Title: Road to the Apocalypse

Author: AuntMo

Artist: Vivian Tanner

Genre: Gen; Comedy/Humor

Pairing (if applicable): None

Rating: PG-13 for language
Warnings: Language; while the overall story is a comedy because it takes place during the Apocalypse there are mentions of massacres and a mention of a past run-in with a pedophile. Spoilers through 5.19 Hammers of the Gods, though it goes AU after 5.10 Abandon All Hope

Tier/Word Count: 5k/18,881 words (entire story)

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters. Nor do I own any of the Road to films or any of the other dozen or so television shows referenced herein. This was all just written for my enjoyment and hopefully yours as well.
Summary: Shortly after the events at Carthage, on a seemingly normal hunt, Dean and Cas disappear. Not knowing who else to turn to and fearing the worst, Sam asks Gabriel for his help in locating both of their brothers. In return, Sam reluctantly agrees that Gabriel can feel free to try and convince Sam to play his role in the Apocalypse, he just isn't making any promises that he will consent to anything.

What follows next is an adventure that pays tribute to the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope Road to movies, with a trip to a carnival where Sam has to wrestle an octopus. And Dean and Cas have disappeared into a unique set of problems of their own, leaving Dean to suspect that Sam might be in more trouble than he realizes.

A/N: Written for the sabriel_mini challenge over on livejournal. To see the art that goes with the story, you will need to find the links on my journal over there (auntmo9). I owe a debt of gratitude to my betas Jesse A Harper and novakev. Jesse A Harper has been with me all the way as a sounding board and general all around cheerleader, while novakev graciously agreed to come in late in the game and read the whole thing over as someone with an outsider's opinion. I also owe some thanks yous to some other wonderful people, but to do so now who give away some spoilers, so look for an additional note at the end.

Bonus Feature: How a Crosby/Hope Classic Translated into a Supernatural Fic, as told by an Archangel.

"Is this it? Is this where you want me to be? Alright geesh, quit your shoving, I'll do your dirty work you lazy good for nothing...

"Okay, so I know this is the part where most authors stick their notes and all that, but yours is a little lazy, so she bribed me to come out here and explain it to all you muttonheads. You should probably recognize me because I've been keeping you entertained for however long it takes you to read one of these things. But in case you're one of the freaks like the author here who skips to the end to read everything, I'm known around the galaxy as Gabriel, archangel, Messenger of God, in some parts known as Loki, the Trickster god when I was in my own witness protection program, also just all around handsome dude known the world over for his brilliance and sense of humor and of course sometimes to the Winchesters I'm just a general pain-in-the-a...ow...alright, alright, I will get on with it. Geesh, considering the fact that I'm only working for peanuts here, you think she would be nicer to me. No, it's not really peanuts, it's peanut M & M's...

"Anywho...on to the notes. So it says here that M & M's Plain Chocolate candies were introduced in 1941 as a means to spur flagging chocolate sales, and they really were first introduced to the US military, but that whole Skip Muck thing, geesh you people, talk about an overused plot device…hey, okay, I'll get on it with it. There also really is a Japanese ghoul in folk lore known as the O-dokuro. Yeah, I should know. I went up against one of those things back in '64. 1564 that is. And that yes all that tragedy happened in Independence...ya'know, it would be a lot easier if you just said all that stuff in the prologue was well researched instead of making me read this...OW...are you going to poke me every time I get out of line?

"Fine, fine...so onto what truly inspired this story...so that is what they are calling it these days when you are too lazy or too stupid to come up with an original idea of your own, huh? Inspiration. I will have to remember that one. Like those section titles that were inspired by animated shorts from Bugs Bunny and Wallace and Gromit. OW...geesh, I'm also going to have to remember to move every time I insult you, too.

"So, this story was 'inspired by' the Bob Hope and Bing Crosby classic Road to movie series, which include such films as Road to Morocco, Road to Utopia and the Road to Zanzibar. Those guys were comic geniuses…geniuses, really? I mean, hey they would have been nothing with out me. I inspired them, okay lady…I gave them some pretty good material, too. There were some pretty good running gags that all of those films had like breaking the fourth wall. The story you just read didn't really have that, but I guess you could say we are doing that little shtick now.

"And of course, in all of the films, those mooks were con-artists trying to make money, in ways that never quite worked out, because they weren't as smart as me. So anyway, Bing was the brains of the operation, coming up with the ideas and Bob had to do all the dirty work. So, obviously I was Bing, the handsome dude in this story, and Sammy was that other guy. Speaking of being handsome, Sammy made me swear off women because that was one of those stupid things those muttonheads did in their films, too. They would usually promise to not allow women to interfere with their plans, and both would immediately see a woman and forget that promise. Bing's character, aka the handsome dude, aka moi, would usually get the girl in the end but your author is too much of a slacker to throw in a little romance because she thinks it would detract from the rest of the story…what-ever…so you only got a cameo from Dorothy Lamour, who was such a hottie by the way, as the waitress at the diner. Dorothy was the romantic interest in all of the Road to films.

"Then we get to the "patty cake" routine before throwing punches, you caught that, right? Bing and Bob overused that if you asked me, but it was kind of funny to see two grown men play patty cake before punching out some loser who didn't see it coming. And I had no choice here because Sammy didn't want anybody to see me use my powers and get the mistaken idea that I am actually a god…geesh he can be such a stick in the mud at times.

"Now that I have wasted your time and mine pointing out the general themes that are consistent in those flicks, I think I have to point out some things that the author just flat out lifted from specific films…you know to point out the fact that she lacks creativity of her own….OW….okay, okay…was using to 'paying tribute' to those films. In Road to Morocco Bing and Bob played two schmucks by the names of Jeff Peters and Orville 'Turkey' Jackson. I'm sure you remember seeing the name Orville popping up. Anyway, Jeff sold Orville off into slavery to a princess and she mentioned that in the story briefly. She also made me sing a few lines from the song "Road to Morocco", though I got to change a line here and there, because I am my own man…put that away...I'll tell the truth…she changed the line, alright, that good enough for you?

"Then there's the Road to Utopia, where the mooks played Duke Johnson and Chester Hooton and if any of you were paying attention when I was spinning the yarn about the two of them that was basically the plot about that movie. Well, except the part about me trying to prank them.

"The film she, uh-hem, stole the most from was Road to Zanzibar. Like in all the other films, Crosby and Hope played a couple of shysters except here they have a carnival act where Hope gets shot out of a cannon and through a ring of fire. Of course, it's all a scam. Not a bad trick if I do say so myself. The problem is, they start a fire and get run out of town. They aren't the brightest bulbs in the bunch. Crosby's always trying to come up with the next scam and he suggests Hope wrestle with an octopus, which Hope refused to do. That is where your author here came up with the idea of a carnival and Sammy wrestling an octopus and since I am, shall we say, a little more persuasive where the kid is concerned, he did actually end up wrestling an octopus, of sorts. I got a kick out of that. Then there was the whole scene with the tribe. In the movie, that happened in Africa, but the writer here moved it to an island and proceeded to borrow quite a few lines straight from the movie because she thought they sounded better come from a, hey wait a minute…I think that is an insult…what do you mean if the shoe fits?

"Geesh...so, near the end when…oh yeah, you caught that did you? I was wondering if anyone noticed how I slipped that that song on to the radio. Dean can really be an 'Auntie Grizelda' type sometimes if you think about. No, I am not going to elaborate on that. But these people are welcome to spend time Googling the Monkees if they want to. That's what YouTube is for after all; they might even learn a thing or two about the Mozzarella Brothers while they are at it. Now, apparently what your author got out of these films was the buddy aspect of these two scamps on the road and she took it and ran with it. So that is why you got such a lousy ending, or should I say, no ending at all. I mean, who leaves their readers with that? Do you even know if we get the other rings or not? Come on lady...hmm, what's that you say? You might write a sequel...how do you know I am even willing to show up and participate in a sequel...I am not going to work for peanut M & M's forever...what?...pie...well, now then, that might be a possibility.

"Okay, it's about time to wrap it all up here and she says I have to read this word for word or she won't ever let me come out again….ever. Really? You call that a threat lady…and who do you think you are, threatening an angel of the Lord, do you even believe in my Dad? …what do you mean I am not really the archangel Gabriel?….just a fictional representation of him from the mind of Eric Kripke...what you do mean my Dad is much more awesome and impressive than a bearded, pajama wearing drunk who writes bad fiction?….you're really pushing it, do you know that?...fine, okay, I'll read it….and I quote 'If anyone thinks it is easy to try and wrangle plots bunnies that involve certain 'fictional' archangels, then I would try and caution them about trying to share mind space with said archangels who have questionable mental health stability'...hey what do you mean 'questionable mental health stability'...there are no questions...all of them have been answered…I was tested!...that's it, lady, you can finish this on your own...I am out of here!"

A/N 2: So, since my accomplice has made a hasty retreat, I will take this opportunity to step forward and acknowledge a few other people. First of all, a shout out to Maat, who in one of her fics, had Dean refer to her fabulous OC as "Armageddon Barbie." This not only gave me the idea for Dean to use the term "Survivor Barbie", but also triggered my memory that there have been contestants on that show referred to as such. Then there is San Antonio Rose, who on more than one occasion has had Gabriel interfere with the radio to play a song that a character needs to hear and she was gracious enough to allow me to use that idea here. In fact, all of these ladies were kind enough to let me use ideas that I first saw in their stories. All three of them have wonderful fics so if you are looking for something to read, I suggest you go check out their work. And that brings me finally to Tari Roo, who first used the concept of trying to explain the idea of a tramp stamp to a bemused outsider, though in her case it was Ronon of SG-A.

Now, just fyi, I have the vaguest of ideas for a sequel, but no time frame as of yet as to when I will start writing it.

Thank you so much for reading!