Okay, first of all, I'd like to state that this fic is the stupidest thing I've ever written and, if god is good, that I'll ever write.
I know that this is going to ruin my reputation as a fanfic author for ever, but I couldn't resist writing this piece of crap.
Basicaly, I had the idea when I saw a piece of LotR/Family Guy fanart on DA. The artist is ElainePerna and the piece of fanart is Family Guy Sketch Cards K. It portraits Glen Quagmire as Legolas. Does that rock or what!
Anyway, sorry for this stupid fic.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
The Much Expected Rant of a Pretty Face
by Dorian Herestor
Nothing said "die" like three arrows shot in the head. It was true for mûmakil just as it was for orcs and Men. It was an universal language and everybody understood it.
Legolas Thranduilion, also known as Greenleaf, grinned grimly as he shot his three arrows directly into the mûmakil's skull. He though: Right. This has got to count as at least a hundred kills, given the proportionality ratio between orc/mumakil heights and masses. So that gives me one hundred and thirty six deaths at the very least. Ha! I'd like to see Gimli top that!
Now, this beast is dying, and when it fall, its might crush me. How to get out of here? I shouldn't jump, for even if I manage to land without a broken leg or a severed spine, I'll probably get crushed by the dying beast when it finally falls. He looked at the trunk, and considered the possibility. Hum, well, it's as good a way down as any other, I suppose.
As he foot-boarded down the mumakil's trunk, he made a mental note to himself to try that again, in the winter, in a snowy mountain, with a board under his feet. Oh, and to take Gimli with him. Wouldn't that be an image?
He landed with all the grace of his nature and race, right in front of Gimli, who stared at him dumbstruck. Legolas huffed in a way to say "Well, that went pretty well". Gimli open is mouth to speak, but then:
"LEGOLAS!"
"LEGGY!"
"LEGO!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
In the middle of the battle of the Pelennor Fields, a horde of squealing, sighing, daydreaming, drooling fangirls of all ages and looks, from the plainest girl of earth to hundreds of half-naked, abnormal females with silky hair and unusually colored eyes, came stampeding towards him, all of them holding up big posters written in big, bright, glittered letters: "LEGOLAS I 3 YOU!" and "LEGOLAS G. IS THE SEXYEST MAN ALIVE!" Here and there were posters of his picture with lots and lots of hearts drawn around it, and pictures of him with some random girl.
Fortunately, the stampede of rabid fangirls was stopped by a group of heavily muscled and amusingly startled Rohirrim, that formed a fence around what was certainly a stronger and more wicked force than all the armies of Sauron put together.
Did the fangirls take the hint and calmed down? Of course not! They just stayed behind the Rohirrim (most of them, at least), and squealed at the top of their unfortunate lungs:
"LEGOLAS, I LOVE YOU!"
"MAKE LOVE TO ME!"
"I WANT YOUR BABY!"
The whole battle froze and, for a moment, Orcs and Men alike joined together to watch the show.
And Legolas just stood there, fists clenched, jaw strongly set, lips only a thin line, trying with all his might to ignore the horde of squealing, delusional girls, while maintaining at least an ounce of his dignity. But when some stupid, stupid girl yelled: "I'LL BE YOUR LOVE INTEREST!"…
He snaped.
"SHUT UP!" He shouted back at the squealing horde. "SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! YOU STUPPID, STUPID GIRLS! I AM SICK OF YOU! AT FIRST IT WAS BEAREBLE, BUT AFTER THREE MOVIES I'M SICK OF IT! DO YOU HEAR ME? SICK!
The squealing horde did, in fact, shut up in a socked silence. Legolas, however, did not care.
"STOP DEAMING! IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, NEVER, EVER! NO, I DO NOT LOVE YOU, NO, I WILL NOT MARRY YOU, AND NO, I WILL NOT GO TO BED WITH YOU! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! AND DON'T YOU DARE GO FORM A LINE IN FRONT OF MY FRONT DOOR! I AM DONE! GO FRAWN OVER EDMUND CULLEN OR WHATEVER THAT RETARTED FAIRY'S NAME IS, GO!"
And for once, the squealing girls, and everyone alive in the Pelennor Fields, were silent with shock horror.
Steaming from his ears, Legolas turned to Gimli, whose jaw almost reached the ground. He pointed a threatening finger at the dwarf.
"Don't say anything, don't you dare! You have no idea what I have to go through every day! In my home I was admired, respected. Here I'm just a pretty face with stupid lines!"
When Gimli's only response was gawk even more at his fair friend, Legolas huffed, crossed his arms and raised his chin high. He glared at the army around him, all looking as if he has grown a second head.
He glared at them so hard beads of sweat started forming on their foreheads. "What are you looking at, hum?"
Still fuming, Legolas gave everyone The Hand, turned on his heels and, muttering to himself, he walked away.
Straight out of Family Guy!
PS: For all you Twitards and Edward Cullen Lovers wanting my head on a trophy, I apologise for nothing.
Dorian