The Marvelous Adventures of Narcissa Hightopp

Chapter Five: Clash of Arms

Narcissa was getting fitted into her Magical Sparkle Armor by one of her loyal servants when she noticed a plume of dust rising up along the road. She watched her hand on her Magical Sword that could cut through anything in the entire world and never get rusty or dirty and a look on her face that said she was going for dangerous menace, but that came across as indigestion.

As the dust cleared and she could see who was heading her way, the menacing look vanished like a quickly vanishing thing to be replaced by a look of what could be best described as psychotic joy. Her lips stretched back in a smile that made her face look like it had been split in half, revealing impossibly white teeth and perfectly pink gums. Her eyes grew as wide as saucers, and a high pitched squealing sound escaped her mouth. "Ilosovic? Oh, my darling, my love, my wonderful and gorgeous knight!" She ran towards him, her arms outstretched as she continued to squeal. When she got closer, though, she stopped, confused. "Wait…you're not Ilosovic! Who are you?"

Montgomery gave her a smile that made her blush furiously. He took her hand, kissing it. "I am Montgomery Arthur Titanium Lewis Hunter Warrior Sexgod Jones, and I must say that I have never seen a more perfect and beautiful woman as you. We are meant to be together. Can you not feel the perfect and true love that is flowing between us?"

Narcissa looked into his eyes, and all thoughts of Ilosovic vanished. This man before her was more perfect than any she had ever known. How had she gone all her life without meeting him? She smiled at him. "My dearest darling love, even though we have only just met this very moment, I know that ours is a love that is destined to become the stuff of legends. I thought that I was saving myself for Ilosovic, but I can see now that my body and soul belongs to you and you alone, my precious darling dearest love. Alas, we cannot consummate our perfect and pristine love with gentle and loving love until I have won my victory over the upstart Queen. Will you join my cause?"

Monty gave her a passionate kiss. "It is what I was born for, my love. I have skills that none can rival, both on the field and in the bedroom. I know that you are most likely a chaste and innocent lady, and when I take you on a bed of silken sheets in a golden room in the White Palace, you will know the true meaning of Heaven. But for now, we must prepare, for the White Army will be here at any moment." He pulled out his sword, which was just as bright and sharp as Narcissa's. "This is my Magical Sword of Magicalness, and it has never once needed to be sharpened. Mirana will be here any moment, my love of the universe. Let us prepare for her coming by flexing our muscles and showing off our swords."

Narcissa felt her heart soar at his romantic talk. "Ohh, my brave and love sir Knight! I surely have never heard a more beautiful speech from a man. Thou art certainly an angel sent down from Heaven to aid me in my timest of needeth."

Together they stood like two perfect statues of two perfect specimens, waiting for what was to come. It didn't take long.

The White Army arrived on the Field of Battle, Alice astride the Bandersnatch, and Mirana, Ilosovic, and Alannah aboard their own mounts. Terri and Lydia were on foot. Alice gulped as she gazed at the vast Army of Faceless that was arrayed against them. Not even the Card Army had this many soldiers. But she reflected that those soldiers had at least been fighting of their own will, and been able to defy Iracebeth at the end. These poor creatures did not have that basic right-they were merely puppets controlled by the whims of Narcissa.

Ilosovic let his gaze sweep over the army, a feeling of disgust and pity in his gut. He knew that as a soldier, he was going to have to kill many of the Faceless to save them. The thought made him shudder. He looked over at Alannah. "It's odd. Once upon a time I reveled in the kill. But now-I feel like a monster for knowing what I have to do."

Alannah gulped. "Ilosovic, the crueler thing to do would be to have them continue to live this horrid and empty existence. Death will release them." She shot Narcissa a look of fury, hissing under her breath. "And Death is too good for that one!" Ilosovic nodded in agreement, and then straightened as he watched Narcissa being carried forward on a paladin.

When she was within ten feet of the White Army, she raised a perfect marble hand and her servants lowered her paladin, and she dismounted effortlessly. Montgomery was right beside her, and the sun glinted off their shiny and sparkly armor in a beautiful pattern of rainbow like colors. Narcissa smiled at Mirana. "Mirana. You still insist on this foolish endeavor? Surely thou must knoweth that I art totally invincible and awesomely powerful. I will give you one more chance to do the smart thing and give up, for my awesomeness eclipses you so totally. I will be kind to those who choose to join my side. You will feel no pain, no sadness, and no despair."

Tarrant scoffed. "Also no joy, happiness, thought, intelligence, individuality, and life. Look what you have done to these people, Narcissa. They are shells, no more. For that, you deserve the worst fate that we can dream of. So, are you prepared for battle?" He drew his sword and started to advance, only to be stopped by Ilosovic.

"Not yet, Tarrant. Narcissa, I give you one final chance. Surrender to us, allow us to put your Faceless out of their misery as painlessly as possible, and we can avoid needless blood being shed."

Narcissa laughed. "Ilosovic Stayne afraid of battle! That woman truly has corrupted you! You have become soft! No, Stayne, I will never surrender! I will fight to the death of all of you!"

Ilosovic glared at her. "You are a foolish child. I have no fear of battle, but I had hoped to avoid a meaningless one such as this. However, since you insist on fighting, I have one thing left to say." He drew his sword, raising it over his head. "CHARGE!" He lowered his sword, and the Army swept across the Battle Field, meeting the Faceless in a clash of swords.

Alannah and Alice were taking on several Faceless with surprising combat skills. But the two women could also fight quite well, and the fight was fierce and brutal. Alannah swung her sword with expertise, dispatching of one Faceless after another. Unfortunately, it seemed that for each she felled, ten more took its place. She turned to Alice, sweat running down her face and blood running down her arms. The faceless may have been nearly insubstantial, but their weapons weren't. "We've got to think of something!" Her eyes went wide with shock as a horde of Faceless came swarming towards her, their swords raised. She shut her eyes, and then opened them to reveal that they were blood red. A war cry ripped from her throat and she charged into the melee, slicing and hacking every Faceless she could reach.

Alice slid off the Bandersnatch, fighting her way to where Alannah stood surrounded by Faceless, the Vorpal Sword slicing through them effortlessly. Katarina and Vicki, who were nearby, fought their way forward to help their mother. Vicki caught a glimpse of her face, and felt a shudder run through her. "Mum?"

Alannah dispatched a Faceless by slicing it in half before turning to Vicki, a mad smile on her face. "Vicki! Don't worry; I'm in control of myself." She turned at a sound, slicing off the heads of three Faceless, and Vicki gawped. Alannah laughed. "Darling, did you think I had succumbed?"

Vicki shook her head, and then much to her surprise dispatched three Faceless with effortless ease. "How? I didn't think we were this skilled in combat!"

Alannah grinned. "That potion I made all of us drink before we came here gives us combat skills beyond what we would normally have. It gives us an even footing with Narcissa."

Katarina did a front roll somersault, slicing two Faceless into three pieces before springing to her feet and clubbing another in the head. "Is it permanent?"

Alannah gave her a look of exasperation. "Of course not. Once Narcissa is killed, it will wear off. Of course…" She threw her dagger into the neck of a Faceless that was trying to gnaw her arm…. "That could take a while. I propose that we make our way to the center of combat." The others nodded, and Alannah retrieved her dagger before they all fought their way to where Ilosovic, Tarrant, the Sue-Slayers and the White Army were locked in combat with the Army of Faceless. Narcissa, being the skilled warrior that she was, stayed in the back and waved her sword around as she made incoherent sounds. Every once in a while, a White Soldier would reach her, and she would have a brief skirmish during which she maintained her perfect appearance.

Montgomery was fighting and holding his own against ten White Soldiers when he suddenly doubled over in pain. Narcissa spotted him, and a cry of pretty anguish poured from her throat as she glided towards him. "What is it, my love?"

Alannah turned and watched the drama unfold, a wicked gleam of joy on her face. 'The tide is about to turn.' Montgomery gave a strange gurgle and fell prone on the floor. Narcissa gave a beautiful cry of anguish that a thousand poets could spend millions of years trying to accurately describe and still not come close to one iota of the pure and complete anguish felt by Narcissa when she saw the perfect man she had known for an hour collapsed on the cold ground.

Narcissa knelt beside her one true love, a perfect look of pained anguish on her perfect face. Montgomery blinked up at her, his dark purple eyes fading to pale lavender, and reached for her hand. "Narcissa…my love…I…do not have long for this world, and I do not wish to leave it without giving you one perfect and passionate kiss. I…regret…not…being able to give…more."

Narcissa cradled him in her arms, tears pouring in perfect tracks down her face. "Hush, my love! Our love is a tragedy beyond that of Romeo and Juliet in its intensity and passion. I will grant your last dying request and give you a perfect kiss!"

The opposing Armies had ceased their fighting; all eyes were on the two lovers who had been cruelly snatched from each other by cruel and capricious Fate. Narcissa bent down and kissed Montgomery, surpassing every kiss ever known to man or woman. It lasted for only three minutes, but in those three minutes Narcissa knew that she would never love again, and she felt her heart break into a million little pieces. Nevermore would she love.

"Farewell, Montgomery Arthur Titanium Lewis Hunter Warrior Sexgod Jones! I, Narcissa Amethyst Emerald Raven Jade Sapphire Hightopp, shall never forget you nor the perfect and pure love that we shared despite only knowing each other for two hours. I swear by all the deities that I will somehow avenge your pointless death!"

A heartbroken sob poured from her throat as Montgomery breathed his last and expired, all the vitality leeching from his tall and muscular frame. Narcissa carefully laid his body on the cold ground, then stood and faced the White Army, fury on her beautiful face. "YOU HAVE KILLED THE MAN I WAS GOING TO SHAG! HE AND I WOULD HAVE SHARED A BEAUTIFUL AND EROTIC FILLED MOMENT OF PURE LOVE AND BLISS! FOR THAT, I SHALL DESTROY YOU! 1! 1!" She raised her arms above her head in a threatening gesture, and then spoke in a deep and oddly throaty voice. "TOTALLY AWESOME AND MAGICAL POWERS ACTIVATE! DESTROY THE WHITE ARMY AND ANYONE NOT FOLLOWING ME!"

Everyone watched as a sparkly pink beam of light shot from her hands and floated over to the Army. Narcissa was laughing in triumph. "Now, you will see the futility of opposing one as wonderful as..." her jaw dropped as the Sparkle Power reached the front lines and vanished. "How?"

Alannah laughed. "Really, the one thing that you Sues never seem to learn is that you have serious flaws such as not understanding how the world's you are trying to corrupt work. Do you honestly think Underland would give itself up without a fight? We thrive on madness! You would make this a perfect and rational world, and that's incomprehensible to most. But if you wish, keep trying to use your powers. You've not got much longer anyway."

Narcissa gasped prettily. "Whatever do you mean by that?"

"I mean that I poisoned you five minutes ago. When you kissed my Stu, you signed your death warrant." Alannah's smile grew predatory. "I am not Potions Mistress for nothing, Narcissa. I dosed Montgomery with a slow acting poison."

Narcissa scoffed. "I am immune to all poisons! You cannot kill me!"

Alannah blinked. "Who said anything about killing you?"

"Well, if you're not planning on killing me, why poison?"

Alannah laughed. "I gave you a poison that affects your species. Narcissa Amethyst Emerald Raven Jade Sapphire Hightopp, you are about to become…normal."

Narcissa wailed in anguish as her perfect and shiny blonde hair dulled down to a plain brown and then to her infinite horror became dirty and tangled. Her perfect blue eyes became brown as well, and her perfect and perky large boobs shrunk to near nonexistence, since she did not have the body to support them. "I'm FLAT!" She burst into tears, and then gazed in fury at Alannah. "You will pay for this!" She drew her sword, and promptly fell on her face. Alannah giggled.

"You have no combat skills anymore. They're gone. Terri, she's all yours!"

Terri came forward, gun in hand. "Thank you, Alannah." She aimed and fired, and Narcissa fell with a bullet between her eyes.

Alice blinked. "Well, that was certainly…anticlimactic."

Lydia laughed. "That's usually the case with these super powered and beautiful Sues. They're all coating, nothing else." She frowned, looking over the Faceless that still remained. "What about these poor bastards?"

Mirana sighed. "Chess took the ones that could be helped back to Joanne. I'm afraid all these that are left have moments to live." Sure enough, as they watched, first one Faceless then another began to fade away into the air. But as they watched, they couldn't help but notice tiny green sparks floating upwards into the cloudy sky. Without being told, they knew that what they were seeing were the souls of the people, finding peace at last. A sense of calm swept over them as Alannah began to sing.

"Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which yet thy pictures be,
Much pleasure, then from thee much more, must low
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings and desperate men
And dost with poison, war and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die."

When she had finished, she took a deep breath before turning to Lydia and Terri. "The Sue's body is all yours."

The two women nodded their acknowledgment, and Terri spoke. "What about the Stu?"

Alannah grinned. "It will dissolve shortly. After all, it has no real substance, just style."

Mirana nodded. "True. Now, Alannah, I believe your Healing Skills are needed. Teresa, Lydia, once you have finished disposing of the Sue, come to Marmoreal."

The victors left to tend to their business, and Underland was once more at peace and free from the ravages of a Sue.

George the Phoenix vanished, as they didn't exist in Underland. Narcissa's grand palace and everything in it vanished as well, since it had only existed as a vague idea of a palace.

Now all that remained was the Victory Feast.