A HUGE thanks goes out to BamaGurl for helping me get the convo with Bella & Charlie right.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Songs for this chapter: Truth - Kris Allen
All songs and photos can be found on my blogsite linked in my profile.
From: Bella Black
Date: June 25, 2008 11:37:17 PM PST
To: Edward Cullen
Subject: Consider this…
Edward,
Just hear me out please. I wasn't sure where to begin with this. I don't want to make things any more awkward than they already are, but there is something else I need to say. The very last thing that I want to do is push you away, so for just one second put down your wall and read this please. I want you to understand where my head is, so just hear me out.
I know what I want…it's you. Just keep reading. It has always been you. Since the day we first met, it's always been you. It's sad to me that I have spent 10 years in a marriage where there was always "someone else" and I can't continue to lie to him or myself any longer. I think it was just me trying to do the "right thing." Trying to do what everyone else would think was what I was supposed to do. But that just meant making everyone around me happy and not letting myself be completely happy. Believe me, I have TRIED to give all of me and give it the chance, but I just can't go another 5, 10, 20+ years pretending. He is and has always been my best friend, but "love of my life" he hasn't been. When I married him, I thought that would be enough, and maybe someday it would eventually be there. That he could love me enough for both of us. I was wrong.
I get what you said your move to San Diego is about. I get that you are tired of the relationship that you are in, and the ones you've had, that you want to make a clean break and a fresh start. I am not asking you to jump from one to another. But there is something that I need to know from you. Can you consider the possibility of us? Not today, not tomorrow, not even 6 months from now…but at all? Can you envision a future with me in it? Be honest with yourself. I know you remember how good it was. Put out of your mind all the crap that you have been thru, and think about the possibility of being with that one person that wants nothing more than the best for you. Being with that one person that would do anything in the world to make sure you know you are loved and make you happy. I know you remember how good we were together. Can you even slightly picture that? Maybe not, but can you at least try.
You deserve to know what it feels like to open up your heart completely and let someone in. To trust someone and have them trust you completely. To take down the walls and just let it be. That's where I have not been fair to Jacob, b/c I have never been able to give him all of me. It's not for lack of trying, but part of me has always been with you. You've always been there.
However, if the only way that I can have you in my life is as my friend, then I am willing to accept that, and drop it, won't ever bring any of this up again. I don't want you to avoid me and put up more walls. That would be too hard. But there is something that I need you to really, honestly understand….I am NOT like these other women that you have been with in the past. You deserve so much better than that! I would never and have never cheated on Jacob (and I am not looking for that now). I am just trying to finally be true to my feelings and move on. Don't you think it says something when it's been 10 years and the feelings haven't changed? Doesn't that account for something? I think it does. I meant it when I said that there would never be another woman in this world that will love you and care about you the way that I do. But if the only way that I can love you is as my friend, then I can accept that, and I am willing to have to deal with it.
The reason that I know you're not an ass…you could have very easily been hurtful and mean to me. But you weren't. You were anything but. If you really believe that you are that person, if that's who you think you are, then be the ass…if you want nothing to do with me, say it, tell me to go to hell and don't worry about sparing my feelings. That will be my closure. But I know you're not an asshole. It's just your cover.
Regardless of your answer, my marriage is ending. It's been coming for a while now, so please look past that fact and consider what I am saying. You're not that guy; so don't think of yourself that way in this situation.
I'd like to see you again before we leave. No strings. It's just been really good to be home and I've missed you (as I miss all my friends from home). Don't avoid me now because I said all of this, just think about it and let me know your thoughts. You're a good man Edward, and from our conversations, I can see that you have good intentions; you've just not had the right relationships.
Think about it. I'll wait to hear from you.
Bella
I read it and reread it over and over again. Then I saved it. I wasn't sure I was ready to send it just yet, but it felt good to just write it. I didn't want to look like a complete fool. I think I'd done a good enough job of that this far.
I shut the laptop down and went to bed.
The next few days passed by in a blur. I didn't hear from Edward and I wasn't sure if I was expecting to really. He let me know where he stood and I said that I would let him know if I could be just his friend. Jacob hadn't emailed or called again. But he would soon. This is how his little temper tantrums worked, and when he did make contact again, it would either go one of two ways. He'd either try to make me feel really guilty for not "being there for him" or he'd act like nothing happened at all. Either way, I needed to prepare for the emotional rollercoaster of my "dear husband".
Rose, Emmett and their kids were spending the weekend in Seattle with his family, so it was a little quieter around the house with just myself and the kids and dad at work. It was early Saturday evening when my cell phone rang. It was Jacob, so I took a deep breath and answered. Here we go.
"Hey Jake."
"Hey. How's it going?"
"It's going. How about you?"
"Fine. Same ol' crap different day. This Master Chief is a real prick and I am sick of watching him kiss the Captain's ass."
"I'm sorry. How are your sailors?"
"Fine for the most part. I have few that are dumb as a box of rocks, but I also have some that bust their asses, so…"
"That's good."
"Bella, are you ok? You haven't emailed me at all since you've been home. I feel like you don't even care if you talk to me."
"I'm fine. I just have a lot on my mind is all and been busy with the kids."
"So what's on your mind? Talk to me."
"Please don't worry about it. I am fine."
"Do you even love me anymore?"
"What are you talking about? Yes, I love you." Even if you are acting like a douche.
"Are you in love with me?"
"Jake, I don't want to do this right now. Why are you trying to fight with me when you're halfway around the world?"
"That's not an answer Bella. But I guess it was."
"Jake…"
"Just tell me if you're going to be on the pier when I come home."
"Of course the kids and I will be on the pier. I wouldn't do that to you."
"So, then what is it? What's going on?"
"I'm just trying to figure some things out is all."
"Like what? Are you leaving me, Bella?"
"Like me, Jacob. I've been on my own for the last year and a half, and I've changed. I see things differently, and I am just trying to figure it all out. God, I really don't want to be having this conversation with you on the phone."
"Well, I guess we don't have much choice do we?"
I sighed. This really wasn't a conversation that I wanted to have over the phone but he just wasn't hearing me. I'm not a total bitch and I know that he can't do anything about being on deployment, but I would rather have a conversation like this in person.
"Jake, I really, really don't want to talk about this right now."
"When are we supposed to talk then? In four months when I get home, and you've already made up your mind to leave?"
I was silent for a long pause.
"Bella, this is all I can think about right now and wondering what is going on. I don't like it that something is bothering you and you won't even talk to me about it. You don't answer my emails and you're distant when we talk on the phone."
"I'm sorry, Jake. I'm just beginning to realize that there are things I want out of life that I am not getting right now. I'm learning who Bella is again, and I've missed her. But the root of it all, I'm just not happy. But I am working that out, so don't worry about it." I was being cold, but he was forcing me to talk about this right now when I didn't want to.
'I can't just not worry about it. Will you please talk to me? I know you are enjoying being home and I know that is something you miss. I also know you too well and I don't know if that is all that is going through your head, but I feel like you being there is a large portion of it."
I remained silent. I wondered if there was some thought in his head about Edward.
"All I am asking is that you talk to me about it. I don't like knowing something is wrong and you're trying to deal with it all by yourself, even if it is just to lend an ear. Bella, I love you more than you will ever know, so please let me be there for you."
"I don't know what to tell you. There really isn't anything you can do, so don't stress yourself out about it. I know you love me and I know you're there for me. I just don't want to talk about it with you halfway around the world. Do you understand that?"
He sighed and I could hear the confusion and frustration in it. I felt bad, but what could I do? I can't help the way that I feel.
"Just answer me. Are you in love with me?"
Shit. He's forcing me to do this anyway, so it's his fault if he doesn't like the answer.
I sighed, "No."
"I thought so."
We were both silent for a long while not really sure where to go from here.
"How do I fix it?"
"I don't know."
"Why did you let me re-enlist last year then? If this is where things were headed, why did you let me stay in the Navy? I could have gotten out and things would have been fine."
"Re-enlisting was the right thing to do, Jake."
We were quiet again. I could hear the kids out in the backyard laughing and playing. A few years ago my dad had a swing set put into the yard for the kids. It was one of those gigantic wooden structures with a fort on top, swings and a circular tube slide. They loved it. Standing up from the couch I walked over to the window and looked out at them. Innocent bystanders. I sighed and continued to watch them play.
"I don't want to lose you, Bella."
I didn't respond. How did I tell him that he never really had me? I'm awful. Shame on me for keeping this man from finding someone that could have given her whole self to him. He deserved that. But I deserve to be happy too right? I deserve to give myself completely too right?
"I need to get the kids inside and start dinner. Did you want to talk to them?"
"Not right now. I'll call them later."
"Ok, well then can I let you go?"
"Yea, I'll call ya later. I love you, Bella."
"Love you too, Jake."
"You have no idea how much I wish it was enough."
I sighed again. "Bye, Jake."
Later that evening after Charlie came home and we had eaten dinner and the kids were in bed, I sat on the couch with my laptop checking my emails while dad was in his chair watching baseball. There were a few emails from the ship's family group talking about halfway parties and upcoming social events. There were a few emails from Jacob as well. One that stood out was one he'd sent that day. It had come not too long after we talked.
From: ITC Black, Jacob
Date: June 28, 2008 04:37:22 PM PST
To: Bella Black
Subject: Hey
Hey baby,
First and for most I am not mad. I understand why you feel the way that you do and I want you to know that I will do anything to make this work and make you happy again. I will not give up. I will be here for you when ever you need me to. All I ask is please don't give up without giving it a chance when I get home. I know you have done more than you should have over the past few years and I can't say sorry enough to make up for it. I am still in love with you and don't want to lose you because of the Navy. All I am asking is for a fair shot when I get home. I know there is not much I can do from here and that is what is killing me inside but I will do what ever I can.
I LOVE YOU and that will never change.
See. Jacob didn't tuck tail and run. Any woman would be thrilled with that. I must be an idiot. I responded.
From: Bella Black
Date: June 28, 2008 10:27: 33 PM PST
To: ITC Black, Jacob
Re: Hey
Please just give me the time to get this all worked out in my head. Everyone says to follow my heart and do what is going to make me happy. And they're right. I have spent too long doing what I thought would make everyone else happy and not focusing on anything that makes me happy. So, that is what I am trying to sort out…continuing the way I have been or changing it? Just be patient with me. No matter what happens, I am sorry for hurting you.
I have always known that you love me more, please don't take that the wrong way and I am not saying it to hurt you, just being honest. But I have tried to give you that in return and always feel horrible for not being able to give you all of me. I think somehow you've known that tho…I'm sorry.
After I sent it, I took another look at the email I'd drafted to Edward. I made a few edits and sent it. Now or never I guess. I shut down my computer and looked up at Charlie. I need his advice more than anything at this point. My dad and I were pretty close, but conversation wasn't always our strong point. We had a nice silent relationship for the most part and it worked well for us.
"Dad, can I talk to you for a second?"
"Sure kid, what's up?" he asked as he turned the volume down on the TV and looked over at me.
"Well, I sort of need some fatherly advice, but I need for you to keep your opinions about certain people out of it and just think about the situation. Can you do that?"
He raised his eyebrows in a surprised confusion and nodded his head.
"Ok…umm…I'm sort of…I don't…." I took a deep breath. "Dad, I'm not in love with Jacob anymore, and I am seriously considering leaving him."
He furrowed his brow, "Did something happen?"
"Not exactly. Nothing other than me having learned more about myself over the last few months. I mean hell, I spent a year without him and I've become a different person. He doesn't seem to see that though and thinks that it's all about the Navy."
Stupid Navy.
"Jacob loves you, Bells."
"I know he does, but I can't help the way that I feel. I want more."
"Is there something else to this?" he asked knowingly.
I fisted my hands in my lap and looked down at my fingers. "I saw Edward on Wednesday when I went to PA."
He didn't say anything, and I chanced looking up at him. I suddenly felt like I was seventeen again and not a grown woman with three children. His expression was blank yet, fatherly? He wasn't Edwards biggest fan.
"Nothing happened. I swear. We just talked…a lot, and I probably cried a little too much. But I realized that I never really had any closure with him and I never really got over him either. Do you have any idea how hard it is to accept that?"
He let out a long exhale and nodded. "I do kid. I know exactly how hard that is." I instantly knew he was talking about Renee. As crazy and erratic as she was, he loved her and to this day he's never gotten over her either. I sighed. Weren't we a pair?
"What do I do dad? It's not like this is some easy decision to make."
"You're not trying to say you want to leave Jacob to be with Edward are you?"
"No! I know better than that dad. Things with Edward are so…I don't even know…messed up! We both know that we have this deep love for each other that we've never felt for anyone else, but...it's so complicated. I hate it. I mean maybe someday…I don't know?" I choked back the tears yet again.
"And Jacob?"
I let out an exasperated sighed. "Jacob. Well, like you said, he loves me. But…I just…I feel nothing romantic for him at all anymore. It's like we've, or I've, crossed back over to that friendship zone where we started out. I don't even think about him like that anymore. " I blushed.
Charlie cleared his throat and blushed a little too. "Well, I don't have the best track record at dealing with the past, and I know how hard it can be to let go of it and move on, but you have to make choices that are healthy for you, not just based on what you want. You know, sometimes you gotta learn to love what's good for you. You know what I mean? Does that make sense?"
I nodded and he continued. "Because not everything that you want is always healthy for you." He paused again. "But what I want most is for you to be happy and you haven't been yourself since you got here. I knew you'd let me know what it was eventually, so I didn't pry."
That did it and I couldn't hold the tears back any longer. "I'm sorry, daddy. I didn't want to bring a burden here. I really wanted to see you and let the kids have a distraction for the summer."
He stood and came to sit next to me on the couch. Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, he pulled me to his chest. We weren't the cuddliest pair, but this we could handle without too much awkwardness.
"You are never a burden, Bells. Ever. You know you are welcome here anytime, no matter what, don't ever think that."
"I wish this was an easy decision. I wish I could just say, 'my marriage is over' and get on with it, but it's so not easy!" I sniffed, wiping my tears with my shirt. "How do you make a decision to just throw away almost ten years of marriage? I feel like I've made some huge mistake with my life and now I can't change it. Like I chose a path and it was the wrong one, and now everything is all screwed up."
"Is that how you honestly feel? You can't say that those beautiful babies upstairs are a mistake Bells."
"No dad, no." I shook my head. "I wouldn't give them up for anything in the world, but…" I groaned and sobbed into his shoulder. "I know no other life than Jacob, and it's terrifying to think of leaving all that behind for the unknown future. And when I say future, that doesn't necessarily include Edward…just for the record."
He was quiet for a while just holding me while I calmed back down.
"Dad?"
"Yea Bells?" he answered softly.
"Thank you."
He chuckled. "I don't know that I've been much help, but you're welcome."
"Just being here is helping…and dad?"
"Yea?"
"I think I know what I am going to do now. I guess I've known for a while."
"And what's that?"
I sighed heavily. "I'm going to ask Jacob for a divorce." I half whispered.
He sighed and squeezed me tighter.
"Are you disappointed in me?" I sobbed.
"No, Bella. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself and making a tough decision for yourself for a change. I'm sad that you have to go through this though."
"Me too."
"I'll be here for you, no matter what you need. You know that right?"
"Yes dad. Thank you. I love you."
"Love you too kid."
Thoughts?