Sorry for the impeccable delay to this chapter, and that it's rather small. I have a lot of my plate right now involving college, new job, fact I've got to find somewhere to live pretty soon… so yeah. But the good news is I haven't lost interest in this, just literally haven't had time.
Love to those still reading
xxx
Sometimes going to social gatherings to try and clear your head really wasn't the most intelligent thing to do. Axel had learnt this after sitting in the circle of his closest friends, the night sky that darkened the beach sand making the atmosphere slightly more intense, listening as every word he heard constantly reminded him of the very thing that he was trying to clear in the first place. "blonde-bimbo" "short-cake" "delicious" "complete-douchebag" "hot" and "foolish" were the ones that really stuck out. He wouldn't have minded too much, if Demyx weren't nibbling on his ear and running his hand under his t-shirt every so often. It made him feel completely weird. When the only thing he could think about was running as fast as it was, he could only imagine it being a certain person with golden blonde hair doing those devilish things to him. It made Axel feel totally uneasy that his mind was playing such cruel jokes on him ever since… that night.
So he found himself sat alone on the shoreline, smoking a cigarette and watching the dark waves of the ocean crash into each other and try and slither their way towards his feet, but never quite making it.
He really had no idea what to do with himself. He was half convinced that everything that had happened was just a fluke, that it was just a weird point in his life where random things just happen, then they're totally forgotten a few weeks later. Yeah, he was half convinced. But that didn't change the fact that he could not stop thinking about it. It almost pained him. He felt as if he'd messed up big time and that there wasn't a thing he could do to make it better.
I wasn't happy. And it really fucking hurt him, pained him to realise that he'd made me feel like shit. He knew what he'd done, and he knew he wished he could turn back time. It wasn't just painful for me, he thought, it was fucking agony for himself aswell.
As Axel stared across into the night sky, hearing his friends joking and laughing behind him in the distance, he remembered back to when he was young, he must have been about fourteen, and that he really honestly thought he was in love with me.
He quietly laughed to himself at the memory. He was fourteen. What fourteen year old knew or understood what love was? He'd watched his parents love each other and seen and heard it on the television more than a few times. He watched with his young green eyes as the two people felt utter contentment with each other. They'd smile all the time, never be upset, always seeming to have fun and just generally being the happiest people in the world. That's exactly what he'd felt with me back then, he would always have fun with me and I'd always make him utterly happy.
But then he saw the intimate side of it. Kissing, touching and eventually sex. He pondered on what it'd be like with me, really took an interest in how it'd feel. He imagined straight away that it'd be totally gross, but then he really got thinking about it. Granted he'd seen gay guys before, but it never affected him because he wasn't brought up that way. His mother was strict on keeping his son anti-prejudice, but Axel hadn't even known what that meant. So really, Axel wasn't too against the idea at all. Which then led his original theory of being inlove with me to be even stronger than before.
But after a year of silence, not a word spoken to me about the constant confusion rattling in his mind, I'd told him about Namine, and he started to think that he didn't know anymore. Yeah, he felt crushed and felt like a complete idiot for thinking that maybe I felt the same about him. He never asked me, because he was too scared. So after seeing me around Namine, watching me play out all the love stories he'd seen before on TV, he declared that it was a stupid thing to think in the first place. So then he tried to get over it, tried to drown out his weird feelings for me, and when he found Demyx, he finally did.
"Hey, Axel?"
Axel was brought out of his thoughts by the soft voice and the hand on his shoulder, then he noticed Riku's presence behind him, staring down at him with a concerned look strewn across his face.
Axel faced forward again. "What's with the look?"
Riku pulled his hand off of his shoulder, standing and staring out before him at the ocean. "It's weird saying this, but I'm worried about you."
Axel just laughed, taking a drag of the cigarette in his fingers.
Riku took that as an okay sign, and decided to sit next to him on the sand. "Demyx is worried too, he asked me to talk to you since you won't say a word to him."
Axel sighed gently, eyes falling down. "Really? And what makes you think I'll say anything more to you?"
Riku moved his solemn eyes towards Axel's feet. "I don't know, I thought I should give it a try."
"Go away, Riku."
Riku looked at Axel's face, his long silver hair blowing at the slight breeze. Not one to simply be put off by Axel's attitude, he carried on, "The least I know is that it's about Roxas."
"Seriously Riku, go away," Axel growled, even though he was sure Riku was not gonna go anywhere.
Riku let out a breath, folding his arms over his hunched up legs, thinking to himself. Axel just stayed silent, finishing his cigarette and flicking it into the wet sand infront of him. Riku watched as the butt lost its orangey glow once the water had drowned it out.
"Remember that time when we were kids, you told me…" Riku started quietly, "you told me that you loved someone."
Axel rolled his eyes, not believing the utter evil coincidence that was going on. Riku now pumping up the memory he'd had a few moments ago, that he was now trying to rid of. His head was pounding.
"I laughed it off, because I was kid aswell, you know. But after a couple years I realised that you were serious. I knew it wasn't Demyx…"
Axel's head really was beginning to hurt, too many thoughts swirling around his head and too many memories making an abrupt appearance in his mind. Axel looked to Riku's side seriously, his brows furrowed together. He was getting angry. He didn't want to talk about it, and just knowing Riku wouldn't drop the subject easily made him want to punch him hard enough to block out his speech, but instead he vented his anger in just one simple sentence, "Whatever you're thinking right now, you're wrong," he said a tone so harsh Axel noticed that Riku had to clench his fists together.
Riku looked at Axel, a look so cold it could silence an entire army. Axel just glared back in defence of his own pride. Riku wasn't angry, he was just sick and tired of hearing the same thing every day, watching everything between Axel and I play out like some sort of lazy unrehearsed play, everything going wrong because no one bothered to simply learn something. "I don't think I am, and you fucking know it."
With that, Riku got up off the ground and headed straight back to the others, leaving his clearly pissed off aroma behind him to linger in Axel's mind. Axel clenched his teeth together in a frustrated snarl, wishing there was something or someone to punch right now. But before his rashness could get the better of him, a flash of silver light caught the corner of his eye. His trusty lighter, shimmering in the moonlight.
xxx
By the time Cloud had returned from the back room and made his way toward us with a look of thunder, Cid had already finished his drink and was awaiting another. I didn't ask for anything, in fear of getting my head bitten off. So I just sat there quietly while Cid started grumbling, cocking his eyes at his empty beer glass.
Cloud slowly walked up us and took the empty glass out of Cid's hand, reluctantly going to fill it back up at the other end of the bar.
"'Bout time too," Cid mumbled, leaning his arms on the counter, then shifting his gaze toward me. "You not drinkin' anything?"
I shrugged. "Cloud's already forced three vodka shots down me, and I don't think Sora would be happy if I went back stinking drunk."
Cid nodded. "Sora?"
"A friend."
A snuff. "Obviously. He come out here with ya?"
My eyes lingered towards Cloud who was pouring beer into the glass from the pump, and I suddenly lost interest in the conversation. "Does Cloud own this bar?"
"Yeah, ever since Zack passed away. He's been keeping this place up to shape in respects to him," Cid warmly smiled, "he's a good kid, that Cloud."
"So how does he know Mr. Leonha- Uh, Squall."
"From what I remember him telling me a while ago, when he lived in Radiant Garden they were in school together, then I guess it kicked off from there."
I lifted my head, suddenly intrigued. "He used to live in Radiant Garden? Is that why he got so freaked when I mentioned it?"
Cid didn't answer, just looked to the side. I turned my head and low and behold, Cloud was stood there, a feel of familiarity washing over me. He stood there with a scowl, holding the beer glass tight in his hand.
"You should really stop talking about me when I'm only a few feet away."
I winced. How did that happen again? Now I felt really stupid. Cid just laughed this time, obviously finding the de-ja-vu hilarious. Cloud didn't find it the least bit amusing as he moved the edge of the glass sideways over the sink, daring to pour it all right down the drain. Cid stopped laughing quickly, coughing to steady himself as he eyed the beer in fear of it all going to waste.
Cloud gave a satisfied smirk and handed it to Cid, who took it without a second thought. "Phew. Anyway, I'll leave you to it, Roxas," he said as he got up from his stool, holding the beer in his hand, "was nice meetin' ya an' all."
"Yeah," I mumbled distantly, watching him walk back to the group of men at the back of the room. When he sat down he put the glass down on the table and rubbed his hand together at the sight of cards being laid down on the surface. It looked like he wanted in on the game. I never took him for a gambler…
As the silence hit me, I decided to take a quick look at my phone to see if I had gotten any important messages. It was still the first day, and I was already turning my phone back on. How typical…
No messages. I didn't know if I felt relieved or disappointed.
The clanking of glasses being shuffled behind me brought me back and I faced forward, noticing Cloud neatly tidying the shelf filled with a variety of different glasses fitted for all kinds of alcoholic beverages.
I placed my phone on the side and I shuffled my feet on the foot bar of my stool, wondering if it were a good time to leave. I suppose no one wanted me for anything else in the bar, so I guessed now was a better time than any. But something stopped me. I felt a gaze burning toward me, and I looked up toward Cloud's sudden stare. What the hell? Was it like he could read my damn thoughts or something?!
I said the first thing that came to my head. "I'm sorry for… the insult earlier, and the, er, talking about you with Cid and stuff. I guess I've been nothing but a jerk ever since I got here."
Cloud didn't flinch, only shrugged. "Don't worry about it."
As silence fell among the two of us again, I suddenly felt compelled to ask. "Has Squall always had that scar on his face?"
Cloud did flinch this time, only a tiny bit, but a demeaning flinch none the less. "No."
I gave out a soft chuckle to try and ease the tension looming around him, but as normal Cloud didn't really react, just stood there with a totally blank face. It was annoying meeting people like that, because you could never know how they were feeling. Cloud could've been laughing hysterically in his head yet still have only a look of murder written on his face. Only problem was his all-too-revealing eyes, and he did not appear amused. "Sorry, I've just always been curious about-"
"I gave him that scar."
It took me a little time to take in what he'd said, but when I did, my eyes widened. I didn't really know what to think of what he'd said for a second, I would never have thought that any person had made that scar on my biology teacher's face, it looked way too painfully deep. I assumed he'd had some sort of freak accident. But when I noticed Cloud was being completely serious, as usual, I was speechless. His eyes simply shifted toward the ground.
"W-why? Why would you do a thing like that?" I hushed, a little too loudly.
Cloud's brows knitted together and his muscles tensed. "Look, kid. You can't just burst into my bar and throw all these uninvited memories at me. Why the fuck are you even here?"
My mouth gaped at his outburst, but I didn't want to lose my voice at this point. "I'm here because I'm trying to hide from a lot of things. I didn't plan to wind up here."
Cloud glared at me, holding onto the edge of the bar in a tight grip. "Fine. Just don't ever mention him again to me. Or you will fucking regret it."
I took that threat on the chin, and just equalled his glare. "Fine."
Then suddenly an abrupt cheery ringtone rang through the air, my phone vibrating fiercely on the side of the bar. I winced, a little embarrassed at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme tune ringing loudly throughout the bar, causing a few people to turn their heads, and Cloud to rise one eyebrow at me.
I huffed and picked it up, noticing the word AXEL flashing on the screen.
Shit.
Cloud watched my worried face, crossing his arms over his chest when I just stared at the noisy vibrating phone in my hand. "You going to answer that or what?"
I took a brief look at Cloud before pressing the 'ignore' button, then sitting stiff in my seat.
"Looks like you've just seen a ghost," Cloud carefully said, eyeing me suspiciously.
I ignored Cloud's remark. I was still pondering to myself. I couldn't decide whether to turn my phone off right now or not, and it was pissing me off that I couldn't just decide and do it. "Shit," I whispered to myself. "Shit, shit, double shit shite."
It started ringing in my hand again, and I flinched hard. The theme tune rang through the bar, and lots of people started to grumble behind me, obviously getting double annoyed this time. Before I could debate with the sensible side of my head, I stupidly pressed 'answer' and held the phone to my ear, looking terrified.
I didn't even bother to say anything, just heard the other end silently, before a small voice followed through the other end.
"Roxas?"
Axel's voice was so calm. So unbelievably calm. It was like music to my ears, made me sink in my position, waiting for him to talk again.
"You there? Shit, Roxas, stop scaring me," he growled slightly this time. It made me grip the phone tighter with my already clammy hand.
"Answer me you little shit!" That was the Axel I knew, and it seemed to calm me down a bit. As I listened closely, I could hear the sound of waves in the background, and unless there was a huge difference in time from here to there (unlikely), it was the late hours of the evening.
I frowned. "Are you at the beach?"
I huge sigh of relief ran through my hearing followed by a series of 'thank god your okay', 'I thought you'd died or something', 'thank fucking god'.
"Are you at the beach?" I repeated.
"Yeah, I am. With everyone else, but they're behind me doing stuff."
"Why are you on your own?" It was the only thing concerning me, and I didn't know why.
"Shit, Roxas, shut up. Where the hell are you?"
I knew it was coming, maybe that's why I'd cleverly managed to start the conversation before he did. But still, I knew this would come eventually. "I've got to go."
"What? Roxas, for fuck's sake what's up with you?"
I grit my teeth. "You of all people should know."
Then he went silent, his voice dying away in that all too familiar way of him not knowing what to say next.
"Bye, Axel," I said in a disappointed sigh.
I hung up and immediately turned my phone off. He really did know when to screw up the most opportune moments to make things right. There I was, my emotions in an unmanageable pile of delicate mess for that whole two minutes, just because I'd finally received some form of contact with him after a whopping 20 hours. Then there he was, being the same cowardly jerk I was trying to get away from. If he'd have just gotten some guts in that phone call and said the exact thing I wanted to hear (hell knows what that is), I would probably have got up and ran all the way home for him and completely forgotten that my mother was coming to town. But Axel was Axel, and that was that.
"Axel?"
My head snapped up at Cloud's voice, and soon eased myself at Cloud's curious expression. I grumbled, sinking my shoulders. "Let's not talk about it."
"You sure? Seems like he's put you in bad mood."
I scoffed. "Look, if you're not going to talk about Squall, I'm not going to talk about Axel."
He shut up right away, and I knew he would. I hunched in my seat, folding my arms over the counter and dropping my head inside of them in a stubborn kind of movement.
"Why are you so curious?" He quietly asked, eyeing my form that annoyingly hunched over his bar.
I didn't reply to him, because I didn't know why I was so curious. I didn't think it was me being nosy, because I wasn't really a nosy person. I just… wanted to know.
"Hearing my story won't make you feel any better, kid. Even if it does settle your curiosity."
My eyes rose up to him and I gave him a gentle shrug. "I'm not easily disturbed."
Cloud pulled out a stool from under the counter with a scrape, and sat himself opposite me. He eyed me seriously once he was comfy. "I'm only going to tell you what I want you to hear, okay?"
I pulled myself up from my arms and made my back straight, wanting to pay close attention to this story. Cloud seemed like an interesting person with an interesting tale to tell, and just by the confirmation of the look in his eyes made my irritated thoughts of Axel soon melt away.
Cloud breathed in, and my ears pricked.
"You probably guessed we went to high school together, and we met in Biology class. He interested me because all I could see in him was myself. He was quiet, tough, victimised and solemn. People said we only ever had each other because we couldn't let anyone else in. It was because we couldn't trust anyone but ourselves, and because I could only see myself in him, I could only surmise but to trust him as well. I never understood how someone could relate to me so closely. So we hung out sometimes, got along alright, until we were practically really good friends.
"But I really did like him, I almost trusted him too much. After a night of studying round his house, I lost all my control and only ended up pushing him back into his room and pinning him to the bed. He was really good looking, and you know when a perfect personality and perfect looks mix together, feelings like that would only naturally takes its toll. Then after that night, both of our control had been totally torn to pieces. On some days, once we knew the toilets were empty in school, he'd push me against the wall and lift me up till my legs found themselves wrapped around his hips. We were both violent towards each other. Deep down he was a ruthless predator, always going for the kill and tearing down anything in his way. I knew this, because I was like this.
"One night alone with only myself, I started throwing things around in my bedroom, anger and frustration just crowding my trail of thoughts. I thought I was in love, when I didn't want to be. Love only causes confusion and in the end, pain. I didn't want it, but it wouldn't go away. Every time Squall came to my mind, I couldn't stop wanting to be right there with him, making him happy, making him feel like the most special person in the world. I felt sick.
"I decided to avoid him for a while. I started skipping school and I didn't answer the door or my phone. I'd tell my mum to tell everyone that I wasn't there. I spent weeks cooped up in my room until finally someone crawled through my window in the middle of the night while I was asleep. Squall climbed on top of me and the covers and roofed his hand over my mouth so I wouldn't make a sound. He was angry. He asked why I had been avoiding him, so I told him because I knew he deserved to be told the truth, and I just couldn't hold it in anymore."
Cloud fumbled on the wooden stool, his brows neatly furrowing together tightly. I could tell it was hard for him to tell me all of this, and to be fair, I felt a little harsh. But it wasn't as if I'd forced him to tell me… hadn't even laid a guilt trip on him. Just by the look on his face I could also tell he was determined to tell me everything he could, even though he didn't have to. It must have meant a lot to him.
But Cloud had paused for a while, his concentration on the counter in between us, either looking for the right words to say or the courage to actually say it.
I decided to help him out a little. I was already finding his story all too familiar, even if I didn't want to admit it. I even had some idea of what would happen next. "He… he hated you didn't he?" I hated to be blunt, but one of us had to say it.
Cloud let out a breath that he appeared to be holding for a while, and it was almost painful to hear how shaky it was. "I wished I never told him, or that I'd ever met him in the first place… because even after he almost broke my jaw, I still couldn't stop thinking about him."
I didn't know why, but I found myself holding Cloud's lower arm in comfort. I guess I just wanted him to know it was okay. I sympathized with him and I knew how it would feel to be crushed like that. Axel would do the exact same thing, I was just lucky enough to know that beforehand.
Then I suddenly realised as I'd been listening to Cloud, that I'd been picturing, the whole time, Cloud and Squall as myself and Axel.
It really made no sense to me why I was, but everything just came tumbling down on me like a ton of bricks. Now I was really finding myself in Cloud's past. Cloud had just spelt everything out for me, basically told me what I was supposed to be feeling and what would happen next. But it still didn't feel right.
I did not love Axel.
I closed my eyes. "Are you sure it was love?"
Cloud looked at my lidded eyes, and the arm that was still in my grip tensed. "Squall loved me too, he just hated it as much as I did. He didn't disappear after I'd told him, he just made sure I regretted I'd ever said it. Because he couldn't leave me. So yes, it was love."
My hand left Cloud's arm and I rose to my feet, the stool scraping backwards behind me. I noticed him staring at me and my abrupt movement. But I just stood there, looking at the ground, not really knowing why I'd stood up in the first place. I wanted to leave now, but I was being held back.
Cloud gave out a soft scoff of air. "It's that Axel guy, isn't it?"
My eyes widened as the harsh words left Cloud's mouth then hit right into me. Turns out I was as obvious as Cloud.
I turned around and headed for the door, not saying a word. I heard Cloud's soft voice telling me he hadn't even finished the story.
I wanted to make my own ending.