PN (Philip Note): The girls told me to give you this Youtube link here: /watch?v=DfAfPTo-910
Apparently it's essential for understanding a running joke. I don't get what's so funny. It's obvious that dog is just trying to get out of trouble by guilt-tripping its owners with a sad face. Everyone knows animals don't have feelings. God I hate those things.
Oh - oh Din, Irene's ferret heard me say that.
Don't you look at me like that you Satan beast. Don't you come anywhere near me! Get out! Hey! No! NO! BAD SATAN BEAST! STAY AWAY! NO! AH! GET OFF OF ME! BAD! BAD DEVIL SPAWN! AIIEEGH!
~Love (unless you're an animal and especially a ferret), Philip
Chapter 1 - Meet Mr. Poe
Kali jolted awake, dreams suddenly scattering far and wide. She blinked in the dimness, blind without her glasses, but nothing seemed out of place. She reached for her glasses anyway. The apartment was still, and her room was clear of whatever dream-threat had driven her from sleep.
Almost.
The sound of heavy footsteps made her freeze.
The figure came through the wall and her mirrored armoire: tall, medieval, and holding a lantern. Kali paled.
"Alright," he said in a very business-like way, putting his lantern on the dresser next to her old TV.
"Holy shit..." she mouthed.
There was a poe in her apartment. And not just a little purple poofda poe - a big, human, cloaky one. Not that she hadn't known they existed. On the contrary, they did, and their few appearances in history made the headlines and the textbooks. And now there was one in her room, towering and wedge-like with a mop of black hair, with a look on his face like he was about to start a conversation with her. So she did what any self-respecting and open-minded young Hylian would do.
She screamed and threw everything within reach at him.
Her nightstand clattered onto the floor. Her glasses case skittered across the hardwood. Her mug of pens went flying. One pillow, two pillows - the picture frame on her armoire crashed to the ground, and his baseball-sized lantern thunked at his feet.
"That's not really standard procedure for killing a poe," the poe said, kneeling, picking up his lantern and putting it back on the armoire, "but A for effort."
He perched on the edge of the dresser looking unbothered. He was rather un-poe-like, even for the cloaky variety - from what she knew of them and had seen on TV. He was Hylian, tall, plain, dressed in archaic traveling clothes, and a little see-through. But only a little. He was more person than poe.
"So help me if you're a rapey poe I will - I will end you. I will. You stay back!" she squeaked.
Kali believed that now was a good time to grab her slipper off the floor and brandish it, pink fluffiness and all. He chuckled with an edge of superciliousness. It echoed on nothing. He rubbed his brow with the palm of his hand.
"That would be seven layers of incest I don't even want to get into. So, can we just generate some calm and put the slippers down. I am a poe. Woop de do. Get over it."
"The slipper stays and...and...what do you want. Did you say incest?"
Kali was never particularly articulate when half-awake and doubly so when caught off-guard. Gentle reader, do not let this so terribly affect your opinion of her, for she was not at her best just then, and on a good day she is an aspiring and intelligent student in the studies of mythological history.
"You're one of my descendants… Well, actually, the only one," the poe explained with a shrug as though he wished he could skip this part. "Congratulations. So, anyway, I have some important things to tell you."
"Is this really happening."
"Yes."
"For real?"
"YES DINDAMNIT!" he snapped.
She squeaked and let out a tiny, tight-shouldered 'okay.'
He groaned.
"My goddesses. Are you related to Ariel, too? I- this is why I never bothered to talk to you before. But it's important. You're important. Kinda. Sorta. Just hear me out. I've got a deal for you."
"Do I have a choice?" she asked, still holding the pink slipper cocked near her face. Later she would realize how ineffective a slipper was as a weapon, but for now it seemed quite ideal.
"Kinda. So let's get this over with. My name is Vidar. I am your great something uncle, grandfather, cousin something. Okay. I was born in the year of Daltus the Fifth-"
"Wait. That was almost a thousand years ago. Poes don't last that long... I took a class..."
The childish affront came out of her mouth before she could process it.
"Yeah, I know. I've got my reasons and I've got my ways," he shoy back, tapping the lantern on the armoire. It was small, unusually so for a poe, and extravagantly ornate. It was also - with no doubt - stolen.
"So what do you want?" she pressed anxiously.
He leaped from sitting on the dresser up to the foot of her bed.
"People are so rude nowadays! I don't even- can't a man just finish his fucking story? It's not even a very long one!"
She squeaked and bit her lip, ducking her head between her shoulders. He plopped down huffily on the corner of her mattress. It was only then that she realized how outclassed she was, and that this wasn't just a poe; it was some sort of crazy Daltus V-level poe.
"So anyway, I was minding my own business when I was asked this favor. So I - stupidly - decided to do it. I don't know if you've noticed the insurgence of monsters and silly things out of whack - the Wolfos attacks, Death Mountain Crater becoming active, drought in Lake Hylia, blight in the Lost Woods."
"Those are natural disasters. Those happen sometimes," she said before ducking her head again sheepishly. At least he wasn't a rapey poe.
"See, you're a smart girl, but this is Hyrule. What do you expect? 'Oh no, it couldn't possibly be magic. Not the sparklemagic. Anything but that.' Coincidence is never the case in this country. If you want to cut the shit, move to Termina. Hell, try Holodrum; nothing fucking happens in Holodrum."
"Okay, okay, alright, so what sort of mystic sparklemagic is at work, Mr. Poe?"
"Farore is missing."
"Are you serious?"
"It's a right mess. You need to understand, when I get asked for favors, things are bad. Real bad. When things are down to me, Mr. Not-Good-Enough-To-Be-A-Demi-Poe, shit is bad. Do you understand?"
He gave an exasperated, imploring bob of one hand.
"I understand you in theory..."
"Good enough. So, okay, what does this have to do with you?"
The question was strangely unrhetorical.
"I…don't…know?"
"I'm getting to it now, pay attention," he snapped. "You know that string of robberies. The um, private collections?"
"I've read about them in the news."
He snapped his fingers and pointed at her.
"That's part of the favor I was talking about. I've been using you as a battery."
She stared at him with huge cow eyes.
"Battery?"
"Ah, yeah, my grave is sort of out in the boonies and the other power-points are out of the way, so a living descendant is the next best thing. Because a living person can move around... A cemetery can't... Also, I've had to posses you couple times...and need to a couple more times I think."
"What!" she squeaked.
"So the deal is that help agree to help me or... I posses you without asking more," he said, making a guilty sheltie face.
"That's not a choice!" she said, summoning some anger.
"Hey, hey, let's be calm!"
"You just told me you've been possessing me!"
"Only a little."
"And stealing things!"
"Only a litt- okay a lot. But not, you know, with you. Other people do that."
"What sort of undead vendetta are you on," she snapped. "I've read bad biographies like this. This whole Goddess thing is crap. You are crap. You are crap, you know this right?"
"Okay, I'm crap, you win. Moving on," he shot back easily. "The goddess thing is not crap. I am dead serious here. A lot of things depend on us getting things done. I thought it would be an errand I could do in a couple trips. Just borrow a body for a bit and done. No one hurt, no one the wiser, world slightly saved. But it's a much bigger favor than I thought. It's going to take a long time. And I need you on board if its going to work. I'm just a poe, and I can't spend two days on running back and forth to the suburbs of Castle Town every time I need a breather, and my - ah, associates - have recently moved to Lake Hylia City... And that's real nearby."
"So you possess me and then ask for my help. That is so backwards you don't even know."
"I don't posses people against their will... Except when I do... Never mind. It's not something I like to do."
"I'm going to school you know. I can't just...run around a be a poe battery puppet! I don't steal things either!"
"Haven't you always wanted to go on some kind of adventure? You people nowadays live so predictably; you all want adventure."
"No - no. You are crap. I don't have time for this."
"You know, if Farore wasn't missing and it was Nayru instead, it would be Mr. Hero of Time they'd be sending," he pointed out baitingly. "But no, this time it's you and me. This is important. You cannot understand how important this is. And I can't screw it up. If I screw it up, I have to deal with Raer. No one wants to deal with Raer."
"Wait, like, Green Hoody Hero of Time?" she spluttered, still stuck on the first bit.
"No, the one with red hair and the gem on his ass - yes of course that one. Keatons and Dekus."
"Okay... So we really have to save Hyrule."
"Yes."
"From what."
"No one is sure."
"That's...reassuring."
"But its going to be okay. There's a plan!" he chirped, brightening.
She leaned on her dresser and gave him a look. She found that if she just pretended he was a person, she was a little better able to keep a level head.
"Alright, whats the plan?"
"Well the team and I-"
"Team?"
"I'm just pulling strings, other people - normal nice people like you - are doing most of it, and they know even less about what's going on than you."
"Okay," she said, taking a deep breath. "So what have you been having them steal?"
"Old artifacts. Things older than I am. Been getting together a small weaponry cache for when the cavalry arrives."
"Okay. So we're just the middle men 'til the real people show up?"
"Yes. So its not like you...or me...are personally going to save the day. Just helping. So no pressure."
"That's reassuring actually."
"Tell me about it."
"So what is the rest of the plan?"
"One big last heist - last in the foreseeable future anyway. It's called the Rod of Memories. We need it to restore some memories of some people I guess. It shouldn't take too long or be too high-risk, though the planning and figuring out what to do with it afterward could take any amount of time. But you're on break."
"I have a job..."
"Do you want Death Mountain crater to blow? Wolfos running around downtown? A world without Farore and courage?"
"No."
"After we're all done, you'll never see me again. So you in?"
"Yeah, I guess... But since I am, there's not going to be any more possessing me-"