I hope this chapter doesn't confuse you too much. Some of it is very metaphorical, just so you know heh.

xxx

Home was always where the heart was, and when I sat in my room, my red-headed best friend beside me on the bed, I felt reassurance. But still, no matter how deep you were inside your own sanctuary, you could never escape the thoughts and realizations of what was really going on inside your head. My head was rather jumbled, jumbled so much I couldn't speak a word after I'd told Axel exactly what Yuffie had told me.

Axel sat there, his hands in his lap, just listening to my breathing after I'd spoken. I suppose he either didn't know what to say or he was simply as angry as I was. "Why didn't you tell me?" Was all he could mutter.

"I didn't want you asking questions."

"Yet here you are telling me anyway."

"I think I realised, after what Yuffie had gone and done, that you are the only person I can trust." I didn't know where that had come from, but I felt like I wanted him to know. After the realisations of Namine being the most likely unfaithful girlfriend ever, and now my ex-social worker going behind my back, it hit me that he really was the only reliable person dear to me.

He looked at me, a little grin on his features. "Even though I lie, steal, cheat, burn houses down and all that lark?"

I closed my eyes, trying to ignore those facts. "I trust you with everything I have."

He stared at me silently for a while, not with a look of surprise, happiness or gratitude, but with a look of worry. The kind of worry where you knew someone was in for it, but you couldn't think of anything to do but just… look worried. Instead of prying over it, he tried to change the conversation. "So what are you going to do next week?"

"Leave town, until I know she's gone."

"Where are you gonna go?"

"Somewhere, I'll find a hotel."

"With what money?"

"With the money I earn, Axel."

"You can't afford a hotel. What about the rent?"

"I'll stay in a crappy B&B if that's what it takes."

"You can't be serious…"

"Axel, I don't want to be here!"

"You're running away."

"Because it's my mother!"

"She'll never find you!"

"I don't trust anyone, Axel! Someone will tell her where I am, someone will give away clues, she'll find me!"

"You're speaking as if she's a murderer on the hunt!"

"She left me for dead, that's practically murder!"

I didn't even realise that my eyes had welled up and I was crying like a moron. I suppose it took Axel a little time to realise as well, because he'd stopped shouting at me, and instead he was just looking at me with surprised eyes.

I hated it. I hated crying. Most people were relieved by it, felt like they should let it all out until they were satisfied, but to me it was just another reminder of a truth I tried to hide nearly my entire life; the reality that what my parents had done to me all those years ago left a scar bigger than anyone, even myself, would think.

My breathing was getting rough, and Axel couldn't think of anything to do but just stare at me like a dear in the headlights. Okay, so he wasn't used to seeing me cry like this, but he didn't have to gawk.

I felt so betrayed. Like everyone around me was out to get me, wanting to see me suffer because of something I'd done wrong. What had I done wrong? I hadn't done anything to anyone. I was the victim here! Namine was off screwing other guys in Paris, I knew it, she was bored of me. Yuffie had betrayed me, knew that I never wanted to hear or see anything relating to my parents… yet going ahead and probably inviting her round for tea and fucking biscuits. My friends were talking behind my back, Zexion saying something like I was involved in a love triangle, what was that? Some rumour must be going around, something bad. What had I done? Why is the world closing in on me? Why am I being thrown into an endless pit of despair?

Axel still watched as my hands shook, tears silently rolling quickly down my cheeks. "Roxas…"

"Axel, I'm a good guy aren't I?"

Axel paused, as a little confused for a second, but soon went with the flow. "Yeah, best guy I know."

I looked at him, getting the hint of sarcasm in that quick remark. "Stop it."

"Stop what?"

I tensed, my brows furrowing. "Stop lying. Tell me the truth."

Axel frowned. "Roxas, why would I lie about that? You know you're my most favourite person in the world."

Tears were flooding out of my eyes, my expression completely insulted as I looked at him. The sarcasm was still there. He didn't mean what he was saying. He just wanted to shut me up. He hated me. "You fucker."

Before I knew what I was doing, I lashed out and my arm flew out of nowhere. I didn't even recall commanding it to. My emotions had simply taken complete control of my body. It felt like my mind was a mess and it was causing my physical actions to connect with my emotions, maybe because my emotions weren't reaching out far enough, like no one could hear them. I barely knew what was going on.

My hand never made contact with his face though, because his reflexes caught my wrist in a tight grip, being held just inches from his cheek. Maybe my emotions weren't being as strong as I thought, and I was slightly relieved by that.

"Roxas, calm the fuck down." His tone was harsh, serious, and in the mist of it, quite scared.

I tried to wriggle my arm out of his grip, but he wouldn't let go.

"You promised me you'd never let it get this far, you're going nuts, and you're in a bad state of paranoia. Over what? The woman you promised me and yourself you never wanted anything to do with. Your actions are clearly proving you failed at that, huh?"

"Let me go," I said blankly.

"I don't want a black eye tomorrow Roxas."

"Let me go and you won't get one."

He had to think about it, but eventually he did let go.

I thought I'd calmed down a little, felt like I was relaxing again. Axel would never betray me, and if he did, why would he start now? I only trusted Axel. Right there and then. I couldn't believe my paranoia had got the best of me and nearly made me turn against my best friend. What was wrong with me? Had this whole situation really got to me this much?

I clutched at my golden hair in frustration, scrunching my face and took a deep breath, then exhaled. I felt so stupid. "I'm sorry."

Axel sighed, unsure of what was going on. "I won't tell anyone about this. I'm gonna sort this out for you myself. Okay?"

I stared at the floor then nodded my head a little, still holding my hair tight.

A sound of a scoff came from his direction, and I looked up at him. "You look like a crazy person, Roxas."

I moved my hands from my head, and straightened myself slowly. "I'm not crazy."

"That's what they all say."

I smiled a little and said, despite myself, "Well… maybe I am. I just tried to hit you."

He looked at me, and I looked at him. For a moment it felt weird, us looking at each other like that. Him trying to read me, and me just simply staring for the sake of it. My eyes traced over his hair line, his eyebrows, nose, cheeks, lips…

"You know you could hit me all you wanted, if it made you feel better."

My eyes travelled back up, to his green eyes.

"But we both know you couldn't land a punch if your life depended on it."

A journey back to his cheeks, imagining bruises of purple and blue. Then to his strong jaw line, seeing it completely out of place and broken. "I could do a lot of damage if my mind was put to it," I said.

His nostrils flared a little, and my eyes flew toward his little nose. Then his ears pricked, and my eyes gazed over the small piercing on his lobe. Just a silver stud. Then my bizarre mind imagined a bleeding nose and ripped flesh from his ear.

My own mouth opened a little, and Axel noticed how wide my eyes were as they scanned over the features of his face. Something was crossing his mind as he noticed the way I was staring at him, something that struck him as somewhat surprised. As soon as his eyes had widened a little, I noticed he was off guard, and before I let my chances go, I leapt, as quickly as I could, on top of him.

What drove me to do it was just instant reaction of seeing Axel's concentration not all there, for the briefest moment. Axel was never off guard, always prepared for almost anything. So I saw my chance and I took it.

I sprung, his body falling down backwards on the mattress with a gracious bounce, and I grinned, not ever taking my eyes off of his facial expression. Eyes went closed for a second, then open in sudden surprise, then thin and frowned when one of my own hands had pinned both his wrists above his head.

"See, once your guard is down I can do whatever the hell I want."

Axel sneered and his eyebrows furrowed, making his bright green eyes look wild and dangerous. His fists tightened together above his head, and his mouth was a little angered.

I raised my free hand slowly, creating a hard fist. As it rose, I looked at him. "Still don't think I could?"

He looked at my fist, dearly noting how tense it was. "Try it."

My teeth clenched in irritation and I straddled his hips hard so he couldn't make any sudden movements. I wanted to do something for him doubting me, wanted to prove him wrong or outsmart him. I'd always taught myself to prove others wrong when it was needed. I needed to show Axel I wasn't as weak and pathetic as he thought, especially after that little crying ordeal that happened a few moments ago. This was the only way I could do it.

His composed eyes never shook or became unbalanced. They'd always remain focused on my jittery ones. It didn't help. It made me loose my concentration. Every time I looked right into his sharp green eyes, I felt like I was being swallowed alive, or like I was caught in a bear trap. It was painful to look directly into Axel's eyes sometimes, especially when they were as sharp and unsafe as they were at that moment.

I looked deeper, and a little glint seemed to appear, a glint I seemed to remember from years ago when we were kids. When we made our make-shift tents in the middle of our bedroom at home, we were fifteen, not that young at all.

Whenever I paid enough attention, I would notice this little glint in his eye when the light hit them in just the right place. What it was I never understood, and I would never question it again.

I was uneasy now. My hand wavered in the air a little and my brows weren't as tight as they were a second ago. I still looked though. I wanted to keep my eyes on his face, to look for any sign that he might try something to stop me or even counterattack. But his face stayed the same, waiting for it.

That glint. It was a metaphor. Such an ironic metaphor at this moment. I understood it now. When myself and Axel were in our little haven under those covers, our minds were free and we needn't worry about anything. Whenever I did notice that glint in his eyes, my mind wasn't fogged enough with worries or doubts to be blinded by it. That glint… it told me I never needed to prove anything to him, not to Axel, not anything at all.

He hadn't seen it yet, hadn't seen that I'd lost total control. He couldn't feel that my muscles had turned to goo. He couldn't see any of it because I stayed completely still. Everything inside had died, yet my shell remained the same. A mask of pure determination plastered across my face.

Yet again I had underestimated him. I let my guard down by thinking too much, and his body had somehow thrust upwards, turned sideways with mine, and now my back was against the wall, his hips now straddling my hips. His face was so amused, like he was toying with his favourite puppet, yet his eyes were so… I didn't understand. Was it malice?

Although the movement was too quick, I still tried. My fist that had been in the air collided with his face, not in a state of will-power, but in a state of instant shock. Because of that, he only grinned when his head snapped to the side from the harsh contact. I was stunned at myself for a minute, not thinking I was actually going to hit him. I felt an overpowering sense of control when I heard the sound of my knuckles against his jaw, and it drove me on.

I attempted to lunge forward to give me some room for another hit, but he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me backwards hard against the wall. I let out a pathetic whimper when my back painfully hit the plaster covered brick, and suddenly that act of cowardice drove me onto my next move. A head-butt to his forehead.

The only effect it caused was a surprised yelp, and a pair of hands tightening on my scrawny shoulders. I snarled at how my attempts weren't doing much at all, only proving all the more how I could never hurt Axel.

I looked at his face, and he inched his glare forward. I could feel hot, angered, excited breath on my lips, until he and I both noticed something. Small, but still noticeable, a drop of crimson red formed on the side of his lip.

I panicked. "Shit…" I wasn't sure but maybe it was fear of what would happen next. Maybe it was it regret of what I had done. Maybe it was both.

I didn't even have time to mull it over in my head, because before I knew it, I had been thrown sideways and laid on my back with a harsh shove. Axel towered above me. When I got my chances to look up, I almost saw red in his eyes, like the fire he always tried to tame had now tamed him. His breathing was quick, just as quick as mine was.

Axel was a predator. He never liked losing and he'd never give up on whatever it was he was trying to do or prove. That glint in Axel's eyes had been shot to hell. We were both trying to prove something to each other now. We were trying so damn hard. What Axel was trying to prove I still didn't understand… but because of how low and weak I felt right now, I couldn't just let it slip. It wasn't me.

"Was it Namine that drove you to do this?" He suddenly asked, his face painfully close to mine.

Namine? What the hell did she have to do with this?

"To go this far?" His hands were slowly rubbing up my thigh, and I had to swallow. I should have felt disgusted, should've smacked his daring hands away, but I didn't feel anything at all. He watched my face as his hand ran up higher. Then he lowered his head towards my face. I didn't move, didn't protest when his tongue ran up my neck, I could only close my eyes and grit my teeth as my body gave out incredible shudders.

I don't know how or what or when or why, but something had sparked inside the both of us. The second I noticed those flames in his eyes burst into a roaring, unstoppable mass of chaos, I choose to fight fire with fire. Who knew if I were as talented as Axel was when it came to such an element, but hell I had to find out.

I leapt up, wrapping my legs around his waist and crushing our bodies together so we were now sitting up. I pressed my lips to his into a rough and relentless kiss, attacking him like an animal. I trapped him with my arms around his neck and I pressed our groins together hard. I didn't stop, I ate away, and before I knew it, Axel's tongue was gliding across mine in a power hungry dance. I pressed myself harder against him, creating a groaning noise from the red-headed monster, then my fingers found their way through his hair, clutching, tugging, pulling. His hands were already up my T-shirt, and I felt cold fingers run themselves up and down my chest.

There was no other way of doing what we wanted to do. We couldn't hit each other anymore in fear of doing too much damage, we couldn't insult each other properly because there was never anything to insult. We couldn't compare things, because we were equal. We couldn't hurt each other in any way shape or form… it simply wasn't in the cards for us.

We wanted so badly to prove something to each other, prove that we held some sort of control over our lives. So this, what we were doing, it was the only option left.

In an instant my body was craving, and before I even understood, Axel was ripping my clothes off and throwing them to the floor. He'd lift up my t-shirt, and my hands would steadily unbutton his pants.

My mind seemed clear, clear as day when he'd sink his teeth into my skin, and I'd rip my nails against the flesh of his back. When he'd let out a rough breath then thrust himself inside of me, flames would somehow transform into a flowing waterfall. I'd throw my head back with a throaty gasp, and the blood from his lip would smear against the stretched flesh on my throat.

Everything was clear, messy, jumbled, understandable… and it all made perfect sense. In our world those flames would rise from the depths of the ocean bed. Nothing would crush us, destroy us, extinguish us… nothing would ever get in our way. In that moment I understood why Axel admired his obsession so much.

I rode him and I wanted more and more. I was so hungry. I found my self moaning his name every time he'd thrust into me in and out, in and out. When I'd suddenly move a lot slower, just to tease him, I panted so hard, my forehead leaning onto his shoulder. I'd wanted something like this for so long, so damn long. A kiss, some contact, a good hard fuck.

Axel groaned, pulling my head up and forcing my eyes into his. As I rolled my hips slowly, we stared, panting and groaning. He had to hold my head up to keep it from flopping down again, and even then my eyes would sometimes roll back as he'd thrust himself right into my soft spot. His eyes would always stay on mine though, carefully watching what he was creating, what he had created, from the second he had met me. God knows I wouldn't be doing this if I had met someone like Sora first and deemed him my best friend.

Something else struck me while he started to run his pearly whites down my exposed neck. I stared at the ceiling, my eyes half-lidded and my mouth gaped with escaping low moans. I realised what I was actually doing, as I stared so aimlessly at the dull coloured paint… yet, I could not and would not stop myself. My hands were grasped too tight on Axel's shoulders for me to stop and let go. My whole body refused me, including my own damn mind. And because of that, the weird realisation quickly faded into overflowing waves of pleasure.

The pleasure was becoming all too much. I gritted my teeth, leaned my forehead hard against Axel's, and before I knew it I started climaxing. He must have been doing the same… his grip on my thighs became so painful it just added to the pleasure.

When we were spent, Axel flopped backwards and I landed on top of him, just trying to catch my breath as I lay on his panting chest.

I suppose once all that emotion and pleasure had slowly vanished, we didn't really know what we should have done or said next. So we didn't even try. Axel just fell asleep… and in a final act of desperation and defeat, I shook as my fingers gripped on his naked chest. Then my eyes slipped shut, and I too fell asleep on top of him.

Then of course in the morning Axel would get up earlier than normal and leave me in there. Somehow he'd managed to move me off of him without waking me, but he made his mistake of leaving the cover over my back. He should have known I was a light sleeper. He'd leave the flat earlier too, just to avoid any conversation with me. I would just lie on the bed facing the wall as I heard the flat door close.

In a perfect world I would probably have woken up to the smiling face of Axel's affection. He'd have breakfast in bed waiting for me on the side table, and he'd tell me we were both going to take a day off to talk about things. Maybe we'd have a little more sex.

But as I said before… this is not a fantasy, a fairy tale or a game. I told you I was going to tell the truth. I really hope you weren't hoping for a mushy love story. This memory is not made up of that. Because you see, 'love' simply wasn't in it for me… or for Axel.