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Chapter 12

I'd never felt complete or whole.

Ever.

I'd never felt as if I belonged anywhere…with anyone. It had always, always been that way. Even from the beginning of my existence – this limitless and never-ending existence. And even before that, in my human life, I had always been searching for more…something bigger than what I was. For heroism, for glory, for power…and even love. And in the end…my need for something more took everything away.

Including my life.

I don't know if I can explain the way it felt to stand there in her home – Bella's home – and feel the gift of her acceptance. To hear her say the words…to feel her warm, wet lips on my skin…to be encircled by her arms as she opened them and embraced me. It was the most freeing experience I'd ever had. Yet at the same moment, by the same declaration and offering, I found that the most freeing thing was actually binding. With every touch and every word, my stone walls fell away and I was left with the need to be with her forever.

Forever.

And our forevers were completely different.

And still…I wanted.

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I thought nothing could compare to her taste…the way her soft, pink flesh felt against my tongue. The way she whimpered and moaned and writhed underneath my fingers as they stroked her…touched her…and pushed her over the edge.

I was wrong.

I was so fucking wrong.

Because nothing – nothing could have prepared me for the feeling of entering her. The feeling of my cock sliding into warmth and wet – the slick and perfect of her pussy. I begged her not to look away…and she didn't. Her eyes held mine, wide and open like her legs, while her walls clamped down around my shaft…pulling me in deeper…taking me in further…until I was completely and entirely lost in her.

Her body.

Her heat.

Her heart and her soul.

I wish I could say that I was afraid I would hurt her, but I wasn't. The wide expanse of my mind, usually so adept at processing everything around me, was only able to focus on her and the way that she felt against me…the way that I felt inside her. It was all too much…so much.

Making love to Bella was everything.

It wasn't until I felt the pounding of her heart, so much quicker than before, that I began to notice my own surroundings. I was gripping her tightly, as her back and body tensed and arched in my arms. I looked down between us and watched as my cock pushed in and out of her. I could hear the sound of skin sliding…could feel every tremor and shiver of her body. I could see the slick and shiny coat of moisture on my skin. She was so fucking wet for me and the thought of that only made me push harder and deeper – wanting so much to just be as connected to her as possible.

I reached between us, finding her clit and rubbing it, wanting so much to make her come…wanting even more to make her scream my name as she did. And it was so primal and raw to see my hand on her pussy, my body inside her as I pushed over and over again as her legs wrapped around me.

"I'm not going to last," I cried. "It's so…you're so…god, it's so fucking good."

And that's when it happened.

I made the mistake of looking back to her face – her whimpers and cries compelling me to see the evidence of how I was making her feel. I needed to know that it was the same for her as it was for me. But I was not greeted with her beautiful face, instead, I was met with the long and creamy white length of her neck as her head fell back in passion and an ecstasy that I was sure had only ever happened between the two of us. Her pale skin, hot and damp with the sheen of her sweat covered the line of her blue artery that was pumping almost exactly to the rhythm of my cock.

And it was too much.

It was so much that the only thing I could think of was that I wanted to bite her. I wanted to sink my teeth into her flesh. I wanted to break open her skin and feel the hot pulsing of her blood on my tongue…wet and warm and thick like her pussy. I wanted it so fucking much…and not because I wanted to drink from her…no, this wasn't about bloodlust. It was because I wanted more than anything to change her and take her – to make her like me and keep her with me forever.

My forever.

Our forever.

I wanted it to be the same.

And I wanted it with her.

Her body spasmed in my arms, her pussy clenching my cock as she came all around me forcing my own release inside her. I felt her dripping and covering me, could hear the saturation of the sheets beneath us as they absorbed the evidence of our lovemaking, but it wasn't until I heard her scream my name that I understood exactly how close I had come in my own euphoric passion, to ending her life. Her perfect and beautiful and precious, fucking life.

And that was not mine to take.

She went completely limp in my arms, her eyes closed and her body collapsed on the bed. I panicked as I held her, searching her face and looking for any sign of injury. Her breathing was slow, but steady…and I could feel and hear the uneven thumping of her heart that was still pounding.

She was okay.

She was fine…and perfect…and sleeping.

I hadn't hurt her.

I fell to her side, pulling her limp, frail body into my arms. I held her against me, kissing her face, her cheeks, her neck and shoulders, willing her to come back to me. It was while I waited that I thought about what I had almost done. And still, even then, I could not release her. Something, deep-rooted and weighted with permanence, whispered to me, telling me that this was fated…this was real…this was absolutely and undeniably meant to happen.

I was meant to find her.

I was meant to hold her.

And she…Bella…was meant to be mine.

Was it just two days ago that I thought she was inconsequential? Had I ever really thought she was nothing more than a fleeting fascination? Did I ever really convince myself that I followed and watched her simply because her mind was silent to me? Looking at her, seeing the softness of her skin, feeling the full, womanly curves of her body, the way her hair hung heavy and wild around her heart-shaped face – I understood that on some level, I had always wanted her like this. Naked and spent and still dripping with our climax.

I had never had sex as a vampire. Not once. It wasn't as if I hadn't thought about it. In fact, with my ability, the thoughts and desires of others constantly flooded my mind. Humans and vampires are both very sexual by nature. And the need to seek out sexual pleasure is one of their basest instincts.

I had always wanted.

But never felt I deserved.

The memories I had of sex as a human were clouded – but still there. They only served to mock me in my self-imposed abstinence. There was never any special girl. There were only random encounters in dirty bars. Eager hands reaching inside my pants, warm and slick with their own spit as they stroked me until I came. Hard and fast fucks in the back of a car or a cheap and dirty motel room if I was lucky. The few nameless and ultimately faceless women all offering their bodies out of some over-romanticized notion of duty. I was young and cocky and because of who I was and what I did, I was more than willing to accept. Completely and unforgivably entitled as I took from them…stole from them. But in the end, I paid…with my life and my soul. And it wasn't until I lay there with her in my arms, that I began to think there was a reason.

It was her.

It had always been about her.

I held her for the longest time and she slept peacefully in my arms. I pulled the blanket over her shortly after I realized that sleep had taken her. She was beginning to chill and I was unwilling to relinquish the feeling of holding her against me. I knew she was exhausted – she had to have been after the past two days – and I was more than content to just be there with her. It was a kind of peace that I had only known in her presence.

Sometime close to dawn, she stirred a little, shifting closer to me, her tiny fingers pressing against the stone of my skin. I could feel the warmth of her breath against my chest and the silk of her hair as it spilled over my shoulder and onto my neck. Everything about her was soft…including her voice.

"Edward," she murmured.

And even after what we had been through…even after everything we'd shared…the sound of her saying my name as she slept fucking broke me and I allowed myself to fall. I stayed there, submerged and sinking…and praying that I would never resurface.

I was in love with her.

Hopelessly…

Endlessly…

Unquestioningly…in love with her.

I almost couldn't contain my joy as I let the feeling consume me. I was astounded and humbled at the knowledge that it was her – she had allowed me this. Her grace and beauty, her strength and courage, her unwavering stubbornness as she refused to allow me to walk away from her…from this. And had she known? Even before me that this was happening? Did she feel the same way? Did she love me the way that I loved her? Could her human heart possibly feel the way I felt? As if on cue, she whispered my name again and I couldn't help but hope.

Her peaceful whispers and contented sighs soon turned into whimpers and her soft, beautiful face contorted into a pained and unsettled expression. Pulling her closer, I stroked her hair.

"It's okay, Bella," I whispered. "Shhh…it's alright. I'm here."

"Please," she cried softly. "Please, please…don't."

I couldn't fathom what was causing her this much pain…even as she slept. What sadness and pain filled her dreams? A part of me feared that it was me…that she was scared of me. But as I held her and touched her, I found that my touch was soothing…my voice calmed and comforted her. And that was the part I chose to focus on. That allowed me to linger in the quiet happiness that only she had ever been able to provide me.

A few minutes passed, and she began to shift and move again, her settled body twisting and turning in my arms. My peace was interrupted, when her breathing became labored, as her soft hands grabbed and clutched at me frantically…fiercely.

"Don't…" she choked and sobbed softly. "Please…please…Edward…"

The sound of my name in her broken and crying voice hung in the air and I wondered if I should wake her.

"Bella," I rasped. "Bella, please…please…don't what?"

My mind was frantic and I began to shake her as gently as possible. Her eyes didn't open and as her cries continued, I found myself sitting up fully and pulling her against me and holding her in my arms. I felt her pain with every cry…her anxiety with every trembling shudder of her body.

"Don't go," she cried against my neck. "Please, just…don't…don't go."

She thought I would leave. In her heart and mind – even while she slept – she thought that I could leave her. How could she think that I could ever, ever leave her? My mind raced with the need to understand what could have possibly happened to her in her past to feel that way.

I remembered her words from the morning before. She said that everyone left. Who was everyone? And then I thought about the sight of her in the morning fog as she sat on her truck, overlooking a cemetery while she cried softly to herself. Someone she loved had died. But who?

Was it a lover?

At the thought of another man holding the space of the same heart I wanted to hold, I became irrationally jealous. Angry even. I knew it was wrong of me. She was beauty and grace and everything wonderful in this fucked up world. Someone was bound to love her. But I fucking loved her and I wanted – no, I needed – her to love me the same way.

I stroked her naked back, ignoring the way her soft, warm skin felt against my own…the way her full, round breasts pressed against my chest. My cock could not ignore it and I cursed my own body for not being able to control its own reaction.

"Never," I whispered in her ear. My own voice was low and held a promise-filled vow that I never knew I was capable of offering. "Never, never, never, Bella. I could never leave. Not now. Not after…"

I stopped myself from speaking. I almost told her then, that I loved her. It was on my tongue, fucking dripping off the edge…but I couldn't. Not then. Not when she was sleeping. Not when she was crying. Not when her body was still shaking with an unknown fear I didn't entirely understand.

Why the fuck couldn't I hear her?

I needed to know the secrets that only her silent mind could unlock.

Continuing my soft touches, I rocked her back and forth, whispering her name in her ear. He grip never lessened as she clung to me and when she finally woke, it was with a sharp gasp and wide, scared eyes.

"Shhh…" I said, bringing my hand to her chin and looking into her eyes. She was so close and her breath covered my face. "I'm right here, Bella. And it's okay…you're okay."

I didn't know if it was okay. I didn't know if she was okay. But the moment she finally recognized what was happening, her chocolate eyes filled with tears and she sobbed into my shoulder.

"You're here," she cried. "You're really here. This really happened."

Her arms went around my neck and she moved so that she was sitting in my lap. Her legs wrapped around me and I let her envelop me fully, reveling in her warmth, all the while trying to soothe her fear and ease her pain.

"Yes," I told her. "Yes, Bella…it did. I'm here."

She pressed herself closer. I held her tighter, conscious of the fact that I needed to be gentle for as much as I wanted to crush her to me…to embrace and consume her. I felt her warm body begin to settle slowly, except for the small shivers that told me it probably wasn't the best position for her. I moved to reach the blanket and she stopped me.

"Stop, please…" she whimpered. "Don't move."

"I'm just getting the blanket," I explained before pressing a reassuring kiss to her temple. "You're cold, Bella. My body…my…I am making you cold."

"I-I'm f-fine…" she stuttered, tears still welling in her eyes.

"You're shivering," I told her gently, holding her gaze while I retrieved the blanket and wrapped it around her. "And stubborn," I added, hoping to make her smile.

It worked somewhat – the corners of her perfect lips twitched slightly around the edges. She laid her head back against my chest and I held her as she continued to calm down.

It wasn't until she took one last shaking and shuddering breath, that I felt her completely relax. It was such an odd experience to be the one to offer comfort…to anyone. Especially this beautiful, human woman. Having been alone for so long – the concept was almost completely foreign to me. But I wanted to soothe her…I wanted to be the one to make her feel safe and secure and most importantly…not alone.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, unsure whether I should or not.

She shook her head, not really saying anything. I looked down into her eyes and they were filled with sadness and awe and a thousand fucking emotions that I could spend endless days and nights trying to interpret. And as much as I wanted to just be whatever she needed in that moment, I knew I had to understand. She had to tell me what filled her world with that much sadness. And because I was still reeling from her ability to push me…I pressed.

"Bella," I whispered. "You can talk to me…you can tell me…anything."

"Can't we…can't we just…I just want to be here with you right now," she said. "Would that be okay?"

And honestly, anything she would have wanted to do would have been okay with me. Because for the first time in my entire fucked up life – if that's what you could call it – I was with the one person who had ever really seen me for who I actually was and still wanted me anyway. But my own need to know and understand her wouldn't let me drop it. Her mind wouldn't speak to me…she would have to.

She just fucking had to.

"Last night," I started and then paused, weighing in my mind whether or not I could push her. Her head was resting on my chest and I felt her press a kiss there. The feeling of her lips on me sent tingling, warming shocks through my cold body. "Last night…you made me tell you. You made me say the words even though I was afraid and even though I thought you would run away from me again. But you know what, Bella?"

"What?" she asked meekly; still not meeting my eyes.

And that just wasn't going to work. Not after everything that had happened. Not after everything she had given me…and the way I had opened up to her. And definitely not after I realized that I loved her. I was in love with her – completely – and I didn't want her to hide one single part of herself from me. I wanted to know what made her cry. I wanted to know…and I wanted to make it better.

Doubt, in all of its clouded bleakness began to cover me. A part of me knew that there was nothing that I could give her to make her life any better. I could only bring her pain…I could only shroud her in constant death and a life filled with darkness and anonymity. She deserved so much more than that. She deserved so much more than me.

But then I remembered the look in her eyes when she told me it didn't matter. The determination outweighing her fear. Her need for me to be with her, so thick that I could taste it. My mind flooded with images of kissing and touching her…of fucking sinking into her heat and feeling – knowing – that her body was made to fit mine completely. The way her lips molded against mine as we kissed. The curve of her hip against my palm. Her breasts in my hand…filling my mouth. Her pussy sheathing me, clinging to my cock as I pushed into her over and over again.

That was real.

That was perfect.

She was everything and I had waited for her so long.

"Look at me," I asked. "Please…please…just look at me."

Her head lifted slowly and her watery eyes met mine. And I tried to pour every ounce of everything I was feeling into the way that I was looking at her. All of it was foreign – and even though I was a monster – it was by far the scariest thing I could remember.

"You didn't run. You stayed…you stayed and I stayed. And for the first time ever, I felt like I belonged. I felt like I belonged, Bella…and I felt…I felt complete."

She looked at me for what felt like hours – her eyes betraying nothing of what she was thinking or feeling. And then suddenly, her hands reached up to my face and she cupped my cheeks. Her thumbs dragged along my lips, sweeping over and under. Her fingers felt like fire as they caressed me. Lifting higher, she stroked the lines of my brows and I found myself closing my eyes and just feeling and loving the way she touched me.

"I felt it, too," she whispered as she ran her fingers through my hair. "I feel it."

I wanted to kiss her. I wanted so fucking much in that moment, to cover her mouth with mine and taste her and show her what I was feeling. That it wasn't just words. That this was actually happening for me…and it was happening because of her. But I knew if I did that, I would be lost in her again. And I wanted her to talk…to tell me her secrets. I needed her to reveal her dark spaces and broken pieces so that I could show her that I was man enough to put them back together. Just for fucking once, I wanted to be the man that wouldn't run. She made me want to stay.

"Tell me about the cemetery," I said. "Tell me why you were there. Tell me why you were crying…"

Her eyes grew big and she bit down on her bottom lip.

"I forgot that you knew," she said. "I…I forgot that you…you followed me."

"I did," I said, hanging my head down for the briefest moment. I could feel her fingers in my hair, her nails scratching along my scalp. It felt like heaven…soft and gentle and no more than a whispered touch to my skin. "I did, Bella. I saw you there crying and hurting and all by yourself. And I want to know…I need to know what makes you so sad. Who left you? Who…who died?"

She sucked in a deep and sharp breath at my words. There was so much pain reflected in her eyes. It was a kind of pain and emotion I'd never sensed or seen in any other person…ever. I immediately pulled her against me, feeling her hot tears as they spilled out and onto my chest and I hated myself for making her hurt.

"I don't know if I can," she whispered, her voice broken and thick with tears. "I don't…just…I just don't know if I'm ready to talk about that."

And still…even then…I needed to know. I remembered – with a vivid and burning clarity – the sound of her voice over the Ouija board as she wondered aloud if she could communicate with them. I could see the suit lying across the bed in the room across the hall. I could still taste the dust in the air, bitter with age and avoidance.

"Was it…was he a lover?"

Her crying turned into heaving sobs and I waited for her to push me away. Scared that I had pushed too hard…too soon. I waited, but she didn't push me away. She held me closer, her hands grabbing and clinging so tightly that I knew it had to be hurting her. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help her, so I did the only thing that I could do.

I let her cry.

"They," she sobbed. "Not him…not he…they!"

Her whole body tensed as she cried and shook and heaved in my arms.

"Not a lover, not…not…not a lover!"

"I'm sorry, Bella," I told her. "I'm so fucking sorry."

I didn't know if I was apologizing for making her cry or for whatever loss she had suffered. I only knew that I couldn't be the one to make her feel this way. Not when she had given me so much in such a small amount of time. Not when she had done nothing but accept and embrace…and love me.

God, I fucking hoped that she loved me.

She continued to cry…almost to the point where she should have been exhausted. I felt her settle slowly, her body finally relaxing and giving into her fatigue. I continued to hold her…trying to show her with my actions that I never meant to hurt her. I only wanted to help her, comfort her…all of her. I was so focused on what I could do – on what I should do – but her voice broke through as she timidly spoke.

"They were my whole world. They were my whole world and then…then they were gone. And I was alone. I was alone and scared and for as much as I was an adult," she spat bitterly, "I wasn't. I was so young and I didn't know. I didn't know what to do, Edward. How to cope."

She was opening up to me and I was trying to piece together words, so that they would make sense to me. I felt helpless and stupid for not understanding…and then everything clicked in my mind.

Not he.

They.

"And I couldn't do it," she continued. "I couldn't do it…but I had to. I had to because…because…I couldn't lose them. I couldn't lose all that I had left of them."

"Your parents?" I breathed.

And she didn't tell me yes, but the way she trembled in my arms as she cried answered my question.

"And I was dead inside, too," she cried. "All these years…missing them…wishing that I…wishing that I'd had a chance to say goodbye. To tell them that I loved them…but I fucking couldn't. I couldn't…and I stayed and there is nothing but loss and it's all around me! It's everywhere I look! They are everywhere I turn. And as much as I hate it…I need it. It's the only thing I have left. And I'm so alone, Edward. I've been so fucking alone….until…"

Her voice halted and her breathing stopped. And if I'd had a heart, it would have stopped too.

Until…

Until…

Never had one word held so much meaning. Never had I wanted to hear her thoughts more than I did in that moment.

Until…

Until…

And I had to know.

"Until what?" I asked, my voice thick and low and rough with all the desperation that I felt. "Until what, Bella?"

Tears still spilled hot and wet down her cheeks as she looked at me. And I searched her wet eyes for the answer that I was looking for. I saw hurt and fear and pain, but I also I saw hope and trust…and love.

In her eyes.

It was there.

Warm and wonderful and real like her.

"Until you."

My mouth was on hers in an instant, kissing her lips and tasting her tears. It was salt and hurt and light and love. She tasted like love. And I wanted so much to make her pain go away – wanted so much to show her that I understood. But most of all, I wanted to show her that I knew that this was meant to be. She was meant to sit on her porch with that board. She was meant to hear my thoughts when there was no explanation for how it happened... I was meant to come into her home and crawl in her bed…and we were meant to find each other.

Everything led to this.

Everything led to her.

And before I could think, I was speaking into her mouth.

"Please," I begged. "Please…come with me. Let me…let me…let me take you away from this place…this pain. You don't have to be alone anymore. We can be together, Bella. We can be together…because…because…"

Could I do it?

Could I say it?

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"Because…I love you."

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A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

The holidays are over and things should be getting (somewhat) back to normal for me. Thank you for your understanding and your patience. I hope the chapter was worth the wait.

Thank you to Marvar for being my beta and my friend – for always making time for me and for a million other things that I don't have time to list. ILYSFM

Thank you to my pre-readers, Caren (Nerac), Raina and ltlerthqak. You all mean the world to me.

I posted a O/S over the holiday. Jingle Bella. Check it out if you'd like. I've been told it's funny and hot. :)

Also, Marvar wrote me a two-shot for my birthday in December. It is funny and hot and I loved it so much! Plese, check it out and leave her some love. It's called, Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover.

As always, I do not own the characters, but they sure the fuck own me.