So. I know. I have no excuse this time, that was a long time between updates. I apologize. But, good news. I have a new baby. Her name is Eloise and she arrived Monday morning –– just under 6 lbs –– by stork (aka Fed-Ex). We are all super excited. So this is the first chapter of fic ever to be written with Eloise and she will be very sad if you don't like it.
That said, I tried something new (I feel that you dread when I say those words). On the bright side those of you that were vomiting on the MerDer in the last chapter might like this one a bit more because even though it's just them, it's not all about them. Does that make sense?
In unrelated news, I can hear the hail falling outside which I'm thinking will ruin tomorrow's travel plans
IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT THE CHAPTER: Well. It's more 'therapy' and you may have to use your imaginations a little bit cause I just wrote dialogue, there are no little details that tell like tone or that they are fidgeting, you have to decide that for yourself. The only little… 'hints' that I gave you is that "––––––––" means that time has passed silently while someone thought about something, Oh, AND watch the quotation marks cause sometimes their dialogue runs on for a couple blocks without the other person cutting in, so if there aren't closing quotes at the end of a little block then that person is going to keep talking. What I kinda pictured was like… your listening to voice recordings of the sessions. But you can picture whatever you want.
The first rule of fic writing should be that chapters shouldn't need long paragraphs explaining how to read the chapter… or that no one talks about fight club... Go team.
Enjoy.
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"I've been having an affair with my ex-wife."
" –––––– I see. You want to talk about it?"
"–––––––It started... almost 2 years ago now, she ended it when we found about Meredith's pregnancy. When we ––––– it ended badly. We didn't talk for almost 6 months, until... she delivered Julie. –––––– It's just... do you believe in Karma?"
"Do you?"
"I should have expected that."
"I think that we attribute Karma to events that we would other wise just regard as a part of life."
"Yeah. ––– But... It doesn't feel like that. It always comes back. Always. I treat my wife badly, she cheats. I lie to Meredith, Addison scares her away. I seriously took advantage of my wife on the night that we met and she went back to her boyfriend the next day. I didn't try hard enough to fix things with her and she left me and locked herself in a hotel room with my naked best friend for a week. I was 3 hours late for dinner one night and she had a headache for a month and a half."
"And you think that that's Karma?"
"I don't know what it is. Addison might just be a conniving vengeful little bitch ––– I'm not… she'd think that was funny, I'm not being mean –––––– It just seems like… the first time I was with Addison, after the divorce, Meredith was in the car accident –– at the exact same time. Exactly. And then when we were... we were together for a year and… we talked about leaving Meredith and Geoff –– thats Add's… fiance –– I was just about to talk to Meredith and suddenly she was pregnant and Julie was sick and then she was gone ––– it just feels that I'm being punished for something."
"Something?"
"But I… I couldn't help myself. I didn't want this."
"Why ––– do you feel, that you need both relationships? –––––––––– What, do you get from your relationship with Meredith? Why do you enjoy being with her?"
"I… –––– We just belong together. We found each other, we fought for each other. It's like we were lost in the woods and we bumped into each other and together we figured out how to survive and get out."
"Okay…––– Why don't you explain it to me without using metaphors. Metaphors work better as excuses or explanations of things we don't understand. I think this is something that you understand."
"She... I met her one night at a bar. She was it. I needed a new life and she was just it. I was starting a new job in a new city with a new home, everything was new. But nothing felt different, it just felt like I was... waiting. Not... I just felt like... nothing. I didn't care about the new city or the new job or the new home, I didn't care about anything. Everything seemed so pointless and meaningless ––– I'm not laughing this just seems, so ridiculous to be talking about now ––– I was just waiting –– either for the courage to go back to my wife, for her to suffer enough that I could go back and feel that her pain was comparable to mine or for my wife to come find me in Seattle. But then Meredith was there and was just something about us that was the same. She was starting a new life and so I was I and I wanted someone to start my life with. I didn't want to be alone. I thought I did, I thought I wanted to be alone in the woods because there was no way that I would ever share my life with someone else, but Meredith's life was as new as mine. She had the new job and the new city and the new home, she even had secrets like I did. We were the same. I like having someone that... I feel that at the very center of who we are, our souls or whatever you want to call it, I feel that that piece of us is the same –– that we get each other and feel each other on a very basic level."
"Very good. But then why did you pursue a relationship with your ex-wife?"
"I don't have a good answer for that."
"Try."
"I can't"
"Do you think that you have residual feelings for her?"
"It's not like that, at all, with us. She's just there. I can't just ignore that she's here. I see her every day, and she's just... I don't know. I came home from work one day and just suddenly she wasn't my wife anymore. She could never be that person again. We tried to work it out, but we can't be married to each other anymore. We ruined that relationship. But she's still that person, she's still her and I'm still me. And we can be together without... being who we were. I realize that that doesn't make sense, but... I dunno. I'm just with her. She's not my wife, she's just Addison, we don't have to deal with all the problems that we had because that was a different relationship with different people. Those people were married, they had responsibilities towards each other, they weren't happy. With her now, it's just the good stuff."
"But why? ––––––––– Why are you happy now when you couldn't be happy then? What have you done to your relationship that has changed the dynamics between the two of you?"
"I don't know –––––– I guess we are happy because, I think, we... made our relationship one... where... the unhappiness is, i guess, with other people… –––– That's not right is it? –––– God ––––I just want to be with her, without the huge mess we made of our life. I just want... she was the love of my life and I want it back. I want that life back. Her back. I want that back. –––––– But I can't have that. I can't have what I want with her ––"
"Why?"
"Why? Because we would kill each other. We would actually kill each other. If we have that fight one more time –– if I have to think about her like that ever again –– we won't make it."
"So this is better?"
"It's the way it has to be, my future is with Meredith, I've always know that. Addison is nostalgia."
"Okay."
"What? Why are you..."
"Why am I accepting that and not pushing it? I think that you are going to spend the next week repeating what you just said to me to yourself. You don't need me to push it. Besides, your hour is up."
"What do I pay you for then?"
"I'm not really sure. ––––––– Listen Derek, you can love them both but you can't be with them both, thats all I can tell you. I know its seems like you can have the best of both worlds, but you are just cheating yourself and them. Eventually someone is going to want more from you and you are going to want more from them."
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"It's not that I don't think that he would understand, I just … I don't think that he would get it, you know?"
"Pretend that I don't."
"Well. I think that intellectually he would understand but he really wouldn't... know… I dunno."
"Emotionally maybe?"
"Ya. Emotionally I don't think he would understand."
"Have you tried explaining it to him?"
"I… I wouldn't know how."
"Practice on me."
"I dunno… It was, I just don't know, I was looking forward to being a mom, maybe. But not like… I wanted to skip all the baby stuff with her. I couldn't wait for her to be older so I could do things with her and play with her, read to her, talk to her. I didn't… I wanted to have… I wanted her too… I wanted to put her first but not have her ever know it. I wanted her to think it was normal for me to pick her up everyday from school or play dolls with her and stay home from work when she's sick and bring her ginger ale and saltines. I didn't want those things to be a special occasion.
And maybe it's selfish of me –– I don't know –– but I think that Derek would just think that this is some sort of weird issue with my parents, and thats fair and probably part of it, but isn't that what you are suppose to want for your kids? Things that you didn't have? Derek had a perfect childhood. He has sisters and an amazing mother, he was lucky, I wanted my daughter to have that and I wanted to be a part of it too.
I think that Derek would just pity me"
"Is that fair?"
"No. I don't want him to pity me, I want him to understand that I lost more then just a baby. I lost a whole life."
"I think..."
"She was my chance. She was keeping me sane and grounded, I had to pull myself together cause I had someone that needed me to be strong."
"Meredith, we are almost out of time but this is very good. Very good. I'm proud of you."
"–––– Thank you."
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"I don't want to think it, but I do."
"Have you asked Meredith about it?"
"I don't want…We went out to dinner last night –– just pizza –– but it's the first time she's smiled since… she smiled the first time she held Julie."
"What made her smile last night?"
"I don't know, she was just relaxed."
"Why?"
"No no, she wasn't drinking. She's been good about that. She has amazing control when she wants too."
"Then why are you connecting dinning out to her pregnancy?"
"Because if I talk to her about it, if I ask, there won't be anymore nights like last night. She won't be smiling and insisting that Parmesan cheese will make the pizza taste better."
"So you don't want to upset her?"
"No."
"Have you considered that maybe this is something that she might want to talk about. My experience with Meredith is that she is quite willing to talk about her past problems."
"Not with me. ––––––––––––– She doesn't really talk to me about these things. It was different when we were here together, I don't know why, but when it's just us she doesn't really talk about things."
"Do you ask?"
"No."
"Do you want her to talk to you about these things?"
"I want… I think that she thinks that I'd rather not know."
"Is she right?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'd rather not."
"What don't you want to know?"
"This is what kills people, these moments right here. This is why people drive off bridges and wash their sleeping pills down with vodka or expensive brandy. –––––– I don't want her to tell me that she was taking pills while she was carrying our daughter. I don't want her to tell me that this could have turned out different."
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"Has Derek said anything about it?"
"You know I can't tell you that. But I know it worries him."
"Ya…"
"Is it something that you want to talk about today?"
"No. I dunno. I guess. I have a friend that I talk to about it sometimes, she helps. She calls every couple of days and we just talk."
"Someone from work?"
"No. She's actually kind of a life coach. She deals mostly will oxycontinent dependancy, I met her after I had the accident."
"You're finding she's helping?"
"I think so. She's says it's because I've seen her in a sever state of intoxication so it balances things out. She's easy to talk to about it."
"You said she's a life coach?"
"Yes. Oh, no. It wasn't like that. She's Derek's ex-sister-in-law and she was in Seattle once over her birthday and Derek and I ended up escorting them home after searching every seedy bar in the city for them."
"Addison's sister?"
"Ya."
"She counceled you on your dependancy?"
"Yes. How did you know Addison was his… does he talk about her?"
"You know I can't…"
"I know, I know."
"She delivered Julie didn't she? ––– Meredith?"
"Ya, she did. ––––––– He didn't tell you… no, never mind."
"What is it Meredith?"
"No. Nothing I was just wondering what he said about her… and us. You probably can't say anything."
"No. Sorry."
"It's fine. I guess I wouldn't want you tell him what we talk about, so…"
"What wouldn't you want me to say?"
"I don't know. Just things… nevermind."
"–––– Okay. Let's get back to your friend…"
"Adrienne?"
"Yes. What do you talk about?"
"Just, whatever is going on. It's kinda like what I think having an AA sponsor would be like, except she's really funny and unconventional. Her kids are named after gemstones."
"Have you ever thought about that?"
"What? AA?"
"You might benefit from the structure."
"Maybe. I dunno, I just don't think that I'd fit in."
"Why not?"
"Well. It's this idea that Adrienne and I have been tossing around, she says it's an excuse but, I dunno, I think it makes sense and she cautiously-somewhat-sort-of agrees. –– I just think, maybe, for me drinking isn't really only a problem, maybe it's helping?"
"Why would you say that?"
"I'm not excusing it, or saying it's the best way… but I think it helps. I mean, either I forget everything that has happened, which I think I sometimes need; or I can talk about it. Either way it helps."
"Be that as it may, Meredith, this kind of behavior only helps in the short term."
"But all I've got is short term, I can't think long term; I'm still just trying to make it through the day and remember to keep breathing."
XXXX
" Addison? She's… stubborn as hell, and you never know what she is mad about. She says she's passive aggressive, but really she's just being difficult. Like she'll say she's mad because I forgot to pick up milk for her coffee when really all I did was change the channel when she wasn't watching Jeopardy. But she's funny. Hilarious, or expressive might be the word. And kind, she's nice even when she's being a bitch, and she can be a huge bitch when she want's to be. And she has passion for everything that she does, everything. She's an excellent doctor –– driven, compassionate, talented.
And she's, just, beautiful."
XXXX
"I've been thinking… well wondering. Do you think that he'd do it again? ––– I know, you can't really answer that. I just want to ask, you know? If he could go back and do it all again would he have let things get bad with Addison? Like… does he wish that that had never happened? Would he have gone through it again so we could be together?"
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Okay. Not going to lie. I have 3 different versions of this chapter. I mean it's the same content but the formatting is different (and one has the little extra stuff in Derek's sections –– like inner-thoughts and descriptive detail) and the other I decided was just to confusing to read cause there was spaces with each long pause… well, I dunno if it was harder to read… it was easier and harder. Whatever.
I PROMISE that I won't write anymore weird chapters for awhile. And I had a sudden burst of inspiration like 10 days ago and mapped out the next 5 chapters (which will bring us to the end of the section). So thats exciting. There is an end in sight. A light at the end of the tunnel if you will.
Leave Eloise some lovin'.