Chapter 14
George sat there with everyone else. And like everyone else, he felt empty. Like a piece of him was missing. Only he felt like half of his heart was gone. Like the other half of it was lying with Izzie in that box. That white and gold rectangular box, that no one could tear their eyes away from. He could hear someone speaking, but their voice sounded so far away.
His eyes stung as he looked up into the unusually sunny sky. Yes, it was a nice, beautiful, warm, and sunny day in Seattle. But to him, it didn't feel so. It felt like a cold, cloudy, despairing day. He just wished she was here with him, to witness this rare beautiful day with him. Then he could truly enjoy it.
He was dragged from his thoughts as he felt Meredith stand up, and walk towards the podium. She stood up there and took a deep breath before speaking.
"Izzie was, as most of you know, a great, bright, and wonderful person." She paused as she looked around at all the people who were sitting before her. "She was, as some would say, the life of the party. She always brought a smile to my face. She always tried her hardest to cheer people up when they were down. Even if she was hurt badly on the inside, she made sure her friends were okay before even thinking about her own problems."
She paused again, but this time to briefly wipe her eyes. She took another shaky breath and smiled slightly before continuing.
"When I first learned of her cancer, I- I didn't really ever process it. I ran away and tried to pretend it wasn't there, because that was what was easier for me to do. Izzie, she would never have done that. She would have sat there with me everyday, and told me to get off my ass and live what life I had left to the fullest."
She paused yet again, looking at the ground, trying to find the strength to go on. It would be so much easier if Izzie were here. She would tell her the right words to say. She would tell her that everything would be okay, and that this pain wouldn't last forever. She looked back up at everyone with tears in her eyes and breathed deeply, and continued.
"Izzie was-" she paused, suddenly hating the past tense in which she had been referring to her friend "Izzie is one of the greatest people I have ever, or will ever meet. She is more than just my friend, she's my family. And I-" she stopped again, finding it unbearable to stand in front of these people anymore. "I miss her."
She put her hands over her face and cried.
Derek walked over to Meredith and led her to her seat. He put his arms around her and let her cry on his shoulder. He rocked her slightly, trying to soothe her, praying that she would be okay. Because honestly, he wasn't sure she would ever recover from this. After everything she had been through, he knew that this was just too much for her. Yes, Meredith had known Izzie was going to die, but she didn't expect it to happen this soon. She had expected to have more time. She needed more time. And now she didn't have that.
George stared at Meredith and Derek. He wanted to go over and console her, but he felt immobile. He felt as though he was glued to his seat, and would have to sit here, at Izzie's grave, forever.
He looked up as he saw the priest standing there, throwing a handful of dirt onto the coffin as it was being lowered into the round.
"Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. George wake up."
George looked up, feeling completely confused.
"What?" he said, finding his voice.
"Wake up," the priest said, but for some reason, he sounded like Meredith.
Suddenly George opened his eyes, and looked around. He sat up, feeling very strange. He looked at Meredith, standing above him, looking at him with concern. He stood up and realized he had been sleeping in the hallway of the hospital.
"Izzie-" he started.
"Is fine," she said, smiling slightly. "They had to pump her stomach, but she'll be okay. I figured you'd want to see her first," she said, motioning towards the door.
He smiled slightly and said thanks before running into Izzie's room. He walked in and saw her lying there, hooked up to different machines, looking extremely pale.
"Oh God, Izzie," he said, walking over and kissing her gently on the head.
She looked up at him sadly.
He stood back and looked at her.
"Why?" he asked.
"I wanted it to stop," she said simply.
"The pain?" he asked.
She nodded.
"Well why didn't you say something to Dr. Montgomery? She could have prescribed you some pain medication."
Izzie sighed slightly.
"It wasn't just the physical pain George. I couldn't stand knowing that at the end of each day, it was one day less I had to live."
"Izzie, everyday anyone lives it one day less for them, not just you," he said, trying to reason with her.
"Yeah, but not everyone only has less than a year," she replied.
"What?" he asked.
Izzie sighed and looked away.
"Izzie, what do you-" he began.
"I'm tired, so could you leave so I can get some sleep?" She said, not looking at him.
"Yeah," he said, feeling defeated. He glanced at her one last time, before he left the room.
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A little while later, Meredith walked into Izzie's room and sat down by her bed. She waited there patiently, for Izzie to wake up.
Finally Izzie stirred and opened her eyes, and looked at Meredith.
"Why'd you do it Izz?" she asked.
Izzie could barely stand George asking her questions, but it was worse with Meredith. They had, after all, been her pills that she took.
"Those were my pills. If anyone was going to go out with them, it'd be me," Meredith said.
Izzie sighed. "I don't know. I hadn't intended on taking them. But then I saw them, and it just seemed like a good thing to do."
"Izzie, killing yourself should never sound like 'A good thing to do,'" She said seriously.
"Mer I'm so sorry," Izzie said, trying to hold back the tears. "The past 2 months, have been extremely hard. And then today-" she paused "I just needed everything to go away. So I went home, found the alcohol, and thought it would help. And then when I found your pills, I thought, hey why not? Why not take a few, what's the worse that could happen? And then I thought about it, and realized how much easier things would be if it all just ended now."
Meredith looked at Izzie sadly, not really sure what she could say to that. What could she say that would actually help Izzie?
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Alex sat there, on the end of her bed, trying to understand what was going through her head.
"What the hell were you thinking?" he asked.
Izzie sighed, wishing he would go away.
"Alex I don't need this from you," she said, looking at him.
"Oh what like I do?" he asked, raising his voice.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I don't need this. I don't need you trying to kill yourself," he said, rather bluntly.
"Well I never asked you to worry about it, so why are you?" she said, coldly.
He looked at her with a disgusted expression.
"Well it's not like I planned on it. It's not like I planned on caring. But I do. I care about you Izzie, and this needs to stop."
Her eyes watered as she looked at him.
"I just want it to stop," she said.
"Like I don't! You're not the only one who is going through this. We all are. This hurts as just as much Izzie, and you pulling stupid shit like this just makes it that much harder for all of us. What if George hadn't found you in time? What if they weren't able to save you? Do you know what that would have done to all of us?" he asked, feeling extremely frustrated with her.
"Alex I'm sorry, I didn't realize-"
"Yeah, obviously," he said, meanly.
Izzie looked at him, and then suddenly broke down in tears.
"I never meant to hurt anyone Alex. I never wanted that," she cried.
Alex sighed and moved closer to her, putting his arms around her.
"I know," he said quietly. "Just-" he paused, looking at her "Promise you'll never try something like that again," he said.
"I promise."
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Shortly after Alex left, Cristina walked in and sat in the chair that Meredith had been in.
"So is this where I come in here and interrogate you?" she asked.
"I think so," Izzie replied.
"Oh, well okay, why did you do it?" she asked, sounding rather bored.
"You don't have to ask, everyone else already did," Izzie said.
"Oh, well in that case-" she moved to stand up.
"You're Jewish," Izzie said.
Cristina looked at her strangely.
"Yes, I know," she said.
"You believe in God right?" she asked.
"Where are you going with this?" she asked.
"Do you believe that he really decides when people die?"
"I don't know…" she replied.
"Because if that's true, then why are their doctors? I mean, if God wants someone to die, then they'll die whether they see a doctor or not."
Cristina just sat there and stared at her, wondering what kind of meds they had her on.
"And I figure why let God control when I die. I don't need God to tell me when to die. And if I do have some sort of time limit, then why should I be the one who decides?"
Cristina finally realized what she was saying.
"Izzie, you-"
"No, let me finish!" she yelled. "I get to decide. Not some other doctor, not God, me. I get to say when and where I die. I get to have a say in when I leave this world. So that's why I did it. Because I may not have a say in whether my hair falls out, or if I feel weak when I wake up in the morning, but I will have a say in my death!" her eyes watered as she looked at Cristina.
"Izzie you don't get a say," Cristina said quietly.
"Well I should!" she yelled.
Cristina stood up and rested a hand on Izzie shoulder.
"But you don't."
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George walked in later than night, and found her to be wide awake.
"Hey" he said.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.
"For what?" he asked.
"Everything. For putting you through this. For yelling at you earlier and kicking you out."
He smiled slightly and kissed her softly on the lips.
"I love you no matter what. You could yell at me until you're blue in the face, but I'll never stop loving you."
She smiled and looked into his eyes.
"I love you too."