~/\~
It should have scared me…but it didn't.
I shouldn't have wanted it…but I did.
~x~
~x~
~x~
Chapter 1
The porch was illuminated by the soft glow of the television as the silver light streamed through the window. The wet air was cold against my face, but not bitter. The quiet night was dark, but not daunting. My ambiguous eyes looked out into the woods beside the house, never landing on a specific destination. I brought the glass that I was holding up to my lips and took a drink when I felt his arms slide around my waist.
"You look like you could use some warming up," he said, his voice dipped in brown sugar and the slightest hint of desperation.
My body tensed immediately and I could tell that he felt it. He took in a deep breath and I could feel his warmth against my neck as he exhaled.
"I wasn't cold," I told him softly, hoping that he would take the hint and wanting desperately to not do this – to not hurt him again.
"Well, maybe you could just use some protection," he said, his voice soft and deep. "It's Halloween after all. And you're standing in the dark by yourself. You don't know what kind of monsters could be lurking in the woods just outside your door."
Turning around and extracting myself from his hold, I smiled at him. He was so much bigger than me. Bigger than anyone else I knew, really. Jacob would have intimidated just about anyone, but I had known him my whole life and I knew the truth. He wasn't really scary at all. Not in that way. He was soft and warm and generous and bright. He was my best friend and I knew that he wished that I was more.
But I just…wasn't.
I couldn't find it anywhere in me to feel like that for him. And the messed up thing…the truly fucked up thing was that I wanted to. I wanted to feel that way for him. I wanted to find him sexy and I wanted my heart to speed up when I saw him. I wanted to know what he felt like over me, under me…pushing inside me. But I didn't. And after twenty-eight years, I knew I never would.
"The only thing I need protection from around here is you," I told him, smiling. "Now, come on. Everyone else is inside."
He looked down at me and I could see his contemplation, the way his mind was working. And as much as I hated doing it, as much as I knew it would hurt me to do it, I forced myself to meet his eyes. They were dark and questioning and so, so familiar.
"Why do you run from it?" he asked, his voice revealing the bitterness and resentment of years of trying and never succeeding. "Why do you run from me? Is it because you're afraid of how you might feel?"
"Jake – please, let's not do this right now."
"You know that's what they wanted, don't you?" he said lowly, causing my breath to catch in my throat in a way that was painful and constricting. "They wanted us to be happy. I could make you so happy."
It took me a moment to steady myself. His words causing my world to shift into a place that I didn't want to be. A darker place. A place that I spent my nights ignoring and my days unconsciously avoiding.
"Stop – just stop," I spat at him. "Forget the monsters that lurk in the woods, the only thing I should be scared of right now is you. How…I mean, why…why are you doing this? That's fucked up, Jake."
His face immediately took on a look of contrition as he backed away. I could see the way his body assumed a position of surrender just as his voice took on the same yielding tone that was blanketed in apology.
"I'm sorry, Bella…I didn't mean to bring that shit up," he started. "It's just…I just….fuck, I'm just sorry."
"Save it," I said, turning around to walk back into the house, the screen door slamming behind me.
My two best girlfriends, Alice and Rose, were on the couch finishing a movie. The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I had seen it and it was scary enough if you believed in that sort of shit – and I did to some extent. I mean, I wasn't sure if I believed in possession, but I definitely believed in spirits.
"Fuck me," Rose exclaimed. "That scared the shit out of me."
Rolling my eyes at her, I offered her another drink.
"Could we be any lamer?" Alice asked as she stretched on the couch. "We should be at the bar tonight – not that your place isn't lovely." She smiled sweetly and rolled her eyes.
I chose to ignore her sarcasm.
"Fuck you," I said laughing. "Besides, I'm not spending my only night off at the fucking bar. I'll be there every other night this week."
"You wouldn't have to be behind the bar tonight," Rose said. "You could sit and drink with the rest of us."
"We can drink here," I said as I mixed another cocktail. "And anyway, I still have some stuff planned for us to do tonight."
"Does it involve dick in any of us?" Rose laughed and my eyes shifted uncomfortably over to Jacob who was sitting in the old recliner. His eyes were still remorseful, but his true feelings still lingered and burned as he met my gaze.
"No…there will be no dick," I said as my voice faltered just a bit. "But it will be fun if everyone promises to keep an open mind."
"An open mind is never as good as an open pussy, Bella," she said completely seriously.
I wanted to roll my eyes at her comment, but I couldn't. Because on some level, that shit was true. It had been so long since I had felt the release of having someone fuck me. It's not that I didn't have the opportunity because if you wanted to get laid enough, you could do it. I mean, I worked as a bartender and was surrounded by drunk, horny men every night. But I was never into that – you know – people shouldn't shit where they eat and all. But goddamn, it would be so fucking good to just have one night with a man that could actually make me wet…just pound the shit out of me.
It had been too long.
It had been way too fucking long.
Just the thought of that kind of carnal activity made me flush and fuck, I couldn't have Jake thinking it was about him. So, I pushed that shit back and walked over to the antique chest in the living room. In the bottom drawer was what I was looking for. I knew exactly where it was – remembered the exact last time I had used it.
Pulling the box from the drawer, I blew off the light layer of dust that had collected on the top. The letters on the worn box that had yellowed from age stared back at me.
Ouija
I held the box as if it held something truly important. It wasn't just a board game that I played with in an attempt to achieve some sort of whimsical fantasy. I believed in this. I believed in the afterlife, in the idea that there were spirits and beings. And I knew that even though their human existence had expired – their souls remained. Waiting…seeking out someone to talk to.
"The Ouija board, Bella?" Jacob hissed, standing up and walking over to where I was kneeling. "I'm not playing the fucking Ouija board."
I looked up to meet his eyes, my grip on the box tightening.
"Then leave," I said evenly, the calm of my voice not betraying my slight nervousness. "No one asked you to stay for this and it will work better without you anyway."
"Why will it work better without me?" he asked, his voice as challenging as his irritated and angry posture.
"Because clearly, you don't have an open mind."
His eyes were piercing for a brief moment before he rolled them, mumbling something under his breath.
"Fine."
And with that word he turned and left and even though I loved him – even though he was my best friend – I couldn't find it in me to care. It was too much lately. Too hard. I didn't know if it was because we were getting older, but he had been pressing me more and more to be with him. "Just to try," as he would say. But even though there was no one else – even though I wasn't sure there would ever be anyone else – I couldn't stop the one small piece of my heart that hoped that he was out there. Somewhere. And I wasn't ready to settle.
It wouldn't be fair to me.
And it sure as fuck wouldn't be fair to Jacob.
"I wish you would just fuck him and get it over with," Rose said kneeling down in front of me. "Jesus, it's enough already. He might get over this shit if you take him upstairs and pretend to be bad in bed."
"Fuck you, Rose."
"Well, you never know," Alice interjected, joining us on the floor. "It's been a really long time for her. She might be really bad in bed and it's just been so long that she doesn't remember."
We all burst out laughing and it was exactly what I needed to shake off the uncomfortable feeling that was still lingering from Jake.
"I don't know about the Ouija Board, Bella," Alice whined softly. "It's kind of scary. I mean, you're basically inviting spirits into your house and you don't know if they're good or bad…or anything about them at all. Well, except that they're dead."
"It never works anyway," Rose said.
"It will work if we are open to it," I said, trying not to be irritated. "Come on, it's Halloween. We are supposed to do shit like this! What else are we going to do? Bob for Apple-tinis? And we can do it at the table on the porch if that makes you feel better."
"Outside?" Alice shrieked. "You want to do this outside?"
"On the porch," I amended. "It's screened in and I'll even get some candles to light."
"Fine," Rose said, looking at Alice. "Don't be a pussy. This could be fun. Maybe we'll talk to someone that's dead and hot."
I laughed as I gathered a couple of candles from the living room, deciding to also get the tapers from the dining room. I poured a glass of red wine as well to place on the table.
"Dead and hot," Alice repeated. "You mean like James Dean or Clark Gable?"
"Well, I meant Heath Ledger or River Phoenix," Rose snorted. "James Dean is hot, but everyone knows that Clark Gable had false teeth and bad breath."
I laughed at my friends that I loved so much as I headed out to the porch to set up. I placed the candles around the dark space and lit them one by one, choosing to ignore the sounds that were coming from the woods. I was normally not a scared individual. I found that the things that happened in real life were usually scarier than anything that happened in my imagination. Reality was far more frightening than any scary movie.
When the porch was glowing with the soft light of the flickering flames, I took my seat at the old wooden table. I should have gotten patio furniture a long time ago, but I found that I just couldn't let the table go.
He loved this table.
Every scratch and knick and scuff reminded me of a time when he had filled my life…when my life had been much happier.
Rose and Alice sat down as I pulled the old board from the box. I'd had it since I was a child. My mother had given it to me, telling me that it was always better to use a board that was gifted to you as opposed to one that you bought. She said that the spirits responded more openly…more frequently. While I didn't know if that was true, she had never lied to me. So, I chose to believe her words.
I placed the board on the center of the table, making sure it didn't touch the wine placed before the empty seat across from me. I felt the cool of it as I ran my fingers along the surface and I didn't feel anything else…except anticipation. I took the wooden planchette from the box and placed it on the board in the center. Looking at my friends, I asked them if we could all hold hands. I know it sounded stupid, but if a spirit was going to talk to us, we needed to be acting as a unit with a singular goal in mind.
Communion.
Communion with a spirit.
"I'm not sure about this," Alice whispered.
"Are you scared?" I asked, smiling softly at her. "There is nothing to be scared of."
Even as I said the words, I wasn't sure I believed them.
"It's fine," Rose said. "We've done this before and nothing bad has ever happened."
With both of their hands in mine, I spoke quietly again.
"I'll be acting as the medium, but I need you both to relax and open your minds to the possibility that someone – anyone – might want to speak to us."
"What if a bad spirit wants to speak to us?" Alice asked, he voice quivering just a touch.
It was a possibility. It had never been a problem before because as many times as I had done this, not once had a spirit ever tried to communicate. I did my best to reassure her as I closed my eyes and began speaking.
"We are only asking that spirits gentle in nature come to sit with us at this table. We are only requesting the presence and the words of those that mean us no harm."
I felt both of them squeeze my hands a little tighter and the cool night wind blew around us, causing the candles to flicker and dance.
"Beloved spirit, we offer you this wine – a gift to you from life into death. We ask that you would join us…commune with us…move among us…speak to us. We are open, beloved spirit," I said, pausing and listening to the sounds of the night around us – the sounds of our breathing that seemed so quiet. "We are listening."
Opening my eyes, I asked that we place our fingers softly on the planchette…so soft that we were barely touching it. Once we had done that – we waited.
We sat there for what seemed like several long minutes with nothing. No movement, no noise…nothing. I looked at Rose and Alice and they both looked patiently irritated. I asked if we could try one more time and they both agreed, so we joined hands again and I repeated our summoning of the spirits. Placing our fingers back on the planchette, we waited again. This time – after several moments – there was movement.
My entire body stilled as I waited and watched where the wooden piece moved. My heart rate increased as it paused at the letter "B." I looked to Alice and Rose, skeptical that they were moving the piece, but Rose's face gave nothing away and Alice looked terrified.
"B," I said the letter out loud to acknowledge it to the spirit and waited for more movement.
It was then that I got my wish. I sat enraptured as the planchette began to move again, pausing at the letter "O."
"O," I repeated it back, smiling at Alice who was beginning to tremble.
I felt the wood move backwards before shifting back and pausing at the letter "O" again. And then I started laughing in spite of myself.
"That's really funny, Rose," I said, sarcasm dripping from my voice. "Boo. I get it. So fucking hilarious! We're talking to a ghost and the ghost said boo!"
She looked at me shocked for a moment and feigning innocence.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Bella," she said and before I knew what was happening, I felt the wood beneath my fingers begin to move again before stopping on the letter "B."
It took a moment to realize what happened because I was so shocked by the movement that I literally didn't know that Rose had burst out laughing.
"Boo is not as funny as boob, Bella," she said as she laughed even louder. "Come on, don't be pissed. Nothing was going to happen and I don't know what was funnier. The fact that you actually thought someone was talking to us or the fact that Shortie McScared over here was pissing her pants at the thought that a ghost was spelling out boob."
I wanted to laugh, but I didn't want her to know, so I bit down on my bottom lip and willed myself not to smile.
"That's not funny, Rose," Alice cried. "I was really scared."
"Of what?" she asked. "Casper the tit-friendly ghost?"
"You know what?" I told them. "You both suck."
We were all silent for a moment at my outburst and then it happened…we all started laughing and the tension of the moment completely fell away.
"Did you guys want to watch another movie?" I asked, hoping that they really didn't. I really just wanted to clean up and go to bed. The day had been so long and I knew that I would have to deal with Jake the next day.
"No, that's okay," Rose said. "I think I need to get Alice home before the witching hour begins."
"Fuck you, Rose," she said. "I'm not really scared of the witching hour. What time is it?"
I giggled at my friends as I stood from the table.
"It's two-thirty, sweetie. You have a half hour before you turn into a pumpkin."
Rose walked over to me and pulled me into a hug.
"Are you sure you don't want us to stay and help clean up?"
"No," I told her honestly. "I'll be fine. You guys should get home, though. Thanks for coming over and I'm sorry we didn't go to the bar."
"No worries, Bella," she reassured me. "I understand you not wanting to be there. Besides, this was a lot of fun."
I hugged them both at the door and watched as they drove away. I locked the front door and began cleaning up. Once everything was put away and the house was fairly clean, I decided to head to bed. It wasn't until I turned off the lights that I saw the flicker of the still-lit candles on the porch. Groaning, I walked out to the porch.
~x~
~x~
~x~
I stood looking at the Ouija board as it glowed in the soft light. I wondered if they were right. It never seemed to work. Not once. Not ever. But then again, Rose and Alice never really believed in anything supernatural. I sat down at the table and I placed my fingers on the planchette. And I don't understand why, but I simply started talking so low that it was no more than a whisper.
"So, I'm not even going to try to be formal here. I don't know if any of this is real, but…but I'd like to believe it is. I'd like to think that there was a chance that I could talk to…them again. I never…I mean…I didn't."
My eyes started to water and before I allowed the sadness to consume me, I continued speaking to the nothing and the no one that surrounded me in the middle of the night.
Maybe I just needed to talk.
Maybe I just needed someone to listen.
Maybe I just needed someone.
"You know you always think that you'll have time. I'm guessing that if you really are dead…I mean gone, you'd know that. I'm sure that you thought you'd have more time. I'm sure that there were people that loved you the way that I loved them. Even though I never got to…"
The wind whipped around me, blowing my hair across my face and extinguishing all but two of the burning candles on the porch. And it was in that moment that I felt it.
The wood beneath my fingers shifted.
I felt it.
And I knew that I hadn't moved at all.
I quickly looked down at the board and there was nothing.
No movement.
Nothing.
Just my now-trembling fingers on the planchette that was standing still.
My heart rate increased and my breathing sped. And I don't know why or what possessed me, but I continued talking.
"I must be crazy now. That didn't really happen. Did it? I'm just tired and lonely and missing them so fucking much."
And then it happened again.
Movement.
I watched, completely entranced, as the wood that formed the shape of a heart began to slide across the board – my fingers still covering, but not touching it. And it was definitely pushing across the surface.
I couldn't breathe…couldn't focus on anything other than the movement. I should have been terrified. I should have run into the house and locked the door.
But I wasn't and I didn't.
There was no fear in me.
There was only fascination and complete and total absorption.
And then, as the wood beneath my fingers stopped on the word "Hello," there was nothing.
Just my breathing and the sound of my own heart pounding in my ears.
"Hello," I said, unsure of whether I was acknowledging the greeting or actually speaking to the spirit. "Are you talking to me now?"
Again, it moved, landing on the word, "Yes."
Taking in a deep breath, I wondered if I was possibly dreaming. I had to be dreaming. This wasn't really happening because as much as I'd hoped that it would, I had been in no way prepared to deal with the consequences of what it meant to be talking to someone that was no longer living.
"Fuck," I whispered. "Am I losing my mind?"
I waited for the movement and when it didn't happen, I didn't know if I should be relieved or disappointed. Settling for a combination of the two, I relaxed a little. It was so quiet outside. There wasn't a sound anywhere. The silence in the middle of the night should have been peaceful, but instead, it felt empty and the emptiness spoke so loudly and said too much.
Blinking back the tears that I knew were forming again, I looked down at the board one more time.
"I really am losing my mind, aren't I?"
And there it was again.
Movement.
Speaking.
Someone was speaking to me.
The wooden heart moved gradually, settling on the word, "No."
"I don't know you, do I?" I asked.
I didn't know why, but I just felt like I would be able to feel if it was someone I knew. There was no further movement and I could only assume that it meant that the answer was the same as before.
"I feel crazy. I guess I just thought I should say that out loud or something. I mean, you have to admit that you would find this crazy. I mean…well, I mean if you were still living."
I sucked in a breath of cool air at my words, realizing what I had just said.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm just a little freaked out that I'm either talking to myself or talking to someone that's…well, that's not really here. You can imagine how either scenario wouldn't really work to my favor. And I'm scared – not of you – well, maybe a little of you. But mostly I'm scared that I don't understand what's happening. Are you hurting? Is that why you're still here?"
Nothing.
I felt nothing.
"You're not hurting," I said. Though it sounded like a question to my own ears.
"I'm Bella," I said softly. "Did you know that? Do you know me?"
The planchette moved beneath my fingers once more, but only for a second before it stopped again. I wondered if I really was moving it unconsciously, but I knew that I wasn't. The wind picked up again, blowing out one of the two candles that were still lit. I felt the now-darker space envelop me as the remaining soft and glimmering light still illuminated the board.
"Are you a woman?"
I waited…and nothing.
"You're a man?" I asked, my voice so low it couldn't even be considered a whisper.
Staring at my hands and willing them not to move because I needed to know…I needed to understand that this was not my imagination. That this was not me, but something else.
Someone else.
And it was in that moment that the wood began to move and I knew where it was going before it paused.
Yes.
"You're a man," I whispered. "What is your name?"
I watched, holding my breath, as the wooden heart methodically and so, so slowly spelled out four letters.
"E."
"D."
"W."
"A."
"Edward?" my shaking voice whispered and as the name fell from my lips, the last candle extinguished. And I said it again – this time in darkness .
"Edward."
~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~
A/N
*still hiding*
Reviews are love.
Please leave me some.
Allow me to say that I have no real experience with the Ouija board other than when I play with my girlfriends over martinis on occasion. I might be taking liberties, so please forgive me. I don't want the "Witchboard Police" to tell me what I did wrong. LMAO
Marvar is, as always, who really makes my chapters readable. Truly. I love you so much that I'm almost cheating on Mr. Cosmo at this point.
Thank you to Caren (Nerac) and rainamd for pre-reading. I adore you both so effing much!
Thank you to everyone for the wonderful response to the prologue. Really, I am just amazed by all of you.
As always, I do not own the characters, but they sure the fuck own me.