Chapter 5
Positive mental thinking had become the order of the day for Sirius, mused Remus. There was a clear change in his friend after they had had that visit from the headmaster and it seemed to the werewolf that rather look for the things he was doing wrong when it came to his godson, he was now looking for the things he was doing right.
Instead of worrying when Harry cried, which he did, perhaps little more than the two of them would have liked him too, for he was still a very nervous little boy, Sirius was more eager to hear in his laughter. That was what was important. And when the tears did come, he was never left alone. Either Moony's or Padfoot's arms were always, without fail, there. He was beginning to feel loved.
Sirius also saw that maybe the three of them being together all of them time, just them, was perhaps not the best idea. Harry needed to be socialized. He needed other kids.
And Sirius needed his life back. Or something that resembled what it had been. They needed it. Being cooped up together was not a good thing.
And so a couple of weeks after he and Harry got back to their world, Sirius arranged with Remus to go out for a while one night, leaving Moony in charge of the little man. As well as getting their lives back they had another challenge the week after.
Full moon.
Remus was pale, reminding Sirius that no matter what happened; life really did go on regardless.
And so he had written to perhaps one of the only other people in the world he could trust aside Moony. He did not know why he had not done it sooner but then he had guessed he had had his mind engaged elsewhere. He had had till now more important things to do.
Bottle of fire whiskey in hand, he left to met with his cousin Andromeda at her cottage eager to be on the terms he had been with her once before. She had been his only friend before he had met the Marauders. She had after all been the only one in his family he had had any great love for. He hoped that the case was not altered with her for he knew she had felt the same about him.
A solitary life was not for him.
Apprating to just outside the cottage where she lived in the south west of England with her husband and her young daughter, who Sirius had only seen a handful of times before times had got too hard on them, he knocked on the door. Waiting for it to be answered, he prayed things were going to be as they had been in the old days.
Inside the building, a rather sheepish Andromeda rose to get the door. When she had heard he had got out of jail she had wanted to go straight to Sirius but she had been so ashamed that she had actually believed he had sold out on her after all they had been through. How had she believed it so easily?
And more than that she should have known he had not had it in him to betray the Potters. Every other member of there so called family did. But not him. Not Sirius. Every bone in his body was decent.
Ted looked at her with sympathy. So in tune with her was he that he knew just what she was thinking. "Go on love," he said to her.
And yet the fact remained when he had got out of jail, he had been the one to make contact rather than her and from what she had heard he had quite enough on his plate. She should have been there for him.
"You had best get the door now he is here."
She nodded.
She answered the door and for the first time in years found she was able to drink the image of her cousin and in a way she had to say she was shocked by what she had found.
If she was honest with herself, then she knew deep down she had no idea what she had been expecting really. It was not as if she knew anyone else who had come back from that god forsaken place.
He was not so utterly changed that she did not know him. She knew him alright but she found him altered. No longer was he the boy she had rebelled with when they were kids. He had lost something which had made him him. And it made her sad.
Here was a man who had had a very rough few years. A man who had had no one there for him when he had needed someone the most.
She shook her head in shame. The feeling was overwhelming.
"S-sorry," she said as a way of greeting.
Now it was his turn to be shocked. Even when the two of them had been at there closest she had rarely ever permitted any one to see her tears. It had just not been in her to be over emotional back then. But then she had been changed by the war and she was a mother. That changed a woman, didn't it?
Just as he had when he had seen Remus for the first time again he did not see the point in anger. Not with her. He knew the easiest thing in the world would be to turn bitter at every one he had once known and loved.
But the times they had lived in then did give people leeway. And he knew if he was able to forgive then he was going to be a better man as well as a better guardian. And he wanted to have his relationship back with her as soon as he could. He was not going to rant her when she had been doing what she had thought was for the best.
He shook his head and smiled at her in a way that told her he did not blame her for what she had believed since the war, because he knew the rest of the world had believed it too. And by the end of the war they were not as close as they had been when it had begun. It had pushed them apart, just as it had done to so many people. Too many.
"It doesn't matter cousin," He said as he put the drink down and took her in his arms.
But to her what she had done did matter. The fact she had lost faith so easy did matter. He had to know how sorry she was.
"Yes it does."
It then took him and Ted quite some time to calm her down. Sirius was beginning to see then and there how much the world had changed when he had been locked up from it.
In the old days, she would have never permitted herself such indulgence as no doubt his dear mamma would call it.
"Oh, I am sorry for this," she said as she pulled herself together at last. "I just can't believe the way I behaved to you when you were wrongfully accused and then when you got out, you were the first one to get to a quill instead of me. How can you forgive me Sirius?" she asked.
He shrugged. "Because one, you and my cousin and I love you. Secondly, because none of us are perfect and that goes even more if you were born with the surname 'Black'. Lastly, because now that I am out, I need you to be here for me more than I ever did inside."
She nodded.
"I heard you and Remus have taken James's boy in...How is he?"
"He is a good kid. Scared and confused a lot of the time, not that he wants to show it but you can see it in his eyes. None of this is making a lot of sense to him at the moment, not that it is making a hell of a lot to me. We're the blind leading the blind at the moment."
He turned to her and she was only too able to see the pain that was causing him in his eyes. She had been one the first people he had proudly told he was to be a godfather.
"So what I am trying to say in a really bad way here is that we need help. And I really mean 'we', it is not just me. It is Remus and Harry too. We want to be a family but it is a stumbling ground trying to get there at the moment and if we are shut up just the three of us then it is going to be a lot harder than it is already." He admitted to her.
"Just say the words and I am going to be there for you now." she was not going to make the same mistake twice. "Sirius, you know I'd put my hand in the fire for you, right?" she said with one of her eye brows arched.
It was in that moment he saw the girl he had been bonded so close to when they had been young. When they had been the only ones in the world who were fighting for something better than they had been brought up to want. When they had had the courage to believe in something better.
She saw it to because she took his hand and smiled.
"I am so glad you're innocent. And you're free. I am always going to be on your side, I promise." She said.
He nodded.
"Why don't we have that drink? Toast me being back in business."
"Good idea."
They both needed it he knew, still shocked from the way she had greeted him but then he also knew it was more than likely he was the only family on her side she had left now. That might account for it. He was the only one who had ever been on her side.
For some reason, he did not think Cissy would have come round to her marriage at last and when he asked he found out he was right.
"No, as we knew she would be she is far too busy being a perfect wife to grow a back bone at last. They have a son now, her and Lucius, do you know that? And I have not so much as seen a picture of him. I doubt he even know he has an Aunt Andromeda." She sighed.
For all she behaved as if she detested her sister he had always known that deep down she wanted nothing more than to be part of her life again. She was just too proud to say sorry and anyway, it was Cissy who had to say sorry.
Andy had done nothing wrong.
"I am sorry Andy. I wish you could be part of his life."
"So do I. And I wish my daughter had her aunt. But then what can we do?"
"Well for one thing you can see Harry as a nephew and I can be an honorary Uncle to little Nymph." He said with a nod. He had learnt a long time ago that a make shift family could at times be a lot better than the real thing.
She nodded. "I would like. As much as I hate the pure blood mania, I do think she should know at least some of her biological family asides me."
"And now she will." As for Harry, that was not going to be possible.
Harry's biological family.
It was then he remembered he had promised to pay the Dursleys visit and with the drink inside of him he promised himself he would drop in on the way home.
But he had not asked what he had come to yet.
"Andy do any of your friends have kids Harry's age? I just need to get him socialising."
She had to say she was shocked at this. She had thought he would have wanted to keep his god son himself a little longer than he had yet. He had never been very good at sharing even when they had been kids.
But then she had to say, even if he did not yet know him as the back of his hand, he knew the lad better than she did.
"Is it such a good idea to be introducing him to people yet? I mean, he isn't just James and Lily's son any more, Sirius - this is Harry Potter we are talking about. I know you are going to want him to be a normal kid before he is anything else but you have to accept that is not going to be easy now."
He nodded. "Andy, I hear you and I know what you are saying. I have played the same arguments through in my mind already. But he is always going to be Harry Potter no matter what time he starts socialising with kids in our world. It is best that he does it while they are young so they can get used to one another. I know he is not normal, not after everything that has gone on but I still want him to have mates who can call him a dumb ass when he gets it wrong at school or laugh at him when his first few dates with girls go wrong."
Basically, what he wanted for the lad was to have a friend like his dad had been to him.
"Well in that case, do you remember Molly Prewett? She was in my year?"
"The red head who got off with the lanky geek?"
"Oh cousin dear, I have missed the way you turn in a beautiful phrase, but yes the 'red head who got off with the lanky git' and if their brood is anything to go by, then they are still getting off with one another to this day."
"Why? How many rug rats have they got?"
"Seven."
"Seven of the little buggars? I can't cope with one!"
She collapsed in to giggles. She was only just beginning to realise how much she had missed her cousin when he had been gone from her and it entrenched in her the belief she was going to be there for him no matter what now.
No more separation.
"Tell me about it! Anyway, my point is one of them must be Harry's age. I'll give her an owl."
"Much appreciated."
Sirius looked up at four Privet Drive. Sitting on the side of the road, he sighed. He had to come good on his promise to return but now he was here he was not sure what he wanted to do – scare Dursley at no mistake. He had to pay for what he had done to Harry when he had been in his care.
But there was something about it he did not like. Over the last few days he knew the passion he had was in him had changing. It was not that it was gone – but it was different. He had been changed.
He had seen so much of pain – and he was sick of the war that had not really come to an end for him yet. He was beginning to think it never would. He was always going to be stuck in the middle of it wasn't he?
As long as he did not have his best friend as his right hand man, how was it going to end?
James had been the biggest part of his life and now he was gone. And he did not think it had sunk in yet. He didn't think it was ever going to. Not now.
But either way he knew he had to go on.
Standing up, he took a deep breath. There were times when he just liked to stand and breathe for he had not felt the free air in his lungs for so long.
When he had been in jail everything had been so boxed in. He had not been able to stand it. He did not like the feeling that someone else had been in complete control of him.
Only the thought of his innocence... only the thought of Harry. Those two thoughts had kept him sane.
His mind turned back to why he had come here. All the time he had been dreaming of getting back to the little man he had been being abused.
He had been treated as no small child should have been. They were not going to get away with it he had vowed.
And he stood by that.
Not bothering to knock on the door, he apparated in to the house.
He was glad he had left it so late he realised, as things were going to be a lot easier than he had thought they would.
He headed upstairs to the room where he had found Harry's cousin when he had last been there. Once more the pudding lad was there. Casting a sleeping spell over Dudley, Sirius picked him up before thinking better of it – a feather light charm was also needed if he was going to carry the lad. He was not the same size as Harry.
Once he had done so he headed down the stairs with the lad in his arms. He had known if he was going to get them to listen to him then he had to give them an incentive and it seemed they loved their son just as much as he loved Harry from the way his mother had tried to get to him the last time he had been there.
If he had their boy in his arm then they were going to listen no matter what.
He knew Harry was the ransom, then he would listen to anything.
The two dozy muggles were in there arm chairs as he came down the stairs. He smirked. Even though it sickened him, he had to say he was enjoying the power he knew he was going to have over Harry's aunt and uncle. For so long they had had so much power over him – ever since they had had Harry in their care. They had had power over him when they had not even known it.
He liked to turn the tables.
"He is lovely when he is asleep, isn't he?" said Sirius as he walked into the living room, Dudley in one arm and his wand in the free hand. With a mere wave of his wrist the TV was off and he had the full attention of the two muggles.
"You put him down!" screeched a terrified Petunia, once more the mother in her being dominate. As soon as she saw her baby in one of their arms she wanted to kill him.
And when she saw how close her child was to his thing... she looked to her husband to do something.
"But he was in a bed, Petunia – I thought I better come and put him in the cupboard under the stairs! That's where you too allow kids to sleep in here isn't it? Much more your style!" Sirius spat.
Even though he knew he really shouldn't part of him enjoyed this more than anything else he had done since he had been out. He didn't have to watch his mouth. He was going to have nothing to do with them ever again. And he was master of the situation. After years of being so bloody out of control, he liked the way it felt to be back in the driving seat.
"The two of you might want to sit down as we are going to be here for a while." he warned neither of them moved. "SIT DOWN!"
They did as they were told of course for they were in fear of the life of their child supposedly. Sirius shook his head. He was not a monster and he would never hurt a kid. Not when he knew what it was like to see a kid who you did love hurt. What did they think he was? A monster?
"No, this little man was peacefully asleep, so I was just trying to figure out the difference between him and Harry. Obviously there is something a bit more animal about my godson which is why you treated your own sister's child like one."
Even though she was in fear for her own son it was quite obvious that Petunia felt ashamed at what she had done. He wondered what had gone through her mind when she had agreed to let her tiny nephew sleep in the cupboard. Had she really thought that there was no one else in the world who had loved him? No one else in the world who wanted to cuddle him and tell him it was all going to be ok at the end of the day?
"We took care of the boy. You should be grateful," her husband declared quietly.
Sirius did not believe what he was hearing and what the vile man was saying was actually hurting his ears.
"You actually believe that don't you? Tell you what, I'll take your son back to my house and lock him in the cupboards under our stairs. Are you going to be grateful for that?" The fact the flat had no stairs was irrelevant ,of course.
While Petunia opened her mouth to protest, Vernon beat her to it.
"What were we meant to do? We could have just sent him to an orphanage."
"And you know what I wish you had – no matter where he was he would have been less screwed up than he has been by you two. You know the thing that shocks me the most is the fact that the pair of you are actually parents of a small kid yourselves and you were still able to treat Harry the way that you did. Just how sick does that make you? Petunia, you especially. He was – he is – Lily's son!" Sirius asked. "How dare you tell him they died in a car crash when they died to save his life? " he asked quietly.
And it was with those last words that he seemed to hit home with what he had been saying as the water works begun.
Putting her hand over her mouth, she seemed to be trying to find the right words to say it better but the fact was there was none.
"You know I don't know why I don't take this lad back with me to Remus. He would be a lot better off." he said as he looked down on the sleeping child and for the first time he saw him as something more than the lad who had hurt his godson. He saw someone who just did not know any better and someone who was not going to know better if he wasn't taught. Dudley was not and never had been better off than Harry.
And he felt so sorry for him. To be left there with them for a mum and a dad. Even if he did have a bed to sleep in at night, what chance did he really have? For the first time he saw himself in Dudley. Or his kid brother to be precise. Not enough of a back bone to stand up to his mum and dad and say no.
And by the time he could grow one it would be too late. They were going to smoother him.
"Please, give him back to me."
Petunia looked up at him with tears running down her face and her eyes were telling him he had had his fun and he had made his point.
"Thank god Lily is dead. Thank god she never had to see what you became."
But the women shook her head once more.
"She was my sister. I loved her."
"You don't know the meaning of the word. Love is dying for some one. Love is trying when you don't know what to try. And love is seeing through the darkness when only a single flame is alight." He told them. "My little godson was my flame. I can't help wondering what is going to be your sons."
He had only ever meant to scare them, he thought to himself. He had clearly done that.
A sudden longing came over him for Harry as he looked into the mothers eyes and once again the power was worthless.
He wanted home. He wanted Harry.
()()()
He knew it was a cliché but for Sirius Black there was suddenly no place like home in the world. It was the place where he was safe from the rest of the world. It was where he knew nothing was going to get him. The shabby old flat would have curled a lot of peoples toe nails. He loved it.
But he loved nothing more than he loved coming home to his godson.
As soon as he had his coat off he went through to see him.
He had only intended to check on him for a moment before he headed off to bed himself but when he saw Harry's eyes were still wide open, he felt his heart sore. He loved tucking him in to bed at night. It was one of the best things about being a parent, if only a surrogate one.
"Hey buddy, why are you still awake?"
It was beginning to be obvious that the bond between them was giving Harry confidence as he did not seem to think he was in trouble. Had he asked Harry that the night he had got to him then Sirius knew the lad would have jumped right out of his skin and started saying sorry.
He did look embarrassed though. And tired...
It was then it clicked in Sirius' mind that he had been waiting for him to come home before he had gone to sleep.
"Were you waiting up for me?" he asked and Harry nodded.
"Come on then, budge up," said Sirius as he sat on the bed. Under Harry's arm he noticed one of the stuffed toys he had reunited Harry with that morning when they had tried to go through the trunks together. However he had got the vibe that in the end it had all been a bit much for the lad and so they had put them away till another day.
As soon as he opened up his arms for his godson the boy crawled into them. After years of being starved of any type of affection, Sirius lavished it upon him, and rightly so thought the doting godfather.
And as much as he denied it, it was not just Harry who needed all the cuddles.
He was still a young man and he knew he had been through hell. But he was going to heal. They were both going too.
Kissing his godson's forehead he shut his eyes and went over the evenings events and – he felt numb. He was glad he had got Andromeda back on his side. He had needed her.
But everything with Harry's family – had it made anything better? Had it made it worse? The answer to both of those questions was not really. It hadn't changed much.
But he supposed he had some peace from what he had done. And he could move past it now. He had got rid of his demons with the Dursleys that night.
And now they just had to get past Harry's, he mused as he held the lad.
As long as they were together though, there was nothing they weren't going to get past.
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