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Songs for this chapter: If I'm Not In Love With You - Faith Hill (she owns not me.)

All songs and photos can be found on my blogsite for this story linked in my profile.

December 2008

It was the weekend before Christmas and I wanted to get some last minute gifts for the kids. The last couple of months have been difficult for them so I wanted to make sure that they had "gift overload" Christmas morning. My guilt taking over, I'm sure. I pulled my truck up alongside the curb in front of his apartment building. It was Jacob's weekend to have the kids. He had only lived in this building about two months. After a few rounds of late night arguing in our bedroom when he'd returned home from deployment and countless hours spent "talking about how to save us", he finally gave in when I told him that what I wanted was a divorce.

The night it finally happened, it had been about two weeks since he'd returned from deployment. I was happy to see him when he first stepped off that ship, but was even more resolved in my decision. Being with him in person only reconfirmed for me that I was not in love with him. He was my friend and the father of my children, and that's all. He'd kept pressuring me to tell him what I wanted and even though it was what I wanted, it was still scary. So in a heated argument, I finally told him I wanted him to leave so I could make the choice without being forced into it by him on his terms.

xxx

October

"So, that's is then? This is what you want? You want me to leave?"

"Jacob, this isn't easy for me, you have to know that. But yes, it's what I want. I want you to be able to move on with you life and find someone who deserves your love. I want to be happy too, and I'm not."

"So you can just go running into his waiting arms now?"

"This is not about him and you know that!" I shouted, as I felt my temper rising.

"Oh bullshit, Bella! You can't get him out of your head! Isn't that what your text message to Rosalie said?"

I was so livid when I caught him sneaking my phone when he thought I was in the shower, and reading texts between my friends and I. Livid.

"Your such an ass. You can't even see that for just one second this might have everything to do with my choices and me. I don't need a fucking man to go running to. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I haven't even seen him since he moved here anyway!"

"Whatever." He huffed and walked into the master bathroom.

"You're going to believe what ever you want to believe, so I don't even know why I'm bothering trying to explain myself to you."

He appeared in the doorway. "You have no idea what it's like to want someone who doesn't want you. None."

I sighed. Sure Jacob, I have no idea what that feels like at all. "It doesn't have to be like this ya know? We don't have to fight. Why can't you just understand?"

"Because, Bella…YOU are my one true love, so I don't know how to just let you go."

Two weeks later he moved out and I went and spoke to a lawyer.

xxx

The kids jumped out of the truck and ran up the sidewalk to his apartment. They were excited to see him, and they should be, but in all actuality, they are taking us splitting up a little hard. I should actually say that the girls are more so than Robbie, he's pretty oblivious and really too young to understand anyway. Being so soon after he returned from being gone for seven months, it was to be expected that it would be difficult for them. It tore at my heart, but I was a child of divorce, and I knew they'd be ok too. Just to make sure, I'd put them into counseling to help them through it.

Jacob opened his front door and greeted the three of them with showers of hugs and kisses. He scooped Robbie up into his arms, propped him on his hip and waved at me. I waved back from inside my truck and smiled. See Jake, it doesn't have to be hard. Just be civil. We can still be friends. I sighed. Jacob didn't think so. He had flat out told me that due to his feelings for me, it was not possible for him to be my friend. I think it was his last ditch effort to hold on to me…and throw a little guilt trip my way too. That was something that would most likely never change about Jacob.

I pulled away from the curb and headed towards Mission Valley to the mall.

We were smack in the middle of our ninety-day waiting period until our divorce was finalized. We had agreed to custody and child-support in mediation and it was actually all going really civil. We were trying to move on with our lives. Well, at least I was anyway. He still had his moments of, I guess you could call them, weakness where he would call me crying and begging to not go through with the divorce. Saying that he would do anything to make me happy. Most of the time it was late-night drunk phone calls. I had to heartbreakingly tell him one night when he wouldn't stop; that nothing he could do would bring us back together. I simply didn't love him like that any longer and I was making a change in who I was and I wanted more than what he could offer me. It made him cry harder, and I felt like a royal bitch for it, but it was honest, and at that moment it was what I needed to be in my attempt to finally get through to him. It was the last time he ever called like that again, and things had been slightly awkward ever since.

He was still holding fiercely to his "I can't be your friend" motto, and it was really pissing me off. The kids and I had invited him to dinner one night at their favorite restaurant, and he refused to come. He said it would simply be too painful. Douche.

Edward had moved to San Diego in September, just as he had planned. The last time we had actually seen each other was when he brought Kaylie to the girls' birthday party at Renee's. It was awkward, because I wanted to devote so much attention to him, but I couldn't. He hung out with Emmett and stayed reserved for the most part. I'm sure it had everything to do with the fact that Charlie was all but rude to him and snubbed him when Edward went to shake his hand. Thanks Charlie. He wasn't Edward's biggest fan, for many obvious reasons, but he didn't have to be a jerk.

We had texted back and forth a few times when he first got here, but I hadn't seen him since I left Washington. He called me on my birthday, and I remember thinking how surreal it was. He was keeping his distance, and while I knew and understood why, it still hurt. I wanted it to be easy, and it wasn't, so it just became frustrating instead. Frustrating for me at least.

I had made my way through a few different stores finding the perfect gifts for the kids. Famished, I stopped in the food court to grab a bite to eat. I plopped down into the chair and unwrapped my chicken flatbread sandwich. I had just taken my second bite when I felt it. It was like an electric current shot up my spine and made every hair on the back of my neck stand up. I was frozen on the spot. I chewed and swallowed before slowly turning my head to look around the dining area. I was trying to look casual as I scanned the faces, but deep down I knew it had to be him and it made my breathing pick up and my heart flutter. Behind me I hear a chair squeal as it slid across the tiled flooring. I whipped my head around and gasped.

"Well, well…if it isn't the beautiful Isabella Sw-Black." His velvet voice wrapped all around me as he smiled softly. "May I join you for lunch?" he asked as he motioned to the chair next to me.

Get it together Bella. Breathe.

"Edward." Realizing my mouth was hanging open in surprised, I snapped it closed and cleared my throat. "Yes! Please! Of course! Sit!" I answered, visibly shaken at the surprise of seeing him.

Oh my God, it's so good to see him!

"So, what brings you to the mall madhouse the weekend before Christmas?" he asked still grinning while he opened up his Chinese take-out box and grabbed an egg roll.

Pulling myself together, I answered slowly. "I wanted to find some last minute gifts for the kids. This Christmas is going to be hard on them, so I wanted to make them feel a little better about it with more things to open. Probably trying to help me with my guilt more than anything really."

Edward furrowed his brow in confusion. "Why is this year going to be hard? Did something happen?"

I blinked. I guess I assumed that Emmett would have told him. "Umm… yea… umm… Jacob moved out and I filed for divorce. It umm…should be final right after the first of the year." I shifted my eyes away not sure I wanted to see his reaction.

"I'm sorry, Bella. This can't be easy for you. It can't be easy for them either." He said softly, yet a hint of a smile played on the corners of his mouth.

"Yea, it's not. I have them in counseling, so I am hoping that will help them some. I mean, in reality, I know that they will be fine, but it doesn't ease the guilt I feel."

He grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently. I met his gaze and his beautiful blue eyes were drenched in concern.

"Bella, please don't beat yourself up over this. You can't help the way you feel. People are people, and sometimes we change our minds or it doesn't work out. You can't help that."

In his eyes I saw it; this man loved me. I took a deep breath. Butterflies.

"It's so good to see you. How's the transition been?" I asked smiling.

"Not too bad. I finally found someone to rent out my house in PA, so that's one less thing for me to worry about."

We fell into our easy banter as we ate our lunch. As usual, conversation and interaction with Edward was never difficult. He had begun, what he described as his grueling training with the fire department. He would finish the training right after the first of the year and he was looking forward to actually using his skills. Truth be told, his new career scared the shit out of me, but I kept up my supportive façade.

"So you never told me what you're doing at the mall the weekend before Christmas. Did you come to sit on Santa's lap and tell him your wishes?" I joked.

He chuckled. "No, no Santa's lap for me. Just doing some last minute shopping like you."

"Just a couple of brave souls huh? When do you get Kaylee?"

"She's not flying in until the Saturday after Christmas this year. That's going to be different." His mood faltered.

"Well, Jake is getting the kids at noon on Christmas day until New Years day. Do you…I could…would you like to spend Christmas with…me…keep each other company?" I flushed.

His grin grew wide on his face, and his crystal blue eyes sparkled. "I'd really love that Bella. Would you like to come to my place? I'd love to show it to you."

I flushed again and my smile grew wide. "I'd really like it too. Should I bring something for dinner?"

"How…how about I cook Christmas dinner for us?" He asked with his crooked grin and making my heart just about leap out of my chest.

"Sounds great." We smiled at each other. I could hardly contain my inner excitement. For the first time in almost eleven years, I would get to spend Christmas with Edward.

"So, I should probably get back to shopping. Wanna join me?"

"Sure. Let's go shopping!" he said, faking enthusiasm.

I giggled at him as we cleaned up our table and headed back into the mob of holiday shoppers. We laughed as we made fun of the gobs of people looking frantically for last minute gifts. A few times he placed his hand on the small of my back to guide me thru a doorway or crowd of shoppers. It was such an easy and natural feeling, and it sent sparks all through my body at such an innocent gesture. I've missed this.

A few hours later, I was done with what I needed to get and my feet were killing me from the hours of walking the mall.

"Thank God! I thought you were about to move into this place!" Edward joked.

"Ha ha. I just wanted to make sure they were super spoiled this year, meanie." I said as I bumped my shoulder into his.

"Spoiled indeed. Look at all this sh-stuff!" he said gesturing to several bags I had in my grasp.

I chuckled and shrugged. "At least they'll have fun opening them."

"That's for sure!" he smiled and winked.

It was getting late in the evening and Edward had offered to walk me to my car. As we made our way down to the parking garage, he grabbed the bags that took up my right hand and carried them for me. Just that small gesture made my heart swell and without thinking about it, I grabbed his free hand with mine and threaded our fingers. He glanced at me sideways and smiled. It just felt right and nothing needed to be said.

I pressed the button to unlock my truck and placed the packages behind the third row seat. It had been such a lighthearted afternoon and I didn't want it to end. I closed the rear hatch of my truck and turned to Edward. He had stepped back and had his hands in his pockets looking a little shy. He's so fucking beautiful!

"Thanks for spending a torturous afternoon at the mall with me." I teased.

"There is nothing torturous about spending time with you Bella. Even if it was at the mall." He stepped closer, placed his hands on my biceps and pressed his velvet lips to my forehead. My eyes fluttered closed. Breathe.

I cleared my throat as he stepped back. "So, umm where'd you park? Do you want me to drive you to your car?" I asked not really ready to leave him yet. It'd been months since I'd been able to get lost in his eyes, and how I have missed him…again.

"Actually, I thought of one more thing I wanted to see about picking up, so I am going to head back into the torture chamber." He joked.

I smiled at him, "Ok, well give me a call or text me later this week and let me know how to get to your new place."

"Will do." He paused and locked his eyes to mine. "I'm really looking forward to Christmas Bella."

"Me too Edward." I stood up on my tiptoes and placed a soft kiss on his cheek and then walked around to the driver-side door to get into my truck. Edward stepped back as I backed out of the parking spot and waved as I drove away.

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face the whole drive home. My heart was fluttering at the excitement of Christmas day. I couldn't wait to spend time with him again. I felt a calm come over me. I was becoming more independent and learning to take care of myself without any man. I had also been going to counseling to vent my frustrations and concerns with the divorce. I was learning how to live for myself again and having every other weekend to myself was allowing me the opportunity to be Bella again. I didn't have to be mommy or wife every hour of the day and night.

I believe I was also getting to the point where I was possibly ready to move forward with Edward. That is if he was ready also. It would take some time and effort on his part to prove to me that I could trust him again. But he said he was willing to do anything to prove that to me, I had to afford him the opportunity. I had to give us a chance. There was just too much love there to pass up. I was just terrified of getting too close again and him running away. That would take some serious work on his part.

It was peaceful around the house without the kids and I relished in the quiet. After pouring myself a glass of wine, I sat back on the sofa with a book. My feet were still throbbing from all that mall walking today as I propped them up on the ottoman. Just as I was about to dive head first into my novel, my phone began ringing.

Are you kidding?

Uncurling myself from my comfortable position on the couch, I grabbed my phone out of my purse. I felt giddy with excitement when I saw that it was Alice. I hadn't spoken to her in about a week, which was unusual for us.

"Hey sweet-ums! How are ya?" I answered happily but was greeted with silence. I heard her sniffle. "Alice? Alice what's wrong? Are you ok? Answer me!"

"Oh, Bella…" she sobbed.

"Alice what is it? Talk to me, you're freaking me out!" I was so confused. She was the liveliest person I knew. This wasn't like her at all.

"Bella…" she sobbed harder. "Oh Bella…I…I just…it's James."

"Talk to me. What happened? Did he…did he hurt you?" I asked, trying to hide the panic in my voice.

So quiet, I almost didn't hear her, she whispered, "Yes."

My adrenaline kicked in as I felt my heart rate spike and anger set in. "What the hell happened, Alice? Please start talking. You're scaring me." I pleaded.

I had never been a huge James fan, but she loved him so I did my best to support her. I couldn't stand the way that he talked to her. He was degrading, self-centered and short sighted. Everything was always about him and it infuriated me with how he made that apparent in their lives and marriage. He'd even done his very best to come between her and I on more than one occasion. I was sure that he was insanely jealous of how close hers and my relationship was. She could talk to me about anything and she would tell me everything and he hated it.

I heard her clear her throat as she tried to compose herself.

"I guess it's been coming for a while now. We haven't been getting along very well at all lately. I don't know what's been going on with us. Last night we had this huge argument and he'd been drinking. So, I got in my car, went to the gas station, took two hundred dollars out of savings and bought an Icee. Then I went down the road and got a hotel room. He didn't even bother calling to find out where I was all night long." She sighed.

"So, then this morning I thought we'd have both slept it off and I went back to the house. Bella…he was still drunk. I never thought he'd ever hurt me…" she started sobbing again. "…but when I answered his question about where I was all night, I saw a flash of anger in his face that I had never seen before. It was so terrifying Bells."

"Alice…God…" I breathed as I placed my head in my hands.

"He came at me so fast, grabbed me by my shoulders and slammed my back hard into the living room wall. I hit my head so hard that it made me see stars. I was begging him to stop but the grip he had on my shoulders was so tight and it hurt so bad and he slammed me into the wall again." She sniffed and cleared her throat again. "Then he…he…he slapped me across the face and I fell to the ground. He called me an ungrateful whore. Me. A whore? Can you believe that Bella? I've only ever been with him and he calls me a whore!" She was sobbing again.

I was now crying for my best friend. She was the last person on earth that deserved to be treated that way. I wanted to jump through the phone and hug her close. "Where are you now? Are you safe?" I asked her quietly.

"Yes, I'm at the police station. After he knocked me to the ground he stormed out of the house. I called 911 and the police came and brought me here until they can find him. They are waiting at my house for him to come home."

She sounded so broken and it split my heart in two. "Alice, I want you to fly out here. You don't need to be there alone for Christmas. You need to be here with the kids and me. I won't take no for an answer."

"Oh Bella…I couldn't…" she started.

"Did you hear me? I won't take no for an answer. You're obviously not going to be having a joyous holiday there alone, and I sure as hell am not going to let you spend it with him."

"You have no idea how bad I want to see you right now." She sobbed. " I would love to be there for Christmas. Ok…I'll call and get a ticket out there as soon as I can."

"Good. I hated the idea of thinking of you all alone out there."

"I know it's sort of a dumb question, but are you ok?"

"Yea, they had the EMT's check me out at the house, and other than a really fucking enormous headache and a bruised cheek…and a broken heart…I'm ok."

Poor Alice.

I gasped. "Alice! I'm so excited! I get to spend Christmas with you for the first time in what? Four years?" I laughed trying to lighten the mood.

She chuckled. "Crazy huh? Can we talk about something else? Get my mind off of this crap? How are things going with you and Jacob?"

"Oh, he's still being the same ol' Jacob. Refusing to do family things for the sake of the kids. Whatever. He's just being an ass."

"He'll regret it one day." She said softly.

"Guess who I saw today at the mall?" I asked shyly. I felt myself blushing too.

"I give up…who?"

"Umm…Edward." I tried to say without squealing.

"Oh my God, Bella! That's the first time since he moved there right?"

"Yep. We had a really good afternoon shopping and just spending time together doing nothing of significance." I sighed.

I suddenly remembered our plans to spend Christmas day together and half choked. Those plans would now have to be canceled. Alice needed me, and I would not abandon her when she needed me the most. Edward would understand. It broke my heart, but it was beginning to look like I would spend yet another Christmas without Edward.

Uh...oh...James has arrived...dun, dun, dun...