Hello, ya'll! I know we haven't updated in awhile, but there has been so many spontaneous combustions in our craniums because of this story that we ran out of extinguisher.

Our skillfully executed analysis of the fifth book begins when umbrage Umbridge sends dementors after Neville for daring to be correct about the Dark Lord returning. Since Neville has never encountered the dementors before, he recieves the dementor's kiss. DEAD. If for some reason the Potters found it a good idea to teach their fifth year children advanced DADA spells such as the Patronus, then Neville would save himself and be tried before the Ministry. This would mostly go as it did for Harry in Rowling's book, so it isn't necessary to touch on. Most likely Neville would be saved by his parents or any of his neighbors, considering he lives in Godric's Hollow.

Next is the Order of the Phoenix. In Rowling's version, the Weasley's stay at Grimald Place over the summer. Because of this, there is reason to believe that the Potters would have done the same, had they still been alive. Then there would be the interesting situation of Snape popping in and out of a house that both Lily and James were staying in. As fun as that would be to write about, we believe that since Neville never had a trial, the Potters would stay in Godric's Hollow. Neville's scar powers allow Voldemort to reversely read Neville's thoughts, and it isn't good to give your enemy a tour of your hide out.

Either way, Neville and Dumbledore receive bad press and the gang goes to Hogwarts, where Neville sees Nagini attack Mr. Weasley. Dumbledore orders Neville to take occlumency lessons. If Snape hates Neville as much as he does Harry, or Neville is just as intimidated by the Potion's Master as he is in Rowling's story, then Neville would continue allowing Voldemort to invade his vital regions. If Snape and Neville are on reasonable terms, then Neville gains Brain Block! and triumphant video game music plays.

Umbridge becomes Queen Sucks-a-lot of Hogwarts, so Hermione starts the DA. There are three possible teaching arrangements for this. One is that Neville becomes teacher because of Chosen One Physics. This most likely wouldn't turn out so well, so we'll move to Harry teaching. Harry is the son of Prongs, so possesses a natural affinity for defensive spells, along with the brash Gryffindor qualities needed to teach students older than you. We as the omniscient authors know that the best set-up would be Hermione, Harry, Neville, and Ron pulling a co-teach type of thing, with the first two leading.

Welcome to the occult world of dreams and prophecies. If Neville was pwnsome and learned occulmency, he would not get the first-class mail that Voldemort sent him via brain waves. This could result in three different scenarios. One is that Voldemort never gets hold of the prophecy. Two is that Voldemort moves his lazy ass and goes to the Ministry himself to get it. The third is that Voldemort somehow gets Harry to get the swirly orb, because in theory, the prophecy was about Harry too.

Those three things could still happen even if Neville wasn't pwsome, as long as he heeded Hermione's warning or got in contact with whoever was featured in the dream. Let us assume that he didn't so that the crew goes to the Ministry.

In the Death Eater fight that follows, there is a possibility that Neville gets hit by a stray curse. DEAD. Of course, someone else could always die. Perhaps Sirius or one of the other Order members fall through the Curtain of Doom. Or maybe, "just this once, everybody lives".

Unfortunately this is the real world (or at least the important one) and people die. So we have the Death Eater who killed whoever-died, and he/she just noticed what shit he/she is in. So he/she runs for it. The precipitate Gryffindor Harry would likely run after mentioned Death Eater, and Neville the concerned brother would follow. If this happened, Voldemort might make a comment about Harry being the almost-Chosen-One/brother of Neville and kill him off. (Or Lily, who had followed them, would jump in front of the curse and there would be The Boys Who Lived, and Creager and I would turn the rest of this into a fluffy, confusing, and stupid crack fic.)

There is a better chance of an Order adult following Harry after the Death Eater instead of Neville, or that no one could disengage themselves from the fighting to stalk the murderer. Or the slim chance that all the protagonists remember that they have brains and don't go after the wizard who just proved his or herself capable of killing.

We're going to assume that Neville continues after the Death Eater alone, and he meets Voldemort. In Rowling's book, Dumbledore shows up to save Harry from the big scawy snake man. Creager and I are rebels, and will explore the possibility of Dumbledore not showing up. Let's all admit it: Neville would die. DEAD. But perhaps Voldemort would make the same mistake twice and there would be a repeat of the wizard lightning battle in Goblet.

We conclude this adventure into Order of the Phoenix by assuring you that Dumbledore is win enough to be timely and would save poor Neville from that lurid, noseless mask.

We (almost humbly) encourage comments. This is going to strange, but ParadiseMomiji likes hearing about mistakes. Uh... Paradise, you forgot a word in that sentence...(I honestly didn't even try that, either…) Two heads is better than one, but we aren't (quite) miracle workers. We miss things. Like the possibility of Neville not getting the phoenix feather-core wand and dying in the graveyard. So let us know: we like input, and it'll show that you can think for yourself and aren't just a mindless cult-zombie. I'm a mindless cult-zombie