Grey Eyes
4. Ash and Paper
Once home at Grimmauld Place, Walburga marched Sirius to his room and slammed the door, locking it behind her. He had only gotten the briefest glimpse of green adorning the railing and the archways of the home, reminding him that Christmas was meant to be a cheerful time of year. He shuffled over to his bed and stiffly sat down on the edge, swallowing past a lump that had formed in his throat. He felt thin and frail, as if his flesh and bones were actually ash and paper. Had that really just happened? Had his mother really just yelled at his best friend, told him that they could no longer be friends, and embarrassed him in front of dozens of Wizarding families? Something about the scene felt surreal, as if it had happened to someone else, or else in a dream. It couldn't be real, for if it was real, he would be empty inside.
He looked out the window that faced the vacant lot behind the house. The flat patch of earth was covered in stubby grasses, a few small shrubs, and an elm that had grown swiftly into a flourishing tree. While he knew the Muggle business that bought the land had intended to build on it before the neighborhood had taken a downward turn, he was glad that they never got the chance. The sight of green life so near at hand comforted hm.
The realization that his mother hadn't collected Regulus at the train station, and that he hadn't even seen his brother, reminded Sirius of Bellatrix's taunting words. His parents were no longer treating the two the same. Regulus had somehow morphed into someone other than his little brother.
The year that Sirius was in Hogwarts and Regulus wasn't had given him time to bond with his parents in a way that Sirius couldn't understand. Growing up, the two had been raised as twins since they were hardly a year apart. Looking back now, Sirius saw the differences in their personalities and behavior starker than they ever were before. Regulus was the quiet one who ran crying to his mother over everything and anything that didn't go in his favor, even a game of Muggle football between him and his brother. Sirius was the one who was always coming up with new ideas, like riding a mattress down the stairs and fibbing to his parents to avoid lectures. Regulus treated his parents as if they could do no wrong, while Sirius knew from a very young age that if he could avoid confrontation with them, he would.
He had never paid much attention to the differences between himself and his brother before. He had accepted them as part of life. They were very different people, despite their closeness in age. And now that he thought about it, his mother had started to treat them as different people several years ago. When he was sorted into Gryffindor. His sorting had been a joke at first, something his family would tease him about at the dinner table. But after Regulus was sorted into Slytherin a year later, the joke stopped being funny and Sirius avoided talking about anything to do with his House for the sake of avoiding it altogether. And his parents stopped asking. The past three Christmas holidays had been filled with his parents asking Regulus questions about his life at Hogwarts. Sirius had never minded before because he was equally interested in the answers. His brother so rarely interacted with him at school that he felt he had a hole in his chest where Regulus used to be, waiting to be filled up again.
It wasn't until Bellatrix had taunted him that he realized the hole would never be filled. He would never be Regulus' twin again. His brother had been trying to separate himself from his brother the moment he saw how awkwardly his parents had treated his sorting into Gryffindor. When Sirius had asked Regulus to sit with him several days ago, he had been trying to bring Regulus into his group of friends. He had wanted to share adventures with him again. But instead, Severus and the other Slytherins had laughed at one of their own sitting at their rival House's table. When even Peter Pettigrew chuckled, Regulus had shot Sirius a look as if he thought Sirius had orchestrated the whole thing just to hurt him.
He had never felt more stupid in his life. He really was the pitiable, idiot of the family. Regulus was the clever one who had seen how to please his parents from the time he was three-years-old and told on Sirius for sneaking a stray cat into the house and trying to hide it under his bed. His mother had killed the cat then scolded Sirius for crying and begging her to bring it back to life. Regulus had sat on his bed, watching the whole scene without getting involved..
It was over. Regulus was lost. He'd been slowly tearing his heart out of his brother's reach for years and Sirius had been too naïve to even notice. His feelings for his little brother hadn't changed and never would: he would always love the little boy who had been his shadow and his partner in so many flights of fancy. And Sirius was determined to keep loving him even now that they were older and had grown apart. Even now when his parents were playing favorites and his mother was intentionally isolating them. For if he held onto that love long enough, he hoped there might come a day when Regulus would change and welcome him back with open arms and that goofy smile he used to always wear.
The door closed downstairs and Sirius could hear his mother's high-pitched voice as she welcomed Orion and Regulus home. He treaded over to his door and listened at the crack. "My goodness," his mother was crooning. "How you've grown!" She shifted her tone as she addressed her husband. "You two certainly took your time."
"Since I picked him up at the Hogsmeade station, we thought we might head into the village for a quick peek. Buy some presents. Get some spiced apple cider at Honeydukes."
"Did you?" Walburga asked Regulus in a high pitched tone that was now reserved only for her youngest.
"It wasn't as good as it was last year," Regulus responded, his voice cracking a little. Sirius hadn't even known that his brother's voice was changing.
"Bit too much cinnamon," Orion chuckled.
"Where's Sirius?" Regulus asked as the conversation moved into the parlor.
"He's upstairs. Why don't you go get washed up for dinner? I can't wait to hear what you've been up to."
Regulus' step could then be heard on the stair as he headed for his room.
Walburga lowered her voice and Sirius had trouble making out what she said. "…Were gone too long… you don't know what trouble he's already been. Had to lock him in his room for the time being. I don't want him seeing…"
"Potter?" Orion asked, his voice clearer than Walburga's. "That is odd. What business is it of theirs?"
"I'd take action against them if I thought it would amount to anything," Walburga said. "Confronting me at the platform like that. It's unheard of."
"Indeed." Orion sighed. His heavy foot fell on the stairs and Sirius backed away from the door and sat down on his bed, trying to erase his fear and worry from his face as his father paused outside his door and unlocked it with his wand. The door swung open and Orion Black, a handsome man who many mistook for a Spaniard, fixed his son with a stern glare. "I hear you're giving your mother trouble."
Sirius brushed his bangs out of his eyes and kept his voice quiet. "I didn't mean to."
Orion sighed and crossed his arms over his chest and as Sirius looked at him, he couldn't stop his lower lip from trembling, knowing that the man he used to use as a jungle gym, the man who had taught him how to play Quidditch, had intentionally picked his brother up and taken him out for a treat while ignoring his other son. Sirius bit his lip in an attempt to bite back the tears he knew wanted to come. He had never felt such a deep, cold pain in his chest. "When will we know your marks?"
It took Sirius a moment to process what his father had asked. "After Christmas."
"Will they be good?"
Sirius didn't know what to say. He almost always received O's. "They ought to be."
"Good. We're not paying for you to mess about at school, you know. You're there to study and make a name for yourself, like your brother is."
Sirius eyed his hands in his lap. "I know."
Orion narrowed his eyes at his son's defeated tone. "You seem upset."
Sirius swallowed hard and wished his father would stop talking, for if he continued, he'd break down in tears. Sirius shrugged in response, still looking at his hands, the memory that he could've had of getting cider with his father and brother stabbing him in the chest.
"Well, dinner is in twenty minutes." With that, he left Sirius' room, leaving the door open. Sirius looked up once his father was gone. At least he was now free to roam the house if he pleased. "Oh, and Sirius," his father's voice broke into his thoughts, startling him as he stepped back to the doorway. "Don't think we've forgotten about that cruel prank you played on your brother at school. We'll discuss your punishment later."
Sirius wanted to argue but was so broken inside that he knew the moment his father raised his voice in retribution, he would shatter. The last thing he wanted his father to see were tears. Sirius nodded and Orion scrutinized him a few seconds longer before leaving him alone.
Methodically, Sirius took off his robes and sweater then started for dinner in his collared shirt and black pants. He was sure to tuck in his shirttails before he headed downstairs, hoping that the effort would soften his parents' looks. He could hear Regulus' voice even from his room, and as he neared, he realized that his little brother was already regaling his mother with stories about the past three months. Walburga was listening with a smile as she flicked her wand, helping Kreacher by levitating the dishes onto the table. Her smile slipped slightly when she spotted Sirius coming into the room. Regulus paused and glanced at his brother over his shoulder. "Hi, Sirius," he said, sounding a bit too much as if it was an effort. "How was the train?"
Sirius rested his hands on the back of a chair. "Fine." He wanted to ask how Honeydukes was but he didn't have the strength. He was tired inside and with the sense of exhaustion came a pleasant numbness that he hoped would stay. "Did you –"
"So then what happened, Reg?" Walburga cut Sirius off.
Regulus turned back to his mother and continued with a smile, recounting the tale of how he had been the first in his class to properly brew a potion. Sirius slipped into his seat and watched Kreacher set out goblets. The House Elf could hardly reach the table and when he had trouble setting Sirius' goblet down, Sirius helped him, only to have Kreacher mumble about how he didn't help from "dirty children."
Once the family had gathered, Sirius listened to Regulus' stories of what he'd been up to since September. Every once in a while, his brother would shoot Sirius a look, as if trying to gauge his brother's reactions to what he was saying, but Sirius was too focused on forcing himself to eat to meet his brother's gaze.
Orion laughed as Regulus stated that even his cousin Bellatrix had laughed at a joke he'd cracked in the Slytherin common room. "She's hilarious, that one," he chuckled. "Always fun to be around."
"It's a shame she'll be leaving after this year," Regulus said.
"There's always the holidays," Walburga added.
"I suppose," Regulus said. "And there's still about six months left in the –"
"May I be excused?" Sirius loudly asked.
Everyone turned to look at him and Walburga slightly cocked her head. "Don't interrupt your brother."
Regulus waited a moment then continued. "As I was saying, there's still six months left in –"
"Then I am leaving the table," Sirius interrupted again, rising to his feet.
"Sirius Black," his father snapped. "Sit back down."
"No, I've finished, and if it's all the same to you, I've heard enough lies about how 'pleasant' our cousin is to be around."
"Oh?" Regulus asked incredulously.
Sirius locked eyes with his brother. "She tried to hex me, Reg. She wanted to hurt me."
Regulus' eyes darkened with a flare of loyalty for his brother. "She hurt you?"
"No, she –" Sirius managed before his mother cut him off.
"He's exaggerating, Regulus, as he always is. Your cousin would never harm her flesh and blood."
"Yes, she would," Sirius countered, raising his voice an octave. "Annie told me she's failing all her classes because she's so obsessively practicing the Dark Arts. She might not even –"
"Annie? Who is Annie?" Orion asked.
"Annie O'Hare," Sirius said. "She was my friend first year, remember?"
His parents were staring at him as if he were asking them to breathe underwater. "I don't know what you're talking about, Sirius," Orion said. "But Bellatrix is my niece and it would behoove you not to tell such lies."
"I'm your son," Sirius said softly.
"And?" Orion asked, glancing about as if amused.
"It would behoove you to remember that I wouldn't lie to you," Sirius said. His mother snorted. Regulus glanced anxiously between his parents.
"You wretched little brat," Walburga half spat and half chuckled. "You've been a liar since the day you were born."
"No, he hasn't," Regulus cut in.
"You're too young to remember," Orion mumbled.
"Too young?" Sirius asked. "We're hardly a year apart!"
"Don't raise your voice at your father," Walburga snapped, tossing down her napkin. "I am so tired of your lies, Sirius. So tired of what you've put this family through."
Sirius sank back down into his seat. "But I haven't done anything."
Regulus' eyes went to Sirius' chest and he realized that he was still wearing his Gryffindor tie.
Sirius rested a hand on the silk. "This? Is this what I've put you through? Being sorted into Gryffindor when I was eleven-years-old? As if I had a choice?"
"You always have a choice," Orion mumbled as he took a sip of his wine.
"Then I'm sorry that I'm not perfect," Sirius said in a rush. "I'm sorry that I'm not like Regulus. We're different. I'm different. And I'm sorry if that upsets you but I'm trying as hard as I can to make you happy." Walburga let out another incredulous snort and Sirius looked to his mother, feeling like a crank was tightening inside, threatening to tear his ash and paper body. "I have, Mum," he said so quietly that it was almost inaudible. "I'm just never good enough for you because… because… I don't know why. But I get better marks than him," he pointed at Regulus, "I'm a Chaser on the Quidditch team –"
"Don't compare yourself to your brother," Orion cut him off with a wave of his hand. "This isn't a contest, Sirius."
"Yes, it is," Sirius continued, his voice still non-confrontationally quiet. "That's exactly what it is. And I'm losing. Because nothing I do pleases you."
"No argument there," Walburga mumbled before taking a bite of her pudding.
Sirius stared at his mother for several long seconds that felt like hours, while she returned his gaze with an almost innocent expression. He looked down at his plate, at his half-eaten meal, and knew that if he was in the room with his family for a second longer, he would suffocate. So he slowly rose, pushed his chair back in and quietly headed to his room upstairs. The dining room behind him remained quiet until he reached his doorway when he heard his father clear his throat and say, "He always has to cause a scene."
"I can't believe how rude you were," Regulus said to his mother as Sirius entered his room. His mother was snipping out some sort of tidy explanation when Sirius closed his door, not wanting to hear any more.
To his surprise, James' little family own was perched on his windowsill, a letter in its beak. Sirius opened the window and took the envelope from the owl before feeding it a treat. The bird cooed after it downed the snack then took off. Sirius let his memories of dinner empty from his mind as he tore open his friends' letter, hoping for plenty of words to distract him from his own thoughts, but instead, there were only three: Are you alright?
Sirius stared at the piece of parchment for so long that his hand began to shake. When he realized the parchment was rattling, he grabbed a quill and scrawled No below James' question. He called the owl back to his window and folded up the letter, holding it out to the owl to return. The raptor took the paper into its beak then departed.
After an hour or two had passed, Sirius convinced himself to bathe. He knew he couldn't sleep if he was hungry, so he slipped downstairs to drink a glass of milk. As he headed back upstairs, he passed the sitting room and spotted his mother and Regulus seated on the couch, listening to his father reading an article summarizing Tom Riddle's latest speech. Regulus looked tired and was leaning his head against his mother's shoulder. Walburga reached up and began to absently stroke her son's hair. Sirius' scalp tingled as he watched the scene, remembering how she used to do the same to him when he was small. Walburga kissed the top of Regulus' head before resting her cheek against it.
The sight of his family looking so happy without him, so functional, and his mother being so affectionate, was breaking his heart. His throat tightened, and this time the thin walls of his ash and paper body smoldered from the pain in his chest. He padded upstairs as quickly and quietly as he could, choking out a gasp that he couldn't hold in any longer. Once in his room, he shut the door then leaned against it, sagging to the floor and hugging his knees as sob after sob tore from his throat.
James' owl was waiting outside his window with his friend's reply, but Sirius grabbed a pillow and hurled it at the window, frightening the owl away before crawling atop his mattress like a wounded animal, unable to even see through the haze of his anguish. James couldn't help him now. The only people who could were downstairs, happy to pretend he didn't even exist.
Please let me know what you think!
Also, if you'd like a more lighthearted and comical take on the Marauders' 4th year at Hogwarts, be sure to check out my other fic "Managing Mischief"! :)