The main feeling flowing through Maria's mind as she walked along the train with Georg was embarrassment.
Embarrassment for the fact that she had fallen asleep, her head on Georg's shoulder, on the way to the train station. Maria had woken up to the sound of Georg's soft laugh and the feeling of his fingers brushing her cheek. She had tried to apologize but Georg didn't let her, reasoning that it had been a long day for everyone.
She also felt embarrassment from her very recent good-bye to Max. Aside from reassuring her that the children would be well and good, he had also reassured Maria about another matter entirely, though it the most subtle way possible. Just the fact that she was being talked to about it was enough to make her even more uncomfortable.
A pink tinge still remained in her cheeks as the train conductor led their way down the hallway towards their private, first-class compartment. On top of that, her feeling of sleepiness was very obvious, especially with how heavy her eyelids and feet felt. She wanted to, again, rest her head on Georg's shoulder, but before she could, they had reached their door.
As Georg tipped the conductor and handed him their tickets to punch, Maria took the opportunity to look around their private room. The colors were maroon, green and gold, a theme in the room. There was a table set for two by the door, and a small sofa by the train windows. A door on the side wall led to a small bathroom, but before she could wonder about the mechanics of that, her gaze fell on something that made her insides freeze.
After he had shut the door to their compartment and locked it, Georg began to feel his own exhaustion catch up with him. A long, eventful, wonderful day it had been. Smiling, he turned to look at his wife. But she was not looking at him. Her gaze and body were turned towards the queen-sized bed in the compartment, with wide eyes and a very pale face.
She looked scared.
When he gently took her hand, his wife jumped slightly and turned to face him. Instantly, she had placed a smile on her face, but her eyes weren't really with it.
"I'll leave you some privacy to change into your nightgown, and go into the bathroom, all right?"
Maria merely nodded, and felt a lump rise in her throat when she heard such a gentle tone in his voice.
After kissing her forehead, Georg picked up his own bag and went into the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind him.
Finding herself alone, Maria brought her hands to her face and pressed hard. She was so stupid! He had seen it, her fear, when she had promised herself that, no matter what, she would not show her fear. How on Earth was she supposed to be a dutiful wife now?
Needing to do something to keep her tears back, Maria knelt down and began to go through her small bag. She found two nightgowns, both white. One had been a wedding present from one of the society ladies: lace at the hem, landing on her mid-thigh (possibly a bit higher), spaghetti straps, and a plunging V-neckline that didn't leave much to the imagination.
Blushing, she hastily pushed that one deep within the bag and pulled out the second nightgown. This one was much more her taste: ankle length, soft material, blouse-like top.
As she changed, she felt the sounds and sensations of the train being set in motion. Carrying her away from all she had known, her panic-stricken mind thought.
Georg took his time changing out of his suit into his nightclothes, wanting to give Maria as much time as she needed.
When he finally opened the door very softly and got a glimpse of her, his heart broke. There she was, sitting on the side of the bed, upright and rigid. hands shaking in her lap, and that same expression he had seen earlier on her newly pale face.
This wasn't fear; this was terror.
Unbidden, a similar memory came back to him when he had seen a woman doing exactly this. Of course, it was Agathe. It had been about a year after Brigitta had been born, and her most recent pregnancy had resulted in a miscarriage. His memory consisted of seeing Agathe sitting in an examination room on a table in a thin gown, terrified to be examined but even more terrified if this examination resulted in the knowledge she would no longer be able to bear children. Thankfully, it had not come to that and two healthy girls had followed. But he still remembered the fear that had come before that.
Now he saw Maria sitting there, as if awaiting an uncomfortable medical exam. The very last thing that he wanted her to feel.
Softly, he walked towards her, and it wasn't until he stood right in front of her that she noticed his presence. She jumped a little again, and this time didn't disguise the feelings in her eyes. Again, his heart wrenched for her
Wordlessly, Georg held out his hands to her. Automatically, she took them, and allowed him to pull her to her feet. "Come," he said softly, and led her to the sofa. He was glad to see some of the fear disappear from her face, if only to be replaced with confusion.
They sat down on the small sofa close together, and Georg held both of her hands in his and looked at her.
"Um . . ." began Maria, not even sure of what to say. So she asked the only thing on her mind. "W-what would you like me to do now."
He offered a sad, understanding smile. His answer was the last thing she expected. "I want you to tell me what I can do that will not make you fear me."
Her eyes widened and she became incredulous. Yes, she feared a few things that were sure to come tonight but her sea captain? "Georg, never! I've never and will never be afraid of you! Please don't think that."
Georg kissed her hands. "Thank you, Maria. I just wanted to be sure. But I would like to ask you to tell me what you are afraid of, for I can see that in your eyes."
Instinctively, she lowered them, ashamed of her naïve fears. But he wouldn't have that. He cupped her chin and raised her face to look at him.
"You have nothing to be ashamed of, my love," he said firmly. "Absolutely nothing. I think I can guess why you may be afraid now, but I would like to hear it from you. I don't want you to ever be afraid to talk to me about anything, no matter what."
Maria suddenly felt all of her fears and nervousness being overcome by the immense love she felt for this man, now her husband. Yes, she trusted him completely. So, she started to talk. It took her a few minutes before she could say everything she wanted without being embarrassed, but the fact that Georg sat beside her with no intention of interruption or judgment helped a great deal. She talked of how she knew the basic physical act but nothing more. How thinking about it in the Abbey made her feel ashamed, combined with her time as a postulant that didn't help. She spoke of how the Bible spoke of the act being something that had to be endured, and how her encounter with the inebriated wedding guests had described it as being "impaled."
Georg listened, and now he understood completely. He had assumed she would be nervous, but he hadn't quite factored in how her years as a postulant would affect her in this; of course she would be terrified. After all, she had come from a place where lust was a deadly sin. The only thing that made him clench his jaw in anger a little was hearing the entire conversation she'd had with those women. He'd only heard the last line, when one woman had said it was obvious she had never been his "plaything" by her embarrassment in the conversation.
After a few moments of taking in this information, with Maria waiting in nervous silence after revealing everything, Georg squeezed her hands and looked at her. "Maria, do you know why the act is called 'making love'?"
Blushing slightly, Maria shook her head.
"There is a reason for that. It is so much more than what you know, or what anybody has told you. It is when two people give all of themselves to each other, expressing their love in actions, finally coming the closest two people can come, becoming one flesh, if I may quote Genesis.
"For example, when I touch you or kiss you, that gives you pleasure, right?"
Still blushing, Maria said very quietly, "Yes."
Georg smiled. "That is part of making love, Maria. The pleasure you feel during those acts is only a mere fraction of the pleasure that awaits you, when we become one in body."
Maria heaved a deep breath, and asked, "Why is this kept so quiet, then?"
Georg chuckled. "I've been told it's to keep girls from going out to seek it before marriage. It is the mission of women – and parents – to keep this secret from their young people until they are legally joined and married."
Maria chuckled too; that made perfect sense from a man who had five daughters. Something still confused her. "But that woman . . . she said you would 'impale' me . . . that sounds so horrible and what you describe doesn't at all . . ."
Georg sighed, his thumb stroking the soft skin on the back of her hand. "For a woman, the first time a man enters a woman and breaks her maidenhead, it does hurt a little. You may even bleed a little. But that is natural, and only for the first time. And I would make a good bet that the woman who used that word to describe the marital act does not have a loving relationship with her husband."
"Oh, really?"
"Mm-hm," said Georg, now looking a bit angry. "If a man only cares about his pleasure, it makes the act very uncomfortable for a woman, so I daresay it would feel like being impaled. That is not making love; that is a selfish and ungrateful husband." He looked at his bride intently. "As for myself, I intend to only and always make love to you."
Maria gave a small and grateful smile. She found she was getting more comfortable talking about this. More than anything, she was relieved to have this knowledge, not just half-truths and rumors. "So, you are not angry with me? I never meant for you to think I was afraid of you."
"Of course not, Maria. And thank you for not being afraid of me. After six weeks apart and suddenly being completely alone together, I cannot deny it would cross my mind."
Maria cupped his cheek, stroking his jaw line with her thumb. "I think I proved that day I fell in the lake that it was impossible for me ever to fear you."
They shared a laugh, and Georg kissed the inside of her wrist.
"Besides, my fears did not lay with you, but on the fact that I had no idea what to expect. Now that I have a better idea, those fears are receding somewhat. Now I am only afraid I will not . . . or I won't be what you expect me to be."
Georg gave her a blazing look, and pressed his forehead to hers. "Never worry about that. Ever. There is nothing, absolutely nothing about you that I would change. All right?"
Maria nodded. He opened his arms to her, and she snuggled against his chest. For a few moments, they just sat like that on the sofa. But when Maria couldn't quite stifle a yawn, Georg smiled and pulled them both to their feet. "And now, I think we should get some sleep."
Maria's eyes shot all the way open and she looked at her husband in shock. "But Georg, what about . . ."
He smiled and cupped her face. "When you agreed to be my wife, I vowed that I would make this first time for you and with you as special as was within my power to give you. And that vision did not have a train or pretty thin walls in it."
She was stunned. "Are you sure?" she asked timidly, still not quite believing what she was hearing.
He nodded. "I will not be one of those selfish husbands that uses their wives to satisfy their desires and then toss them aside. Wives are to be treasured and loved. How can I demand so much of you after the circumstances of our history and engagement . . . and not be one of them?" He kissed her forehead. "Besides, I have been without you for six weeks. For now, it is enough that I can even touch you at all."
Tears came to Maria's eyes again, but these were tears of pure love. She buried her face in his chest and held him tight. "I don't deserve you," she said in an uneven voice.
"I can easily and successfully debate that," he murmured in her ear. Pulling away, he looked at her, a twinkle in his heavy-lidded eyes. "Now, I think I'm just as tired as you are after such an eventful day. Let's get some sleep."
Maria smiled, a full genuine smile. She really was so blessed. She kissed him, letting the kiss express all she felt for him, innocent as the act was, before they each settled on one side of the bed. For a moment, they just looked at each other. Then Maria asked softly, "Hold me?"
Georg smiled and said, "Lie down and turn around."
A little confused, Maria obeyed nevertheless. He turned off the lights and the room became dark. Before she could ask anything though, she felt Georg's warm body spooning hers, his arm coming around her waist, his warm breath on her neck. The young bride felt a warmth spread throughout her body, the same warmth one would feel when wrapped in a favorite blanket. The experience was so intimate, she wanted to cry. But for now, she took his hand and kissed it, keeping it in hers.
"Good night, my wife," he breathed, kissing the back of her neck.
"Good night, my husband," she murmured.
Exhaustion caught up with her, and Maria had never felt more comfortable in a bed before. Any worries she'd had about sharing a bed with another had long flown out the window; now she couldn't imagine being comfortable without this feeling.
Feeling his body so close, touching hers, Maria thought over what Georg had told her tonight, as she listened to the rhythmic train and his even breathing. All this combined to make her cover a truth she had long been suppressing: she wanted him. Now she had him in heart and soul, but now she wanted him in body too. Not all of her insecurities and fears had faded completely yet, but she no longer denied to herself or let herself be ashamed of the fact that she wanted and desired her husband.
With that thought, she joined her husband in the most peaceful sleep either had had in a long time.
A/N: Now THAT'S what I call a good husband: putting his wife before himself. In the next chapter, they will arrive in Paris! Stay tuned and please review!