"I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever! It's been months, hasn't it?"
Alli's voice was too bright, too happy, even over the phone. One upon a time, she'd been Clare's best friend forever. They'd even exchanged those stupid necklaces, Clare's saying BEST and Alli's saying FRIENDS, way back in sixth grade. They'd told each other every secret, listened to each others' complaints, and gushed over their crushes. Nothing was off-limits between them; they were like sisters, almost.
Of course, that was before Clare and Mark had started dating. That was when Clare found herself sucked into a world of darkness and secrets, where nothing was as it seemed, where you couldn't trust even the people who claimed they loved you.
She hadn't been able to tell Alli any of it. As Mark consumed most of her time, she found herself growing apart from her best friend, her sister in everything except for bloodline, and in some ways, she was glad. If Alli knew her secret… everything would fall apart.
By now, Alli had to know that Clare had tried to kill herself. She hadn't called, hadn't visited. Clare wasn't upset, not really; she knew that Alli hadn't been able to think of what to say. After all, in the last two or three months before Clare had leaped into the ocean, they'd been less like best friends and more like acquaintances. There were no sleepovers, no gossip-filled phone calls, no e-mails, nothing. Alli accused Clare of being too clingy, too wrapped up in Mark; she hadn't known the full story. No one had.
So Clare had told Alli that maybe they were just growing apart, that nothing lasted forever.
It had been months.
"Yeah, ever since I started at Degrassi," Clare answered casually, trying to force her tone to match Alli's.
"We have to catch up. Coffee or something, you know?"
"Yeah, coffee sounds great."
"So what's going on in the life of Clare?" Alli questioned.
"Nothing much." What was she supposed to say? She couldn't tell Alli what had happened, not over the phone and not over coffee.
She was already tired of telling her story.
"Nothing at all?"
"Well… there's this guy," Clare admitted. No harm in mentioning that, right? Alli ate up that kind of information. It might even distract both of them from what had happened, what had changed. "His name's Eli. He's my…" Boyfriend? Really, really good friend? Crush? "English partner," she finished.
"Just your English partner?"
"We're kind of… together."
"Clare! Why didn't you tell me about this before?" Alli shrieked.
Clare smiled. For a moment, she actually felt like a normal teenage girl, with normal friends and a normal love life and a normal past.
Nothing in her life would ever be normal again.
"I'll tell you everything," Clare promised. Well, almost everything. "Coffee, right? There's this place at the Dot… want to meet me there tomorrow?"
000
Taking it slow. Taking it slow.
Why the hell had he agreed to that?
Eli knew that neither of them was ready to just jump right back into a relationship. He knew that Clare needed time, and hell, so did he. He didn't know if, one day, he would kiss Clare and think of Julia. He didn't know if, on their first official date, he'd compare her with Julia. He didn't know if he could ever be good enough for her.
But he missed her.
It was completely irrational, but every second he wasn't around Clare, he thought about her. Well, it was either her or Julia, and at least focusing his thoughts on Clare didn't hurt. At least he didn't feel guilty. But he thought about her all the time, wondered about what she was doing, who she was talking to, if she was okay or if she was hurting or if she was just empty, hollow, frozen…
He was driving himself even farther into the realm of insanity, and he knew it.
It was what she needed. It was what he needed, too. He was a fucking mess, so screwed up that even he didn't understand himself, and he needed time to work that out, just like Clare needed time…
Oh, God, this was so fucked up.
Everything was so fucked up.
It didn't make things any better that Clare was standing in front of him, hands on hips, demanding to know what was wrong this time. How he'd gotten another black eye, another bloody nose, another split lip, or whatever was wrong with his face this time.
"I can handle it," Eli told her, avoiding the question.
"You can handle what?" she questioned, her eyes narrowed.
"Everything," he lied. "Look, Clare, it's not a big deal or anything…"
"What's not a big deal? I don't even know what's wrong."
"Because I can handle it."
"Obviously, you can't!"
"You don't even know what it is!"
"Because you won't tell me!"
"Clare… I'm fine, okay? It was an accident," he lied. Oh, it was far from an accident, and Clare had to know that. He could see in her eyes that she didn't believe him, but she didn't seem surprised that he was lying to her. She looked like she expected him to lie.
And, for some reason, that hurt.
It hurt that she didn't believe him, that she didn't trust him. Of course, she had no reason whatsoever to trust him with anything. She was right to expect him to lie. Hell, if he didn't want that, maybe he should try telling the fucking truth sometime.
"Fine. Whatever," she snapped. "Obviously I'm not important enough for the truth."
"That's not what I said, Clare, and that's not what I meant…"
She shrugged. "Do whatever you want, Eli. Everyone's entitled to a secret, right?" She spoke the words bitterly, almost angrily. What or who was Clare angry at? Was it him?
And what was Clare's secret?
She could be hiding anything, not anymore, right? She told him everything.
But she didn't trust him. Not completely.
Eli didn't blame her, because even he didn't trust himself.
"So you're not mad?" he checked.
"Will this- whatever it is- happen again?" she asked, a little nervously. Her hand slid into his, and he immediately felt a thousand times better.
He wanted to promise her that it wouldn't. He wanted to tell her everything that had happened. He wanted to completely and totally spill his guts to her, because not only would it make him feel better, but it would prove to her that he trusted her.
Of course, he couldn't do that.
"I don't think so." Another lie, another secret, another drop of poison.
He knew that eventually, all this was going to come back to haunt him. Bite him in t/he ass and all that.
At the moment, though, he didn't really care.
He had Clare, and for right now, for that small moment in time, it was enough. He could forget everything else, ignore everyone else.
Because, in the big picture of his life, he knew exactly what mattered most.
000
"Oh my God, Clare!" Alli squealed, throwing her arms around her. Clare stiffened, but Alli didn't seem to notice, pulling back and holding Clare at arm's length to get a good look at her. "How are you doing? You look… um, you look good. Skinny. Have you been eating? You're not anorexic, are you?"
"No," Clare reassured her. She had a lot of issues, but an eating disorder wasn't one of them. Food hadn't exactly been her top priority for the last few months. She promised herself, again, that she wouldn't bring up the… suicide topic unless Alli asked her directly. She wanted this to be just a fun, friendly chance for them to drink coffee and catch up. "I'm good," she told Alli. It wasn't the truth, but it wasn't exactly a lie, either. She was certainly a lot better than she had been, anyways. "How have you been?"
"Wonderful!" Alli declared. "Well, I miss you a lot. We all do. Why'd you change schools, anyways?"
Shit. "Mom thought it would be a good idea for me to have a change of scenery," Clare replied, adding an exasperated eye roll at the end, like she couldn't believe that her mother had had the nerve to do such a horrible thing.
Alli pulled her towards a table, slamming her drink down so hard a few drops of the brown liquid splashed out over the top. "That sucks. Well, you're here now! So you can tell me about your Prince Charming, huh? Your more-than-English-partner?" There was a strange edge to her voice as she spoke the words, but Clare chose to ignore it. It probably wasn't anything, after all.
"His name's Eli," Clare replied, happy to be on a relatively safe subject.
"What's he like?"
"He's… he's really smart and funny, even though his sense of humor's a little dark, and sarcastic and kind- at least to me- and he's…" Mysterious, she thought. Secretive. Hurting. Broken. "He's just incredible," she finished, smiling a little.
"Sounds like true love," Alli grumbled.
"What's wrong?" Clare asked. Maybe she was just being paranoid, but she could've sworn that there was something… off about Alli now.
"It's just… are you sure you're not rushing into this?" Alli asked, her voice heavy with concern.
"What do you mean?"
"Look, Clare, maybe this Eli really is… incredible, like you say, but… are you sure you're ready for another relationship, especially after… what you did after Mark broke up with you? It's not healthy, depending so much on another person, and-"
"Wait, what? What do you mean, 'what you did after Mark broke up with you…'?"
"Clare, it's okay to admit it."
"Admit what?"
"Everyone knows what happened." Alli glanced away, down into her coffee. "Clare, I know you loved Mark, but… look, your mom says that you're in therapy now. Maybe that's helping. But what you did, Clare, that's… like I said, it's not healthy to be so… obsessed with someone. Just because he broke up with you doesn't mean that you have to try to kill yourself, and-"
"I- no! That's not why I… I mean, I didn't… do what I did because… because he broke up with me!" Clare felt like her thoughts were shattering, fragments floating around her mind.
"Clare, it's okay, you don't have to lie…"
"I'm not lying!" Clare nearly shrieked, panicking. Alli had been her friend. Why didn't she believe her?
"Clare-"
"I'm not lying, Alli. I'm not. That's not… that's not why I…"
"Clare," Alli sighed. "I want to help you, everyone just wants to help you…"
"But you can't. You can't."
"I know this must be hard for you-"
"You don't know anything!" Ignoring the fact that all eyes were on her, Clare leaped up out of her chair, tears pricking her eyes. She'd counted on Alli to be a distraction, to be a friend who would take her away from everything that was going on in her life. Instead, Alli had reminded her just how screwed up Clare really was.
She didn't believe her. She thought that Clare was some obsessed freak who was still in love with the guy who… who raped her.
Of course, Alli didn't know that.
Maybe she was right. Maybe Clare was crazy.
Maybe everything had already gone to hell and she was just a little late to the party.
000
A/N: Before you guys start ranting over how much of a bitch Alli is, let me remind you that this whole story is in shades of gray. Alli really believes that Clare tried to kill herself because of Mark, and she's just trying to help.
(Of course, she loses brownie points for not believing Clare, but she's only human, after all.)
And Eli… well, he's Eli.
Reviews would make my day!
I do not own Degrassi.