Synchronous Rotation: Always Facing

Chapter 7

Morning in May, Ludo, Edward/Bella

I'm terrified to think you might be real

"Four hours?" A whimper, she had asked the question twelve times already.

"You won't even notice. You'll just go to sleep and wake up a moment later."

"Will I dream?"

"I don't think so."

"Will it hurt?"

"They are very good, I'm sure you'll be in a little pain as possible."

"But…four hours?"

Mike smiled grimly and squeezed Bella's hand. "I'll be right there when you wake up."

Bella frowned. "What about Alice?"

"She will be there too."

Bella turned her head away, wincing with the feel of the pillow case against her bare skin. "They are going to cut into my head," She whispered.

Mike stroked her forehead, a habit for when she had hair. "You won't feel it or even see it."

She looked to the doorway, suddenly a little desperate. She closed her eyes and tried to calm herself. "Can you leave now?"

Mike looked shocked and a little hurt. "Why? Do you need something?"

She shook her head, her eyes pleading. "No, I just need some time to myself. I've only got a few more minutes, right?" She finally squeezed his hand. "I might start crying and I don't want you to see that."

Her husband stroked her forehead again and kissed it, like he relished in the touch. She visibly calmed more. "If that's what you want. I love you."

She smiled. "I love you too."

Mike slowly left the room, worried, but obviously trying to put up a strong front. Edward wished her could put a hand on his shoulder as he passed by. He wanted to apologize for having any less than the utmost faith Mike would be a good husband and father. But the man passed him without even noticing. Edward slipped into the room.

Bella may have noticed Edward lurking in the doorway and so lied to get Mike out of the room. But she did look close to tears. "Edward," She whispered and raised her hand.

He took it. "I wasn't sure if you wanted to see me."

Her eyes were wet as she shook her head. "I need to see you. Especially before I go in there," She looked at him pleadingly. "Can you stay nearby? I mean, enough to see me and make sure everything is fine?"

He held her hand with strong fingers. "I promise to not let you out of my sight," It would take some effort, but nothing too difficult for a mind reading vampire to handle.

She sighed and looked around the room. "You know, every time I'm in a hospital, I half expect Carlisle to come around the curtain," She turned her gaze back to Edward. "I wish he was doing the surgery."

Edward smiled. "As talented as he is, Carlisle is not a brain surgeon. But don't worry, I had him check out your doctors, he has great faith in them."

Bella gave half a laugh, the most out of the morning. "Really?"

He nodded. "And I looked up what nurses will also be in the room. Everyone is very qualified," He paused. "Or I made sure they were."

That earned him a stronger laugh and it lifted a tiny portion of the incredible weight on his chest. "Edward, how could I ever thank you?"

He lightly traced her eyebrows. "You have nothing to thank me for. Besides, it will be worth it to see you wake up healthy and happy."

"Well then, I'll try my best to be happy."

It was eight hours before they began to put her back together. And another two before they let her family go see her. But she wasn't awake. They didn't know when she would wake.

Edward held his head between his knees, futilely trying to block out the noise and smells from the hospital. Old blood, diseased blood, fresh blood, it was making him nauseous. He had fed well the day before, but it only made it worse. It was like eating a feast then having to sit in front of another rotten one.

Or his stomach was in knots from stress. He wanted to go sit with Bella, but he didn't want to be seen by her family. He would wait until after hours, it would be simple to sneak in.

Somehow his three days passed infinitely slowly and incredibly fast. One second he was dying from suspense, the next he wished to have a few more hours back. A few more hours with her.

"She will wake up," He whispered, a mantra to himself. "She will wake up and feel fine and pleasant and the same as before. She will wake up."

The scent changed and there was a warmth beside him. He looked sideways to see Jacob settling himself in the chair beside him. He looked unkempt, his shirt wrinkles and hair tangled. Mindlessly he braided it and unbraided it over his shoulder. "They'll leave soon, visiting hours are ending. Mike and Charlie want to stay in her room for the night, but they have to think about Alice."

His voice was hoarse and Edward wondered if he had been screaming or completely silent. "A hotel."

Jacob nodded, still looking straight ahead. "I will stay here."

"In the waiting room?"

Another nod. "If I have to," He swallowed before turning his head to Edward. He was too afraid to look him in the eyes. "You will go into her room, won't you," It wasn't a question, so Edward nodded.

"You want me to bring you as well."

"I want to see her before-"

"Before she wakes up," Edward cut in, putting his head back between his knees.

Jacob hesitated for a moment. "Some of us are too afraid to say that. Some of us don't know enough," It was a leading sentence and Edward decided to give in a little.

"I was in the operating room," He pursed his lips and closed his eyes again. "It was…much worse than they thought. So much…" He sighed, "so much more than they thought. Time consuming, not to mention Bella's body kept throwing in other complications. She never came close to…well, she never came close, but it felt close."

There was a warm hand on the back of his neck. "I'm glad you were there. And I'm sure she was glad you were there."

Edward gave Jacob another glance. "I hope so, she requested it of me."

Jacob didn't know that. "Really?" 'So perhaps she had planned…?'

The werewolf tried to cut off the thought, but Edward could still see it. He was surprised that he hadn't thought of it before. "I don't…know about that."

Jacob bit his lip. "Then now perhaps is the best time to ask her."

"Do you really want me to?"

The werewolf looked away, his hand back to his hair. "Maybe thirteen years ago, no. But I've learned how to value life since then, no matter the circumstance."

It was quiet and still, Bella barely seemed to breathe under the sheets. Jacob immediately knelt by her bedside, resting his chin on the mattress like a dog to his master. But as Edward locked the door, he couldn't bring himself to tease the man. Perhaps it's because he wished he could look so weak. He wished he could fall to his knees and put his head in her lap. But that was never the case between him and Bella. She was always weaker, fragile. He held her head as she cried or slept, never the other way.

Jacob was whispering to her, but Edward didn't want to listen. Instead he picked up her chart, glancing through it half a dozen times. And then once more. He wanted the words to change, the diagnosis to suddenly rearrange itself.

"Is it bad?" Jacob had turned to him, his head now resting on his arms, as if he were getting ready to fall asleep.

Edward shook his head. It wasn't bad, but nothing had changed in the past few hours. For once in his life, he wanted something to change. "They are doing their best."

Jacob frowned, seeing through Edward's blind comfort. "Why doesn't she wake?"

"She will."

'I am.'

The voice was soft and blurred and Edward dropped her chart between limp fingers. Jacob was immediately on his feet, wondering at the vampires reaction. "What-?"

Edward held up a hand, staring as the sheets continued to rise and fall with weak breathes. "Bella?" He whispered, barely loud enough for human hearing.

'Edward.'

Her voice, the voice of her mind was younger than her body. It was bright and weightless, it was the sound Edward remembered from thirteen years ago. His eyes burned, he wished he could weep, but vampires had no tears. Instead he walked to her bedside, wishing to embrace her, but afraid of breaking her delicate body.

"Bella, my Bella," He whispered, his hands clenched in the bed sheets.

'My Edward. I'm so tired.'

"Don't strain yourself," He closed his eyes, seeing her as seventeen with long brown hair. "Just relax."

'I can't seem to open my eyes. I'm so tired.'

"That's alright. I can hear you."

Jacob was at his side, bracing himself against the side table. "Bella? Is she awake? Can you…?"

"She is and…yes," He tore himself away from the vision in his mind and looked at the werewolf. He didn't know what to say, he felt like his insides were building up then crumbling down like glass houses.

"How?"

Edward looked to her body, white under white sheets. A thick bandage around her head and suddenly he felt a little sick. "Can it really be?"

Jacob leaned forward, pressing his shoulder against Edward's back. "The surgery…the tumor?"

Edward landed on his knees, cracking the tiled floor. It was an awful thing, the idea that a hideous tumor is what kept Edward from reading her mind. An awful thing that so many years ago it was there, trying to tear them apart as it was doing now.

'Jacob? Is Jacob there?'

"Yes," Edward gasped, forcing himself to breathe enough to speak.

'Can I talk to him?'

Edward desperately wished she would wake, open her eyes or do anything besides for her shallow breathing. Why does her mind sound so much stronger than her body? "I will have to speak for you."

'That's okay. Can you tell Jacob to take my hand? I want to feel him.'

Her control over her thoughts was tentative, obviously from lack of experience. She was pouring all of her concentration in keeping coherent that she could barely think of little else. Edward looked at Jacob, barely seeing him. "Take her hand, she wants to speak to you."

The werewolf nodded mutely and went to the other side of the bed. His touch was warm and strong, but Bella could barely feel it.

'Thank you. Thank you for this Edward.'

"No need for thanks," He whispered, wanting to take her other hand, but it was covered in tubes and needles. It frightened him.

'Jacob? I'm so sorry about this Jake, but I need to tell you something.'

Edward parroted her words and Jacob's eyes never left her still face. "Don't apologize," He whimpered.

'I want you to go home, Jake, to your father. I want you to talk to him, okay?'

Jacob swallowed thickly. "Why are you telling me this?"

'Because I know you haven't spoken to him for about ten years now. It's about time you tried again,' She paused, but Jacob couldn't speak. 'Please, promise me that you will try.'

The shifter pressed her numb hand against his forehead. "Will you come with me?" He whispered.

'Jacob, I'm so tired. I don't know if I have…the strength.'

"But you'll get better, right?"

'Maybe, but I don't want you leaning on me any longer. I'm not as strong as you. You must talk to him on your own. Now go, before it gets dark.'

He didn't lift his head. "It's already dark, Bella."

'Oh…then before morning. I just need you to do this.'

"I don't want to leave you."

'I'm not going anywhere.'

Jacob looked up at her face and Edward saw that his mind was imagining her the same way he was; young and beautiful again. "Promise?"

'Promise. But please leave, I also need to speak with Edward alone.'

After Edward had finished her words Jacob stood up slowly. He gave Edward a piercing look, as if he wanted to say something or do something. But instead he quietly exited the room and locked the door behind him.

"You were quick to send him away," Edward murmured.

'He was so nervous and frightened, it was scaring me.'

He tried to smile, it wasn't quite coming yet. "I'm glad you're not scared."

'I'm almost surprised at how calm I am right now. Or that I can speak to you at all. I guess I have little else to distract me.'

"You'll get better, in time. Jacob is as coherent in thought as in speech, no matter the situation."

'He's had a lot of experience. I could never hope to have his control. And you should tell him that some time, I'm sure he would like that.'

Edward didn't know what to say to that, so he let it drop. "How are you feeling? Can you open you're eyes? Or move at all?"

A long pause and Edward counted her heart beast, soft but steady. 'Perhaps…but I don't know if I want to. My mind feels so separated from my body, like I'm on the edge of sleep. One lapse and I'll be gone.'

He hated the way she said that. "So no pain then?"

'Distant.'

"That's good," He exhaled. If she was suffering, he would rather her go back into the unconscious."It will only get better."

'Edward, I…I'm not sure I will be getting better.'

"Don't say that, Bella," It made him want to crush something. The sheets knotted in his fists were tearing from the effort.

'It's just a…feeling, I guess. I can't explain Edward. Not today, maybe not tomorrow. But I have a feeling that I won't be able to speak to my family again.'

"You're just scared from the surgery. It was complicated, but you came out fine."

'But I'm not scared. That's why I need to talk to you.'

He didn't want to hear this, but he would never stop it. "Bella, I'll be right here. I won't let you go."

Her breathing halted for a single moment, before resuming it's regular pace. She did not speak, but Edward saw what she was thinking of. 'I can't…I don't…'

For the first time, Edward leaned forward and traced her eyebrows. "I can't lose you again. I can make sure you will live."

Her mind was struggling to form coherent words, everything was a whirlwind. He didn't even try to make sense of it, but let her think it all through.

'Edward…did you know that when you first came back and I opened the door to find you on my doorstep after thirteen years, I fell in love with you all over again.'

He wished he could smile. "I did too."

'If, at that very moment, you asked me to follow you for eternity, I would have done it. I would have left my husband, father, and daughter without a second thought.'

"I doubt that."

'No, it's true. If you could have read my mind then, you would know it's true. And I have a feeling that even afterwards, I wouldn't have even cared that I abandoned them. Because I would have you again. You were all I always ever wanted. Even when I accepted Mike's proposal, I thought of you. When I met him at the alter, I thought of you. The first time I felt Alice in my arms, I thought of you. I never fell out of love with you, Edward, I just learned to push it aside and make room for others.'

It was a long train of thought, but it was so clear. Edward knew she had been thinking about it for a long time. "You don't have to worry about me leaving you again," He repeated. "I promise you."

'I can't have you do that.'

"What?"

'I can't have you keep me, Edward. I can't become a vampire. I refuse.'

The bed sheet tore, loud in the silent room. "But Bella-?"

'No, please listen while my mind feels so calm. I may love you, but I'm no longer seventeen. For so many years now, I've learned how to not think of only myself, my wants and pleasures. I've learned how to think of others.'

The image was clear in her mind and Edward forced himself to relax his grip. "Alice," He whispered, the small girl suddenly having a presence in the room.

'Yes, my daughter. I've given it a lot of thought ever since she was born. I know now that I can't let her know of your world. I won't do that to her. And if you can't promise me anything else, promise me that you won't whisper the name vampire to her, or werewolf.'

He thought of the photograph she had of him. Or that fact that she had known Jacob for six years now when he has never aged. She was still ignorant, but it wouldn't be long before she began to ask questions. "I may hide her from myself, but Jacob will be another matter."

'There is more I must beg of you, Edward. So much more.'

"Please stop talking like this, Bella. You will become well and I will leave. You need not ask of more," It was making sense in his mind. The warnings of Alice and Carlisle were nothing more than this horrific stress of four days. He would be gone in a few days because Bella requested it, nothing more.

'No, I need to say this all, because I know I am fragile and I am becoming weaker all the time. Please listen and don't convince me to stop.'

He lightly touched her temple. "I'm listening," His words tasted like lead.

'You must take Jacob with you. This is a lot to ask, but I know it will be for the best, for everyone. Tell him everything I say to you now and make sure he reconciles with his dad. But he will need you and I know you will need him.'

"I…I cannot make any promises. Things between us are complicated," He bit his words, unwilling to say more.

'I cannot force you to do anything. But consider, please consider.'

He hated the way those words echoed Jacob's. "Why do you not want Alice to know of vampires or werewolves?" For any other person, he could understand. But Bella's life was always so intertwined with the supernatural.

'You are complicated, Edward. Vampires are complicated. There is danger, yes, but so much allure. I'm in love with you and have been for most of my life. But I can't have you. I do not want this for Alice. For her, I want normality…balance.'

"You can have me, Bella. That's what I keep telling you," He couldn't understand why she didn't see that.

'You don't want me, Edward. You want what I was. That is why I refuse for you to turn me, because my heart will be broken in leaving Alice and my heart will be broken when you see that we can't go back to the way things were.'

He wanted to object. The statements were all wrong, but his throat felt constricted. Instead he stroked her neck, hoping to convey all the emotion her couldn't describe.

'Edward, my love, I can see things that you cannot imagine. I can see myself with you for an eternity, but in broken pieces that could never touch you. I would rather die.'

He closed his eyes, now hating the image of the teenaged Bella her voice brought. Then Alice's words, from a short eternity ago, came ringing back in his mind. Bella has…aged, Edward. She has seen and experienced things that have changed her. No human is the same when they are seventeen or thirty or whatever. We are both victims of the teenage experience, we can't escape it. "You're right," He whispered. "I can't imagine it."

'Edward, why did you leave me?'

For such a simple question, he could see how hard it was for her to voice. He did not ask for clarification, he knew what she meant. "I can't…I can't really remember anymore," He hated to say it, it sounded like such a lie.

'Please, can you try? I need to know.' She wasn't doubting him, but she knew he was resisting.

He traced he made on her bed sheets. "I suppose it was your eighteenth birthday," He murmured.

'You mean that incident with Jasper?'

He grimaced. "It was a little more than a incident, Bella. You could have died."

'It was only a small cut.'

His fingernail accidently ripped the sheet further. He closed his eyes, trying to relax. "Yes, in retrospect, it was only a small cut, but it could have been so much worse."

'But Jasper couldn't even touch me. You protected me.'

Her teenaged voice matched her words and he could see her young and wide-eyed, still not understanding. "Bella, it was more than just Jasper who wanted to attack you…I did as well."

She was confused, her thoughts a little too incoherent, but he grasped her point.

"I know you think me as your champion, but every day was a struggle. You had such high expectations of me, and I fought hard to meet them."

'I never intended to pressure you.'

He sighed deeply, trying to relax. "I know, and that is why I put in so much effort. It felt so good to have you depend on me, believe in me, like I was normal and human. But on that day, I nearly broke like Jasper did. In fact, I think the only reason why I didn't is because he reacted first."

'But you didn't, Edward. Can't you see how that makes all the difference?'

The mature Bella was back again and he opened his eyes. Her skin seemed stretched too tightly across her face and she was as pale as him. "I suppose," He whispered.

'But that didn't matter to you, did it.' She sounded so old, even with the youthful voice of her mind.

"I could protect you from so many things. Humans, cars, vampires. And it hurt to have to protect you from my own brother. But it was unbearable to think I had to protect you from myself," He remembered feeling like he was being drawn very tightly. As if some incredible force was tuning him like the strings of the piano too sharp. At any moment he could snap and he didn't know how he would react. In the end, it wasn't a violent reaction, it was a cold one.

'You meant everything you said to me then, right?' Her voice was heartbroken.

He swallowed, but there was no fluid in his throat. "Yes, but I wasn't myself."

Bella was remembering it now, repeating it carefully in her mind. 'Over the years, I've always wondered. As a teenager, of course I believed you, but as I grew older…well, I began to wonder.'

"I'm sorry," He whispered, wishing his voice was stronger.

'It was a long time ago and I was very young and naïve. I understand now that you were trying to protect yourself.'

"It was for you, Bella. It was awful, but it was for your protection."

He could practically feel her urge to move, to touch him in some way. But her mind was floating a little too far away. 'Maybe a little. But Edward, I know you were hurting. If I had been wiser, I would have understood, your actions were both selfless and selfish.'

He remembered the photograph hidden in Alice's room. His own face had been a grimace of pain and something close to impatience. He knew he was going to leave and he knew it wasn't going to feel any better. He just wanted his fall to be over with, so he could begin to rebuild himself. He hated to think of how pitiful it was that after so many years, he had made so little progress.

'Don't be afraid, Edward. It won't hurt as much this time.'

He pressed his face into the bed, just next to her still hand. He didn't believe her, but he didn't want to argue with her. She was already killing him, just with her words.

She didn't die that day or the next. But the fever would come before she could properly speak with her family. She did manage to open her eyes to them, with that same soft expression of love and longing. The way she looked at Edward. The way she had always looked at him.

He was there when she died. The room a panic of nurses and doctors trying to bring her fever down. She had a seizure at the end, leaving her body in a flurry of movement. And in that strange space of time, he game a small smile. Bella Swan Newton died the way she lived, tripping over herself to the next adventure.