The siblings walked around the dark wax museum. It was a simple job. Take all of the legitimate items and salt and burn them. Dean picked up Lincoln's hat.
"Hey, check it out." He said to Sam and Lorelai and put the hat on his head. "Four score and seven years ago, I had a funny hat." He said in a bad imitation of Lincoln. Lorelai smirked.
"Dean." Sam said, his voice thick with annoyance.
"I can't have any fun with this?"
"Let's just torch the objects, torch the ghosts and get out of here, okay?"
"I'll go grab East of Eden's key chain." Dean left. Lorelai looked at Sam and raised her eyebrows at him.
"What?" Sam asked her.
"Who crapped in your cornflakes?" She asked. That received a dirty look from Sam. Sam walked up to Lincoln and examined him.
"They're kind of creepy, really." With a loud slam, the doors to the room slammed shut.
"Dean?" Lorelai called out. There was no reply. Sam and Lorelai raised their guns on the look out for movement. Lorelai's heart was racing. This was her first time facing ghosts. Hell, it was her first real hunt. Sam was as still as a statue. There was clicking a Sam's gun flew out of his hands as Lorelai was pushed up and held against the wall by an invisible force.
"Shit!" Lorelai exclaimed as her gun fell out of her hands and the figure of Gandhi attacked Sam. Sam attempted to fight him off as Gandhi jumped up on him and wrapped his arms around Sam's neck. Sam ran into the wall and crushed Gandhi on it. The force holding Lorelai loosened a bit and she was able to grab her gun before it strengthened again. Dean burst in through the doors.
"Is that Gandhi?" He asked Sam, who was still struggling with him round his neck.
"Yeah!" Sam replied.
"Dude, he's squirrely."
"Get- get the-"
"Get the what?"
"Glasses." Sam gasped for breath as Dean shot across the room and put Gandhi's glasses in the bucket before lighting a match and burning them. As the bucket erupted into flames, Gandhi vanished and Lorelai was set free.
"You couldn't have been a fan of someone cool?" Dean asked him.
"Yeah, really?" Lorelai asked. "Gandhi?" Sam shook his head. He knew they wouldn't let this go.
Back at the motel, Dean and Lorelai were packing their bags. Sam came out of the bathroom.
"So, you ready to blow this joint?" Dean asked him.
"Dean, didn't it strike you as strange the way Gandhi just vanished?"
"Strange how?"
"No screaming, no big flameout. I mean, that isn't the way ghosts usually go."
"Still, I torched, he vanished."
"Yeah but- Also, I feel like he was trying to take a bite out of me."
"It did kind of look like that." Lorelai interjected.
"A bite?" Dean asked.
"Yeah, like he was hungry." Sam replied. "But the thing is, Gandhi- or at least the real Gandhi, he was a-"
"A what?" Sam looked embarrassed. "Spit it out."
"He was a fruitarian." Dean and Lorelai looked at each other and burst out laughing. Sam was getting irritated at how childish they could be.
"Let me get this straight." Dean began. "Your ultimate hero was not only a short man in diapers, but he was also a fruitarian?"
"That's not the point." Sam said, annoyed.
"That is good. Even for you, that's good."
"I'm just saying, I'm not so sure this thing is over."
"It was a ghost. It was a weirdly supercharged, fruitarian ghost, but it was still a ghost."
"So first you drag me into town and now you're dragging me back out?"
"You ain't steering this boat. Let's go. Chop chop."
"You know, this isn't gonna work."
"What isn't."
"Us."
"Come on!" Lorelai broke in. "Again? I'll leave you to your bitch fight. I'll be in my car." She stormed out. She hated fights between people she loved. They tore her up. They reminded her of Julie and Nick. Poor, poor Julie and Nick. Killed because of her presence. Lorelai blamed herself. She still does. She knows there was nothing she could have done but it was her fault somehow. It was her who should have died. Lorelai put her head in her hands. She wanted to cry. She needed to cry but the tears just weren't coming out. She punched the chair in attempt to get her emotions out but she felt no better. Lorelai switched on the stereo and put in her Metallica album. She put her chair back and began to feel soothed as she listened to the beautiful guitar of the song Fade To Black. She jumped violently as someone tapped on the window. Lorelai put her seat back up and turned off the stereo. Dean was outside. She rolled down her window.
"Yes?" She asked.
"It's not over. Me and Sam are going down to the sheriff's office."
"Okay."
"Hey, er, I'm sorry me and Sam keep fighting. It's just gonna take a while to get everything back to normal."
"Don't worry."
"Alright. Okay. If you need me, phone me."
"I will."
There was a knock on the motel room door.
"House keeping." A man said behind it.
"Dean, I know it's you. I heard your car pull up." The door opened and sure enough Sam and Dean walked in.
"So what's going on?" Lorelai asked them.
"A girl was attacked by Paris Hilton." Dean replied.
"Yeah, right. What really happened? Sam, you answer."
"A girl really did get attacked by Paris Hilton." Sam answered. Dean raised his eyebrows at her. "Which tells us that it's not a ghost. I also found these in the victim's stomach." He lifted up a small back with seeds in it. Lorelai examined it.
"Gross, Sam. Did you get any more food out of her stomach while you were at it?"
"No, this was unusual. I've never seen this type of seed before." Lorelai looked at Dean.
"What a geek." She said jokingly.
"That's what I said." Dean replied.
"Guess we better get researching."
They'd been looking for a while through an endless amount of web pages. When finally Sam found something.
"Yahtzee." He said.
"What?" Lorelai asked and her and Dean moved round to look at his screen.
"The seeds aren't from around here. In fact they're not from any tree or plant in the country."
"Where are they from?" Dean asked.
"Eastern Europe. A forest in the Balkans which isn't there anymore. It was chopped down like 30 years ago."
"So?" Lorelai asked.
"So local legend has it that the forest was guarded by a pagan god whose name was Leshii. A mischievous god who could take on infinite forms."
"And let me guess." Dean said. "He liked to much on his fans?"
"Yep. 'Could be appeased only with the blood from his worshippers'. It would drain them, then stuff their stomachs with the seeds."
"Then how does he do it? What he touches James Dean's keychain and then morphs into James Dean?"
"Hm, as good a guess as any."
"Yeah, well, whatever. How do we kill him?"
"Says here to chop off his head with an iron axe."
"Alright. Lets go gank ourselfs a Paris Hilton."
For the second time, they broke into the museum. They walked around silently looking until they reached a closed door with the sign 'closed for renovation' on it. Sam pushed it open. It was a forest-like area they walked in when Sam noticed a girl on the floor.
"Hey." He said and approached the girl.
"Is she alive?" Lorelai asked.
"Yeah, barely." They got distracted as a knife whipped through very close to Lorelai and Dean. The figure of Paris Hilton stood there, smiling at them. Lorelai moved back and tried to get behind her. The pagan god punched Dean repeatedly in the face until he fell down. She quickly fixed her hair and threw an advancing Sam across the room. Lorelai sneaked up behind her and caught her in a headlock, but the god was stronger than Lorelai had anticipated. She threw Lorelai over her shoulders and kicked her on the back hard enough to cause difficulty breathing for a minute or two. She fixed her hair again and walked over to Dean who was recovering from his blow.
"Awesome." She said, and she stamped on Dean's head causing him to black out. Lorelai didn't dare move yet. She was too close. The god picked up some ropes off a tree stump and walked over to Lorelai. Lorelai feigned unconsciousness and hit the face of Paris Hilton with enough force that it made her stagger back a bit. Lorelai rolled over to the fallen axe but before she could get it, the god had grabbed Lorelai's hair and she slammed her head against the floor. Lorelai passed out.
Waking up was painful. Lorelai wanted to go back to sleep. She also needed to pee, but that could wait. There was a scraping noise. She looked up to see Paris Hilton filing her nails with a sharp knife. Dean woke up a second after Lorelai did. The god looked up to see they were awake.
"Oh, I'm so glad you're awake for this." She said. "This is gonna be huge."
"Super." Dean replied. "I wouldn't wanna miss it." The pagan god continued.
"I mean, I've been stuffing myself with fast food lately, so it's nice to do the ritual right. Prepare a nice slow meal for a change."
"Just like the good old days, huh?" Sam said. Paris Hilton moved her head round too fast.
"You have no idea. People adored me. They used to throw themselves at me with smiles on their faces."
"I guess these days nobody gives a fuck about some backwoods forest god, huh?" Dean asked.
"No. Not since they cut down my forest and built a Yugo plant."
"The march of progress, sister." Dean replied. It always shocked Lorelai how calm Dean seems in these situations. He's tied up, about to be killed and making jokes. Lorelai was looking for ways of escape. She remembered the pocket knife she had up her sleeve. She tried to maneuver her hands discreetly so she could reach it.
"For years now, I've been wandering. Hungry. Scared. Scrounging for scraps. So not sexy. But then, the best thing ever happened. Someone tripped the apocalypse and I thought: What the hell. I'm tired of watching what I eat. I wanna pig out. So I found this little place. It's awesome. Adoring fans stroll right in the door." Lorelai managed to click it open without it being heard.
"Yeah. But they're not your fans." Sam pointed out.
"So? They worship Lincoln, Gandhi, Hilton, whatever. I'll take what I can get."
"You know, I've got to tell you." Dean said. "You're not the first god we've met, but you are the nuttiest."
"No, you. You people. You're the crazy ones. You used to worship gods, but this?" She gestured at herself. "This is what passes for idolatry? Celebrities? What have they got beside small dogs and spray tans? You people used to have old-time religion, now you have Us weekly."
"I don't know, I'm more of a Penthouse Forum man myself." Lorelai started cutting through the rope in small movements, glad that Dean was taking the attention.
"Maybe, but there's still a lot of yummy meat on those bones, boy." She walked up to him.
"Well, I hate to break it to you sister, but you can't eat me. See, I'm not a Paris Hilton BFF. I've never even seen House Of Wax."
"No. But I can totally read your mind, Dean. I know who your hero is. Your daddy. Am I right?" She picked up the axe. "And this belonged to him. Didn't it? Poor little Dean. All you ever wanted was to be loved by your idol. One distant father figure coming right up." As she turned away Dean broke free. Fury with him, he shoved her to the ground. She managed to switch the sides and delivered blow after blow. Sam then broke free and assisted his brother in the fight. Lorelai pulled on the ropes with all of her might and felt them give way. They snapped and she landed on the floor. She got the axe and quickly gave it to Sam who then chopped off Paris Hilton's head. Dean got up with an embarrassed look on his face.
"Not a word." He said to his siblings who were smiling at shaking their heads at him.
"Dude. You just got whaled on by Paris Hilton."
"Shut up."
In the morning they repacked their bags and left for Lafayette, Indiana, certain that the job in Canton was done. In Lafayette an 18 year old boy had been killed down a lover's lane. Skinned. The girl was stabbed and in hospital. Lorelai was glad it was a shorter drive than usual. She was knackered.