~/\~

~x~

~x~

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Chapter 5

The soft sound of knocking pulled me from my sleep and I didn't know why, but the most intense feeling of dissolution covered me. I felt lonely…even more alone than usual. I didn't know why, but I didn't have the time to address it because as I opened my sleepy eyes, I saw him standing, looming at my bedroom door.

"Jacob!" I screamed. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I was worried about you," he said. "About the way we left things last night. I don't want you to be upset with me."

"And you thought the best way to ensure that I wouldn't be upset with you was to sneak into my house at the fucking crack of dawn? Goddamn it Jacob, really?" I hissed.

I was suddenly, extremely aware of my state of undress as I clutched at the covers that were gathered around my chest. I looked back over at him, waiting for an explanation.

"For the record," he stated. "I didn't have to sneak in anywhere because you left the fucking door unlocked. How many times have I told you about that shit? Anyone could just walk in here."

"Are you kidding me with that?" I asked him. "It would seem that the only person I need to worry about coming into my house while I'm sleeping is you!"

He looked down and I could tell that he felt bad...that he was worried, but I couldn't really think about it. I needed him to go downstairs so that I could get dressed.

"I'm sorry, Bells," he said softly, all remnants of his ridiculous and uncalled for anger gone from his deep voice. "I'm just...fuck, I'm just sorry."

"Jake, could you um...could you please give me a minute to get dressed?" I asked him. "I'll meet you downstairs."

He looked at me and then he looked at the way I was holding the quilt. The reality that I was naked seemed to register with him as his eyes widened.

"Yeah, okay," he said, turning around and closing the door behind him.

Once he was gone, I fell back on the bed, still tired from the night before. I'd only been in been in bed for a few hours at the most, since it was just past dawn. I closed my eyes and thought about the Ouija board. Did that shit really happen?

It had.

I knew it fucking had.

I wasn't drunk and I knew that what transpired hadn't been a figment of my imagination. I wasn't that creative. I couldn't understand what it all meant. And if it happened, why did it happen to me? Why did he want to speak to me?

As I lay there, vivid images of my dreams came rushing back to me with such overwhelming lucidity, it took my breath away. I had dreamed about him...about Edward. And even though it was a dream, it had been the most intense sexual experience of my life. Nothing in my lackluster reality had ever come close.

I could still see him, pallid and perfect in the light of the moon.

"Edward," I whispered his name softly. Almost as if saying his name out loud would make him real.

I had never had a dream like that.

Not once.

Not ever.

It had been so fucking intense and it was almost as if I could still feel the way he'd held me, touched me…kissed me. I had never been able to recall a dream with such staggering clarity. As I lay there thinking about it, I realized that the memories of my dream were far more haunting than what had taken place on my porch. Not only had nothing in my past ever come close, but nothing or no one had ever made me feel the way that he'd made me feel.

I was really losing my fucking mind.

Shaking my head and rubbing my eyes, I rolled out of bed. I got dressed, pulling on a pair of jeans and a dark blue sweater. I walked out into the hall, pretending not to acknowledge the closed door before I walked into the bathroom.

Even though I did.

I always did.

I was still furious with Jacob as I washed my face and brushed my teeth. He knew I had to work tonight and I really needed to sleep in, but there was no way I could go back to sleep now. I silently prayed for rain so that it would be overcast and maybe I could catch a few hours of sleep in the afternoon.

I pulled my hair up in a rubber band as I walked down the stairs. He was there waiting for me, nervously tapping his foot as he sat on the couch in the living room. He looked worried and he should have been. This whole situation was fucked up. I knew he worried about me, but Christ, it was enough already.

"I'm really sorry," he told me again as he stood up. "Bells, I couldn't sleep last night thinking about how I'd upset you."

"I know," I told him. "But we have to have some boundaries. Not just about you coming over here unexpected…and uninvited," I added seriously. "What you said to me last night on the porch was fucked up, Jacob. It was fucked up and it was hurtful."

He looked down at me, his dark eyes blood-shot and distressed from his own lack of sleep. His long black hair that was usually pulled back neatly at his neck was hanging heavy down around his shoulders. The caramel of his skin looked even darker in early light of day. And although I was pissed, I could see that he was beautiful. He was beautiful and he was hurting too.

And I did that.

I made him hurt when all he'd ever done was love me.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I wish I had other words…better words, but Bella, I just don't. I feel like I'm always apologizing to you."

He took in a deep breath and tentatively reached out his hand in a wordless question. I looked down at it, and then back up at him before sliding my own small and cold hand into his warm, big one. We sat down on the couch together and I turned to face him.

"You…you just can't talk about them, Jacob," I said, swallowing back tears that I wouldn't allow myself to cry.

It didn't matter how many I'd shed, they were still there in what felt like this reserved, fucking pool that was bottomless. Filled completely and waiting to fall. It never got easier; the pain was always there, just as fresh and raw as it was the day before. It didn't matter how many days, months and years had passed – my chest still ached, and the fucking tears still fell.

I'd learned that I couldn't control the ache, but I could control the tears.

"I know," he said softly. "It just that…Bells, you know…"

"Stop," I interrupted him before he could continue. I knew what he was going to say and even though it was true, I didn't want to hear it. "Just don't. Okay?"

"Yeah," he whispered. "Okay, yeah."

We sat there in silence for a while, allowing the weight of everything to settle around us. I stared at our hands and shivered from the warmth that surrounded mine. He carried so much warmth with him. Not just in the heat of his body, but just him…who he was.

"I'm sorry that I woke you up," he said. "I can leave if you want. You can go back to sleep."

His thumb circled around the palm of my hand and the gesture made me uncomfortable. I offered him a sad smile as I took my hand away. I pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms tightly around myself.

"I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep now," I told him. "But Jake, we need to talk about you coming in here like this."

"I know I shouldn't have," he argued. "But I was worried about you."

"I get that, but this is my house…and I was sleeping. And even though you are my best friend and you are always welcome here, this was just…well, it was just inappropriate."

I bit down on my bottom lip as my eyes focused on a loose thread that was hanging from his black shirt. Why did this have to be so complicated? Why did he have to make this so complicated?

"Why?" he asked. "Why is my being here inappropriate? I didn't do anything wrong, Bella."

"Things are just different now, Jake," I told him, reaching out to pull at the loose thread and wrapping it around my finger until the tip was deep red with blood. "You know things are different. You know what I mean."

He reached down, taking my hand in his and pulling my finger free of the binding string. It stung a little as the circulation came back. He pulled my finger up to his lips and kissed it softly.

"Stop that," he whispered. "And tell me…why are things different?"

"This," I told him pulling my hand back to my own lap. "This…what you just did…this is what's different."

"What? I can't be affectionate now?" he asked. "You're my best friend, Bella. You're my family. You're seriously telling me that I can't…that I shouldn't touch you?" He lowered his voice. "That you don't want me to kiss you?"

I looked in his eyes that were so full of passion and sorrow and just the fucking pain of the rejection I'd given him time after time.

"Not when it means something different to you than it means to me."

"I don't accept that," he challenged. "You know what I think?"

He turned to face me fully and as he moved, I could smell the warm, musky scent of his fragrance. I could feel the heat radiating from his body. I watched as he slowly brought his hands to my face, cupping my cheeks.

"I think that you're scared."

"Of what?" I whispered. "Nothing scares me. Not…not anymore."

"You're scared of this," he said, reaching down and placing his hand over my heart. "You're scared of me…of what…of what I could mean to you if you just let it happen."

I could feel the panic in me rising and I knew that he could feel the pounding of my heart. My mouth was suddenly dry and his proximity was making me nervous and uncomfortable.

"It would be so easy, Bella," he whispered. "We would be so fucking easy. It would be natural…just like falling. Like the way it felt the first time we cliff-dived together. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah," I whispered. "I don't own many memories that don't involve you in one way or another, Jacob. But just because we would be…easy…well, that doesn't mean that we should be together. You deserve someone that will love you."

I watched him as he swallowed convulsively. I could feel the pressure of his fingers against my neck…could smell the spicy cinnamon of his breath that sighed across his face. And it was almost too much. Too hard. This was too fucking hard and for a moment, he was right. He would be easy and he would love me so fucking much.

"You do love me," he breathed. "Maybe not like that. Not yet, but Bella…Bella, you could."

I closed my eyes and when I did the most surreal feeling came over me. It wasn't Jacob I saw behind my lids. It was him. It was Edward. Or at least the Edward I'd created in my mind. His hands were on my skin. His wintery breath was on my face. He was beautiful and perfect…just like his touch. He was right and nothing – no one – not even Jacob would ever be able to live up to that.

And he was a fucking dream.

Or a ghost.

And my too-tired mind couldn't begin to process what that meant. Because it couldn't mean that I was completely sane.

I opened my eyes and when I looked back at Jacob, I knew that I had allowed this to go too far. He looked hopeful…his eyes looked hopeful. And once again – just like every other time – I broke his heart.

"I do love you, Jacob," I said, placing my hands over his. "But not like that."

I pulled away and stood up, giving us the distance that we needed from the intense moment. It was too overwhelming and I simply couldn't deal with it.

Not again.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the coffee from the freezer and began to make a pot. Jacob followed me in and stood there, leaning against the frame of the door. I went about my busy work, trying to occupy my shaking hands.

"Yeah, well…you're okay," he said emotionlessly and my heart screamed at me to make it better. But there was nothing that I could do to make it better. Anything I said or did would only make it worse. "I'm gonna get out of here. You'll have to forgive me for not staying. I don't think I can sit here and have coffee with you like it's just another day."

I felt the tears spring into my eyes and I bit down hard on the inside of my jaw so that I wouldn't cry out. As I tasted the bitter salt of the blood in my mouth, I fought off the nausea that came along with the overwhelming sense of pain that I was hurting him again…even if it was for his own good.

"I understand," I offered so quietly that I wondered if he could hear me. It was only when I turned around and saw his deep, dark eyes that were anguished and rejected that I knew he had heard. Not just the apology – but everything else.

"I'll…I'll see you later, Bella."

"I do love you, Jacob," I said, knowing I shouldn't have said the words, but unwilling to let him leave without making my feelings clear.

"I know you do," he said hoarsely. "Just not enough."

And with those words, he turned around and left.

~x~

~x~

~x~

I stood there silently for a few moments before grabbing my purse and keys from the counter and heading outside. As I drove, I thought about Jacob, about the night before…about my dream. I couldn't understand how the lines between reality and fantasy could have mixed and blurred so much. I knew what happened on the porch with the Ouija board had actually taken place. I was still awake and someone – someone named Edward – was talking to me. He was communicating with me. At least, I thought he was. Was it possible that in my own need to talk to someone, I had created the whole scene in my mind?

No.

It had been real.

I wasn't moving the planchette.

What wasn't real was the dream that had taken place after. It just seemed so fucking real. As I looked out on the empty road before me, I could see the images of last night as they played out in intricate and impassioned detail again. I could see his face. I could hear his voice and fuck, I could feel the way his hands felt against my skin….the way his body moved over and under me.

I could remember every single moment as if it were real.

What I couldn't understand was why.

Why did I dream about him? About a ghost? Or better yet, why would I have a sexual dream about a ghost? Was Jacob right? What I really running away from him because I was afraid of how I might really feel about him? I had never thought so. And had I – with so much effort and determination – created the perfect man in my mind because I knew that Jacob could never live up to that? The more I thought about it, the more frustrated I became. Because that is exactly what he had been.

Perfection.

He knew me…my body, my wants and my needs. He had known how to touch me and kiss me and make my body flame under his touch. And I had been bold and assured…so much more than I had ever been in any other sexual experience of my life. Any real sexual experience of my life. I had been desirable and he… he had desired me.

"It was a dream, Bella," I said to myself as I parked the truck. "A fucking dream!"

I stepped out of the truck, the cool, wet air of the morning causing me to shiver and wish that I had worn more than a sweater. I walked around to the front, crawling up on the hood and looking out over the mossy, green grass. I tucked and curled my legs under me and pulled at my sleeves until they were covering my fists and I just stared into the open space.

Maybe this time, my inability to move forward wouldn't be mocking.

Maybe – just fucking maybe – today I would be able to go.

I could count on both hands the number of times that I had made it past the pavement of the parking lot and only once – only one fucking time – had I been by myself. Every other time had been with Jacob. He would hold my hand and wrap me up in the safe, strong, warmth of his arms and he would walk the path with me. He would walk it with me and not say a word, only offering his shoulder for me to cry on…his presence so I wouldn't feel alone in this place that reminded me that I had been abandoned.

Why wasn't I in love with him?

The uneasy feeling of someone watching settled over me. I looked around, wondering if he would know that I'd come. I didn't see his car and in the grey and smoky fog of the morning, I saw nothing and no one else. There was just me…me and my thoughts. And so I started speaking them out loud.

"It doesn't get any easier. It makes me think that it never will and maybe…maybe something is wrong with me. Most people aren't like this," I laughed softly, bitterly. "You always told me that I was different…special. You always told me that I was going to be something great, something bigger. And I'm just…not."

The clouds were colorless and they cloaked the morning in a way that almost felt oppressive. I could feel the heavy mist as it settled around me – could hear the quiet tremble of thunder in the distance. Rain was inevitable. Just like so many other things. The moisture that seeped into the strands of my hair was contrasted by the warm, wet tears that fell down my cheeks. Funny, how I didn't even realize that I was crying. I supposed that tears were inevitable, too.

"I wish that you could tell me what to do about Jacob. He thinks that…well, he thinks that you would want me to choose him. But I don't think I have a choice. I think that it – that love – chooses us. It does, doesn't it? I have never felt that for him…not that I've felt it for anyone else. And I know what you're probably thinking. You're thinking that I haven't allowed it to happen. And maybe that's true to some extent, but I'm just…I'm just not so sure."

A loud crack of thunder echoed through the trees on the edges of the clearing. It startled me, but not enough to move. A storm was definitely coming. It just wasn't coming yet. There was a crackling electricity that surrounded me…I could feel it as it buzzed and pulsed in the air. And even though it was cold and the fabric covering me was saturated with dew, something in that moment filled me with warmth.

"I have to go now. I wish…I wish that this time could have been different. I wish…I wish for so many things," I whispered. "But wishing doesn't matter."

I stretched out my legs before me, feeling the cold metal of the truck through my jeans. I could hear the caw of a crow in the distance and I remembered him telling me that birds were unaware of when a storm was coming. They couldn't sense changes in the weather – only in the climate. "Birds knew when to move on," he'd said. And when a storm came, they always found sanctuary.

Where was mine?

I needed to find mine.

~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~

The rest of the morning passed in a haze of mundane activity and nothingness. The rain started pouring around noon and it never once let up. I kept myself busy with errands that needed to be accomplished and I met Rose for lunch on her break at the diner.

"You look like shit, Bella," she said matter-of-factly.

"Fuck you."

"No, I mean it," she pressed. "What the hell happened?"

"Jacob happened."

She gave me an understanding look.

"What happened with Jacob?"

"He showed up at the house at the fucking crack of dawn," I told her. "That's what happened."

"And…?"

"And he told me that he loved me, alright?" I said. "Again."

She took a drink of her tea and looked at me for a long moment.

"And you're sure that you don't…that you can't love him?" she asked in a tone of voice that was far more concerning that sarcastic. "I mean, we all just assumed that you did…or would."

"No!" I exclaimed. "And who is 'we all?'"

"I don't know. Me, Alice…Emmett," she said. "It just makes sense. You know?"

"No, I don't know," I told her. "Does it make sense like you telling Emmett that you're in love with him?"

"Fuck you."

"That's what I thought."

She pushed her food around her plate and looked back up at me.

"I'm not, you know…in love with him."

"I know," I lied.

There was a stretch of silence between us before she finally spoke again.

"And even if I was…it wouldn't matter."

"Why wouldn't that matter?" I asked, surprised that she was willing to talk about it.

"Because, I'm not willing to share."

"Maybe you wouldn't have to," I told her. "Maybe he would…"

"He wouldn't," she snapped. "Let's just drop it."

I looked out the window as the rain poured down the glass. There was something so…just off about the day. And it wasn't just the way that it had begun. There was a heaviness, a blackness that covered every piece of my existence. It felt like something was missing…vanished. Only I didn't know what it was…or where to find it.

"Rose?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever remember your dreams?"

"Sometimes."

"Do you ever really remember them?"

"Like in detail?"

"Yeah," I said. "Like in vivid detail."

"No," she said. "Why? Do you?"

"Not always, but I had a dream last night…"

My face flushed as I remembered the dream…as I remembered Edward and the way he made me feel. The things he did to me…the things I did to him.

"Like a sex dream?" she asked. "Spill. Was it about Jacob?"

"No. It was not about Jacob," I hissed. "Seriously? Do you ever listen to me?"

"Jesus Christ. Calm the fuck down," she said. "It's not like a sex dream about Jacob would be terrible. I'll bet he's really great in bed. Plus, I'm sure his dick is fucking huge. Hell, even I wouldn't mind that dream."

"Well, then…maybe you should dream about him."

"I might," she chided. "Who was it about?"

"I don't know," I lied again. Well, it wasn't really a lie since I'd created him in my mind. "I didn't know him."

"You didn't know him," she repeated, as if she were trying to understand what I meant.

"No. I didn't know him. And he was…god, he was perfect."

"Perfect as in Adonis perfect?" she asked. "Or perfect as in he made you come ten times?"

"Perfect as in perfect," I sighed. "And I remember every fucking detail, Rose. It's crazy."

I don't know why I felt the need to share this with her. Maybe I just wanted to get it out there so that I didn't feel so insane. And I wasn't even telling her the whole truth. She would really think I'd lost my mind if I told her what happened after she left the night before. But that shit really happened. No one would ever convince me that it was imagined. Someone – Edward – spoke to me.

"Well, you know what I think this means, don't you?"

"No."

"It means that you need to get laid, Bella," she said. "We dream because our reality isn't fulfilling."

"Did you read that in a fortune cookie?"

"No, bitch," she smirked. "I don't need a fortune cookie to tell me you need a little more dick in your life."

"Oh, and you have so much dick in yours?"

"No. But I am not the one dreaming about some random dude fucking me."

"He didn't fuck me," I told her and then I blushed.

"Are you telling me that you had a sex dream with no actual sex?" she cackled. "Only you would dream about a dick that never made its way inside you, Bella."

"Can you stop saying dick?" I asked in a hushed voice. "This is a family place."

"Fine," she said. "I need to get back to work anyway. We can finish discussing D-I-C-K tonight at the bar. It's a more cock-friendly place anyway."

I threw some money on the table and stood up. Rose hugged me tight and as she did, she whispered in my ear, "Don't stress over the whole Jacob thing. It will all work itself out."

"How do you know?" I asked.

"Because everything always does."

~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~

I found myself back home, soaking wet from the rain as I ran inside. I started stripping my clothes off at the door as I made my way upstairs to the bathroom. I was freezing. I turned the water to the shower on and let it heat up while I pulled some towels from the closet in the hall. I shivered as I walked back into the bathroom and it wasn't from the cold. I got the distinct feeling that someone was there…watching me.

Wrapping myself up, I walked back out, wondering if Jacob had decided to make another surprise appearance.

Nothing.

There was nothing.

Fuck, I really was losing my mind.

I crawled into the shower and stood directly under the hot and steamy spray of the water. The intense pressure relaxed my tense and aching muscles and as the sultry heat swirled around me, I began to feel so tired. The late night, the restless sleep and the early morning that turned into a stress-filled day had really taken its toll on me. It was around three, which would give me time to get a couple hours rest before I had to be to work.

I turned off the water as soon as my body felt completely warmed through. I dried myself off and padded into my bedroom, setting the alarm on my phone to wake me up at six. The sound of the rain was comforting as it relaxed my racing mind. There was so much to think about, but that would all have to wait. I needed to sleep…my body was begging for it.

A loud crash of thunder hit and startled me, shaking the panes of my window.

The storm was here.

And just like the crow, I was not expecting it.

I pulled the covers over my head, breathing in deeply the aroma of my soap and the warmth of my own body heat. It was then that I smelled it – the fragrance of my dream.

Winter and ocean and fire and ice.

I sucked in another deep breath, holding the air in my lungs until they burned. As I released my breath, I felt my body sink deeper into the mattress. There was something so comforting…so deeply fulfilling about the way that he smelled. And I was so grateful that I could remember.

"Edward," I whispered his name.

And just as sleep and the divine rest that I needed began to claim me, I heard the muffled sound of my name.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"Bella."

~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~

A/N

Reweiws are love.

Please leave me some.

I'm not even kidding when I tell you that they make me write.

So much love and thanks to my beta and ficwife, Marvar. I will always need you more than you need me. I love you...and only a little bit for your Robp0rn collection. :)

Thank to Caren (Nerac) and rainamd for pre-reading and for their lovely suggestions and feedback. You make my chapters better.

HUGE thanks to The Fictionators for reviewing and recc'ing What Speaks in Darkness this week! And thank you to the lovely and incomparable, quietruby for being the best guest reviewer I could ever ask for. I might have screamed in my office when I read and scared the people who work for me. So, not even kidding.

Sorry for the delay in the chapter. I was completely sick with the flu and in bed for four days. But I did read quite a bit, so…

Here are my recc's this week:

Ladder to the Sun by Rosybud: I was not sold on this fic at all, but Bellamarie117 and twistedcoincidence convinced me to give it a go. Let me just tell you that I could NOT stop reading. It's a wonderful and compelling love story about learning to live on your own terms. And learning to let go and love who you are. I was captivated the whole time!

The Cube by Sdfreeze: So, my soulmate, Marvar told me to read this because it was funny and since I do whatever she tells me…I read before I went to sleep last night. Well, I was up until three reading this fic that made me laugh my ass off. One of my favorite Bellas that I've had the pleasure of reading. So funny, with absolutely no verbal-filter. If that isn't enough to sell you. She has a nickname for Jessica Stanley. "CuntSwayLow" LMFAO! Best thing EVER!

Please read and leave them some love. Tell them Cosmo sent you!