4.
In her partner's car, Olivia ran her fingers over the ailing upholstery, still numb with relief that she had been spared Rikers for a few more days, a few more weeks. She'd be spending the rest of her life there, or upstate, that much seemed clear; the truth sounded improbable even to her own ears, and she didn't know how Trevor Langan could explain her DNA away when even Melinda had no rational explanation for how it found its way to the murder weapon. But the hours holding herself on high alert behind bars made even a few hours on her own couch, in her own bed, sound sweet. They drove several miles in silence, Olivia savoring even the crosstown traffic.
"You all right?" Elliot threw a glance sideways at her.
"Still sick," she said.
"You want to call Alex?"
"She knows." Olivia looked out the window. "Everyone knows." She tried not to give it too much thought. Alex had said more than once that Olivia took her commitment to the job too far. It only made sense that Alex would now think she had committed murder.
Elliot's phone rang at that moment. "Stabler." His eyes widened. "Holy shit. No, I'm just taking her home. Yeah, I'll be there as quick as I can." He hung up. "Cragen. They got a lead on the guy in the picture. Fin's headed out there already."
"I'll come with you." The words were out of Olivia's mouth before she'd even thought about them.
"You will not." Elliot braked sharply in front of her building. "You got enough trouble already. And you could use some sleep."
Olivia looked at the set of his jaw, the laser-beam focus of his eyes out the windshield.
"Call me when you get upstairs," he said firmly. "I'm not leaving until you do."
Hours later, she woke to the brassy sound of her phone. She picked it up before she was fully conscious, and only half-understood what had happened in New Jersey. They were headed to Harrison's house now. He promised she'd be the first to hear of any news, and she leaned against the curtain as they hung up. The silence was a gift, and then the sound of a key in the lock nearly made her jump out of her skin. She jerked her head in the direction of the doorway.
Alex slipped inside, closing the door gently behind her. She was impeccably groomed as usual, but looked tired and wary and, Olivia swore, thinner than she had a mere few days before. She let her briefcase fall to the floor and her hands twitched, as if they no longer knew what to do with themselves. "Liv …"
"Yeah. Still me."
"Are you—are you …" Alex floundered and went silent, still staring.
Olivia was used to a hyperarticulate Alex; even in bed she tended to talk dirty, describing in a sweet, strained voice every sensation that passed through her body, what she planned to do to Olivia next, silent only when her mouth was otherwise occupied. This tongue-tied Alex frightened her. She hadn't even seen Alex in a month, not in her home like a lover, her lover. And now, like this—she didn't want Alex to see her like this, she didn't want anyone to. She swayed slightly on her feet and put her hand to the doorframe to steady herself.
"Liv!" Alex rushed forward and threw her arms around her. Both women were shocked to feel Olivia trembling, as if her flesh were about to shatter.
"It's okay," Alex whispered, alarmed, rubbing Olivia's shoulders. "It's okay."
"It's not," said Olivia. "Not going to be."
They locked eyes, and then Olivia kissed the ADA messily, voraciously. Barely realizing what she was doing, Alex grasped her closer, kissing back with equal fervor. The last month seemed to melt away between their bodies, under the harsh bursts of Olivia's breath. Olivia pulled Alex's hand to her breast. "Please," she gasped. "Please."
Alex kneaded the breast gently, loving its solidity, loving Olivia; Olivia murmured and bit at Alex's earlobe and sucked at her throat and pushed at her fingers on her nipple, urging them rougher, faster. Alex pulled at Olivia's layers of clothing, sliding the deep purple cardigan from her shoulders, the tank top over her head, unclasping her bra, twisting her nipple and then flicking it furiously with her tongue, earning a guttural moan. As the other breast was receiving the same treatment, Olivia tangled a hand in Alex's hair and pulled her up for another hungry kiss, steering them both towards the bedroom as she did so.
Olivia's quilts and sheets were haphazardly strewn over the bed, as usual, but that didn't stop her from pulling Alex down to the mattress with her, biting at her lover's lip while tugging her skirt and jacket off and pulling at the buttons of her blouse, licking her jawline. Her bare skin was flushed with fever and arousal. "I need you," she murmured. "Please."
Alex kissed the undersides of Olivia's breasts—it flashed across her mind how much she'd missed them, missed this—and delivered a light bite to each nipple, struggling with the fly on Olivia's dirty jeans. Olivia helped her, easing the pants over her hips and kicking them aside. Alex straddled her thigh and tried to tease her, running a slow finger under the waistband of her boyshorts, but Olivia only whined and ground her pelvis against Alex's leg once, twice, Alex's hand trapped between them. "Please."
The urgency in her voice startled Alex this time, made her wonder dimly if perhaps this was all a bad idea, but she was so soaked and aroused herself that she thought leaving Olivia unsatisfied could only be another cruelty. Olivia had suffered enough today. She tugged Olivia's wet panties off, ran her hand lightly over her slick folds, and thrust two fingers roughly inside her, then three. Olivia moaned her relief and arousal at the third finger and pushed against Alex's hand, against Alex's fingertips curling at the spongy flesh of her g-spot, exhaling another cry when her lover's thumb met her clit.
Still in her stockings, Alex pressed herself down on Olivia's thigh as she thrust into her hard and steady, kissing Olivia's neck and shoulders, circling her thumb on Olivia's swollen clit. "Yeah," Olivia managed to gasp, reaching a hand out for Alex but missing and seizing the sheets in her fist. "Oh god, Alex, oh …"
And Olivia bucked and wailed and clenched around Alex's fingers. Tremors sliced through her body; her eyes were closed and her expression was fierce and beautiful and thrilled and pained. Holding her girlfriend steady, Alex ground herself harder on Olivia's thigh. It took only a bit more pressure to make her ripple with her own sympathetic orgasm. She rode it out, watching the stunning woman below her.
As Olivia's shudders finally slowed, her molten dark eyes flew open. Her lashes were wet, her face patterned with shock. "Baby," Alex panted, leaning down to kiss her.
Liv didn't respond. She remained frozen though the kiss, then rolled over onto her side. She pushed Alex's hand from inside her; Alex looked at her left hand, curled and damp on the sheets, and at the beautiful flesh of Olivia's back. Then she heard a choked sound, and Olivia's body began to shake with sobs.
"Hey," said Alex, crawling over to spoon Olivia, panties and stockings soaked through and her blouse buttoned halfway. "I'm here."
"No," Olivia said. "You have to go."
"What?"
"Go. Home."
"I'm not going anywhere, Liv," Alex said, snaking an arm around her lover's waist. "You're sick and you're exhausted and you've had the worst day I can imagine and you shouldn't be alone right now."
"Alex, you have to leave."
"Stop it, Liv."
"I'll be okay. I don't need anything."
"So what was this?" Alex said. She pushed herself away from Olivia's body. "Let's just fuck and then it's time to go home? That's what I am now?"
Olivia rolled over, her face registering a new shock as she met the sudden fury in Alex's eyes. "No."
"You try to destroy my career behind my back, you won't talk to me for a goddamn month, and now you just use me for whatever the hell that was and kick me out of your house?"
"Alex, it's not that. It's the opposite of that." Alex had slid from the bed and was pacing; Olivia sat up, tracking her lover's movements with her eyes.
"I got you a goddamn lawyer, I am here because I love you, and you can't even—"
"I am not bringing you down with me!"
"What?" Alex stopped at the unexpected words.
"However this goes, and you know how it's going to go, my career is over, everything's over. Your career doesn't have to be."
Alex stared. "You're not making any sense, Liv."
"I make perfect sense." Olivia's cheeks and eyes were bright. "You need to get out before anyone else knows about us. Whoever this is, Brady Harrison or whoever, he's taken SVU from me already. I won't let him take anything from you."
"You're not—Harrison? What are you talking about?"
"The Rohypnol Rapist, you remember, like, six or seven years ago. He's out, Elliot said he's had some private dick following me."
Alex's pulse quickened. "Does Trevor know?"
"Alex, imagine if you were the one prosecuting this case. You have the DNA. So you just keep driving that home. Nothing else will matter."
Alex knew it was true. She had thought about it a dozen times, and had in the back of her mind been wondering, all day, about Trevor's strategy. She hated that Olivia could know that about her. "No …"
"No one's going to believe me, you don't even believe me. I am a murderer, Alex. And you can't let the rest of your career get attached to this. So go."
"Olivia, I believe you—"
"Then you'll look like an idiot," she said, her voice choked and thick. "Because no jury is going to believe me. And you can't be a DA who's visiting her—her dirty cop psychotic killer lesbian lover at Bedford Hills."
Olivia turned her bare back to Alex. Alex stared at her neck, her still-mussed hair, and placed both hands on Olivia's shoulders. Olivia didn't respond, or loosen her muscles, or move.
They stayed still like this for a few seconds, and then Olivia slid from under Alex's hands, gathered Alex's discarded skirt and jacket, and handed them to her silently. Alex dressed, her eyes fixed on Olivia as she did so. Olivia looked away.