fat female? Not funny.
I didn't know you could win money on Hangman. BFF = Best Friends Forever. Duh.
Well, you don't normally win money, but Moony and I had another bet going on. Where did you pick up that lame term? Witchs love Wizards Weekly? Don't ever call me a BFF again. I don't care what it stands for.
Okay, I won't. What was the bet about?
Don't worry about it.
Okay, fine. So do you want to play? We don't have to include money, if you don't want to.
Oh, why not! I would rather sleep in Filch's bed than listen to Binns. You want to go first?
Sure! Hmm…Okay I got one. Five letters.
Peter.
DAMN IT! How come everyone can always guess them in one word and I can't? When I was playing with Se—I mean…I just, um, I don't want to play anymore!
Whoa, Pete, calm down! You just make them too easy, mate, that's all. Calm your rodent hippogriffs. What's that about playing with Se—? Who's Se—? Hey, it's not SEVERUS, is it? You weren't playing Hangman with SNIVELLUS, were you?
No! No, I swear I wasn't. I was going to say, um, Seymour! Yeah, my cousin Seymour who lives in…Liverpool! Yes, Liverpool, that's it. It's nothing really. I—um—I don't want to play anymore.
Cousin Seymour, eh?
Yeah, Seymour. We used to play all the time, we did.
If you say so. Come on, Pete. Let's play again. You can go if you want. I promise to guess letters this time.
Oh, alright. Um, okay, I got one. Eight letters.
Oh, give me a break, Pete.
What?
What you do you mean "What"? Pick something else. Merlin's beard!
What's wrong with the word I chose?
SERIOUSLY? Fine. I'll guess letters. Geez. W.
Got the first letter. Keep going.
Should I guess them in order, or mix it up a little?
What do you mean? You KNOW the word already and you're just GUESSING the letters?
Well, you wanted me to guess letters, didn't you? Seriously WORMTAIL, could you make it ANY MORE OBVIOUS? Hm, did I mention that your Marauder name starts with a W and is ALSO eight letters long? Coincidence? I think NOT.
Fine! If you're so good at this stupid game, why don't you pick one?
Fine! Here it goes! _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ / _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ _!
WHAT? HOW IS THAT FAIR? LOOK AT HOW LONG IT IS!
(That's what she said.) Just guess letters, Peter! It's not that hard!
That's what who said? You're confusing me!
URG NEVERMIND PETER JUST GUESS A LETTER FOR MERLIN'S SAKE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE EYEBALL.
OKAY. A.
FINALLY. _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ / A _ / _ A _ _ _ A _!
Only three? Are you kidding me?
Three is a huge number in Hangman! Were you expecting the whole thing to be A's? Keep guessing, Worm-fail. And don't guess in alphabetical order either, else you'll run out of body parts.
…I wasn't going to. …C?
I heard you whisper 'B' under your breath. I'll let it slide.
_ _ _ / _ _ C _ / A _ / _ A _ _ _ A _!
I didn't! …E?
No. That's a head.
…G?
You are so pathetic. I tell you not to guess in order, so you skip every other letter? Seriously, Pete, you're smarter than that. Just guess ANY letter! Pick them out of what I'm writing if you can't remember without singing the whole alphabet! How old are you, anyway? _ _ _ / _ _ C _ / A _ / _ A _ G _ A _!
I'm sorry, Sirius! I'm trying! Y.
There you go! Y _ _ / _ _ C _ / A _ / _ A _ G _ A _! How about some more vowels?
O?
Excellent, Wormtail! Y O _ / _ _ C _ / A _ / _ A _ G _ A _!
U?
You're on a roll like Fat-Mike down a hill! Well done, mate. Y O U / _ U C _ / A _ / _ A _ G _ A _! (Let me give you a hint that there's no more vowels. Move on.)
I don't need your help. N.
…Sorry, mate. Didn't mean to offend. Y O U / _ U C _ / A _ / _ A N G _ A N!
S.
This torture is almost over, buddy. Y O U / S U C _ / A _ / _ A N G _ A N! Do you see it yet?
Should I be seeing it?
…Probably. It kinda sums up this whole conversation in a nice simple package in the form of a sentence. But hey, you still have lots of wrong guesses left. Poor Mr. Hangman isn't even hanging yet. His life purpose might never be fulfilled. And the world will come to an end.
Seriously, Sirius? The world will come to an end?
No, you twat! Just continue guessing if you don't see the words!
Oh, okay. Whew, I thought I'd have to sacrifice Sir Hangman to save the world. Peed my pants a little. …B?
WAY too much information, Peter. No B. There, he's officially swinging.
Oh, pooey. …Did C already, so D?
Back to this, are we? At least I tried. I guess there are more important things than SUCKing ATHANGMAN.
Let me finish! …e…F?
MERLIN PETER. NO. WILL IT EVER END.
g…H?
DEEP BREATH. IN. OUT. PRACTICE PATIENCE. IN. OUT.
Y O U / S U C _ / A _ / H A N G _ A N!
…J?
NEVER. THAT'S WHEN IT WILL END: NEVER. NO J.
…L?
NO YOU MISSED IT. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE I'M LEAVING OR ELSE I WILL DIE IN THIS HELLHOLE AND I CAN'T DEGRADE MYSELF TO THIS HELP SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME MY HEAD IS GOING TO IMPLODE AND SPILL BLOODY BRAIN MATTER EVERYWHERE AND THAT WILL STILL BE MORE NORMAL THAN WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE I'M SCARED ALIENS!
SIRIUS? WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE ARE YOU GOING!
Peter, it's Remus. Where did Sirius go? He looked like a crazed madmen.
Not really sure. We were playing Hangman, but I think aliens abducted him and imploded his brain with matter and put him in hole in Hell where he misses me. Then he just left.
Let me see your notes, Pete.
Here, Moony. This is all of it.
…
See? He's crazy. Maybe we should hold an inter-convention.
Aliens, indeed. Dear Merlin, save us.
Y O U / S U C K / A T / H A N G M A N!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Let's see how many people are still on here...