A/N:

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

This chapter will throw you, but just be patient with me, and remember the summary! :) Enjoy!

Chapter Song: No Air - Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown

March 21, 1999

In a small courthouse office, Judge Harry Clearwater turns to me and asks.

"And do you Isabella Swan, take Jacob Black to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, as long as you both shall live?"

Do I? Am I sure? He loves me, maybe it will be enough for both of us.

"I do."

2008

"Daddy, why do you have to leave again?" Madysen asks Jacob as he's packing his sea bag for deployment. Her and I are sitting on the bed watching as he grabs more clothes from his dresser to put into the bag.

"Baby girl, it's my job, but Daddy always comes back, you know that right?" Jacob says.

"Yes, daddy, I just don't want you to gooooo!" and she breaks down in a fit of tears. I pull her close to my chest and rub the back of her head. Deployments are hard, but as a mother, they are even harder, trying to be strong for my children. Jacob has been in the Navy for just over tens years now, and our entire marriage, and this will be his fourth deployment. It's early March and he just returned in January from being gone all of 2007 on a yearlong tour. So, we've only just begun to get used to having him back around, and he's leaving again. He won't even be here for our anniversary. Fantastic.

I remind myself that I signed up for this. I knew what I was getting into when I married him. He was already in the Navy. I didn't have to marry him; I didn't have to settle for this life. But I have, it's not always been peaches and cream, but Jacob loves me, and we have built a life together with our three children who adore him. It's the quintessential life right? From the outside looking in, some would say. I've always put on a good front, and don't get me wrong, I do love my husband, but looking back now, I know I settled. Settled for the one that didn't or wouldn't reject me. Settled for the one that made me feel loved and wanted, even if I could only return those feelings at a fraction of the amount he gave them.

I put on a good show.

June 1997

"Bella, there could never be anyone for me other than you. I honestly don't know how to live without you." Edward said as he placed a small gift in my hand.

Wrapped in a little white box was a silver chain with an open-heart pendant dangling from it. Tears filled my eyes, because I knew what he was trying to say even though he hadn't yet said it with words.

"Edward, it's beautiful! I love it! Thank you!" I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his mouth, pulling the back of his head closer with my hand.

"Can I put it on you?" he asked.

"Please do." as I handed it to him. I lifted up my hair and he slid his hands around the back of my neck fastening the clasp in place. He slid his hands down to the front of the chain and held the delicate heart on the tips of his fingers. He looked at it closely, and then brought his eyes to meet mine.

The look and emotion in his eyes was so intense, it took my breath away. I felt the tears pooling in my eyes as he leaned forward and pressed his mouth to mine.

"I love you Bella." He said against my mouth.

I gasped and pulled back to look him in the eyes again. Searching for any trace of doubt. None. He meant it. My heart jumped into my throat as I crashed my lips to his again. No words necessary. He already knew I loved him.

The five of us made our way down the pier towards the ship that would take my husband and their father away for yet another six months of our lives. As we boarded the ship, and walked him down to the Chief's Mess, sailors and their families preparing for this somber day greeted us. After Jacob dropped his bag off in his berthing we made our way to the forward bow of the ship. We sat on the tomahawk launching deck and the kids wrapped themselves around Jacob as best they could while they sobbed and cried. Hating every minute of it, I just sat down next to them. I hate seeing them hurt like this. It was like a piece of my heart broke off every time they beg him not to leave.

Stupid Navy.

After about an hour, we were now standing at the end of the pier as the ship makes it's last turn around the bend in San Diego harbor, and out of site edging out towards Point Loma, and into the deep blue Pacific for the next six to seven months.

I sigh, look down at my children who are bawling and resolve to "just get thru it". We did just finish a year; we can do this too right? What's six months?

Hard. That's what it is. This sucks. I hate it. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm frustrated.

Stupid Navy.

The next few days passed by in a blur until we got back into our routine. The girls, Lynette and Madysen, were in school and it was just Robert, my son, spending the days together until they got home, and me. I also had a bit of unpacking to do since we just moved back to San Diego last month. We spent the year that he was deployed at home in Forks, surrounded by friends and family so we didn't have to be entirely alone while he was gone.

I had decided that this deployment it's time for me to get myself back in shape. After three kids, I'm done feeling unattractive and unhappy in my own skin. Before Jacob left, we joined the local gym and were given information about the personal trainers that they offer. I was sold.

So today, Robbie and I are headed to the gym to meet Chris, the trainer who has called and set up a consult with me. I'm nervous, but ready. Let's get this show on the road!

I walk thru the front doors and scan in. I take Robbie down to the kid care and head over to the trainer offices. An all too cheery blonde asks if she can help me, and I tell her I am here to see Chris. She goes to get him, as I take a seat to wait. I hear laughing and stand up, the door opens, and….shit….if he had a twin…

"How's it going? I'm Chris Davis." He says, extending his hand out to shake mine. I offer my hand back, and he has the same blue eyes. He's built a little different, bulkier and the hair is a little shorter, but the smile…the voice…the eyes….

Shit.

We take a seat in his office and go over all the standard releases and contracts and paperwork of having a trainer. Then he takes my measurements and weight and we begin discussing in great detail what exactly I am hoping to gain from training.

And then for the next hour he literally kicks my ass up and down and around the gym and I thought I was going to die! Seriously, a few times, I really thought I was going to vomit! But after I got Robbie, and drove home, I started to become excited at the idea of getting my body back. And of course, having a hot trainer whose smile and blue eyes bring back happier days helps too!

Later that evening after the kids are in bed and it's my "me time", I hop on the computer, check my emails. Still no word from Jacob, but I'm sure he'll call or write soon. I log in to Facebook. It's been years since I've thought about him this much, but what are the odds he has an account? He never did have a MySpace, and yes I looked. It was about 6 years ago, while watching an episode of American Idol, and one of the contestants made me think of him,but I looked. I wonder again, and after checking through my notifications, I decide to just search his name and see. Can't hurt right?

And then there he is. Not looking directly out of the photo, his head is turned to the side, but he's smiling with a beautiful little girl, who has his eyes, sitting on his lap.

WRONG! It hurts.

I immediately shut the browser and stare at my desk. Stupid. Why did I DO that?

I shut down the computer, turn off the lights and head to my room to try and sleep. I flip on the TV in my room, brush my teeth and change into my pajamas. I crawl under the covers and slide into the middle of the bed. Perks of deployment, I get the entire king sized bed to myself. Watching the evening news, I drift off, thoughts of Edward, Jacob and my life filling my mind. I feel stupid. I should have never looked. It wouldn't hurt this much if I hadn't seen his face…his child…way to open up old wounds Bella.

Next thing I know the tears are soaking my pillow and I'm sobbing. That was supposed to be OUR life…OUR child.

I fell into a restless, fitful sleep.

Waking up to the alarm clock buzzing, and feeling like I didn't sleep at all, I drag out of bed and get the girls ready for school. Every muscle in my body is screaming at me from the day's previous workout. I honestly think he tried to kill me.

Once the girls are gone and Robbie has been fed and is entertained with morning cartoons, I draw a hot bath, and sink in, trying to soothe my aching body.

"Toss me the rope and I'll tie it up." Edward shouted from the pier as I steered the boat towards the dock for the second time. Trying desperately not to knock the side of it into the pier. Charlie would have a fit if I scratched his baby.

Jacob swung the rope to Edward and he wrapped it around the tie down. Then he ran around to the other pier, Jacob tossed him another rope and he tied that down too. Suspending the boat in the water between the two docks out front of my grandparents' lake house. I cut the engine and dove off the side of the boat into the lake away from the boat. Jacob and his "flavor of the month" Carly, hung back in the boat doing whatever, I didn't care to stick around and find out.

As I surfaced, I suddenly felt a hand around my ankle and was tugged back under water. Kicking free, I pushed to the surface to see a smug and laughing Edward wiping water from his face. I splashed him and then launched up onto his head to force him under. Punk!

He pulled me down with him and we surfaced together wrapped in each other's arms. Having to tread water to keep our heads up, I kissed him quickly and swam over to the pier. I grabbed hold of one of the cross boards that was about three feet under the surface of the water and pulled up to sit on it. Edward swam up settled between my legs and I wrapped them around him. I pulled his face to mine and kissed him fiercely. His hands were wrapped under my ass, and he pulled me off the board and up against him. Completely submerged in the water up to our shoulders, I reached down and pushed the waistband of his bathing suit down and freed his now very ready erection and began pumping.

"Bella…stop…not here….Jacob…." he whispered while panting.

"Shhh…they aren't paying any attention to us, and they can't see us anyway. I need you Edward. Do you have any idea how hot it was seeing you out on that wakeboard today? We can be quiet." I whispered as I continued to pump him and rub my thumb over the tip of him. "Please?"

"God Bella!" he hissed.

With one hand he held onto the board. I wrapped my legs around him and with his other hand, he pulled the crotch of my bathing suit bottoms to the side and pushed into me slowly, never taking his eyes off mine.

"Shit!" I moaned in a whisper into his neck as I dropped my forehead to his shoulder.

He began to move quickly. "Fuck Bella, this has to be quick, I'm not going to last long. You're fucking beautiful." He said in a hushed groan and began to move even faster.

"Oh Edward! I love you." I moaned as I unraveled around him.

"Fuck! I love you Bella!" he said into my mouth as he spilled into me hard and fast. "I love you, too."

"Mommy!"

Shit.

"Coming baby boy!" The water was starting to cool, as I must have fallen asleep. Jesus, this is the LAST thing that I need right now. It's been ten years since he walked out of my life, why are these memories haunting me now?

Today was our weekly "lunch with the McCarty's" after school. The girls have a half day every Wednesday and my neighbor, Rosalie McCarty and I take our kids to lunch. Usually to McDonalds or Chuck-E-Cheese, so the kids can play and Rosalie and I can chitchat. Her husband is also in the Navy and while he's on shore duty now, he's still gone often, having to travel to many places around the Pacific Rim doing his job. Rosalie and I met just about a week after we moved in. She was pregnant with her daughter Zoe and moody as all hell, but I was persistent. Her son Ben and my Robbie are just a year apart and have become the best of buddies, so it helped her relax with me.

I'm not usually persistent at making friends, but something told me that her and I would be great friends, and so far, I'm right. We have a lot in common and we laugh together a LOT!

I climbed out of the tub, and began to dry off. I slipped into my robe and went to the living room to fetch the boy.

"Mommy, I wanna watch McQueen please!" This boy has a slight obsession with all things Cars and would watch this movie on a reel all day if I let him. Boys and their toys I guess.

I popped the DVD into the player for him and got him a sippy cup of milk and a snack. I set about my daily routine of housework and unpacking a few more boxes. Today was the laundry room. I needed some kind of order in there before the kids started making it "Mount Washmore".

Once I was satisfied with the organized chaos of the laundry room, I quickly mopped the kitchen and made all the beds. About another thirty minutes and it would be time to get the girls.

I got Robbie dressed and we headed next door to get Rosie and the kids. Today we were walking to the school, which is only a mile from the house, to get our kids and then to McDonalds.

Robbie ran ahead and rang the doorbell. Rosie came to the door looking a little frazzled, Zoe screaming in the background and Ben crying at her feet.

"Save me!" she whined as she opened the door.

I fought back a giggle as I walked in past her to get Zoe out of the swing. "Hey there sweet baby girl! Why are you giving your mommy a hard time today?" I cooed as I reached down to scoop her up.

"Sweet Zosafina! Sweet Zosafiiiiina don't you cry!" I crooned at her as she began to calm down. Yes, I made up that goofy little nickname, but you can only say "Zoe-Zo" so many times before you end up coming up with another name.

By this time Ben had calmed down, excited to see Robbie and they were dumping over a basket of Lego's while Rosie tried to tie his shoes. Once she gained her bearings, we loaded them up in strollers and headed towards the school.

"So, how's your day going Bella? Since it's obvious how mine has been!"

"Same ol, same ol. I got my laundry room unpacked finally, and tomorrow I should be able to finish the dining room and kitchen. It's coming along."

"Yep, worst part about moving all the time…the unpacking!" she said.

"Yea, I could move all the time if the Navy would pay to unpack also! This part sucks royally!"

We made it to the school just in time to hear the bell ring, and watch for our girls. Her oldest, Samantha, or Sam as we call her is in the fifth grade, while Lynette is in the third and Madysen is in first. They all get along really well, so it makes for good times when Rose and I want to hang out without being disturbed.

After the girls find us and tell us about their day, we head over to McDonalds, get their food ordered and head outside to sit out by the play yard. The best thing about San Diego, the weather, hands down. It's never too terribly hot or cold. Today the weather was absolutely gorgeous as we watched the kids eat and play.

It really was nice to finally have a really close friend again. Angie and Ben got married back in '98 and they were living in Houston, as he got a job at NASA. Alice lived all the way across the country in Jacksonville. Her husband is in the Navy too, and coincidentally, we also met in San Diego, years ago. But while I talk to her almost daily, I haven't seen her in a few years. So, needless to say, it's been lonely.

"Rosalie, I need to talk to you about something, but I need you to not judge me for what I am about to say. You're the only person I have to talk to here."

"Spill. You know I would never judge you for anything you tell me." She has this way of automatically making you feel comfortable, and you know you can tell her anything.

"Well, it's sort of a long, LONG story. I don't even know where to begin." I say rather shyly.

"Ok, so then start at the beginning." She smiles.

"Umm…how much time do we have?" I laugh.

"All day girl! Spill! You've got my interest peaked now! Out with it!"

So as the children played on the play set I told her everything, from the very beginning with Edward. I told her all the details of the mad passion and the heartbreak with him. I told her how I ended up with Jacob, and what was happening now. The unresolved feelings that came bubbling up recently, the dreams and flashbacks. Finding him on Facebook. All of it. I left nothing out, and when I was done, I didn't even realize that I was crying. Stupid female hormones!

"Ok girl. We're not done talking about this, but we need to get these kids home. I'm coming over tonight and we'll talk more. It sounds like you've repressed some serious issues and feelings, and never talked about them. So…here I am ready to get you through this!"

Later that evening after the kids were all in bed, Rosie came over, baby monitor in one hand, so she could hear if Ben or Zoe woke up, and a case of beer in the other hand. We sat out on the back patio drinking our beers and talking about our pasts. I lit a fire in the fire pit to keep us warm. San Diego nights are chilly and we live about a mile from the coast, so it's breezy too. Seriously, perfect weather.

She had been previously married to a man named Royce. She, like me, married him because she thought she should. She knew that she wasn't in love with him the way he was with her, that he was her best friend, but the "spark" wasn't there. The only difference between her story and mine was that they already had a baby together. Sam is biologically his, even if Emmett, her current husband has raised her since she was three and he was who she calls daddy.

I didn't feel any reason like that, that I had to marry Jacob. At the time, I married him because I thought that I was head over heals for him. I thought that he was the one. I knew that he loved me, and was willing to do anything for me. Every woman's dream right? That feeling didn't last very long. I knew what "head over heals" and to give your whole heart to someone felt like, and I didn't have it with Jacob, still don't. I know that I can live without him.

Now, it sounds like I am not being very fair to him, and that may be true, but when you know what true love feels like and when you know you settled for less than that, you tend to wallow and especially tend to wonder "what if".

Jacob is not perfect. He's not the perfect father or the perfect husband. He tries, but he is after all a man, and he has his many faults. He's a tad controlling and he can be emotionally abusive, making me feel guilty for doing or feeling things. But he tries, and I think that's why I am still here. Also considering we have three children and I, not having had a job since we got married and moved half way across the country from home to his first duty station. I didn't finish college, so at best I could be a glorified receptionist. It's not easy to just pack up three kids and leave your husband because you're not in love with him. Believe me, I wish it were.

"So, what are you going to do about it?" Rose asked, breaking me out of my deep thoughts.

"About what?" I asked taking a sip of my beer and staring into the flames in the fire pit.

"Edward? Jacob? You? Are you going to contact Edward? Maybe he's looked for you too ya know?"

"Oh Rosie! When he broke up with me, he took a piece of my heart with him. I would be entirely too terrified of letting him get close enough to take the rest."

"You may not like the sound of this, but you need closure. It sounds to me like you never got that, and maybe that's why you're feeling the way that you are now. Let's think about what we know, or may know. We know, or at least assume, he has a child, but do you know if he's married?" I could feel her eyes on me as she said this.

"No." Still staring at the flames but feeling the tears building.

"Girlfriend?"

"Don't know."

"Bella, let's get on Facebook and see what we can find out."

"NO!" tears fell down my face. "I'm sorry. I just…I…it ripped another hole in my heart just seeing that little girl in his lap." I sighed.

"So, you never expected him to go on with his life, even though you went on with yours? Is that what you're saying? You wanted him to miss you as much as you missed him and not go on?"

"Oh GOD! This sucks completely Rose! I haven't cried over this man for at least ten years! Why now? Why is this all coming up now?"

"Come on!" She stood and grabbed my hand, leading me inside the house to my office.

She sat down at my desk, and I sat on the couch, resting my arms over the back and resting my chin on top of my arms. It backed up to my desk, so I could see the screen as she pulled up the browser and directed it to Facebook. Her fingers flew over the keys, and once again, there he was. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Ok, so he must not know much about Facebook, because his profile isn't private. So, let's see what we can find out." She said, seemingly to me, but to herself as well.

I laid my head down on my arms, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. Did I want to do this? Did I want to hear that he was living some happy life with someone else? I could hear Rosalie clicking the mouse every now and then, but she said nothing and I still didn't look back up.

"Well, I have good news? I think?" she paused, and I looked up at her, "So, he's not married, but yes, it appears that that is in fact his little girl. Looks like her name is Kaylie and she's around six years old. But…" I swallowed the lump in my throat and just kept looking at the side of her face as she looked at the computer screen. I couldn't bear to see the photos of him, not yet anyway. "…he has a girlfriend. Looks like they've been together, well as best as I can guess, almost 2 years. So, I don't think she's his baby momma." She snickered.

"And I am married Rose, so all of that's insignificant." I laid my head back down on my arms.

"His little girl is a really cutie! He's not too bad himself. Hot!" She turned to look at me.

I lifted my head and looked at her. My guess is the look on my face was enough for her smile to drop and to quickly turn her face back to the computer screen and mumble an apology.

"Should I friend request him for you?

"No! Are you kidding?"

"Bella, seriously, why not? After all, it has been ten years, and you both have your own lives now. You're adults. Let him see what he gave up and be jealous a little too."

I groaned and laid my head back down on my arms. Was I ready to make that connection…any connection, with him again? Am I not better off without him in my life? Would he even care to hear from me?

"Fine Rose." I said, not lifting my head, "but then we're getting shit faced drunk! Deal?"

Just be patient with me...it's all necessary evil. :) The next chapter will be ready to go to review on Monday, unless I get time to finish it this weekend. But so far, it's complete to this point. I love hearing what you think.