Harder than Living

A:N/ Here it is people, the Sequel to Easy as Breathing! I worked on this chapter for a while, and this was the final product, this chapter is really dark, but I will put up warnings for what to expect. ANYWAY, I wasn't really planning on making this, but inspiration struck and I wrote, this of course is going to be multiple chapters, but my schedule had changed and I won't be able to update weekly like I used to. But I will try my hardest. And I will try to keep a schedule on when I update, but this one is going to be longer than the last! This entire story is for someone who stuck with me all through the last one xXxTakaraxXx, this is for you!

Warnings:: super sad cloud, and mentions of rape.

Times had changed and things were easier than what they had been four years ago. It had been four years, and I was about to celebrate my twenty-first birthday. Zack and I were happier now, and things seemed to be going well. We were now engaged, and would be married in a few months; four years together and we were ready to take the next step.

I lay in the bed with his arms encircling me, and his sweet musky sent invading my senses. I smiled and dug my face into his chest, and took a deep breath of the smell that had me addicted. I felt his arms tighten around me signaling that he was awake. I slowly wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself up to his lips, giving him a light peck, then smiling I backed myself away from his face, watching his brilliant violet eyes open. When his eyes were open I grinned, and he returned it with his silly grin that I had fallen in love with.

His smile still awed me with its brightness, and practically took my breath away. He tightened his grip a little more, and put his face in my hair. I smiled put my face against his chest, I could lay like this for eternity never moving. But even the best things had to come to an end. I sighed when his arms unwrapped from around me, telling me he had to get up. I took my hands from around his neck, and got up from the bed, pouting slightly. But of course that was ended when I felt him lift me up and put me over his shoulder, lugging me to the bathroom with him.

"Zack, put me down right now, this isn't funny!" I yelled at him kicking and pounding at his back.

"Aww, Cloudy Boy here is trying to struggle when he knows his puppy is so much stronger than him." He said calmly, but teasingly. I sighed in defeat, knowing he was not going to put me down anytime soon.

When we reached the destination of the bathroom, he put me down, and I glared at him and childishly stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed and turned on the shower, I still stood there with my arms crossed, until I saw steam billowing out from the tub, signifying that the water was now warm.

I sighed and began to undress, blushing slightly at Zack staring at me. Even after four years I was still embarrassed to be nude in front of him, it's kind of childish, and I know that, but still I was always modest.

After our shower we raced down the stairs to answer the door, it was a exactly four years since I had become emancipated, so Tifa and Barret, who were now married, were coming to celebrate with us. I sighed mentally; four years… it had really been that long. I hadn't really changed all that much, I was still the insecure person I had always been… but Zack, he had changed, he had grown up so much over the last four years, even though he was still as playful, he had become more serious about life. He said it was because losing me, even for a few months had put things into perspective for him.

It had for me as well, but that did nothing to even breach my insecurities, it had nothing to do with them. That was something that would have to be worked with. "Hey Dad and Rikku how are you!" Rikku was now 14, and acted a lot like Zack, the excitable puppy. But we haven't figured out a nickname for her quite yet.

"Cloud and, Zack!" she said and lunged at me knocking me to the floor, both of us laughing.

"You aren't as little as you used to be, and your speech improves more and more each day." Four years ago Rikku had a speech impediment that had been with her, her entire life but after I had left it mysteriously vanished. It was a miracle I must say, but even now she needs speech therapy so she can keep her normal tone.

"Why thank you!" she said happily. My father looked at me smiling, she saw me every day, but she still was not used to the fact that I didn't live with her anymore, my father said that she was afraid I was going to leave again, like I did four years ago. he always reassure her that I would never leave of my own accord, and that if I did, Zack would hunt me down and bring me back in ropes and chains if needed. But I don't think that I could ever leave, I don't have the strength.

So the morning went on with conversations of how her schooling was doing, and how many friends she had, and even about her boyfriend Tidus. I was a little surprised that she had a boyfriend at such a young age, especially one that was two years older than her, but then again Zack was three years older than me, so I couldn't say much about age. When Tifa and Barret finally arrived the conversation really started, the same conversation as every year. And this conversation always seemed to drift back to my mother's death. See just last year they learned that the woman didn't cause the accident, it was her ex-boyfriend who was the truck driver.

He was mad because she had broken up with him so he decided that when he saw her on the road and he was in his truck he would take care of her, which in a way I was happy about, but mad at the same time. I was happy because she was out of my hair, but I was mad because she was murdered. I would have been just fine with the whole she was mad, so she decided to ram headfirst into the truck thing, which would be considered a freak accident. But murder was something that was not to be taken lightly.

Her ex-boyfriend was the same guy that she had been dating when I was trapped in Midgar with her, I now live in Traverse Town it was a better type of place to live, and I had once lived in Niebleheim which was a smaller type of town. But here it is so much easier to find jobs, and getting into Traverse University, for me, was a breeze. Of course I did have a final G.P.A of 3.879 but I worked for it. I worked for everything that I have right now. I had to fight to keep Zack as mine, thanks to my mother. Still I know nothing about her, except that she was a bitch when she wanted to be. And she was a bitch when it came to Zack and I being together… She tried damn near everything to keep us apart, even went as far as trying to separate us, and when I had to live with her, all she did was put him down, and when I finally had enough and told her off, she slapped me.

That was the day I finally went and got emancipated, I had been threatening it for a while, and I was going to wait until my seventeenth birthday, but she had drew the last straw, and I was done with her. I sighed aloud when I realized the course of our conversation was going, and excused myself to the restroom until that portion ended. My dad gave me a funny look, and then nodded knowingly, he knew that I didn't like to talk of anything that had to do with my mom, and I always avoided questions that had to do with her. So this year I mustered the courage to lie to everyone, and went to wait out that portion of the conversation, soon enough Zack had come to get me.

I guess he knew what I was doing to; he didn't like how easy I was disturbed when it came to my mother. But he still didn't know everything that went on in the few short months while I was there, there was a reason I kept myself locked in my room all the time. Reasons that were too dark to go too deeply into, things that I still didn't even want to dwell over that I just wanted to all be a terrible nightmare. But I knew in reality that wasn't going to happen, I knew that I would eventually have to tell Zack, and even my father what went on. My mother didn't even know some of the stuff that went on. I shivered, slightly, even in Zack's arms that brought chills that ran down my spine. He gave me a worried look, and I just shrugged it off, I wasn't going to9 tell him while everyone is here, I don't want to be the pity party, everyone circling around me with worried expressions on their face, I didn't like the fact that Zack would give me one, when I would suddenly just freeze up and drop a plate, or something.

I always just told him some excuse, like it slipped, or I dropped it. But in reality, it was memories haunting me, to no end, just torturing me. Sometimes I found myself waking in a cold sweat with tears running down my face, my throat hurting and Zack would have to calm me, down. It was always a different dream, featuring the same person, and it always turned out the same way, as it had in reality. But Zack had always been there through all of this, in the beginning it was so much harder, but he seemed to soothe things. Life was moving on, and I was slowly picking up the pace and moving with it. I didn't have to be scared anymore, because I knew that when I was with Zack I was safe.

That was something that I knew, he wouldn't ever let anyone hurt his Chocobo, which was why I was so afraid to tell him what went on. I tried to keep him out of the loop on that, so he wouldn't freak out on me. I didn't want to be under a constant watch by him, over something that happened a long time ago. Which I knew he would, he already has a watch on me, because of the nightmares, and I didn't want to have him make me go to counseling, even though that would probably help me, but I doubt they would let me have Zack in there with me, and he always kept me calm.

._._._.

IT was nighttime and everyone had left, everyone was in a good mood, well with the exception of me. I had waited until everyone left, and sat on my couch with tears streaming down my face. Zack was of course right there comforting and consoling me, well doing his best anyway. He had no clue as to why I was crying in the first place, yes I would have to tell him, and it would have to be soon. It was probably driving him crazy on the inside. So I decided to tell him what happened while he wasn't there.

"Zack, I need to tell you something…" I said through my sobs.

"What is it?" He said soothingly.

"It's about why I'm crying and why I always avoid questions about the time I was in Midgar." I said and he gave me a look.

"Okay, what is it Cloudy?" He said in a serious, but soothing tone.

"Well, you know my mom's boyfriend the one you almost got into a fight with?" I asked, he nodded, so I went on. "Well, he was out the house even while my mom wasn't, except for on the few days when he would have to go to work. Zack, he knew that I was gay." I said, looking down, the tears that were already falling at a pretty steady pace, and they began falling harder. I took a deep breath and continued, "Zack, the reason I was so eager to sleep with you on your first day there, was because he… he raped me." And with that I lost all control, my sobs raked through my body even harder.

"I knew something was wrong, I knew you avoided the questions too much. But I never knew why. I had always thought you didn't want to dwell on the past, but you did dwell, you had nightmares, and you always froze up. I noticed things that probably even you didn't notice, like how you suddenly stopped wearing your old clothes, and how you went out and bought a whole new wardrobe." He was babbling, I could tell he was crying, and his grip around me tightened, like he was never going to let me go again.

This why, why things had been so hard... And the past itself was harder than living.

A:N/ okay this chapter made me want to cry all the way through it. but of course things will get better, I just needed a thing that would set back happiness until it was resolved, I read over easy as breathing, and I noticed how I didn't dwell over his time in Midgar and I thought maybe in this one I could tell you some on what happened, so you didn't wonder of course. Anyway, Review! And flames well let's just say that I will warm myself up with them. AND constructive criticism is something I need, so please feel free to leave some, but no flaming.