This is one of those chapters that had me rolling around on the floor screaming in frustration. You will notice that it's slightly shorter then usual (it's actually a reasonable length, I just haven't been writing reasonably lately I guess) and that is because I literally couldn't bare to write anymore. I am clearly way to involved in this weird little universe that I have stolen and skew to suit my whims.

Like, dude, seriously. I need a hug.

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"Meredith's awake," Alex crossed the NICU wearily and leaned against the counter.

Addison nodded but didn't look up.

"Did you kick the Anderson baby out of the spot by the window?" Alex looked around at the spot cleared out for Julie-Grey Shepherd. The nicest area with the newest machines and the most comfortable chairs, "You're blatantly playing favorites."

Addison didn't reply, but turned her head and rested her chin on the hand that Alex rested on her shoulder. "Meredith is awake?"

Alex nodded, "She's starting too. Either the drugs are wearing off slowly or she's just not ready to respond much yet."

"Does she…"

"She knows," Alex said slowly, "Derek tried to tell her what's going on, told her what she looks like, promised to bring her over to see her; but Meredith turned away from him and won't listening."

"Poor girl," Addison said softly, turning her gaze again to the baby. She smiled, "She looks like Derek, doesn't she."

Alex nodded, "She's got Meredith's frame though," he tapped a chart against her shoulder, "Derek wants you to go over things with Meredith, and Mark wants you to discharge his wife and daughters. Which conflict of interest do you want to deal with first?"

XXXX

"Meredith?"

Meredith unconsciously tensed; willing whomever it was to just go away. She didn't reply, she didn't move, she didn't acknowledge that Derek had entered the room. Meredith sensed him standing at the end of the bed waiting patiently, but choose to ignore him –– it worked with everyone else.

"Do you want to see Julie now?" Derek asked finally, "I can take you right now, she's been waiting to meet you."

Meredith squeezed her eyes tightly shut, tears escaping from the corners.

"Meredith," Derek soothed, "Let me take you to see her. She's beautiful. You'll feel so much better once you can touch her."

Meredith's jaw trembled and she clenched it in an effort to control herself.

"Trust me Mer," Derek rested a hand on her forearm, "It helps. I know how you are feeling and…"

"You don't know," Meredith rasped softly, surprising herself by speaking, "You don't know how I feel." She turned away as much as she could, ignoring the searing pain across her abdomen. Her sudden tears only intensified the dull ache she felt in her chest and the pit of her stomach, "She could die."

The room sank into a heavy silence only broken by Meredith's soft sobs. She heard nothing from Derek, and felt an inexplicable rage that he could possibly be feeling something less then the overwhelming sadness that she felt.

"Oh, Honey."

Meredith barely had time to register the door opening before she felt strong arms wrapping around her. Her body convulsed with sobs as Catherine ––Derek's mother –– held her, gently rocking her back and forth, her warm hands combing through her hair.

"There there," Catherine soothed as Meredith clung to her desperately, "Let it out. Just let it all out."

XXXX

Addison awoke to a light pressure on the back of her head. Her eye's fluttered open in confusion and she glanced up in surprise at Derek.

"I'm sorry I woke you."

"Now you're nice to me," she said quietly, marveling that the baby was still gripping lightly at her finger.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, dropping his hand from the back of her skull and sitting in the seat next to her, tentatively touching his daughters cheek, "She looks like me."

"She's beautiful," There was a long silence.

Derek smiled, "Julie."

Addison nodded, smiling softly, "It's perfect. Sweet."

Derek nodded. "I was up here all morning but you weren't…"

"I was working Derek," she replied softly. She gently traced the line of Julie's foot, "I went down to see you and Meredith but you were up here."

"Meredith is so scared," Derek confided, "I can barely leave her to come up and see Julie. Meredith… she just needs me right now."

Addison held back a reply.

"At least in here Julie has you looking out for her."

Addison smiled, "Ya, we've been getting to know each other."

Derek smiled, "Oh ya?"

Addison smiled, "She reminds me of Kathleen."

"Oh no."

Addison laughed, "If we try to open the blinds when she's sleeping she will literally hold her breath until we close them. And you do not want to know the trouble she causes if her bedding is not to her liking. These are baby blankets that over indulgent parents have left here, she tenses her whole body up if you put her on the hospital blankets."

Derek chuckled.

"She's definitely a Shepherd," Addison teased softly, "Look at that hair."

Derek brushed his fingertips over the wispy strands of dark brown hair.

"I think she might end up looking like Andi," Addison continued, "I'm not fooled by those McDreamy baby blues, I think they'll end up hazel like your sisters. And she already has that cute little nose."

"How's she doing? Medically."

Addison sighed and rested her chin on her forearm. She looked at Derek a long moment and then back to the sleeping baby. She sighed again, "I'm doing everything I can think of."

Derek nodded slowly.

Addison reached behind her chair to the counter and picked up the chart. She handed it to Derek and resumed her position leaning against the ledge of the incubator, her fingers lightly stroking the baby's leg. "We have her on the transplant list for a kidney. Her bowel and intestinal function is low, but we can help that. And, she has a heart murmur that worries me. But we are running tests and seeing what our opinions our. There are options Derek."

Derek sighed and cupped the crown of the baby's head against the palm of his hand.

"She's breathing on her own," Addison reminded him quietly, "She was fighting the ventilator from the moment we put her on it."

"You did an MRI?"

"She wasn't responding well to stimuli," Addison admitted.

"What did…"

"We both know how resilient kids brains are Derek," she reminded him, "Other parts pick up the slack."

He stared at her steadily trying to decipher the truth from the hope she was trying to give him. "What are her chances? Realistically, of getting the transplant, of treating the murmur, doing all the things she needs."

"She's so small, Derek," Addison refused to look at him, "But I'm going to find a way."

Derek nodded and rubbed his hands over his face. His eyes burned. "Can you help me," he paused, and swallowed hard, "unhook her?"

Addison stared at him in surprise.

"Meredith can't make decisions now, she's on pain medications and sedatives," Derek said shakily, "She doesn't want to see Julie like this and… I want her to be able to hold her daughter without being crowded by machines."

Addison nodded, blinking furiously.

Derek stared at all the machines; "Meredith shouldn't have to remember her like this."

Addison stood. She met Derek's eye and nodded. Silently they ––together­­–– began removing all the wires, tubing, needles and monitors. Addison found a soft pink blanket, the tag promising 73 cashmere, and gently swaddled the baby before placing her in Derek's arms.

Derek stood rooted to the spot for a moment, swaying back and forth. "I should bring Mom up to see her first," he said softly.

"I'll go get her," Addison offered, moving past him.

She paused at the door and turned back.

Stepping over to Derek, she rested a hand on his arm while leaning over to kiss Julie's soft cheek, "I'm glad we got to meet."

XXXX

It was the first time Addison had ever stepped foot in the hospital chapel. She wasn't fond of church beyond the traditional Christmas service. She didn't like the idea that there was something bigger out there, that things were pre-destined; she didn't like to think that she wasn't in control.

She sat down in the nearest seat to the door and buried her face in her hands. The grief that she had been holding back escaped all at once as tears pooled in her palms and dripped down her wrists.

Meredith's friends turned in their seats to stare at her –– to stunned to react.

Understanding flooded the room.

Richard stared at his palms for a moment then stood and lit a candle.

Bailey, quite matter-of-factly, knelt on the floor and clasped her hands –– praying.

Mark's strong frame shuddered with tears from his seat directly in front of Addison's. Without stopping to think about it, he switched seats, wrapping his arms around her and letting his tears fall into her hair.

They sat in silence, wrapped up in their shared grief until the door opened and Catherine entered and took the seat next to Addison. She hugged Addison tightly and smoothed her hand over hair, "Addison listen to me," she whispered against her hair, "You gave them time with their daughter," she pulled back to look Addison in the eye, "If you hadn't been here they would have lost Julie before she was even born. You gave them time with her."

Addison nodded and buried her face against Catherine's neck.

Catherine reached out and rested a hand on Mark's shoulder, including him in their embrace. Only then did she cry.

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Derek stepped into Meredith's room, smiling as she looked over at him, "Look who I brought."

He watched as realization washed over her face. He stepped over to the bed and Meredith reached out her arms, eager to hold her baby.

She cradled the baby against her chest, studying every feature. She smiled, "She looks just like you."

"You think?" Derek sat on the bed with her.

"Except her ears. She has my ears. They don't stick out."

Derek chuckled.

"She's pretty don't you think?"

"She's very pretty."

"Look at her eyelashes,' Meredith smiled, "She'd never have to waste money on an eyelash curler.

Derek wrapped his arm around her and kissed her temple.

Meredith carefully unwrapped the blanket and examined each finger, freckle, wrinkle and toenail. She bent over and kissed the tiny bruise the IV had left on Julie's foot, "I thought I was going to have more time to do this, to kiss her better. I thought I was going to have more time to be her Mom."

Derek pulled her closer to him, "You'll always be her Mom."

Meredith nodded, her slight frame trembling with sadness, "But I can't kiss her better."

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I'm sad.

Cheer me up ­­(with reviews preferably)