A/N: Hi everyone! I think you all will enjoy this. This idea was a special request from Shara Michelle. I give you a special thanks for the awesome idea! I hope everyone enjoys reading this as much or even more so than I enjoyed writing it! Just so everyone knows, I laughed my ass off when writing this. Rated T by the way for some swearing and minor sexual references.
Your Phone Knows You Better Than You Think
C.C. Babcock was twitching in anticipation with excitement. Their musical was expected to be a huge success. The advertisements around town had been splendid and everywhere she went, she saw enormous billboards and posters with the beautifully designed artwork on them. Surely they would catch the eye of many people around the city.
She just needed to make sure the ad in the paper was done correctly as well. Opening it up she saw that everything looked great, that is, until she got down to the production company. Sheffield-Boobcock productions. God damn it! That wretch! I will kill him!
"NILES!" she screamed hoping he heard the extreme irritation and anger in her tone.
But she got no answer.
"NILES!"
The door opened, but in came, not Niles, but Fran Fine.
"Ms. Babcock, I can hear ya from the 3rd floor! What is the matter, Niles is not here. He went grocery shopping, or to a Butler's meeting. I don't know, I am not really sure about him anymore."
"Well, that no good toilet brush, spelled my name wrong in what was an otherwise full proof and splendid ad for our new musical. Oh when I get my hands on him."
Fran just had a look of discomfort on her face; as she listened to C.C. speak. She was not one to cross this fiery woman when she was on a rampage. She wanted to leave the room immediately, especially given that Maxwell was already at the theatre and it was just her and Babcock in the office. No, she definitely needed to escape the pit of hell.
"Oh Ms. Babcock, as much I adore this lovely chat we are having, I really must go. I have to pick up Maggie from school."
And with that, she scurried out of the room, leaving C.C. to fume in her own rage.
That damn no good butler! If I were Mrs. Sheffield, surely I would have fired his ass years ago. Well he will hear it from me, right now, I am sure he has his phone with him. Let me text that no good, rotten excuse for a man.
…
A/N: (Names are who the texts are from and how they have each other saved in their phones i.e. Niles has C.C. saved as Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway and she has him saved as Toilet Brush. Things in italics will be what is happening. Bold and italics are thoughts of characters)
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: How dare you put Boobcock as my name in that ad. You are not only making me look like an idiot, but you could be hurting the company with mistakes like that.
Toilet Brush: Oh, surely you don't mean that. I think that would draw more attention. Boobcock has such a nice ring to it.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Can it dust buster, when are you coming home?
Toilet Brush: You miss me that much, Babs?
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: NO! But I would love a decent cup of coffee.
Toilet Brush: Well when I finish dusting, I'll make you one ;) It will be real nice.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Oh, I know what you're getting at, keep your feather duster away from my coffee Hazel, or I will have to ring your neck.
Toilet Brush: The only one who will be doing that around here will be me, aren't you the chicken Babs?"
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Gosh, you are infuriating. When are you coming home?
Toilet Brush: In about 10 minutes, you really do miss me don't you?
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Oh please! Don't flatter yourself, Hazel, if anything I may just want to kiss you when you arrive home.
Toilet Brush: Are you drinking, Babs? Because if so, you better share when I get there.
Realizing what she said after checking her phone and realizing that it changed her text, she blushed in embarrassment before hitting reply.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: If you must know, no I am not drinking, but I would sooner jump off a bridge than kiss you. My phone apparently likes to put words in my mouth.
Toilet Brush: You say it, but you don't mean it.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Oh trust me, I do. I would have turned off this damn autocorrect a long time ago but it actually has helped me out before. But if it pulls another stunt like that with you, I'll have to turn it off.
Toilet Brush: Well, I am about to walk in the door Boobcock! I'll get a gym sock from Brighton so I can make your coffee.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Shut it, dust buster. I could so kiss you right now!
Toilet Brush: LMAO, where and when, on the terrace would be lovely. I'll just make sure I gargle with tea afterwards.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Damn autocorrect! I meant KILL you.
Toilet Brush: I'm sure you did. How would the ice queen like her coffee?
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Decaf, Rochester, this conversation is surely going to put me 6 feet under. I am having severe palpitations. Maxwell wants me to meet him upstairs at 3 pm on Broadway.
Toilet Brush: LMAO! Wishful thinking Babs.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: OMG! This damn phone, I meant upstage at the damn theatre.
Toilet Brush: I know what you meant ;)
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Where's my coffee, Hazel?
Toilet Brush: Coming right along, I just needed the hair of dog to complete the potion for you.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: I wish you could see my face right now, for I am gleaming at the thought of seeing you.
Toilet Brush: Damn Babs I am beginning to wonder, if you have some sort of thing for me.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: OMG! Autocorrect needs to die. But yet I won't turn it off.
Toilet Brush: Oh c'mon, Babs, you are so uptight. Live on the edge a little, keep it on.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Can it Rochester, where is my damn coffee already. Clearly, in your old age, you can't multitask.
Toilet Brush: Walking through the door with it now. I hope it's potent enough to your liking.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: God, I want to straddle you right now!
Toilet Brush: I am not drunk enough to do that, Babsy.
Of course, now he was in the room bringing her the coffee. Her face had flushed and the normally self-assured C.C. Babcock had become extremely embarrassed as she realized what the last text said. The embarrassment was evident on her face. She needed to leave the room, for she could not give the help the satisfaction of seeing her like this. She ran out of the office onto the terrace and continued to text him.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: I never turned it off, and now I regret it tremendously. As if I would give you the time of day.
Toilet Brush: Please, as if I'd give you the time of day. I, just like every other man, am repulsed by your touch.
He instantly regretted sending that while secretly wishing all her autocorrects were true.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: I really despise you!
Toilet Brush: Yeah, well not as much as I love you.
Boobock, the Bitch of Broadway: What?
She got no response.
Boobcock, Bitch of Broadway: Hazel, what the hell was that text about? I need my daily rhythm and now you are just going away cold turkey on me?
Still no response. She texted him once more.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Rochester, where'd you go? You can't just send me a shocking text like that and not respond. You are walking right into the ring of fire, you know.
Niles had to gather his wits about him. Although he had completely meant to write the word loathe, his true feelings somehow managed to worm their way onto the screen of his phone. Should I take it back? Or should I tell her how I feel? I suppose I could easily just say it was all autocorrect. After all, she has sent me a couple of embarrassing texts, even if she doesn't know that I would love her to do both those things to me.
Toilet Brush: You know damn good and well that was not me, Babcock. I was cleaning the toilet and couldn't get to the phone to respond right away.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: About time, you showed back up on here. I was beginning to think you would leave me hanging.
Toilet Brush: Never, Babs, my life would be empty without you to insult on a daily basis.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Well apparently, mine would be too, because Maxwell just called and cancelled our meeting upstairs.
Toilet Brush: Babs, I don't think he had any intention on showing up in the first place. ROFLMAO!
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: OMG! UPSTAGE YOU DAMN PHONE!
Toilet Brush: What you say, and what you mean are 2 different things, Boobcock!
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Would you stop calling me, Boobcock! I am still angry with you about that. I could smack you repeatedly for putting that in the ad.
Toilet Brush: Your touch might burn me, witch!
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: God, I want you!
Toilet Brush: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: HATE, GOD DAMNIT!
Toilet Brush: I'll be the judge of that.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: What the hell is that supposed to mean, Butler Boy?
Toilet Brush: You just keep sending me these mixed messages. I just need to see you to know. Get my drift.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Not exactly, enlighten me Butler Boy.
Toilet Brush: Babs, it is just so damn hard to know what the hell you mean half the time when I can't see your face. That is the weakness of this whole texting thing.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Well, I for one, don't mind not seeing your face on a daily basis, you old crone.
This was a complete and utter lie of course, for she was hoping that this very comment would piss him off enough to make him come and find her.
Toilet Brush: Where are you right now, because I have this strong urge to hit you over the head with the plunger.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Back in the office. Take a shower first, I am allergic to the Lemon Bowl Fresh you use to clean Brighton's bathroom and the smell is absolutely ghastly anyways.
Toilet Brush: In that case, I'll clean the couch in the office with it.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Make yourself useful and get me a cup of tea, would you?
Toilet Brush: Would you like anything in it, lemon, honey, a sock?
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Cut the crap, would you and bring me a cup of tea, you know damn good and well I want lemon.
Toilet Brush: I'm not a mind reader, Babs.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Bullshit, I ask for the same exact thing in my tea every time, don't play stupid, even if you are.
He went to go make her a cup of tea, after first taking off the rubber gloves, changing his clothes and spraying on a little bit of cologne to make himself presentable.
Toilet Brush: Coming through the door with your tea, Babs!
He walked through the door and handed it to her at the desk. He then walked over to the green couch and sat down with his phone in hand.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: What are you still doing in here and why did I just text this to you instead of verbally telling you to get the hell out?
Toilet Brush: So the truth comes out ;)
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Whatever do you mean?
Toilet Brush: You may say you want me to leave, but I can see it on your face that you want me to stay.
This was getting quite awkward for her now. She definitely was not expecting him to be so observant and it scared her to no end. She walked out of the room, with her phone, in hope that her feelings weren't transparent.
Toilet Brush: Babs, where are you going?
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: I just needed to get something out of my car. Not to mention, I am repulsed by your absolutely handsome face.
Toilet Brush: Huh? You prefer someone from your own species, a dog like Chester maybe?
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Damn phone! I meant horrid. And can it, would you?
Toilet Brush: Truth is Babs, I enjoy this thing we got going here.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: There is NOthing between us, Rochester, except the door.
Toilet Brush: Again, what you say and what you mean are two totally different things. Well, I must get back to work before the stuffed shirt gets home.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Oh, really, so soon. I am sure you have a while before he gets back.
Toilet Brush: AHA! I knew you were enjoying this! Don't worry Babs, the stuffed shirt won't be home for a while and I plan on wasting all the time possible.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: I never said that! You really are such a piece of ass.
Toilet Brush: I'm flattered Babcock!
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: SHIT!
Toilet Brush: LMAO! If I didn't know any better, I would say you are coming on to me.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Well you do know better!
Toilet Brush: Do I?
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: I really do admire you!
Toilet Brush: Awww, C.C. I am beaming with happiness.
Boobock, the Bitch of Broadway: ABHOR! Damn it!
He laughed again, as he read another complete screw up from her phone.
Toilet Brush: I detest you too Babs ;)
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: What's the wink for?
Toilet Brush: Maybe I don't mean what I say either.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: What do you mean?
Toilet Brush: Let's just say, I think my phone knows me better than I do. It translates my insults into what I actually mean.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Well I for one, never say what I don't mean.
Toilet Brush: Lies! Walk back into this office and look me into the eye and tell me that. You schmooze backers who you can't stand on a daily basis, so don't tell me you never say things you don't mean.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Ok, so maybe I do that, but everything I say to you is 100% what I mean. My heat for you is quite palpable.
Toilet Brush: Damn Babs, mating season so soon? I thought the eggs were all dried up.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: I hate this damn phone!
Truth be told, the thought of being with him made her hot on a daily basis but she would never openly admit that to him. OMG, this phone is going to be the death of me!
Toilet Brush: Babs, why don't you come back. The stuffed shirt will have no problem firing you if he sees you not at least pretending to do you work.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Can it, would you and leave the room, you smell like the men's room at JCPenny's!
Toilet Brush: You would know!
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Why the hell am I still texting you? You are so attractive!
Toilet Brush: Not so bad yourself, Babs.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: WOAH, hold the phone! Did you just compliment me toilet brush?
Toilet Brush: Well, I was just being nice after your lovely text.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: SHIT! Atrocious damn it!
Toilet Brush: Hahahahahahaha!
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Would you stop laughing already! This phone is getting on my last nerve.
Toilet Brush: Babs, I am reading through our texts and I forgot which ones were corrected.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Well let me enlighten you. Anything that I say that is nice about you, is flat out wrong.
Toilet Brush: Your phone knows you better than you think!
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Buzz off!
Toilet Brush: I think we should meet upstage.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Upstairs.
Toilet Brush: Yeah, what you said.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: shit, why am I still talking to you?
Toilet Brush: Is that a yes or a no Babcock?
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Give me 10 minutes.
Toilet Brush: Just enough time to spray myself with your favorite smell, Lemon Bowl Fresh.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: A little bit of Old Spice wouldn't kill ya.
Toilet Brush: Now the truth comes out ;)
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Guess so ;)
Toilet Brush: Waiting in anticipation. I am quite hot, waiting for the Ice Queen herself to come cool me down.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Are you sure people don't read these texts, like the government or something.
Toilet Brush: Oh, now your concerned? Oh don't be so uptight, Babs. Not to mention, if they did I am sure they have read much worse things.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: I guess that's true. Anyways, what's the plan?
Toilet Brush: I plan on "killing" you when you get up here.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Kissing me huh?
Toilet Brush: Yeah, what you said.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: I detest you old man!
Toilet Brush: I love you to, old woman.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: So you admit I am a woman.
Toilet Brush: I guess so ;)
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: I could get used to this winking thing ;)
Toilet Brush: Glad to hear it Babbycakes!
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Please don't ever call me that again.
Toilet Brush: Awww, why not under the layer of bitterness, you are quite sweet.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: You don't know me very well.
Toilet Brush: I know you too well, Babcock. Are you still meeting me upstage?
Boobcock, Bitch of Broadway: Upstairs, yes of course.
Toilet Brush: I am waiting patiently, or rather I have been waiting patiently for a good 20 years now.
Boobcock, Bitch of Broadway: Now I really have no idea what you mean.
Toilet Brush: Come up here and I'll show you ;)
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: I am not one for surprises.
Toilet Brush: Well get used to it Babs, because I am full of them.
Boobcock, Bitch of Broadway: Promise me one thing, lemon pledge. These surprises better be good, since I am risking getting fired.
Toilet Brush: Oh don't worry about that Babs, my surprises all always superb and Mr. Sheffield wouldn't fire you, he needs somebody to kiss the asses for him.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: You better cut the crap, or I won't come up there.
But of course that statement was a lie because she was already heading up the stairs to meet him.
Toilet Brush: Babs, don't put a knife in my heart. Even though you sleep on nails every night, some of us just can't handle that.
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: You better can it before I head right down these stairs and forget about this conversation completely.
Toilet Brush: Oh Babs, don't lie to yourself or me. I know you are leaning against the door of my room.
Before she received the text, however, he opened the door. Being that she had been leaning against it when he opened it she began to fall, but of course he was there to catch her before any real damage was done.
"Surprise #1, Babcock", he said with a crooked smile on his face.
"And I have many more where that came from."
She just didn't know what to say as she peered into his eyes. This sudden close contact with him in his room felt rather dreamlike to her. She slowly stood up straight as he steadied her so she wouldn't fall. Words were still not coming to her as she just stood there, thankful that he was able to stop her from falling.
"Suddenly, your speechless, Babcock, I would have never guessed."
"What did you want to show me, Niles?" she asked, mesmerized by the fact that she was standing in very close proximity to him, in his room, with the door shut.
"Surprise #2, Babcock", he said before crushing his lips on top of hers. She gave in rather easily, for as much as she pretended to hate him all of these years it had been nothing but a lie. They continued to ravenously kiss one another as she ran her hands through his sandy colored hair. He put his hand on the small of her back and pulled her in close to him as the two of them melted into one another.
He began to lose control as his hands, explored every inch of her body, taking in the smooth feeling of her cream colored skin and the contours of her perfect curves.
She explored him as well as her hands moved up and down his broad back, back into his hair and migrated towards his chest and under his suit coat.
Before they knew it, the two of them had made love together and had fallen asleep in one another's arms.
…
They awoke with a start, however, at the sound of Maxwell's voice. They immediately sprang into action, getting dressed, not even bothering to talk about or even completely realizing what just happened.
Both were dressed and ran out of the room, going their separate ways to make sure they didn't look suspicious.
C.C. went to the kitchen, grabbed a diet coke out of the fridge and sprinted back to the office, where she made it look as if she had been working the whole time. Niles, grabbed his duster, found a shelf with a spec of dust and made it appear as if he was working, when in reality he was thinking about C.C.
He grabbed his phone immediately and knew he had to text her once more.
Toilet Brush: Phew, that was close, the stuffed shirt would have fired both of us for sure. By the way did you like surprises #1 and 2?
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: Ehhhhhhhh…..just kidding they were great, but are you sure you can top yourself?
Toilet Brush: Meet me again later and you'll find out ;)
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: ;) ;) ;)
Toilet Brush: Is that a yes, Ice queen?
Boobcock, the Bitch of Broadway: 3 Can you bring surprises #3 and 4 to my place tonight, say 8'clock?
Toilet Brush: Certainly, my queen!
Boobock, the Bitch of Broadway: Dust buster, I detest you by the way ;)
Toilet Brush: I love you too, Witch!
Their phones knew them better than they thought!