Quinn

I'm alone in my room, the only place I can cry. And I really mean cry; it doesn't stop until I leave again in the morning, even when I'm sleeping.

I miss my dad, even though he's an asshole, I miss my friends, I miss Finn, I miss Beth, I always miss Beth, I always miss Finn, I don't know what's harder, never seeing the person you miss when you should see them every day, or seeing the person you miss everyday and still missing them.

I can smell the smoke on me still, taste it.

I hate it, it's all an act, sure, I don't want to go back to who I was, but I only don't want to go back because it hurts too much to be the old me.

My hair's a mess, it was much easier to look after my old hair. I wonder if Finn likes the new hair, he probably thinks I look ridiculous.

He used to say he loved my old hair. But I bet he prefers Rachels, lush and dark. I bet he never even really liked my old hair. He probably hates my new hair. I think he hates both.

I'm at the football pitch in the bleachers, and I miss Finn even more, he walked into me yesterday, I tried to be angry but I could smell him, he smells how he used to. Perfect.

And then he looked in my eyes, and it was like he knew me, the same way he used to. He looked at me the same way he did when he held up the picture in his wallet, I wonder if he still has it.

I still have his blanket, the one meant for Beth back when she was his, when she was still mine.

He's staring at me; he's so obvious. I'm trying my hardest but its so hard not to smile, at least he's at the other end of the field; maybe he can't see.

My eyes are sore from crying. As I rub them make up smudges onto my hands, I bet Finn probably doesn't like the way my eyes look now.

Did he ever really like the way they looked? I doubt it. I wonder which he prefers, old eyes or new eyes. I think he hates both.

He's staring at me again; I can see him in the mirror. Why is he with Rachel, he's ignoring her and she's so self involved that she doesn't even realise.

I always noticed, I still do, that's why I'm staring back at him now.

He's probably just judging what I'm wearing, I act so confident but he makes me so insecure when he looks at me like that.

I bet he doesn't like the clothes; he used to prefer me dressing all nice and pristine. Just look at Rachel, she dresses like a 5 year old.

I bet he didn't like the way I used to dress either; maybe that's why he picked her. It doesn't matter whether I dress the old way or the new way; I think he hates both.

Puck is an asshole; he keeps using Beth to get me to change.

Shelby is back. I need to see my daughter but she wont let me. She let him.

Finn would never use her to make me change, he always accepted me, even when I was a bitch, even when I was fat and ugly.

He always found something to love, but now that something is Rachel. I wonder what Finn thinks of the new me; he probably hates her like everyone else.

I wonder if he ever misses the old me? I doubt it. I think he hates both.

I'm crying, Beth is beautiful and Puck looks so happy with her. I feel so alone. This is the first time I have cried in front of anybody since New York. The first time I have cried out of my room. I hate the new me. I need Beth.

I'm not a skank; I'm a mom. I should have never given her up. I need to get her back. I need Finn and I need my baby.

I'll never have Finn. Maybe Puck can help me get Beth back, what's the point of anything without her.

Maybe if I sort myself out Finn will want me back.

Who am I kidding? He's with Rachel.

I bet he wouldn't have even wanted to work at Burts shop, like I told Rachel last year.

I bet he would never want to be with me. I'm such a bad girlfriend.

Fuck. I was a bad girlfriend; I'm not a girlfriend any more.

Scratch think, I know he hates me, the new version and the old. And it's all my fault.

I love him.

He'll never feel the same.

A/n: That's it, sorry it's so short. I hope you liked it. :)