It's Nessers again.

Finished talking about my family in my fake journal (did I mention we had to write in it daily?) and now back to this one. This one's way more fun anyway. If typing random thoughts onto a word document can be classified as fun, that is.

…

I am a sad, sad person.

Back to normal stuff. OH WAIT. There are no normal stuff. Today I yelled at Jake. It was partly his fault, but I still feel bad. I mean, how would you like it if someone stopped you from talking to your friends, even having friends, talking to the one you lov-

Okay, I'm not going to go into that.

So today, I had the rare chance of actually sitting with people I could actually call friends. This was the day where no one, not even dad, could mess with. I smiled, I made conversation, I socialised and tried to make the Cullen image less scary. However, a certain Jacob Black decided that he could mess with my schedule and walked over and plucked me from my delightful circle of friends. After he finally let go of me, I immediately asked him why the hell did he do what he just did.

And guess what?

He simply replied with a: Oh, Nessykins (or something like that. I hatehatehate the stupid mushy nicknames he gives me! HATE, I SAY. HATE!) my darling my all, (Cheesy, much?!) I thought we could spend some alone time together.

Believe me, I did not want to have (air quote) alone time (end air quote) with Jake. That'd be like… Like screwing around with your best friend. Which was exactly what he was doing, by the way. Being lost for words, I decided to get angry.

COISJKDPASKS;ADASKJ DNQSO238729

That's me taking out my anger on the keyboard, by the way. It's strangely satisfying. Keyboard therapy. Heh heh.

JIDSKAPOPDA[PE9239EQOAL

…

I'm going crazy, aren't I?

And uh… IkindofaccidentallypunchedJakeintheface.

…

I'll leave this for a second to re-digest this (oh god, re-digest? I am going crazy. I'm officially the first half-vampire to go nutty. Three cheers for me?) piece of information.

…

I'm a bad person.

Wait, my mom's comi-

Okay, back. Like I so eloquently put above, my mom just came in. Then she told me the awesomest real-life-story ever. She said she punched Jake in the face as well for kissing her and broke her hand. Then she ruffled my hair and told me not to punch Jake, (OH, SO I WASN'T EVEN ALLOWED TO HIT HIM NOW!) because he was unhappy. And 'cause he imprinted on me and all, the pain just magnified a thousand fold. I can't imagine momma having a broken hand though- she's always so… so… indestructible. Oh, way to state the obvious, Ness. But… yeah.

If I punched Jake in the face for every time he kissed me… Let's just say if he still possessed a face, it wouldn't be pretty.

I don't like it when Jake just kisses me like that, or when he just holds my hand. We never even went through the whole dating thing. Y'know, the whole bring-a-girl-to-a-fancy-restaurant thing, or the movie thing. Nope, nada. I feel… cheated. Yep, cheated. He didn't even try to work for my to love him. I know I loved him when I was younger (read: less than a year old) but… it's changed.

And I think I'm crying real tears again (I haven't cried for ages, but that story's for another time) 'Cause I don't love Jake, and he's irreversibly in love with me. Plus I'm madly in love with another guy, who I think might just like me back.

A tiny bit.

Well, he kissed me behind the forest where we hunted (Jake was chasing a herd of deer our way, so yeah) and told me that he didn't care that I was the possession of a dirty dog.

Hey, I take great offense at the term 'possession' when it's used on me. And even though I don't love Jake in that way, he's still my best friend and I care for him. I told him as much.

But he smiled and ruffled my hair, apologising and laughing. Then he told me that Jake was heading our way and took off.

Oh god, I think I love him.

More than just like.

Love is so god damn confusing, you know that? And I'm scared, so scared I could cry. And I'm not even joking. I'm feeling so insecure right now, so terrified just because of the fact that I don't know what the hell is going on within me.

Does he really like me, or is he just pulling me along? 'Cause if he is, I'd like to know. And I'll stop loving before it's too late. I swear to God, if he is, I will tear him apart, then break down and cry and put him back together. Because I like him too much. I've always liked him too much.

And now I have to suffer for it.

There are so many questions and I don't know any of the answers. All I can do is love blindly, hoping that somewhere along the way that his love can reach out to me as well. Otherwise I'll just be there, loving a dream while there's a wall that blocks me from him.

Wow.

I'm deep.

...

What is happening to me? I'm supposed to love Jake, not my dark dashing vampire. Hey, this is like what happened to my mom. Except that Jake actually imprinted on me.

I HATE this feeling. Why do I feel so… so… obligated to love him? He's my best friend after all, I don't want to see him hurt. And…

OH MY GOD I AM TURNING INTO MY MOM!

But if he calls me his 'fluffy little lumpkin', I will tear him to pieces. I can and trust me, I will. Yeah… Anyway. Will I end up like my mom? With the one I, uh, like a lot slash love?

Or will I have to get married (ick, just thinking about it makes me nauseous) to Jake? Like… stay with him for the-

I just realised something.

I'm going to live forever.

And Jake probably can, if he wants to.

…

And my vampire (secret love) is immortal as well.

Aww, snap.