Beware: This chapter had me in tears a few different times, so consider yourself warned.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Songs for this chapter: What I'd Give - Sugarland

Someday - Rob Thomas

If you can, I strongly suggest listening to the Sugarland song as you read this chapter...and then you may need a box of tissues too! :)

My breath caught in my throat and I am pretty sure my heart skipped a beat or two. I looked down at my hands and fisted them in my lap. Part of me had been dying to hear him say this, and another part of me was scared that he'd say it. Now he had…now what? It's not like we could do anything about it, immediately anyway. We had two completely separate lives now. Lives that involved children and a marriage.

Why do I have to keep reminding myself of that?

"But, I said it before and I will say it again. I won't be that guy that breaks up a family. Your family. I won't. As much as I want to take you in my arms right now and hold you and kiss you and, damn it, tell you that we'll make it work, I can't. I won't be that guy."

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and simply nodded my head. I couldn't find my voice and I was fighting the tears threatening to make an appearance. I felt his fingers on my chin as he pulled my face up to look at him. I opened my eyes and saw the pain in his. This was another of those defining moments. Two people who loved each other, and yet there were too many roadblocks in their path to that love.

"Please say something." He whispered and his voiced cracked.

My resistance dissolved and I launched myself into his chest, wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and he pulled me tight to him. He buried his face into the hair on my shoulder and he placed his lips at the junction of my neck and shoulder. I could feel his ragged breaths, hot on my skin and I shivered. It took me a moment to realize that my hot tears were soaking his shirt where my face met his collarbone. I couldn't bring myself to let go or care. All I wanted was this. To be in his arms like this and feel whole again. It felt like home. I took a deep breath and breathed in his scent. My Edward.

"I miss you. I miss you so much that…memories of you, of us, invade my thoughts everyday. I miss you so much that it physically hurts." I sobbed into his shoulder. "I want so badly for you to tell me that it will work. I want so badly for you want me too and want us." I sniffled and just held on, afraid to let go. I didn't know if I would ever get the chance to be in his arms like this again. I felt Edward lift his head and press his lips to my temple and he sniffled. This sucks!

We stayed embraced like that long enough for me to regain some composure and my tears to run dry. I reluctantly began to loosen my hold on him and started to move back sliding my hands down to his chest, when Edward suddenly grabbed the back of my head and pressed his lips to my hairline on my forehead for a long moment and then rested his head to mine. Our noses brushed against each other's just briefly and I had to pull away to keep myself of pressing my lips to his. Lord knows I wanted to with every fiber of my being. He pulled my hands into his in our laps and I looked down at them. He ran his thumb over my wedding ring and my heart clenched and I closed my eyes again.

"I won't do it Bella. You have to believe me when I tell you that this is killing me…destroying me to do this…but please understand why." He cupped my face his in hands and his blue red-rimmed eyes bore into mine. "I will spend the rest of my life regretting ever letting you go…" his voiced cracked and tears fell from my eyes again. He caught them with the pads of his thumbs and rubbed them away.

"God…" I sobbed as I closed my eyes and wrapped my hands around his wrists. "I want so badly to be mad at you right now. I want to hate you for walking away from us so easily all those years ago." I opened my eyes and looked into his again. "I want to hate you for haunting me and making me second-guess my life. Most of all, I want to hate myself for loving you." I sighed. "But I can't do any of that…because it would just tarnish something beautiful. What we had…hell, who are we kidding…what we have…people spend most of their lives searching for that kind of love Edward. Yet here we are, it's staring us in the face and we have to turn around and walk away from it? How fair is that?"

"It's not fair." He whispered and I pulled his hands away from my face and put them in his lap. I stood up. "I think I should probably go." He didn't answer as I turned and headed down the hall to the bathroom. I stepped inside, closed the door and leaned my back up against it. I was angry, hurt, confused, defeated, exhausted and just all around heartbroken.

How many times had Charlie said, 'No matter how you look at it, life's not fair kid. It never was, still isn't and never will be. But you have to take the good with the bad, and just live it to the fullest.'

I hated this conflicting feeling. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't because I loved him. I wanted to tell myself that it was over, and go on with my life with Jacob, but I knew that it would just be me continuing to settle for less than what I really wanted in life. I wanted to turn off all of my feelings completely so that I didn't hurt any longer. I was tired of hurting. At the same time, I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. As long as the hurt was there, I could know for sure that Edward and I did exist, and that our love existed even if we couldn't act on it.

I knew one thing for sure. I didn't want to feel like this any longer. I wanted to be happy, and I am not happy. How do I do this? One way or another someone was going to get hurt, and the last thing that I ever wanted to do was hurt either of these men. Jacob had been there through the good and the bad, never faltering in his love and commitment to me. He didn't turn his back when life got tough; he stood tall, faced it head on and refused to ever let me give up. And there had been plenty of times that I had been ready to do just that and leave.

Edward ran. Edward pushed me away, put up a wall and shredded every fiber of trust that I had in him. Edward shattered my heart into a million pieces. When it got 'too good' or 'too perfect' he tucked tail and ran away from it instead of embracing it for what it was, perfect. Chicken-shit. Yet, I have still never felt for Jacob what I felt for Edward.

Then there are the children. They don't deserve to have their perfectly happy little world torn apart just because I am selfish. But how many times had I told people in the past that staying together for the sake of the children isn't a way to live. They will only be more miserable because eventually your unhappiness will be evident to them.

I suppose it should be pretty obvious. The most important person to worry about hurting is myself. I either stay, and it would ultimately be for the sake of the children and for fear of being on my own for the first time in ten years. Or I leave knowing that the possibility of a life with Edward isn't even a for sure thing. There would be struggles all the way around with that. I mean, we obviously share a strong love, but is it enough? There is a huge lack of trust that he created and it would take so much for him to make that up to me and prove that when life or love proved to be 'too perfect' he wasn't going to just freak out on me again and leave. He had obviously learned how to commit himself to someone, he did marry Tanya, but he surely had trust issues too since she's a skank and cheated on him.

What a gigantic cluster fuck.

I was tired of crying and I felt like I hadn't slept in a week. I went to the sink, splashed cold water on my face a few times and took a towel off the rack to dry it. I needed to compose myself for the kids. I still had to go back out there and face Edward again too, and I needed to try not to break down anymore. Who am I trying fool? That's not likely.

Just as I felt I had composed myself enough and was ready to head back out, my phone rang. Unknown.

Shit. Jacob.

I took a deep breath sat down on the edge of the bathtub and rested my head in my hand.

"Hey Jake." I answered as confidently and fake as I could muster. I was pretty sure that I sounded all kinds of congested from crying.

"Hey babe. How's it going?" He sounded tired. He was probably having a hard time adjusting to time changing so rapidly as they crossed the ocean towards Africa.

"Going just fine. How about you? You sound tired."

"I was just going to say the same thing to you. Are you ok?"

"Yea Jake. I'm fine. Just been a long day with the kids is all." Oh yea, and I am emotionally spent from confessions with Edward.

"Why don't you drop them off at your mom's for a night?"

"I did last weekend. We've just been busy today that's all. No big deal." I was being short with him but I couldn't help it. I really didn't feel like talking to him right now.

"Ok. You sure you're all right? You don't sound like yourself."

"I'm fine Jake." I huffed. "What time is it there? Can you call me back later?"

"It's noon. I was just getting ready to go eat lunch, so I thought I'd give you a call. It's fine if you don't want to talk to me. It's just been a long day already and I wanted to hear the voice of the one person that's on my side for a change." And insert the infamous Jacob guilt trip. I sighed.

"I'm sorry Jake. I'm just spent too. We'll talk later ok? Or email me? I'm not sure yet what we're doing tomorrow, but you can call us then."

"Bella what's going on? Why do I feel like you don't care if I call you at all or not?"

Ughhhhhhhhh! What's going on is that I am finally realizing that I can't do this charade any longer and I don't know what to do about it! What's going on is that I am finally realizing that I never got over Edward and now all those old feelings are coming to a head and again and I don't know what to do about it. That's what's going on! But you're halfway around the world and talk about being an insensitive bitch if I told you all of that right now.

"Nothing's going on Jake. Do we really have to do this right now? You're tired, I'm tired that's all."

"Fine." He sighed. "I guess I'll talk to you later then. Love you. Bye." And with that he hung up. He is so fucking immature! I swear half the time it's like I have four children. Jerk.

I took a deep breath and righted myself to leave the bathroom. The house was really quiet and I peeked around the corner into Kaylie's room to see that the kids were no longer in there. I turned and headed back to the living room. No Edward. I walked into the kitchen and he was leaning up against the doorframe of the back door, looking out into the backyard. His hands were in his pockets and his posture was slightly slumped…defeated. I could hear the kids voices coming from outside as I edged closer to him.

"The kids wanted to go to the park, but if you're ready to leave I can call them back in." he said softly without turning around and virtually no emotion in his voice.

I stopped and stood there looking at him from behind. I didn't want to leave. I knew I should, but I really didn't want to. I wanted to stay right here with him and hide away from the world. Pretend that this was our life and to hell with anything and everything else.

I reached my hand out to place it on his back, but refrained and pulled it back to my side. I cleared my throat and tried to speak but I was choking down a sob. "Edward, I don't want to leave with things like this. But I also don't know what I am supposed to do from here." I said softly and looked down at my feet.

"You're supposed to go home to your husband and never tell him any of this, because it will completely destroy him." He said as he turned and walked towards me.

"So, I'm just supposed to live a half life forever then? Never be completely fulfilled?" I asked looking up at him desperately trying not to cry again.

"Bella, have you always been this unhappy with Jacob? I am sure that there was a time when you were very happy and in love with him. You can find that again."

I furrowed my brow as the pain took over my expression. "But I have never given myself to him completely. I know that now because I've never loved him completely. Not as completely as I love you."

He took my hands and looked down at them between us. "I know I have probably over used this word in the last few days, but I am so sorry Bella."

I nodded my head and looked down at our hands between us. What else was there to say? I couldn't make it any more clear to him that he is what I wanted, and I wasn't going to make any more of a fool of myself by begging. He was standing his moral 'high ground' and I had to accept it, or at the very least, try and understand it. That's what he was asking of me.

Was this it? Was this my closure? Edward and I would never be again? Forever?

"I guess I should get the kids so we can go." I said reluctantly looking into his eyes.

After everyone had said their 'goodbyes' and were loaded into the truck, I turned on the DVD player and handed everyone their headphones. Edward and Kaylie stood by the driver side door, hand-in-hand and both with somber looks on their faces. I crouched down in front of her and took her hands in mine. I wasn't sure if I would ever see her again and that hurt.

"It was so wonderful to meet you Kaylie. You're a sweet girl. You take really good care of your daddy ok?" I choked back the tears, but my voice still cracked. She nodded her head. "I hope I get to see you again someday. Have a fun summer." And I pulled her to me. She wrapped her little arms around my neck and I took another deep breath to fight the tears. I patted her back, let her go and stood up to face Edward.

Inside I was dying. I felt another piece of my heart tear off as I registered his expression. We'd never been here before. We'd never had to look each other in the eye and say goodbye and it was killing me. I could see it in his eyes too. Damn it Edward!

He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around my waist forcing my arms up over his shoulders and I wrapped them around his neck. Our faces were buried into each other's shoulders and I sobbed again.

"I'll always love you Bella." He said quietly enough for just us to hear and I sobbed harder.

Taking a deep breath and memorizing his scent once again, I slid my hand up the back of his neck into his hair and I turned my head to place a long kiss on his cheek. I squeezed my eyes and tears rolled down my face. I pulled away from him and wiped under my eyes with my fingers. He placed his hand on my shoulder and pressed his lips to my forehead for a moment. "Be safe." He murmured.

"Okay…well…I guess I'll see you later then." I stated forcefully trying to compose myself. He nodded and held my gaze for a lingering moment. I nodded my head and turned and climbed into the truck. I shut the door, turned on the ignition and never looked back at him again as I pulled away from the little yellow house.

I made it to the corner of his street and I could feel my chest constricting and the pain began to take over. I turned it and pulled my truck over to the curb put my head on the steering wheel and tried to breath. I needed to get it together long enough to get back to my dad's house. I sat back and rested my head against the seat. I hit the volume button on my steering wheel to turn the music up and try and drown out my sorrows.

….hold all your feelings inside

You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe, someday

We'll figure all this out

Try to put an end to all our doubt

Try to find a way to make things better now and

Maybe someday we'll live our lives out load

We'll be better off somehow

Someday

Now wait

And try to find another mistake

If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind

You can run, oh

And when everything is over and done

You can shine a little light on everything around you

Man it's good to be someone

I lifted my head and looked out the windshield and turned that shit off real quick. I needed to hear the voice that I hadn't heard in way too long. The bubbly pixie would make me feel better. She always could.

"Bella!" she screeched through the phone.

"Hey Alice. It sure is good to hear your voice." My voice was raspy and I knew I was going to be busted.

"Uh oh. What's wrong? Why have you been crying Bella? Are you having an 'I miss Jacob' day?"

"Actually Alice…promise you won't freak out ok?"

"Okayyyy I promise. What's going on?"

I took a deep breath, "I'm just leaving Edward's house after spending the day with him and our kids." I paused. She knew the majority of my 'Edward story'; she just didn't know that I was here doing this right now.

"Go on."

"Nothing happened like you may be fearing, but now everything is all fucked up and I really needed to talk to you."

So, I filled her in on the details of the last few months, since I had sort of kept her in the dark about it. Not intentionally, but I just wasn't sure where all this was going and I knew when I needed her, she'd be there without hesitation.

"So what are you gonna do? Do you really think it's over with you a Jacob?"

"Most of the time I feel that way yes. I am not in love with him, that I know for sure. But it's such a scary thought to just end things."

"Right Bella, but I think I know you pretty well and you're not one to do things just to do them. You're a strong person and I know whatever decision you make, you'll be fine. It will be the one that's best for you. Do you think it's fair to either one of you to keep going on the way you are?"

"I'm so sick of talking about what's fair. Nothing is fair! Life is not fair!"

"Bella, calm down. Where are the kids?"

"Watching a movie in the back."

"Just relax. You know I am here to help you work this all out. I want to talk about you and Jacob for a moment. You know you can't make this decision based on Edward right?"

"Of course I know that Alice. I've been telling myself all along that I can't factor him into any decision that I make, because that part is so uncertain."

"Ok, just making sure that you're thinking with your head and not your heart."

We spent a little more time talking things through and she was able to calm me down enough that I could drive home safely now. I really missed her and wished that we didn't live on opposite ends of the country.

Stupid Navy.

The kids were in bed; dad, Rosie and Emmett were downstairs in the living room as I slumped down into the hot water of my bath. I laid my head back and replayed the day's events. The talking, the laughing, the fun, the tears, the feel of his arms around me and the feeling of being at home in them. It was almost surreal. My phone chimed a text from where it sat on the bathroom counter. I almost ignored it, deciding that whoever it was, it wasn't going to be who I wanted it to be. It chimed again, so I dried my hands on a towel as I leaned out of the tub to grab it. I almost dropped it in the tub when I saw that it was in fact, Edward. What the hell?

Guess who showed up in my stomach at that realization?

I just wanted to make sure that you made it back to Forks safely. – Edward

Also, I had a really good time today. – Edward

Yes, we r here safe and sound. Thanks. Me too. – B

I know it may take a while but I hope that we can be friends. I don't want to not have you in my life again. – Edward

I'd like that. But yea it will take time. I have to figure out how to only be your friend and not want more. – B

I understand I hope we can figure it out – Edward

Me too – B

Goodnight Bella – Edward

Goodnight Edward xoxo - B

xoxo - Edward

After a good long thought-filled soak in the tub, I dried and put on my pajamas. I brushed my hair and teeth and went to my room. Lying down on my bed, I stared up at the ceiling making patterns out of the swirls in the plaster. Something was plaguing me and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I felt like there was still an unanswered question looming over Edward and I and this whole situation. I grabbed my Mac Book out of my bag and booted it up. First, I checked my email to see if Jacob was acting like and adult yet, but there was nothing from him. Fine. You're just making my decision that much easier. Writing was an easy way for me to say everything without leaving things out or getting flustered, so before I realized it, I was typing out an email to Edward.

From: Bella Black

Date: June 25, 2008 11:37:17 PM PST

To: Edward Cullen

Subject: Consider this…

Edward,

Just hear me out please. I wasn't sure where to begin with this. I don't want to make things any more awkward than they already are, but there is something else I need to say. The very last thing that I want to do is push you away, so for just one second put down your wall and read this please. I want you to understand where my head is, so just hear me out.

Chapter End Notes:

Thank you SOOOO much for reading! I love hearing what you think! You're all awesome!

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