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Chapter 4

"I don't want to hurt you, but I can't stay away," I whispered, hating that it was the truth, but unable to deny the absolution of it.

Especially to her.

She looked at me for just a moment. Her deep, beautiful eyes were wide and expressive. It didn't matter that her mind was silent to me because her eyes and body had spoken so loudly and communicated so much.

"Then don't."

My own mind reeled and teetered on the edge of torment and ecstasy, pretending briefly not to know which way I would fall.

But the truth was, I knew.

I had known long before that moment. I knew the moment she opened her eyes so unexpectedly that it terrified me. It scared and astonished me, not only because she was awake, but because I had been so absorbed in what it felt like to hold her that I'd overlooked every indication of her kindling consciousness. I knew the moment that her eyes met mine and I wasn't greeted with horror and disgust. Instead, she received me with openness, comfort and the staggering understanding of who I was. My name was on her lips, not dreaming, but awake and alive. She told me – the monster that had violated her sleeping and beautiful trust – not to be afraid. And I knew what I would choose the moment that she told me she wanted me…wanted this.

I would choose ecstasy and I would fall.

I would fall gloriously into her beauty, her desire and the warmth of her naked and perfect human body. There was no threat of damnation to stop my wretched act. I was already damned. Only my hell wasn't one of flickering flames and fiery affliction. My torture was a cold and vapid living, absent of warmth and color...and undeserving of love. But for the first time in sixty-six years, I didn't feel damned.

It felt like heaven.

She felt like heaven.

She took a deep and shuddering breath, licking her naked lips as if they were thirsty. Her body lay open and trusting and so fucking beautiful beneath me. Her perfect skin was pale and muted, yet it shimmered in the light of the opalescent light of the moon. Her breasts were full and womanly like the roundness of her hips. Every curve and line that I regarded acted as a reminder of the things that I didn't deserve…but would still take.

I placed my hand on top of her heart, feeling it pulse underneath me – the feeling of her warmth seared into my skin. I still couldn't understand how I could hear her blood – could feel it flow underneath me – but I could not smell it. Her body trembled beneath my fingers and I looked at her face, still shocked and amazed that there wasn't a trace of fear there.

"You are so beautiful," I murmured, leaning down to kiss her lips, every part of my mind trained on softness. I couldn't hurt her. "How can…how do…why do you want me?"

"I don't know," she whispered, her voice wrapping around me, pulling me closer, deeper. She brought her hands up to my face, stroking my cheeks before sliding them through my hair. She gripped it tightly, but to me, it was nothing more than a suggestion of what she intended me to feel. "I just…I just do. Why do you want me?"

I was flooded with a thousand thoughts. The limitless expanse of what my mind was able to process overwhelmed me. Every single reason that I could have for wanting her…every single understanding of what she did to me, what she willingly offered me. Without any further thinking, I began to list why as I kissed the different parts of her again and again.

"Because you're beautiful."

The flushed pink of her cheeks.

"Because you heard me."

The soft skin of her forehead.

"Because I can't…I can't hear you."

The curve of her neck.

"Because of the way you look at me."

The undulating rise and fall of her chest.

"Because holding you here in my arms makes me feel like this is where I am supposed to be…even though I shouldn't."

I said too much.

She made me want to say too much…to tell her the secrets that I carried with me.

I met her eyes once more, needing desperately to see the acceptance that I hoped I would find there. Needing it in spite of how undeserving I was. And just like I expected…just like I fucking expected…it was there.

I covered her mouth with mine and she tasted like honey and rain. It was so sweet and pure and everything I never knew I could experience. I lapped at her bottom lip, careful not to graze the swollen soft of her skin with my teeth. Her lips were hungry, but she was the one who was feeding me, filling me with so much passion and desire that I could feel my body tremble with it.

This was a different kind of lust.

It was different and yet I knew that it was just as consuming.

I breathed her in like air; only I didn't need air…I needed her. She made her own needs known as she pulled her hands down my chest, dragging them along my stomach. I shuddered convulsively under her touch. She grabbed at the hem of my shirt, her eyes meeting mine in an unspoken question, but I wanted to hear her. I selfishly needed to hear her articulate to me the depth of her desire again –that she really wanted me to do this. Because I still couldn't believe it.

"What?" I whispered, placing my hand on top of hers. "Tell me."

"I'm naked," she breathed.

"You are," I agreed, kissing her softly on her lips, her face. "You already were."

"I want you to be naked, too," she said, sliding her hot hand underneath the knit cotton of my shirt. It might as well have been fire as the sensation coursed through and burned me. "I want to see you, Edward. All of you…over and under me. I want us to be naked together."

A feral growl ripped through my chest at her seductive words…her soft and husky voice. I couldn't stop it. I frantically met her eyes and still there was no fear. Her eyes were wide and wild and needing. And I wanted to be the one to give…the one to take.

She would be my undoing.

I pulled my shirt over my head, unable to ignore the fact the she – this exquisite, amazing woman – was looking at me as if I were something to be desired. Her hands drifted across my skin like a breeze, yet I knew she was that she was being forceful.

"You're beautiful," she whispered. "You're the one that is beautiful…p-perfect."

But I wasn't.

I was everything that she should fear.

Why the fuck wasn't she afraid?

"I'm not, Bella," I whispered. "You don't know…you don't know."

"I do…you are."

I followed her eyes as she looked down and I felt her hands on the metal buckle of my belt. She pushed and pulled until it was open and I had to force myself to calm down. I was overwrought with my need for this and terrified that in my delirious and almost frenetic state, that I would hurt her.

What if I hurt her?

I couldn't fucking hurt her.

Her fingers slipped into the denim waist of my jeans, her thumbs pressing on the button. She took in a deep breath and the warmth of it washed over my bare chest that hovered above her. My own arms trembled, not from the insignificant weight of my body, but from the truly meaningful understanding of what was about to take place if I allowed it.

She was allowing it.

She made it permissible.

"Please," I whispered. "Please."

"Yes…" she breathed. "God, yes."

She pushed the button through, the denim opening easy under her fingers as if it too were pleading for her touch. I could hear every single ridge of the zipper as she slid it down. It screamed at me – the same way my body cried out at the thought of not just someone, but her finally touching it. I had never wanted someone else's touch. It was a luxury that my existence had never afforded me.

I wanted her touch.

More than I'd ever wanted anything.

I wanted to know what it was like to feel her whole and naked body pressed against mine. I wanted to know what it would feel like to have my fingers slip inside her. I wanted to know the way she tasted on my tongue. Was her sweat just as sweet as her lips?

She wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling herself up to meet me. She kissed me again, this time with more passion and fire than before. I returned her kisses, meeting every brush of her lips and every sweep of her tongue with my own.

"Please," she said, biting down hard on my bottom lip. "Please….it's too much…I need to see you…to-to feel all of you."

"Yes," I hissed as I fell to the bed beside of her.

I reached down to remove my pants and her soft hands stopped my movement. She kneeled beside me, placing a kiss on my chest.

"Please, let me," she murmured. "I want to be the one that does it."

"Fuck," I rasped. "Anything."

And I meant it. I would allow her anything…give her anything.

I raised my hips as she removed my pants, her hands leaving a searing trail of fire as they touched my skin. My cock sprang free and for the first time in so fucking long, it was weeping with the thought of someone else touching it…tasting it. My mind spun at the thought of her mouth on me…kissing me…sucking me.

Would she want to do that?

There was nothing that I wanted more than to taste her.

To taste and lick and suck and kiss that secret part of her that was still hidden from me. I had not seen her there yet…and fuck, I wanted to so much.

He eyes grew large as she took me in. Gasping my name, she stared my sex that was so fucking hard it was almost painful. I had to force myself not to take it into my own hand.

"It's beautiful," she whispered. "Just like you. I want to…I mean…I want to touch it…I want to touch you."

Her words ripped through me and once again, touched the static, black of my silenced heart. I couldn't understand why…why the fuck this perfect creature would want me. But she was there, naked and magnificent and perfect in her beauty.

"Then touch me," I breathed. "Please, Bella…please, touch me."

The vision of her moving over me was powerful enough to shatter the stone of my body. I felt blessed in that moment to be able to capture and appreciate every part of her form. She settled herself on my thigh and I could feel the hot and wet of her arousal as she basted my skin. The smell of her sex – her desire for me – pervaded my senses that were all so completely heightened, deliciously on edge and trained on every perfect part of her.

Fuck, she was dipping.

For me.

Because of me.

I wanted to consume her.

I wanted to eat her alive.

"Your cock is beautiful," she whispered, grasping the base of it in her hand. "So fucking beautiful."

The sensation of her heat was maddening and my entire body shuddered as she swept her thumb over the head. I almost came from the feeling of that alone.

"What the fuck are you doing to me?" I softly cursed as she continued her movement. "Why the fuck do you want this?"

"Because I do," she whispered and I could feel the dewy heat of her breath as it covered my aching cock. "Because you're beautiful, Edward. This…" she said, squeezing me. "This is beautiful…and I want to taste it."

And I could not say no.

There were no other words spoken. I held my breath and steeled myself as she lowered her head, opening her mouth and taking me in. It was heat and wet and sucking fire as the flame of her tongue licked and burned and melted my ice. I felt like I was dying and living for the first fucking time. And it no longer mattered – my life or my death – as long as either was spent with the woman above me.

"Fuck, Bella…oh god…oh…oh…" I rambled incoherently, unable to form thought.

My mind suspended in this heaven and hell, where the pleasure she gave me was equally powerful as the need I had not to thrust in her mouth.

Don't move.

Don't move.

Don't fucking move.

I came undone the moment I felt her rub the sweet slick of her skin against my leg and I begged her to stop.

But she didn't.

She looked up at me, holding me in her hand, sucking me harder and taking me deeper until she was swallowing me down as I filled her hot, perfect mouth. The pleasure I felt – the pleasure she gave me – was nothing compared to ecstasy I found when I looked into her eyes.

I had never known joy.

Until that moment.

I sat up, pulling her to me, holding her chest against my chest and feeling her heart pound so strongly that it almost made me feel like my heart was beating, too. I covered her mouth, kissing her deeply and moaning her name as I tasted myself on her tongue. Foreign and unknown emotions flooded me for this woman…this fucking perfect and broken woman that I didn't know, but I wanted to.

I wanted to know everything about her.

I wanted to know what broke her and I wanted to piece her back together.

"You're so beautiful, Bella," I whispered roughly, kissing her everywhere and trying to contain the frantic feelings that surged through me like a wild and rapid river. I didn't want to scare her, but I found that I couldn't stop. "No one…what you just gave me….no one, Bella. No one but you."

I slid my arm underneath her, lifting her and placing her on the bed beneath me. She was a wisp of nothing in my arms, yet the weight of what she had just given me still pressed against every part of my being. No one had ever given me anything. I had been robbed of so much. But she gave, willingly, freely, without a thought of who I was…of what I was. I had never had that kind of acceptance. Not even before.

And now I would give.

And I would give as long as she allowed it.

I would give until I was forced to go.

My hands caressed her body and I watched, enraptured as her nipples hardened and her flesh reacted from the cool of my touch. She was panting beneath me the rhythm of her pulse filled the quiet room and to my listening ears, it was the most seductive song I'd ever heard.

Her body was a symphony.

But I wanted to make her sing.

Carefully…so fucking carefully, I pulled her to the edge of the bed and I fell on my knees before her. Her open eyes danced with dark excitement and I knew she understood what I wanted to do…what I fucking needed to do. My hands trembled with the anticipation of it. I kissed the inside of her knee before repeating the same process on the other side.

Kiss.

Lick.

Suck.

Kiss.

"Tell me, Bella," I murmured against her sensitive skin. "Tell me you want this."

"I want this, Edward," she said, her voice shaking. "I want this. I want you."

I couldn't feel the cool air of the night and yet my body trembled at her words.

"What do you want, Bella?" I asked her, spreading her legs. "Do you want my fingers? My mouth…my cock?"

I ran my hands along the inside of her milky thighs

"All of you," she breathed. "Every part…every piece."

Finally, I allowed myself to look at her…and the sight of her open and spread before me was more than I could handle. It fucking destroyed me to know that she would so willingly give herself to me like this. The barely-parted line of her pussy glistened with her seeping arousal. I breathed in deeply, savoring her heady fragrance that was sweeter than any blood I had ever tasted.

And I wanted to drink every single drop.

Slowly, I reached out, running my hand up and along her sex. My fingers stroked her smooth and swollen lips before caressing the small, soft patch of hair. She was so fucking feminine in her beauty and I found myself immersed in the sensation of what it was like to finally touch a woman. It had been so long...and the murky memories of my human existence could never have done her justice.

She was exquisite.

Her sex was divine.

"You're so beautiful, Bella," I rasped. "Your...your pussy is so fucking beautiful."

I slipped a finger barely inside her parted flesh and was surrounded by the feeling of liquid fire. I groaned as I felt her heat radiate throughout my entire body. Calming myself with the desperate need I had to make this good for her, I began to stroke her. My finger slid so easily along her skin and I didn't even know that I was whimpering until the sound of her own cries broke through my hazy consciousness.

"Does that feel good, Bella?" I asked gruffly. "Do my fingers feel as good as your perfect pussy?"

She continued to whimper and cry out before me.

"Tell me, Bella...please," I begged. "Tell me I make you feel good...that me...my hand makes you feel good."

"God," she moaned. "So good...so...uhh...so fucking good!"

I brought my other hand to her sex, spreading her pussy open with both of my thumbs. I leaned in and ran my nose along the entire length, breathing in her musky scent as my entire body trembled and shook with the devastating need I had to taste her...to suck and lick her...to devour her until her sheets were as wet as my mouth.

"It's amazing," I groaned. "You're so amazing and I want to feel you...to-to taste you."

She whimpered again, reaching down to grab my hair as he body writhed before me, the slick skin of her pussy pressing against my face.

But I wanted to make her scream.

"I want to make you come on my tongue the same way you made me come in your mouth."

"Fuck," she cried. "Please...oh, oh, god...please!"

"There!" I growled. "There it is...there you are."

I licked and lapped her, falling so deep that I didn't know if I could ever return. Her taste was beyond anything my limitless mind could have ever fathomed...all tender and sweet and fucking rich. The flavor of musk and citrus and woman and sex filled my head and never - not ever - did I want to taste anything else again.

I could have lived on her.

I pushed my finger inside her, massaging her carefully, but deliberately as I lavished her clit with my tongue. I wanted to feel her fall apart around me. She was so fucking tight and she felt so good, but nothing could compare to the euphoria of feeling her body spasm around me as she came.

"Edward!" she cried. "Oh…oh, Edward."

I made her come.

My name was on her lips.

Mine.

Fucking mine.

She pulled herself up and, reaching for me, grasping for me. I couldn't deny her…would never deny her anything after what we just shared. I rose up on my knees and met her hungry mouth as she kissed and licked and sucked my own. She was chaos and frenzy, her actions matching the beat of her heart. But as I wrapped my arms around her and deepened the kiss, I felt her body calm and her pulse slow. She whimpered softly, her breath filling my mouth and lungs as I breathed her in. And once again, I was astounded by how responsive she was to my touch.

I had never affected anyone.

I was never allowed to get close enough.

"I need," she whispered against my neck. "I…I need…"

"What?" I asked. "Anything."

"Hold me…please, Edward."

I came willingly to her bed…her arms. She settled in beside me, shivering in my cold embrace. I covered her with her quilt, praying to a god that wouldn't listen that the warmth would be enough. I couldn't let her go…didn't want to let her go. I stroked her hair and kissed the soft skin of her temple and listened to her deep and slowing breath. Her arm wrapped around my waist and her leg slid over and between mine – the moment was so tender that I would have cried if I were capable of tears.

But I wasn't.

"Edward?" she whispered.

"Yes," I said, my voice hoarse and full of emotion.

"I want you…you know… all of you," she said, kissing my chest. "But I'm so, so tired. I don't understand…I shouldn't be so tired."

"It's okay," I whispered, willing to hold her as long as she would still allow me. "We can wait."

"I'm so scared," she said.

My body tensed at her words.

Was she scared of me now?

Did she think that I would hurt her?

"Bella?" I asked, swallowing convulsively. "Why…why are you afraid?"

"I'm scared that when I wake up… you'll be gone."

Relief flooded me at her words, at the knowledge that she wasn't scared of me…of what I was. She should have been. I knew she fucking should have been, but I also knew that there was no way that I would ever, ever hurt her.

"I will still be here when you wake up, Bella," I told her, softly pressing my lips to her cheek. "I'll stay as long as you want me."

"I want you," she murmured sleepily through her yawn. "But you won't stay…no one stays. They all…"

She sighed heavily and I felt her fragile, perfect body sag against me.

"They all what?" I asked, not wanting to wake her, but needing to know what she was going to say. "What, Bella?"

"They leave," she whispered softly, sadly.

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"I won't."

I held her against me for another hour, watching the colors of her sleeping form change with the rising of the sun. My mind warred against itself as I thought about all the reasons that what I had done was so wrong, but I knew as I watched her that her acceptance had changed me. I didn't know what would happen when she woke up, but I knew that I would never be the one to leave.

She would have to make me go.

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I didn't know what time it was when I heard the thoughts…his thoughts.

They broke through the silence that her mind allowed me. He was coming inside without warning. His sense of entitlement was clear.

He had done this before.

His thoughts were of her…apologetic and hopeful. They were so blended and muddled that I couldn't get a clear understanding of what he was doing…until I heard his feet on the stairs.

He was coming to her…to her room.

I wanted to wake her, but there was no time. I couldn't allow him to see me…couldn't allow him to know. With lightning speed, I was out of the bed and dressed…taking one last moment to look at her and shaking with the pain of what I was about to do.

I had to leave.

Even though I told her I wouldn't.

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It was with a silent sob that I fled.

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A/N

Reviews are still love.

Not only that – they're pretty fucking awesome.

And they still make me write.

Thanks to my fic-wife, soulmate and beta extraordinaire, Marvar. I love you so hard, it's ridiculous. In fact, I love you as hard as Edward's peen. Thank you for making sure my words are pretty and for telling me that you think my smut is hot.

Thank you to Caren (Nerac) for pre-reading and making this (and every) chapter better. And thank you especially for doing it this week when you didn't feel well. *sending you chicken soup and robp0rn*

Thank to rainamd for reading and telling me that this chapter gave your husband a boner. Exactly the response I was hoping for.

And thank you to every person that has taken the time to read my words. The love and support for this story has been overwhelming!

As always, I don't own the characters, but they sure the fuck own me.