Chapter 6: Denial

I squint through the unseasonal fog, counting my footsteps. One, two, three, four, five and turn. Pacing in the middle of Hogsmead. I daren't walk too far, I can barely see a foot in front of me and I'm clumsy enough as it is. I don't want a broken rib...or perhaps I do, it'll be a good enough excuse to get out of this damn assignment. I don't know why I agreed to it in the first place. O.k., I do, I took it because this happened to be a helpful job for the order, not just the Ministry. Or so I thought.

Death eaters strolling through Hogsmead, now there's a picture! Traipsing around, firing a few killing curses every now and again, causing a ruckus. I should be so lucky. Man, I am bored.

One, two, three, four, five and turn. One, two, three, four, five and turn.

Can you dance like a hippogriff, ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma,

Flying off from a cliff, ma ma...

Great, I'm going to have that stuck in my head now. I need a distraction. I need to stop pacing. I need to go somewhere, anywhere. So I start shuffling along, taking utter most care where I place my feet, letting them direct my travel.

Feet, where on earth are you taking me? I'm outside the town now; the bustling of people has disappeared. It's quiet. All of a sudden, a loud groan fills the air. Ah, so that is where I'm going.

Yes, I can just make it out now. The dilapidated, crooked building looms into view. My feet guide me past the barbed-wire fence, past the signs warning to keep out. I push the door open gingerly, it looks like it's about to come right off the hinges.

I've never been inside the shrieking shack before. I always believed the ghost stories until I met Remus. Oh butterflies. I stand, thinking dreamily of Remus. The sight of fresh, muddy footprints on the stairs jerks me out of my pleasant thoughts. Somebody else is here.

Death eaters? Not likely, but you never know. I pull my wand out of my back pocket and begin to tip-toe up the stairs, which is apparently impossible because every other stair creaks. I feel the building swaying beneath me- I feel nauseous. The footprints lead all the way up to the third floor. The door to a would be bedroom is wide open. I ready myself, gripping my wand and pounce into the room.

Wonky floorboard. Ouch. I daren't look; what if it is a death eater. I wait for the pain of a cruciatus curse or death. Or both. I stay on the floor, my knees and elbows throbbing. I hear someone step towards me. They are right by me now; I can hear their breath...

"You really ought to be more careful Nymphadora, what if I was a death eater?"

Relieved, I look up with a daft grin on my face,

"Well, I knew it wasn't, so that is besides the point Remus Lupin." I say, scrambling back onto my feet and dusting myself off.

"Ah, yes. So that is why you were cowering on the floor in a heap. The bravery of an Auror," he tuts and cocks his head. Tease.

I open my mouth to answer, but then close it again, admitting defeat. If I answer back, I'll only be digging a deeper grave for myself. Eventually I speak,

"What were you doing here anyway?"

"Thinking." He answers his brow furrowing. How adorable.

"About Sirius?" I ask, gently. He nods a reply, his head drooping. I have no answer to this, nothing I can say could take away the pain of losing your best friend. Instead I step in to give him a squeeze, he dodges.

"And about us." He finishes. Oh please don't. Remus!

"Us?"

"Yes, us. Dor- Tonks, I don't think we are a very good idea."

"Why?" I question immaturely.

"Because! What I do to people! Everyone I care about ends off worse off!" I don't know if it's anger, sadness or confusion welling up inside me but I don't like it. I breathe deeply, trying to keep a level voice,

"How does that figure?"

"Look at James and Lily...and Sirius. All dead! What if it's you next?"

"Remus, you are being ridiculous, they didn't die because you cared about them. They died because they lived in dark times, WE live in dark times. I might be next! You might be next! Hell, Dumbledore might be next! We don't know! That is why we need each other, for support, strength."

"No!" he is shouting now, "Tonks, we can't!"

"WHY?" I reiterate, angrier now.

"We just can't. I'm too old for you! Yes, too old, too poor and far too dangerous."

"How long have you been rehearsing that for?" I spit. I cannot believe what I'm hearing. We were so happy. And now this, I know there is a deeper meaning to this, that this is all a cover-up.

"Since we admitted we loved each other. Since I met you."

"Bollocks! You are being..."

"I am not being ridiculous Tonks! I've told you, we can't be together anymore! O.k. we just can't."

"No, it's not o.k. and it won't be until you tell me what is really going on!"

"Nothing is going on. I have been thinking and I have realised how stupid I was to think we would work out. You're better off without me. You want somebody young and carefree. Not a battered, old werewolf. I can offer you nothing!"

"I don't expect anything," he ignores me...

"I can't take you out for a meal,"

"Molly's cooking is fine."

"I can't be around you once a month."

"You could, you just don't let yourself."

"I can't make you happy!"

"Yes you can! You loving me is enough! I don't want anything else, I don't need anything else. And you bloody well know that. Do you think I would have wasted so much time on you if I thought you were a hopeless case? No you tell me what is really going on or I swear on Merlin's bea-"

"I'm going away." Finally, some answers.

"Going away? Where?"

"Dumbledore is sending me on a mission to spy on the werewolves led by Fenrir Greyback." It gets worse.

"And you agreed?"

"Of course." Damn you Remus! Damn you and your bloody saint complex!

"You can't! You can't go! I won't let you."

"That is not your decision to make, Tonks!"

"Your my boyfriend, Remus, I think I have a bloody say in whether you go out risking your life or not. Did you even think of me when you agreed?"

"Of course I thought about you! Why do you think I've got to end it?"

"I'm not happy about this, but you going away is no reason for us to stop seeing each other. I'll wait for you to come back."

"Tonks, I might not come back. I mean that even if I return. Being a part of the pack, a part of what I hate, I don't know what it's going to do to me." He speaks, in a more gentle tone.

"Then why did you agree to go?"

"Because, it needs to be done and I'm the best to do it. Even you can't argue against that."

"You will come back. And you will be my Remus."

"We can't take the risk Tonks. We can't."

And then he turns and leaves. Just leaves, no kiss, no goodbye. I feel the tears well in my eyes and make no effort to stop them from coming. I feel incomplete, I don't feel like me anymore. And it shows, as my bright purple hair turns to the dullest brown, my natural brown. But it isn't me...