Author's Note: Kay, so there were kind of a bunch of things that helped to delay this chapter. Haha. But here it is. Might be nice if you reviewed. :). Enjoy.

"Gay. I'm gay. Gay. Gay. Gay."

Sirius tried the words out loud in front of the bathroom mirror for the first time. They sounded peculiar. Though he had admitted it to himself that he was indeed…different…and certainly interested in men and not in the fairer sex, it still…to say he was gay…

Well, if he could not even say it aloud to himself in the mirror, how could he tell other people?

His friends may not have been so surprised after the occurrence in their dormitory. With the treatment it was getting, however, it was possible Sirius had dreamed the kiss.

"Sirius, are you putting on mascara in there?" yelled Peter, banging on the door. "People gotta get in!"

"All right!" Sirius called back. "Keep your bloody pants on."

It was shaping up to be a pretty normal day. The marauders went to class, (Sirius and James paid little attention) they had an enjoyable lunch, they joked, they laughed. It was all fine and good on the outside. Internal struggles were not brought to the surface.

In all the happiness, one might think that Sirius would be able to forget his troubles with James. But it was perhaps…sort of the opposite. When he had such fun with James, it reminded him of how much he loved him.

It was sort of a nightmare.

James, thankfully, did not seem to notice Sirius' feelings. Or perhaps not thankfully?

And so, even though Sirius was not as normal inside as he had been weeks before, the day, on the outside, seemed very ordinary.

Until dinner.

Even that did not seem to be anything outside of the ordinary, at first. Dinner was the only time of day that James would allow time with Mercedes, other than the nod if he passed her in a corridor. Sometimes they talked. Sometimes she just sat with them and laughed at their antics. And sometimes, she would just sit with her friends.

This was evidently a James night. Mercedes easily squeezed her thin body between Remus and Peter, across from Sirius and James.

"Evening, boys," she said, smiling. Her eyes, Sirius noticed, were slightly puffy. It looked as though she had been crying.

"I notice that you seem to be doing pretty well today, James."

Sirius' brow furrowed. James was always doing well. But that may not have been a real issue with Mercedes' statement. What was an issue—and rather confusing—was that Mercedes did not seem pleased about James' apparent happiness. In fact, she seemed…was it angry?

Sirius turned to look at the boy next to him. James had his eyes on his salad, bringing forkfuls of lettuce to his mouth. His hand was shaking slightly. Mercedes' presence and/or statement that night seemed to bring about a change in James' demeanor, but James seemed to be trying not to show it.

He looked up from his salad, and Sirius looked away quickly, not wanting to be caught. But James did not look at him. Instead, he looked at his sister.

"Don't you want to sit with your friends, Cedez?"

To the untrained ear, James' question may have sounded nonchalant, friendly, teasing. Something other than what Sirius could tell it was underneath. Being James' best friend for more than two years and in love with him for, well, who knew how long, Sirius was very trained in James-ese.

And though Sirius did not know why, he knew that James was afraid. He looked at Remus and Peter to see if they had noticed James' tone. Peter, it was clear, did not. He was focused on his turkey. With Remus, it was impossible to tell. Remus had obviously noticed something weird was going on. He looked rather confused and kept moving his eyes slowly from James to his sister and back. Sirius was unsure if he had heard James' fear. He imagined it was hard for him to see Mercedes' face, let alone her puffy eyes, when he was sitting to her right.

Mercedes took a deep, slow breath, and let it out before speaking. "James," she said, "Me and Ciara were thinking about doing something for Dad tonight. We'd like you to be there."

Peter put his globlet down before sipping his drink. For the first time, he seemed interested. "Is your dad okay, James?" he asked. "Is he sick?"

Mercedes' dark eyes widened. She opened her mouth and closed it, looking furious. Sirius turned again to Remus to find that he was looking back at him. Sirius tried to shrug so that no one but Remus would see.

Remus started rising from his seat, his meal barely touched. "Well, he said, his eyes locked with Sirius', "I think we'll just leave you and Ja—"

"No!" Mercedes shouted, slapping her hand on the table.

Remus sat down quickly, shocked. People had begun to stare, but Mercedes seemed unaware.

"You," said Mercedes, pointing at Sirius, Remus, and Peter respectively, her eyes flashing, "need to hear this."

"Mercedes," said James slowly. Clapping Sirius on the shoulder, he whispered, "You guys can go."

"Can't believe—how could—they're your best friends."

Sirius remembered the discussions he had had with Lily about James' father. He remembered when he had tried to get James to come clean about the mystery. But there had been other things on his mind…

If Mercedes told the truth, Sirius thought he might be about to gain some insight. Sirius moved further away from James and leaned forward slightly, hoping to be able to see James' face more clearly.

"It's like an insult," said Mercedes, shaking her head at her brother.

"No, it's not," said James, rolling his eyes and scooping out some mashed potatoes for himself. "Just because I don't mope doesn't mean I'm insulting anyone."

"I didn't say you have to mope! None of us bloody mope!"

"Have you looked in a mirror?"

Mercedes did not answer this. "So, you guys are completely unaware that—you—for over two years, your best friends don't know that your father's dead? How the hell did you even manage to hide that, James?"

James sighed. "Well, now that you've exposed it to the world, what did you want to do?"

Mercedes pushed her hair behind her shoulders. "Well," she started, sounding far from pleased, "we don't know, exactly. Just something to honor the anniversary of the death of our dead father."

"Yeah, I get the point, Mercedes. We don't have to say the word 'dead' after every other."

"Well, maybe we do, James. Because apparently, you didn't know how to say it before today. Maybe you need some practice." She got up from the table. "I think I will go sit with my friends. Meet me and Ciara in the common room at ten. If you don't come, all I can say is fuck you."

With that, Mercedes left to join her friends.

It had been a normal day.

Sirius' eyes wide, he looked at Remus for directions. Remus was watching Mercedes converse with her friends, however. Sirius suspected it was to avoid looking at any of them. Peter stared at his plate, and James was looking up at the starry ceiling.

Sirius had to take matters into his own hands. He cleared his throat. "So, you enjoying those potatoes, James?"

James actually laughed out loud. "Thank you, Sirius. You're the best," he said.

Sirius smiled, but put his face in his hands, faking a coughing fit. If he were blushing, he did not need his friends to see that.

….

"So, just to be clear…none of us knew, right?"

Sirius sighed. "We didn't know, Remus."

"But how?" Remus asked.

Sirius sat up on his bed to look at Remus properly. Remus was on his own bed; he seemed to be feeling rather guilty.

"He lied, Remus. It's not our fault. I don't know why he didn't want us knowing, though. It's not as though it's embarrassing."

Remus nodded. "Maybe it was too sad for him."

"Maybe, maybe."

Peter spoke up quietly from his bed, "I thought we weren't supposed to have these kind of secrets."

Remus looked less guilty. "Yes, that's true. He ripped the secret out of me. But he gets to lie about his own."

"This is different, guys," said Sirius. "His dad's dead. I mean, I don't pretend to understand why he did it, but I don't think we should pretend we understand what he's going through or been through."

"Yeah, I know," Remus muttered. "Wonder what happened."

Though Sirius did mean what he said about James, Peter was right. They had essentially agreed, albeit in an unspoken way, that they did not have to hide anything from each other, that they were in things together. Was Sirius obligated to talk about what he had been hiding, as well? Would they accept it? Was homosexuality really any worse than werewolf? Was Peter the only one of them that had not kept a major secret?

Before another word was said, James opened the door.

"Well, I'm so glad I went to that. My father could surely tell we did that," he said, laughing.

Nobody was sure what to say to this.

"Listen," said James, once he had settled on his bed. "Guys, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it. I didn't want…your pity. It's really not a big deal."

"You said he just worked a lot…workaholic, I think you called him," said Sirius.

"Well, technically, he was. When he was alive."

"How did…" Remus began. He seemed to be struggling with whether his questions was an appropriate or tactless thing to ask at that moment. "I mean-"

"Suicide," said James matter-of-factly. He did not seem upset in the slightest. "Please, don't worry about it, guys. No big thing."

James certainly took this matter lightly. Of course, Sirius realized, that wasn't really a surprise at all. James took everything lightly. He had only seemed apprehensive or fearful when his sister was about to spoil his secret, but once it was out, he did not cry about it. Perhaps he was relieved. And relieved that his friends were not angry with him for hiding it. But the anniversary of his father's death, being reminded of it, having a ceremony with his sisters, telling them it was suicide… None of this seemed to break James down.

He hadn't freaked out as badly as he could have when Sirius kissed him. Maybe his news really would be no big deal?

Taking a deep breath, Sirius said, "I have my own confession to make."

None of the marauders responded. Only James looked at him, grinning. This was the big moment.

"I—I think—I mean, I kinda know…maybe—I'm…" He looked around at them all. James' smile fell only slightly. Remus looked as though he was trying to hold back laughter. Peter was waiting patiently for Sirius to continue. "I'm only saying this because…we're not supposed to have secrets. And I'm hoping you'll be…all right with this. Well…" This felt so weird. "I guess…I'm gay."

Remus seemed to be struggling still—maybe even more than before—with holding back laughter. He closed his eyes, breathed slowly, and spoke. "And that's your big news?"

Peter gave into a little laughter himself. James turned to the two of them and then back to Sirius. Sirius was glad to see there was nothing negative in his expression.

"Uh, yeah," said Sirius. "Was that not good enough? Did you want me to say I was a woman?"

"Well, don't be offended, Sirius," said Remus. "It's just not really a surprise, is it?"

"It's…not?"

Peter raised an eyebrow at him. "You kissed James, Sirius! And al—"

"We put the pieces together," said Remus. It looked to Sirius as though Remus had shot Peter a look after cutting him off.

Interesting.

So, they had figured it out themselves and seemed to have no problem with it. If Sirius hadn't been so stupid by questioning them further, perhaps the kiss would not have been brought up. In front of James Potter himself.

Sirius tried to gauge James' reaction to it. He could have forgotten about it, pushed it from his mind, and here it was brought up.

James did not seem negatively affected, however.

Smiling beautifully at him (causing Sirius to smile himself), James said, "Well, congratulations, Sirius." He seemed sincere. "I'm sure that was hard."

"Shouldn't have been," said Remus. "We don't care! As long as it doesn't affect us, and I don't see how it would. I doubt you're going to force us to participate in…gay-like…activities…"

Sirius laughed. "That's one way to phrase 'dating guys.' And of course not… I don't even know if I'm going to do that."

James rolled his eyes and waved a hand dismissively. "Course you will. I don't know about you guys, but I'm thinking it's bed time for me."

….

James and Sirius had once again stayed up past the others talking, their eyes falling closed for longer and longer periods of time as it got later.

"I don't really think," said Sirius, stifling a yawn, "that there'll be any people here like me to even have the opportunity to date."

James shook his head, his eyes now permanently closed. "Sure there's about as many here as any other school. Which is to say," he laughed, "close to none."

"Great," said Sirius.

He took advantage of James' eyes being closed to stare at his best friend that he simply could not get enough of.

Before he bothered to stop himself, the words fell out of his mouth. "James, I think we should talk about that kiss…"

How close James was to sleep, Sirius could not tell, but he laughed softly. "You needed to sort things out, I get it. And I can't blame you for wanting to do that with me, seeing how good-looking I am."

Sirius laughed, too, though he knew there was more to it than James may have believed. And truthfully, it may have been lucky for them both that James did not see the seriousness, that it was not simply James being good-looking and Sirius trying to "sort things out."

"You're not—that's it?"

"Yeah, sure" said James. "But don't get any ideas. There are no clandestine snogging sessions with James Potter in your future. Not my thing."

James may have been joking, and Sirius was…well, he may have been partially grateful for that, honestly. To joke about it with James was calming, fun. And though he knew James was not like him…it still caused somewhat of a pang within him.

It was stupid to believe that James, as accepting as he was, would ever return any feelings for him.

But maybe, maybe somewhere within him, he had still hoped.

James was supposedly unaware of the depth of Sirius' feelings, which could prove to be both a comfort and a curse. On the one hand, this could mean less to no awkwardness between them and less of a chance that their friendship would break apart. However, if James did not know how serious the feelings were, there was a chance he would make the situation more torturous for Sirius with jokes, rubbing his pain in his face without meaning to, making things uncomfortable…

Sirius remembered what had been shunned from his mind for a while. James' father was dead. He had committed suicide, and James had known about for years. But James still managed to seem the happiest person Sirius had ever met. While this may have been a problem with James' sisters, Sirius found it may have added to James' beautiful qualities in his eyes (which Sirius really did not need at that point). To carry on the way James did was such horror in his past was impressive, wasn't it?

"Gon sleep," James mumbled into his pillow, barely coherent.

"Okay. Are you awake enough for one question?" asked Sirius.

James made a noise that sounded rather like "mhm." Sirius was not sure James would be awake by the end of the question.

"Were you ever going to confront me about the kiss?"

James made a noise that Sirius could not interpret. After a moment, he said, "Was your business. If you wanted to talk, you will."

"You mean would? Would have?"

James groaned. "Yeah. Tired. Sleep. Good-bye."

So, James had been avoiding bringing up the kiss because he knew Sirius would have brought it up if he wanted to discuss it.

If James was going to be such an amazing fucking friend, this not-being-in-love-with-him thing was not going to be that easy.