Chapter 9
Sirius did not think he had ever needed a drink so much since the night he had learnt James was dead. He told himself he was being stupid and he was over reacting but there was a rage in him. He did not think he was going to be able to control for a lot longer and his nerves needed to be calmed.
There was only one thought going about in his head and that was how dare that little snake pass judgement on the way he was trying to being up his godson. At least he had been trying to do something for Lily and James. He did not think Snape had ever done anything for them, especially not for her who he claimed was so beloved by him... he had not done anything for Harry that was for sure...
And he was never going to either he thought as he brooded over what the man had said. How dare he insinuate that he might not be the best person to take care of Harry? That phrase just kept going round and round his head.
Lily and James had agreed. If they were not there then the boy was to go straight to him; that was what they had said; what they had wanted.
She had been one of the ones to make that decision. How dare he think he knew better?
He was going to make damn sure that he did not think that for a lot longer.
()()()()
"Moony, Moony!" cried Harry as he went in to his room and climbed up on the big bed that the werewolf slept in.
"What is it mate?" said the sleepy adult as he came round, groggily wiping the sleep from his eyes. Of all the nights he had been hoping to sleep right through, that was among those he had needed to the most.
He was almost instantly though. In the time since he and Sirius had had Harry, he did not ever remember him coming in to him like this in the night.
"Sirius isn't here!"
()()()
Severus rarely slept well or peacefully, and that night it seemed to evade him entirely. He had never been a very deep sleeper. Even when he had been a little child he did not think he slept particularly soundly.
He had always been too worried about his father or his mother and then when he had met Lily at last, he had spent many night awakes just thinking of her beauty and all that she had come to meant to him in such a short space of time. Even when he looked back on their friendship it still amazed him how intense he had been about her from a very young age. He had known – or he had thought he had - they were going to be together and he knew it was idiotic - but that had been his plan since he was a very young lad.
Lily had been so different to everyone else he had ever known. He had never been able to talk to anyone the way he way he was able to talk to her. She had managed to change his life from day one. it had been the little thing she had said as well as what she had done...
And he had loved her from the start and all along.
There had not been a day when he had not loved her, whether it had been from her side or from afar.
Getting out of bed for what had to be fourth time that night already, he went through to the living room. He knew he was not going to go back to bed that night. He had never needed a lot of sleep and the elder he got the less he needed.
When he dreamed all he dreamt of was her and the past they had once shared. And he did not know if he loved those dreams or he hated them. He missed her so much that it was torturous. But he loved to think she was close by him still. When he had got out of jail he had told himself there were going to come a day when he did not dream of her but as of yet that prophecy had not come true...
He had done a lot wrong when he had been young and he could only guess that as punishment for his crime, he had to endure his life without her.
If he had to do it then he would – after all, life was not fair after all.
But what hurt was he did not even know if they were going to be together in death or if she was going to stay with her beloved James.
He had been nothing sort of horrified when she had softened toward him. He had just not seen it coming. She had lead him to believe by the way that she acted that it was going to be there against the world for ever. She had hated him as much as he had or at least she had said she did.
But then as they had got older she had changed in a way he had thought she could not, would not. To him it seemed she remained beautiful but the morality he had always found in her waned. And then she let Potter in to her life.
He had been so angry but when she had been there, he had been able to do nothing to stop her making the biggest mistake of her life. Of course, he had had no idea of just how devastating it was going to be when the end came but he had known it was not going to end well. All he could do now was regret that he had not got her out sooner.
And, of course, protect her son.
There were going to be those in the world who did not understand why he did try too and there were going to be those who thought it was a betrayal for him to protect Harry. But in truth they did not concern him.
He had to do it for her. And if that meant he had to get the lad away from those idiots then that was going to be what he did.
Even if he resented the choices she had made which he very much did he was not going to let her down again. Even if he disliked parts of her personality which had been altered... he loved her still.
Picking up his clock once he had changed into his day robes, he walked out of the dungeons and up in to the school. He had never been very good at relaxing and the older he got, just as his sleep got worst, so did his inability to unwind. He could only assume the two of them were related. But he had rather taken to strolling about Hogwarts at night. It was one of the few ways he was able to rebel and while he had never been a marauder, he had always been rebellious.
To rebel had been one of the only ways he had been able to get through some days. When he had seen her go off ... he had had to do something.
He could not sit idle.
But the problem was instead of just going off, he had completely gone off of the rails and by the time he had had the sense to try and get back on them he knew he had lost her forever. Had he done things different, maybe his whole life would have been very different? But it was a rare day or night he let himself wallow.
Just as rebelling had been the only way he had been able to survive when he had been young, not thinking, not remembering, was the only way he got through then.
He didn't want to remember and as anti social as he was, he did not like to be on his own with his thoughts for too long... when the war had ended he had found the damn mirror and that had taught him not to well.
But try as he might to stop them, memories of her coursed through him...
Thoughts drove men mad. But the only thought he had then was he would feel better once he had had a drink at the pub and so that was where he was heading.
Even thought it was the middle of the night, he knew Rosmerta was not going to have shut up shop for the night yet. She had never been one to go to bed early and the nearer it got to Christmas, the more she liked to have a twenty four hour pub it seemed which was and always had been fine by him.
Grasping his hands together for warmth, he breathed on to them to try and get them warmer, off guard for a moment and not looking where he was going. He bumped into something – or someone.
"Watch where your – "
"Expelliarmus!" And just like that it had happened and he had lost his wand. He who was always on alert, who never allowed his guard down – and he felt as if he had just been taken for a fool which was not a feeling he liked no matter who did it to him. He felt violated.
But it made him even angrier when he looked in to the eyes of a laughing Sirius Black.
When he had heard he was back, he had known they were going to come face to face some time for no matter whether they hated one another or not, their lives had been bound together by Lily and the choices she had made.
There was something in Black's eye that told him he was furious and he knew Lupin would have told him what he had said when he went to him. The two of them living together meant they were more like a married couple then ever and of course neither of them would dare keep a secret from the other.
"And thus Black you prove my point that the boy is not safe with you."
And as he heard the taunt, Sirius knew he was closer to the edge than he had been since he had gone to pay Harry's aunt and uncle a little visit. He was not going to lie to himself because it had never done him any favours and he knew at that moment if he could fix it that the vile and foul man in front of him never darkened his or his families days again, then he would do it in a heartbeat - he wanted to get him so far out of there lives that he was never able to come back in to them.
But he knew if he did that then he was going to lose the lad no matter what he did. It would not matter if he was his guardian or not if he was a murderer. Harry would be right back to where he had come from and it would be worse for him because he was beginning to know there was another kind of life.
He had been driven out of the flat by his anger – he had thought when the two of them had come face to face he was going to shout and scream and rip him to shreds if he could. But to know he could take his wand from him - that was somehow enough.
Because what was he going to have when he got back to to his apartment? No one. Severus Snape was alone. And as twisted as he knew it made him, that fact made Sirius grin. The thought that Snape had no one made him glad. It was no less than he deserved.
And then by contrast he remembered his own home which was not as half as full as he would like it to be in an ideal world, but it was warm enough to be the most enticing place in the world to him at that moment. He had a friend he knew he was never going to lose, no matter what, for Remus would always stand by him. He had proved that long ago. And he had a lad who he loved as a son.
Was he really going to allow Snape to take all that from him?
No. The threat he could do something if he wanted to he worked out was enough.
The thing he could not allow to happen was for his temper to get the better of him and then lose his own life all under his own steam. So before Snape could say anything else to him he tossed back his wand and apparated right out of the situation. He could only trust himself to stay there for so long without someone to tell him to not be stupid, a role both Remus and James had fulfilled more than once in the years which they had had together. He wanted to say so much to him but at times actions spoke a lot louder than words.
This was one of those times. He had a little boy to get back too.
\/\/\/\/\/
By the time that Sirius got back to the flat, Remus was worried over Harry. Though he was not crying it was quite obvious that he was scared that his godfather had left him without telling him where he was going.
He remembered the way they had had to coax him into being ok when they had gone out, every time since he had been there. Neither of them had left him without saying so and Remus was sure that had been part of the reason he had been able to settle in to life with them relatively quickly, considering he had had no contact with either of them before they had got him out of his aunts and uncles. Because they were predictable and he had known what they were going to do – and they had always been there. With them he was secure.
Remus had tried his best to bring him out of himself by giving him his toys to play with but since he had found Sirius gone the only thing Harry had wanted to do was crawl up in a ball in his lap and wait for him to return.
In the end, he had had to accept it – forcing Harry to play when he did not want to was only going to cause the lad to turn in to himself and he knew it. There was a real fear in Remus that they were going to face a setback in his progress due to this. He hardly got used to the scars on his face before the pair of them had been left alone. So he had been hurt and Sirius had left with in twenty four hours and he knew the pair of them had been trying to give the illusion to Harry since he got there that nothing like either of those things was ever going to take place in their home.
Please don't let this break his trust in us...
When he had got back from the full moon he knew now he should have said nothing of what had gone on. Much of the time since he had come back, Sirius had seem so normal that in truth the werewolf did guess he had forgotten his friend had been through a lot. They had been so focused on the child. True, Sirius had not been much of a sleeper but he had been so good with Harry that he had let him fool him he was fine. But he could and at times was volatile. Remus had been a fool to forget that.
But how on earth where you meant to come out of a place like Azkaban and be fine? That was not the point of the place was it? It had indeed been designed to break people. Sirius had been strong enough to survive and he had had his innocence as a way of warding off the Dementors but he had been altered when he had been in there.
He knew that now...
Dropping a kiss on to Harry's forehead, he sighed.
He had never been a relaxed child but it was a rare occasion he had the misfortune to see him so worked up. It was obvious he did not feel the warm security he and Sirius had tried to wrap him up in since he had been with them at that moment.
"He is going to be back here soon." But guilt stabbed at him as he realised that might very well be a lie. The truth was he had no idea when Sirius was going to be back and to be fair to the boy he should not get him worked up for his return.
However, he had to believe he was going to be back soon as well because he knew as stupid is it was he felt as if he had left him as well. Not in the same way Harry did of course, but when two adults lived together they were meant to let the other know what they were doing, weren't they? Especially when there was a little kid involved. Even a note would have made things easier to explain to the little lad. Ever since he had been back the two of them had been a lot closer than they had been when they were at school. He knew that had been because there was no James about (and he wished to god that was not the case). But it was – and he had felt he had been able to trust him to tell him what was going on.
He should have kept his mouth shut - and yet at the same time, he should have been able to rely on his best friend to act as an adult with a child would.
\/\/\/\/
As he made his way back to the flat, Sirius felt as if he had got out of his system what he had needed too – it had been enough what he had done.
It had made his feel alive as he had been when he had been young. It had made him feel as it had that night when he had been at the cursed. As if he did still have a little say about what went on in his life. And that was enough for him.
Going back up the stair well he was once again reminded he had to start trying to find somewhere else for them. He did not want to bring Harry up in the city.
They should live someone other than here... as much as the flat was home, the city wasn't. They should be able to see the stars in the sky at night.
With a wave of his wand the door was opened and he was back inside but when he got in there he was worried to find the place was not dark as it had been when he had left it.
The lights – both the ones in the kitchen and the living room were on – and Harry and Remus's doors were opening...
Meaning only one thing... That he had woken up when he had been out and he did not need to see his godson to know how much he would be freaked out of over it. And suddenly the victory he had had over Snape turned sour in his month.
Poking his head in to the kitchen he saw it was empty which meant the others had to be in the living room and sure enough when he got in there, there they were.
Harry had crawled in to Remus arms and he did not look as if he had slept at all, though he knew he had been peaceful before he had gone out as he had stuck his head about the door. The lad was rigid in Remus arms and had his toy bear under his arm. He looked even younger than he was; and scared. He had said he was never going to be scared again – he had let him down.
"Hey kid," he said as he got in to the room.
Harry's attention was on him and he could not bear the way that the lad was looking at him - there was definite suspicion there and there was not that unending trust he had in him to begin with – but that only gone a moment before it returned. Harry wanted to trust him whole heartedly. And so wrong or right he would.
As soon as he took him in his arms, he could feel how tense Harry had been when he had been out – he had got good at reading his little mans mood and for what he had done to him, he cursed himself.
He had been so careful up till then.
"You ok?" he asked and Harry nodded quickly.
"Where were you Padfoot?"
It was the only thing Harry had cared about when he had been out – where he was and why he had gone.
"I just felt a little bit ill – I just wanted to get a bit of air. But I am home now," he said as cuddled him close. "I am so sorry, I didn't tell you where I was but I did not want to get you up, little man. You looked so comfy," he explained trying to keep his voice flippant. He did not want to turn this in to a big thing when it did not have to be.
He knew if Harry wanted something then it was hard for them to say 'no', on account of all he had been through but if Remus had had an ounce of sense then he would have kept him in bed, he thought to himself, eager to rebound the blame for the situation.
He should have thought quicker.
"Now why don't I take you back to your room, Harry? It is one o'clock and you should be asleep by now," he said as he kissed his cheek again.
Harry did not look so sure, but nodded. Sirius wished the lad had his father's wilfulness so that if he did not want to he would just come out and say it. Normally he would have offered Harry the choice of staying up if he really wanted to but he knew he and Remus had plenty to say to one another.
"Ok," said a still unhappy Harry.
"I am here ok? It is all, going to be fine," said Sirius tenderly. He did feel bad for what he done to the lad. And he knew this was what he had signed up for. But he was longing for the confident godson he had thought of in his dreams.
Maybe it was time to stop pussy footing about the lad, perhaps it was time to stop walking on the egg shells. But not that night.
Very gently he laid his godson back on the bed and gave him a kiss on the forehead. "I am sorry if I scared you. I love you." He said as he tried to smooth back Harry's dark hair.
"I know - it is ok," said Harry with a small smile just happy that he was back home.
"I am going to be just outside in the sitting room, so if you need me, come get me, ok? I am not going to be out." He said as he gave him a final reassuring squeeze.
It was brought home to him for the millionth time that Harry was the best thing that had ever happened to him and nothing in the world was ever going to change that for it never could. Harry was his world, and he had rarely felt as guilty as he did in that moment.
Getting up, he gave the lad a last wink and before going out in to the living room once more where he knew he was going to have to face a very unhappy Remus. Sealing the room off so that Harry would not hear what they were going to say, he sighed.
"I take it you don't want a cuddle then?"
Remus' face was set and for a minute Sirius really thought he was going to hit him. It didn't help that what Remus was feeling had already been compounded by the god awful night he had had the night before.
It was hardly surprising her was not happy.
"You're not even a little bit funny."
"How was I meant to know he was going to get up? I just needed five minutes to get my head together." But even as he said the words he knew Remus was not going to buy it. He knew him better than anyone.
"So you going out had nothing to do with Severus?"
He stayed silent.
"Sirius, for god's sake, we are not at Hogwarts any more – let it go!" Remus said as he picked up the coffee cup he had been drinking out of. He had to get to bed. No matter how much caffeine he pumped in to himself he was always going to sleep fairly well after a full moon. But talking to Sirius was only going to get him more worked up and that was going to keep him up.
"I have – it is him who has not... going on about things he has no idea about." He said broodingly as he sat down.
"You sound like a little kid," Remus said accusingly even though he knew it made him a hypocritical which was something he had never aspired to be. "Did you not to stop and think about Harry for just one moment?"
"Of course I did – he is all I ever think about. I just wanted to shut Snape up." he said to him. He could not bear the thought that mad was passing judgement on them and he was not going to deny that fact to his best friend. He couldn't.
"You didn't do anything rash did you?"
"Do you really have to ask me that?"
"After what happened the night James and Lily dies, yes I do."
"Well, do you think if I had that I would be just sitting here? I wanted to do something rash. And I think if the circumstances had been different then I might have – but there is a little lad in the next room who needs me," He said to him seriously, diffusing the situation between the two of them somewhat.
Remus, satisfied he was telling the truth shook his head. The last couple of days had been pretty pressured. It was no wondered they were both on the wrong side of tense.
Sirius was an idiot at times – but then he had always known that.
"I am going to turn in," he sighed. God only knew he needed too.
"Harry can't panic every time we leave him Remus – it is only five years till we're going to be sending him to Hogwarts – we need to nip this in the bud." He said thoughtfully.
The werewolf thoroughly agreed. But it was not the time to be discussing it. He had to get back to bed. However, he had an awful feeling that the events of the past day were not over. And when later that week, Dumbledore called on them, he knew that feeling had been right.
Please review!